To not send a birthday card to someone with advanced dementia?

[Pocketfullofdogtreats]

FIL is in a home and is sadly now unable to recognise any of us, doesn't speak, is unable to feed himself. Sleeps most of the time. We saw him recently but won't be there on the day. They are likely to have a little celebration but I doubt very much he'll know what's going on. DH doesn't think it's worth sending a card, but WWYD?
YABU - just send one, to show you care
YANBU - don't bother
Thanks

For the sake of £3 or whatever, I'd definitely send one.

Just to add when FIL was terminally ill in hospital we still got him a Christmas card & present, it's just a nice thing to do.

I think i would send one with a vivid picture and colours on just in case he manages to see it.

I don’t know what the answer is. It’s very sad though, that his life is like this now.

I'd send one, it's a couple of quid and shows you care even if he won't realise it.

I wouldn't but I'm not sentimental about cards anyway. Someone like my MIL would but she sends Christmas cards with designs to son & daughter in law, granddaughter etc (i.e. Not I just generic)

You clearly have no understanding of dementia lol x send a bloody card why wouldn't you

I would send one, even if he has no clue. If they are doing him a cake then I’m glad he is in a home where they do this. Its what makes us human isn’t it.

Maybe just send a general card (a scenic view etc) rather than an proper birthday card. You will still remember the day but without then feeling he doesn't acknowledge it.

Send something.

Even if he doesn't recognise it, it shows you care, and the staff can. read it to him etc.

Why don't you send a cake/chocolates for the staff to share instead, so you are marking the occasion and the people who care for him day-to-day get a treat.

It's hardly much effort is it?

Presumably he is in a care home and by 'they' you mean the staff? A card might help to make them feel their efforts are not worthless.

Choose a card with a picture that might mean something to your FIL. If there's a one in a thousand chance he might look at it and take some pleasure from it I think it's worth sending.

Send one. Pictures from years and years ago are good as well. Even in the most advanced state my grandfather could still recognise people in pictures from the 1950’s and before. (Nothing recent though).

I think it’s also good for the staff to be aware that there are family who care lurking around.

Just get on moonpig and it will take you 5 minutes to send a card.

I used to work in a care home and found it really sad when residents birthdays went completely unnoticed by their family. But obviously I had no idea what anyone's family relationship had been like before, or the effect that having their mum/dad in a care home had on them. Dementia is a horrible disease, like losing someone twice and grieving them before they've actually died. It's understandable if your husband doesn't want to send a card and feels upset by the situation, but I don't think there's any harm in you sending a simple happy birthday card.

This has properly made my blood boil, send a card because he's loved and you want to celebrate him. The staff will read it to him.

Definitely send it. When my DF was in this condition he definitely had moments when information went in. During lockdown I would send cards with very specific messages which mentioned people he loved and photos as well. It’s such an awful illness but you could read that message/ show photos ten times and maybe once some of that information went in.

Another sometimes small win was placing a well know object in his hands and on one remarkable occasion, taking in our dog. And music.

However sitting holding hands and talking is best of all. My voice 100% went in on some level. I had to talk quite a lot though!

Sorry, tldr, send the card with a specific message.

Yes, this is a good point, dementia is so dehumanising to people. I worked in two care homes; a "nice" one where we always did a cake and a present for residents when it was their birthday, and a not so nice one where we didn't.

Yes, of course I would send a card, and maybe even a present (I bought an activity toy, I think they’re called fiddle muffs, recently for someone in a home suffering from dementia) if I couldn’t visit. At the very least it will show the care home staff that he hasn’t been forgotten.

Definitely send one! I used to love reading residents' mail to them, especially on happy occasions like birthdays. Even in the case of very advanced dementia, it gives a great opportunity for staff to put on a huge smile and a very happy and excited tone of voice, both of which do make an impact on the residents, even if they no longer understand what you're saying.

Send him a decent sized one with a picture he'd like on the front, so that even if he doesn't "get" it then it can add a bit of decoration to his room.

It's a card, if he doesn't get anything from it, it's not like you've gone to some great expense or effort.

:(

just send a card to him at least as a pp said the staff will know your thinking of him, your husband is probably just really sad and trying to find some sort of sense in it at all.

I would just send it, if DH is being odd about it send it yourself. If you do it online it takes about 2 minutes to sort.

Of course send a card. I think it is kind of sad that your dh even is considering not. Get something with a nice picture that will brighten his room.

Dementia or not, he'll notice being made a fuss of. My mum's nursing home did a little celebration for her birthday with a nice cake. She'd no clue it was her birthday, sadly, but as she was moved to blow the candles out she said " Oh it's someone's birthday". There was a chorus of "Yes, it's yours!"

She still didn't register but really enjoyed the attention. It's a nice memory of an awful time.

Send a card!

Good grief!
Who would think it not worth sending a card if you love someone.
Disgusting selfish and thoughtless behaviour.
And make him get off his arse and take a decent birthday cake too.