To not send a birthday card to someone with advanced dementia?

[Pocketfullofdogtreats]

FIL is in a home and is sadly now unable to recognise any of us, doesn't speak, is unable to feed himself. Sleeps most of the time. We saw him recently but won't be there on the day. They are likely to have a little celebration but I doubt very much he'll know what's going on. DH doesn't think it's worth sending a card, but WWYD?
YABU - just send one, to show you care
YANBU - don't bother
Thanks

It’s totally fine if you don’t want to send a card, and totally fine if you do, too. As someone who has experienced the progression of dementia in a very much loved family member, I absolutely understand why you’re asking. At the time of my relative’s last birthday, some of us sent cards, some didn’t. She didn’t know what they were, didn’t understand who had sent them, or probably even the concept of them being sent. I think they were sent much more for the sender and the care staff’s benefit, but that’s ok too. The most important things was that we all visited and spent precious time with her.
I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this, I know how horrendous it is.

When in that position, I sent stuff, but it was for me rather than the recipient if I'm honest.

Why would you not send a card and a present? Even something as small as some toiletries or new socks. They're still a human. My pet hate is families that don't bother, barely visit, don't make sure they've got everything they need/want because 'dementia'.

I’d send one. I’d probably try and find an old photo of him and his wife or with his young family, as he’s more likely to have memory of those days. Websites like Moonpig allow you to make a card with your own photo on it.

It might be the last birthday he has.

Well I'm glad I made you laugh out loud. No, I don't understand dementia. It's the first time I've been close to someone who's got it. It's been very hard to watch someone who was so wise, energetic and vibrant. Has hit DH really hard. No need to sneer.

That's lovely!

A member of DHs family is in a similar situation and we send cards fairly regularly. She may not remember who we are sometimes but she knows she likes opening cards, looking at the pretty pictures on the front and having the messages inside read to her.

Just send one. The worst that can happen is he doesn't read it. The best is that you make an ill old man happy for a minute or two.

Some of the comments 🤯

Yeah I'd send one, but for people saying it's disgusting and their blood boiling wow what an overreaction! I assume you were asking as in is it more likely to confuse him?

Thank you for your perspectives and kind words. Many of you are saying things I hadn't considered, and DH hadn't. I'm glad I asked for opinions. Will send a card!

I wouldn't judge someone for not sending a card if their loved one seemed unable to recognise people or understand much of what was happening around them. That said, if you would normally have sent a card, I think I'd carry on doing it, though I can see how it might feel futile and painfully poignant to select a card for someone who in many ways already feels 'gone'.

ETA: Didn't see the latest update. I'm glad you've gotten some helpful replies.

I'm not really a sender of cards, but yes, I would here. My (limited) understanding of dementia is that although people suffering from it will struggle with memories and recognition, there's still a big emotional element. They may not remember people, faces, names, but they experience emotions. The act of receiving a card might trigger a positive emotion, even if they don't fully understand why. And if they don't, they don't.

It's not an overreaction, I lost my dad to dementia, it was heartbreaking. I still celebrated his birthday, took him presents, new clothes etc because he was still my dad.

I've lost my Dad too, and we all do things in different ways. I too would have been there on the day, celebrating, looking after him. It doesn't make the OP a monster for already having seen him and questioning a card.

Well, I was asking because DH assumed it would be pointless to send him one. But I wanted some views from other people. Which have been very helpful!

If you make someone with dementia happy for a moment, with a card/gift etc then there's a good chance that they won't remember why they're happy, but the happiness will last longer than the memory.

When my dad had it, his short term memory was gone completely, but if you fed him a line to make a quick joke, he'd always land the punchline and laugh. He wouldn't remember saying the line, but he would be happier afterwards.

Just because they may not remember, it doesn't mean it can't bring happiness.

We did in this position because it meant a difference to the relative who visited regularly - something to talk about to fill the space.

but when the birthday person is incapable of any language (not just “not understanding” but no language or sounds whatsoever), is fed only by liquids and is asleep most of the time (and fairly incapable of movement in between), as our relative was… well, she wasn’t deriving any enjoyment of life at that point.

sadly the visiting relative has now started down the same path.

My mum had dementia and didn't always recognise us but on her birthday her older sister didn't send a card because " she's got dementia, she won't even know " but my mum was upset because she did remember her big sister and said " no card from my big sister " and was sad about it. I had asked my aunt to send one and she'd refused. I was furious especially as she had also stopped visiting her because " she's got dementia, she won't know " .
In her occasional lucid moments my mum did know and care.

If it might confuse or upset him i could understand the dilema. But doesnt sound like that is a concern so of course send them. Best case he enjoys the card worse case he isn't bothered. But i can't see any reason not to send one other than dh cant be bothered picking one up which is not a good reason.

To avoid further confusion I'd maybe send a card with a nice picture of something he'd like. Not a birthday card but maybe pop a photo of him in happier times with you, if it won't cause distress.

Of course you should send a card. Maybe he won't have a clue who it's from or whether it's his birthday or whatever, but that doesn't mean he won't like looking at a nice picture.

My auntie has dementia and she absolutely does not know who we are or when her birthday is, but she does usually know that a card is a nice thing that someone has sent to her. When there are cards up in her room she will regularly say 'Where did all these come from?' or 'What's all this?' but when my cousins say 'People sent them to you for your birthday' or 'You got them for Christmas' or whatever, she does usually seem pleased!

My mother died in January of advanced dementia. Each time I took her a Christmas or birthday card it felt utterly pointless. She had no idea who we were, no speech, she was immobile and incontinent. I took the cards anyway, but only because it was the "done thing". There's no harm in sending one but don't agonise over it.

That is so grossly mean!! OK they have dementia, might not be aware of their birthday but jesus christ he's still human and would likely be happy with cards or little gifts even if he doesn't quite know what they're for

I’ve just been writing a card and wrapping a gift for my mum who has advanced dementia. However, she is cared for at home and my dad and brother live there, so it is more for their sake than my mum, but even if they weren’t there, the carers would be so I think it’s a nice thing to do.

I would send one.
He’s alive and here, even if he doesn’t know what’s happening.
The only time I wouldn’t send one would be if someone close to him would be hurt by seeing a card for him, knowing he’s unlikely to understand.

By the way, my mum won’t have a clue. She can’t talk, move, see or understand anything. So no, she wouldn’t be happy because that’s beyond her.