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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not send a birthday card to someone with advanced dementia?

117 replies

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 05/03/2024 10:47

FIL is in a home and is sadly now unable to recognise any of us, doesn't speak, is unable to feed himself. Sleeps most of the time. We saw him recently but won't be there on the day. They are likely to have a little celebration but I doubt very much he'll know what's going on. DH doesn't think it's worth sending a card, but WWYD?
YABU - just send one, to show you care
YANBU - don't bother
Thanks

OP posts:

Thedance · 05/03/2024 11:57

Why wouldn't you send one? He might be able to understand more than you realise. Someone can read it to him and describe it. He might not respond but he might understand.
Not sending one just seems as though you are assuming he is already dead.

SoOutingWhoCares · 05/03/2024 12:01

Heartbreaking.

Are people really this lazy/stingy?!

Yes. Send the poor man a nice bright colourful card with sweet words that a care assistant can read out. He doesn't deserve to be completely forgotten about.

This post has made me so angry I actually can't even write what I want to about my own experience with dementis sufferers. Anyway needless to say yabvvvvvu.

BelindaOkra · 05/03/2024 12:04

He may not know who the card is from - but he may still like receiving one and may well understand that someone is thinking about him. If the dementia is more advanced he may enjoy the interaction being shown the card brings.

Greenqueen40 · 05/03/2024 12:07

Fgs why on earth would you even consider not???? He may have advanced dementia but you have no idea what joy he may get from a brightly coloured card in his room. Sensory stimulation and all that, you and your husband have made yourselves sound very unpleasant by even consider not sending one!

Lakeyloo · 05/03/2024 12:47

randomchap · 05/03/2024 11:29

If you make someone with dementia happy for a moment, with a card/gift etc then there's a good chance that they won't remember why they're happy, but the happiness will last longer than the memory.

When my dad had it, his short term memory was gone completely, but if you fed him a line to make a quick joke, he'd always land the punchline and laugh. He wouldn't remember saying the line, but he would be happier afterwards.

Just because they may not remember, it doesn't mean it can't bring happiness.

Show quote history

Totally agree with this. My Nan had dementia and didn't know who any of us were, but she still had an amazing smile when she was "in the moment". She wouldn't remember it the next day but that didn't matter. She was happy in that particular moment.

spiderlight · 05/03/2024 12:53

Your DH will eventually regret it if you don't send one.

Scarlettpixie · 05/03/2024 13:09

Please send a card. It is heartbreaking to think you wouldn’t. Your FIL may have lucid moments, he might know what birthdays are and/or just appreciate a bit of fuss even if he cannot grasp the whole thing. He may be oit of time and place but so what. Even if he doesn’t know you and your DH, you know and care about him and that is why you still send one. I would turn up with cards and flowers for my mum and the home would make a cake and staff would sing. Mum would beam even though she was confused and at times she didn’t know us, she still enjoyed it in the moment. Those moments are precious. There is little to enjoy as dementia progresses.

Justcallmebebes · 05/03/2024 13:11

GalileoHumpkins · 05/03/2024 10:56

This has properly made my blood boil, send a card because he's loved and you want to celebrate him. The staff will read it to him.

This. It's like writing the poor old boy off before he's even dead. I can't believe anybody would even think twice about it

catofglory · 05/03/2024 13:15

DappledOliveGroves · 05/03/2024 11:34

My mother died in January of advanced dementia. Each time I took her a Christmas or birthday card it felt utterly pointless. She had no idea who we were, no speech, she was immobile and incontinent. I took the cards anyway, but only because it was the "done thing". There's no harm in sending one but don't agonise over it.

My mother is currently in the same state of advanced dementia, and this is exactly how I feel about it. I took a card and present for her birthday a few weeks ago, and the staff made a cake and sang happy birthday to her.

It was all pointless and sad because my mother was completely unaware of it, but it would have felt worse not to do it.

So in answer to the OP, yes send a card, but I sympathise with your DH that it is 'pointless'.

outsidethemug · 05/03/2024 13:32

My first instinct was "why on earth wouldn't you" but I can actually see both sides. I'd still send a card though.

I have (like many of us) experience of multiple family members with dementia. For one of my family members a card would be really appreciated even if they didn't fully understand so we did! But for others with dementia a card wouldn't mean absolutely anything to them and at that point what are you doing it for? For the staff or other family members? I can understand why this feels pointless to some

Not everyone's experiences of dementia are the same but it is an awful disease and as long as your loved one is cared for then not giving an unaware person a birthday card doesn't make you heartless (although as I say, I still would)

Sorenson · 05/03/2024 13:34

Send one, it'll brighten up his room at the very least x

Soontobe60 · 05/03/2024 13:38

My stepfather is in a home, has no idea who anyone is, non verbal. It’s his birthday this week and I will visit him with a card and some chocolates, which he loves! He likes cards with pictures of dogs on - he used to love dogs and it’s the only real thing he responds to. It’s the least I can do.

Original poster

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 05/03/2024 13:39

catofglory · 05/03/2024 13:15

It was all pointless and sad because my mother was completely unaware of it, but it would have felt worse not to do it.

So in answer to the OP, yes send a card, but I sympathise with your DH that it is 'pointless'.

Show quote history

Thank you both. Sorry you've had to go through this. I am typing out a letter with news and will put it into a card.

OP posts:

jakesnewcat · 05/03/2024 13:41

Send it. My mum had advanced dementia, didn't eat, barely drank. On her last birthday we had a bottle of champagne and held a glass so she had a little sip. Sang happy birthday, cards and bright coloured flowers. She was smiling and laughing even though she couldn't speak bless her.

Stopwiththedamnrain · 05/03/2024 13:42

89yo MIL has advanced dementia and is cared for in a specialist nursing home. We will bring her a card and present on her birthday this week. She might not understand what's going on but she is much loved and as she used to say "she's not dead yet!" Don't write off your FIL because he's unwell.

Freeme31 · 05/03/2024 13:43

Integrity he might not know but you/his son will - always do the right thing i would suggest

AnAussieMum · 05/03/2024 13:50

Please send one.
I work in aged care as a lifestyle officer. It's sad how many residents don't get anything for their birthdays.
We like to take them the mail and make a big fuss over the cards from their loved ones. Doesn't matter if you think he won't know. We will sit with them and read them the card, chat about the picture on the front and talk about the person who sent it, probably even reminese about past birthdays that they might remember.
We had a resident who turned 103 she got nothing, not even a visitor.
It was very sad.
She wouldn't have known but we did.
We wrote her a card and blew her some balloons and made a fuss. She seemed to like the fuss but who knows.

Ofcourseshecan · 05/03/2024 13:51

I'm so glad you are sending a card and letter, OP. Don't write off someone while they're still alive. He's still a human being, and someone you love. You have no idea what he may be able to experience.

I've read research showing that people with dementia may be aware for some time afterwards that something nice (or bad) happened to them, even without necessarily having seemed aware of what was happening at the time.

And anyway -- for heavens sake, the cost of a card! Why wouldn't you send it even if you thought there was only a 1% chance he'd enjoy it?

Anneinavan · 05/03/2024 13:56

I also think you should send a card.

it reminds the care staff of the human being and the life that existed before the disease
it may bring a small (even if fast forgotten) spark to his day
It let’s any other visitors know that he is still a lived member of the family who is not forgotten

and those things seem worth the price of a card and a stamp.

JoWawa · 05/03/2024 13:57

And the carers will know you care. I think that is important.

Original poster

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 05/03/2024 13:58

SoOutingWhoCares · 05/03/2024 12:01

Heartbreaking.

Are people really this lazy/stingy?!

Yes. Send the poor man a nice bright colourful card with sweet words that a care assistant can read out. He doesn't deserve to be completely forgotten about.

This post has made me so angry I actually can't even write what I want to about my own experience with dementis sufferers. Anyway needless to say yabvvvvvu.

Um, it's not about being lazy or stingy, but whether it's pointless. Which is why I posted - for thoughts. And kind posters have made me realise that we should send one. Actually I think the thought of writing the card is upsetting for DH. But if you read my updates you'll see we will definitely be sending a card and a letter with news that can be read out to him.

OP posts:

Keepingittogetherstepbystep · 05/03/2024 13:59

Try to add photos to your newsletter if possible, it gives him something to focus on.

My dad spent his last birthday in hospital, his dementia wasn't as advanced as some people's but he was hurt at not being acknowledged by some of his family.

caringcarer · 05/03/2024 14:04

Beryls · 05/03/2024 10:49

I'd send one, it's a couple of quid and shows you care even if he won't realise it.

This.

MenopauseSucks · 05/03/2024 14:09

Of course you should send him a card! And maybe some chocolates/something he can eat on his birthday.
Doesn't matter if he has advanced dementia, doesn't know who you are & might not be able to process it, it may still interest him & he might get some pleasure from it.

I used to make a big fuss of my Mum's birthdays even though she didn't have a clue who I was. She used to enjoy the card, found the balloons hilarious & the cake was always well received!
I guess deep down I was making a big celebration of her birthday & Xmas for me rather than her.

Original poster

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 05/03/2024 14:13

Keepingittogetherstepbystep · 05/03/2024 13:59

Try to add photos to your newsletter if possible, it gives him something to focus on.

My dad spent his last birthday in hospital, his dementia wasn't as advanced as some people's but he was hurt at not being acknowledged by some of his family.

I had thought of adding photos. I am getting some printed this afternoon. Thank you. Sorry about your dad. It's so hard to know what's going on in FIL's head.

OP posts:

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