To not send a birthday card to someone with advanced dementia?

[Pocketfullofdogtreats]

FIL is in a home and is sadly now unable to recognise any of us, doesn't speak, is unable to feed himself. Sleeps most of the time. We saw him recently but won't be there on the day. They are likely to have a little celebration but I doubt very much he'll know what's going on. DH doesn't think it's worth sending a card, but WWYD?
YABU - just send one, to show you care
YANBU - don't bother
Thanks

My dad died in January. His last birthday was in August.

It was just horrendous, actually. At that point he was just varying between staring ahead and talking nonsense.

The care home made a cake, the children made cards. He didn’t know what was going on. The only but that made me laugh was when I was handed a bit of cake and he turned to dh and said, “I don’t know that fat cow over there is, but she could do without eating that.” That was the only coherent thing I’d heard him say in months.

I cried for days before abs after. I actually hated that there he was, his third birthday trapped in a living hell, in an even worse state than the year before. I went to church the next day and prayed to god that it would be his last one. I hated it for him.

Dementia is just awful. But what’s worse is people judging family for how they handle it. You would have thought I was the coldest harted bitch over the last three years, but it was a combination of exhaustion for fighting for his care over the tiniest thing and complete and utter grief and sorrow on how that proud, capable man ended up. Ultimately, self preservation had to take over or I wouldn’t be here either right now.

I haven’t read a lot of these replies but I bet some are along the lines of how selfish not to send a card. Sickening, really. I wouldn’t wish having a loved one succumbing to dementia on my worst enemy.

Send a card op. It’s such a simple gesture. I find it so sad when some residents in homes have rooms with cards and some have nothing. Whether he is aware or not it is a kind thing to do and he might not be around much longer so you won’t have the chance (or chore as it sounds for dh) to do it In the future.

Why not do a Moonpig one with a full face picture of (say) his wife in her younger days? Takes a few minutes and could brighten up his day.

Of course a card gets sent - a total of what ? £2.50 including a stamp if someone is really that skint/mean.

This reminds me of a story that I read- a man spent all day everyday with his wife in her nursing home. Someone asked him why he did because " she doesn't remember you". He replied " but I know and remember her".
For that reason, I would send a card.
There will be many birthdays after the relative has sadly passed away when your husband will wish that he could send a card.

I get told there's no point sending stuff to MiL as she has pretty severe dementia, can't recognise anyone etc. I always want to send flowers. I feel why not send the card, the carers can read it out to him and show it to him, and say 'oh look these lovely people sent you this nice card, it has a picture of x on it, etc" He may get little out of it but surely it will sound positive and caring to those around him as well. Is he able to eat chocolates, or some sort of treat if fed by carers? Something that he always likes? You could send some of that? It's a nice thing to do and no harm done but it's kind.

This, absolutely this. The care home staff will be doing their best with your FIL and it's good for them to know there is someone who cares and pays attention. They do gently monitor who comes and goes. When I moved mum onto County Council funding, I was asked in the interview how often visits were made.

Yeah, maybe you could send some other things from his past, like find his record collection (or some of it at least) on youtube and ask the carers to play it for him? There are other things apart from the card.
But the card is good enough. It's hard to know what to do when people have dementia, it can be upsetting for everyone.

I sent cards right up to my wonderful MIL's death. Not to do so would feel like denying her existence as a person.

Exactly. Worst case, that’s £5 you’ll never see again.

Even it gave him 2 seconds of joy to see a colourful picture, surely it would be worth the effort.

Even if he doesn't know who he card is from, it adds to the overall number of cards, and that is worth doing.

this. And even if he wouldn’t know he didn’t get a card, he may still be pleased to receive a card. It’s nothing to you and may have a benefit to him.

also the idea of old photos is nice - you could find some of his younger self and put them into a moonpig card

Also, my DD used to send her Grandma a random card with a message and chat inside it, and a photo of the great granddaughter that MIL had never met* about once a month.

None of us had any idea whether MIL was remotely aware of what the carers were reading to her and showing her, but DD wanted to show her love, and the carers told us how they loved to see an envelope arrive in the post with DD's writing on and to share her message and news with MIL. They displayed the cards on the wall by MIL's favourite chair in the lounge.

*DD lived three hours away so visits with the baby weren't really an option.

I would send a card with a note for the staff to read to him. I would also send some bulbs in a pot or something visual to cheer up his bedside table.
So he opens his eyes and sees a happy birthday card and a pot of diffs every few hours, and it's new every time. What's not to like.
I'd also send some sweets for the staff.

Absolutely send one .

My mum had dementia and even though she might not have understood why she was receiving the cards or remember the person that had sent them, she loved receiving them and having them up in her room. Flowers too.

When someone has dementia it's about finding anyway you can into the person that is there now. IMO people who go on about their relatives not recognising them are focusing on themselves rather than their relative .

Honestly, some of the replies here really piss me off. The idea that a card can "brighten" someone's day, or make them smile. The last few Christmasses and birthdays that my mother had, she had no clue what was happening. I took my 1-month old baby in to "meet" her - she had no idea that DD was there, she couldn't focus, couldn't see (cataracts), had no speech, no comprehension. Nothing. Writing a card for her just highlighted what we'd lost and how the person had long disappeared.

Yes - sometimes people might be lucid. My grandmother's dementia wasn't so severe and she might have noticed or understood the idea of a card. But my mother had no clue whatsoever as to what was going on. We spent the last few years praying for her to die, which she finally did in January.

Writing and taking a card or a present was a complete sham. And the idea she might have liked some chocolate? She couldn't eat - she was aspirating mushed food and choking, because she'd lost the ability to swallow.

Care home staff are mostly really good about celebrating birthdays with a cake and singing happy birthday to the resident . They may buy a little present too (as in the care home funds this rather than staff themselves).

Yes because it’s not about memories for your fil, but it is all about happy emotions. He may well associate your card and/or names with happy emotions. If you can give him that, then that’s the greatest gift anyone can have.

I think that people with dementia must get momentary stimulation from something nice, very specifically aimed at them. They range from confused to comatose but living beings like comforting, safe, visually attractive things.

I always send MiL flowers despite eye rolls as I know she will smell them and see them for a few seconds, and they will be there for her to see for a week, maybe more than that. But they are nice and she liked them. Just because she can't say she likes them anymore I know she must do.

She loves chocolates too so I send those occasionally. She used to watch her weight and deny herself but now she eats plenty of them. : )

This is such a lovely post to read. Thank you @wandawaves 😊

I feel the same. My dad was released from his living hell in January too. I also used to pray for him to die. A quick heart attack would have been better than dying of hunger and thirst for days af the end as his body gave up. I sat with him for three days and nights and watched that torture x

Definitely send a card . People with very severe dementia can still have a very brief lightbulb moment and remember the name of the sender . The carers can read out his card,chat to him about the person who sent it and basically generate some brief memories. A good care home will always bake a cake with candles.
Think it’s fair to say that most staff in a care home would notice judge if a residents birthday was ignored by family!

Send the card. Because one day you won’t need to and you’ll miss it.

I also send/bring gifts, cards etc so the staff know my dear parent is loved and cared for. And that I’ m there, watching out for them.

That it makes no difference to my parent isn’t the only consideration.

Make your own on with old photo's on Moonpig.

We did this for my husbands aunt when she had dementia. She loved it - Had it up on the wall.
Imagine being so mean you wouldn't buy an ill member of the family a card.

No they wouldn’t. I worked in dementia care for years. There are many reasons people don’t get cards or visitors.

Just because someone is old and has dementia, doesn’t mean they were a good person. It’s sometimes a relief for family to have them in a home so any sense of obligation is gone.

Sometimes the family love them very much but are so traumatised from everything that’s gone on before diagnosis and going into a home, they are burnt out and experiencing mental health issues from it themselves.

Sometimes the pain of seeing them like that is too much to bear ans they have to pull back or go crazy themselves.

Any care worker who judged would be complete arsehole, to be frank. I did meet some, usually new workers. They were swiftly told not to be so judgemental.

We were well aware of how difficult everything is for the families.