To not send a birthday card to someone with advanced dementia?

[Pocketfullofdogtreats]

FIL is in a home and is sadly now unable to recognise any of us, doesn't speak, is unable to feed himself. Sleeps most of the time. We saw him recently but won't be there on the day. They are likely to have a little celebration but I doubt very much he'll know what's going on. DH doesn't think it's worth sending a card, but WWYD?
YABU - just send one, to show you care
YANBU - don't bother
Thanks

My mother with advanced dementia had been similarly immobile, silent and helpless for weeks, then opened her eyes and said 'Oh hello love. Thank you' to the brother who happened to be there at the time putting flowers in her jug. Then nothing more till she died some days later.

You took a card and opened the way for a possible moment of pleasure.

I’d send one, could be the last year you get chance to send one

Please, please send a card. I attend a knit & natter group at a local church hall and we have three ladies who have dementia, one far more advanced than the other two. I was sitting next to this lady a couple of weeks ago and she suddenly turned and took my knitting out of my hands, looked at it and started knitting! She knitted about 4 rows beautifully then suddenly didn't seem to know what to do with it anymore. We were all absolutely amazed! You never know what may be going on in someone's mind and a card may just trigger a memory.

Judging by some of these answers, I think people have experienced relatives with less advanced dementia - who can still enjoy photographs, chocolates, flowers and cards. My mother was like this a few years ago. But that is long past.

Last year I thought she couldn’t get any worse, immobile, doubly incontinent, fed pureed food, but at that point she would sometimes smile and grip my hand. But this year there is absolutely no reaction to anything that goes on. I will be very relieved when she has died and the card charade and my visits can stop.

This is the 8th year she has been in the care home and I always take the staff a card and gift at Easter and Christmas, but that is entirely separate - it is a sign of my appreciation for what they do.

OP please tell your husband that many of us in a similar situation understand how he feels.

Definitely send a card OP. My dmil has dementia and when we buy a card and flowers, she wouldn't remember the card/flowers are from us but the flowers/card makes her happy. The feelings never go away.
When I was on dementia course, I was explained how the memory and feelings work. Your dfil will not remember you and the gifts/cards you buy but the feeling of having the card/gifts and making a fuss will stay with him.
My grandfather had dementia where he didn't remember us. We always took something he liked when he had to be cared for in a home. The biscuits, cske made him happy. My DNan passed away and my grandparents were married for 68 years. They were always together until he had to go into a care home. My Dfather thought he doing the right thing and told my grandfather my nan had passed. It was awful. My grandfather was so tearful all the time but didn't understand why. His memory had forgotten but his feelings were there. Dementia is such a cruel disease. It effects everyone.

Oh, I am so sorry. It’s heartbreaking when they go on that long. I thought my dad would, but he progressed so fast, he was only in a home for two years, thank God.

I think people forget that if the person could see themselves, they would not want to go on “living” like that. Sod the little glimmers of recognition- they are trapped in their own minds and it’s torturous to watch them, let alone imagine what they are going through.

Sending you lots of strength.

is there other family? When my father was terminally ill he got christmas cards from my niece and an old uncle …. They were just lovely and supportive and cheered me up. So maybe do it for the other relatives? Or just for yourself when you get over to visit.

My mother had dementia. All us children sent her cards for her birthday and they would be kept up until the next card occasion because they acted as a reminder of who her children were.

I’d sit with her and hold her hand and she wouldn’t know my name or who I was but she would point to the cards and reel off all her children’s names in order.

DAunt is also in a nursing home with dementia. I've collated a photo album of her childhood and wedding photos for her birthday next month. She doesn't remember who I am, and she's not especially chatty nowadays, but I hope the old photos might bring up a few memories of happier times for her.

Judging by some of these answers, I think people have experienced relatives with less advanced dementia - who can still enjoy photographs, chocolates, flowers and cards.

Not in my case. My answer was to send a card and my MIL's dementia was very advanced for some time.

My reasons?

As I said early on, to not send a card felt as though I was denying her existence as a human being that I loved.

And I knew from experience that the lovely carers would be able to use them as a stimulus for a warm and affectionate conversation with her. And I always hoped that a loving and warm tone of voice would somehow get through.

Also I felt that the more contact the carers had with us and the more they witnessed our love for her, the more of a personal relationship they'd have and feel for her. They knew that she had this family who felt this way for her, they heard stories about her from us and saw photos of her grandchildren and great grandchild through my daughter's monthly cards to get Grandma. So she wasn't just a helpless and non verbal body that they had to tend to. As we lived far away, the cards were a good interim way of achieving this in between my monthly visits and my SIL's.

Send one with photos on!

I think your DH has got an extremely peculiar outlook on life and he sounds like a pretty cold individual. Is he worried about spending £2 on a card for his own father?

Cards along with the small, planned celebration will make the jobs of those caring for him a little brighter and maybe bring some joy to other patients. How disheartening for the staff to look after someone whose son doesn't seem to care. Sending a card shows that you still recognise and value the poor man as a human being.

Does your husband also object to putting flowers on loved one's graves because they can't see or smell them!

Thank you so much. As you have indicated it cannot really be called living, and it is along time since I even saw a glimmer of recognition.

@saraclara yours wasn't one of the posts I was thinking of. As I said, I still visit and take cards. I'm taking in a Mother's Day card even though I don't believe she will have any reaction to it.

Send a card.
I've worked with dementia patients.
There may be no outward sign of joy or recognition however even watching a carer open his card and read it out to him will 'add' something to his day. A small poem/ditty for his carer to read to him will add to the event- even if he as no understanding of what is being said.
Buy a card with an interesting texture.that could be touched to his skin.
Add a scent he will like or may recognize.

This

@catofglory I agree.
I send cards to keep my mam happy. But my grandad has had (diagnosed) Alzheimer's for 16 years and has required 24 hour EMI care for 11 of those years.
It has been a while since we've had any recognition of anything.
For a long time he got agitate at anything different in his room. As he couldn't understand what is going on. Such as cards etc he's even took paintings off the wall over the years.
The only thing he's even kept up is photos of our daughters (his great grandaughters).

OP you and your OH know your FIL well.
I've been nursing for years..... all the training days I've been given for dementia have gone out the window with me my grandad as it would just wind him up.

He's now 93, living in purgatory. It's not a nice existence for him at all.

FGS he's a human being, alive and your supposed loved one. A baby doesn't know what the fuck is going on but can you imagine not celebrating their birthday? The way we treat old people sometimes is beyond belief.