43 and pregnant

[bellaroo92]

Aibu to be absolutely devastated and no idea what to do!

So I've just found out I'm pregnant at 43. I already have an 18 year old, 5 year old and 4 year old.
I am in total shock and have no idea what to do. I feel I am too old to have another baby but also the thought of a termination just breaks my heart.

I'm on the pill but I did have covid a few weeks ago and was really ill and think I missed a pill due to not being able to get out of bed and totally forgot about it.
Dh says it's totally my choice what I do and will stand by me either way.

Someone please give me some advice

what is your relationship like?

Hope you are OK OP, sorry you are in this position.

Just read your post back, 'the thought of a termination just breaks my heart.' That seems pretty clear to me. You may feel old to be pregnant but your body let this happen therefore you are not too old. If it were me I'd let things lie for a while as MC is common as you know for older mums and by the time you need to make practical arrangements you'll feel the little life in you and love it unconditionally. Thats IF it were me... and if you really want an honest reply. Whatever you do will be right for you.

Me personally I wouldn't go ahead. You seem to have your hands full as it is.

And peri menopause is coming, dealing with that plus a baby and 2 young children plus an older teen. Just no.

My advice is you don’t have to make a decision straight away if you’ve just found out. Sit with it for a little while and it may become clearer to you how you truly feel.

I had a baby at 43. Total shock as I’d just gone back to uni and had started a new career. Had 10, 8 & 6 year olds. I was horrified but like you couldn’t imagine having a termination.
I can honestly say that going through with it and having my daughter (now 8) was incredible- my other kids have absolutely loved having a younger sibling and my eldest is almost like a second mum to her.
Obviously it entirely depends on your circumstances but being 43 is absolutely not a bar to having another baby - perhaps abit more tiring but absolutely worth it

I’d be straight down to sort a termination.

The thought of going into the menopause with young kids, a teen and a baby - straight up no

I don't know why people say things like this. Going through menopause with teens or young children is perfectly normal. It must be the minority of women who raise their kids and have them reach adulthood before peri-menopause hits.

Oh come off it

having such a wide range of kids all needing you in different ways

even a previous poster claiming this was great for them admits their eldest became a second mum - nope nope nope

If the thought of a termination breaks your heart then you’re having your 4th child.
i don’t really know what else to say?

Please talk to a specialist- therapist ideally. You need to make a decision not based on other women opinion and experience but your own life and circumstances. It's ok whatever you decide. :)

Aww OP. It sounds like your age in particular is the worry here or are there other things you're worrying about?

If its just your age - how are you generally? Fit and well etc? If that's the case I probably wouldn't terminate based on age alone.

I had a dc at 43. 2 when my youngest as 6.. Planned.. Very much loved dc by the siblings. Pregnancy was effortless.

I was thinking about this this morning in a “what would I do” way. I concluded I’d feel the same as you.

Some more helpful things to consider - what it your health like? Are you fit and well? You need to be confident in your body if you go ahead. Can you afford it?

43 isn't too old to have a baby ( my sister is 43 and due to have her 2nd in a few months) but it is about what is right for you and your family.

I think you should get some counselling.

Also, I hate to bring it up but would you be able to manage a SN child?

I don’t think the ‘thoughts of termination would break my heart’ automatically means op shoulDnt

op could still choose it for many practical and meaningful reason and still have the right to be upset about it knowing it’s the right thing

equally she could decide she’ll cope and go ahead-but still be upset

op-seek professional help, talk to a professional, don’t have to decide for a while do take your time, and also talk through with your husband

I don't know a single person personally (friends, family or work colleagues) near menopause with a dc younger than a teen

I am so sorry op. I couldn't have another if I found out I was pg and I'm only 33. There would be no choice for me. But only you know what this means to you. Can you cope financially?

If you woke up tomorrow morning and found that you'd started to have a spontaneous miscarriage how would you feel? Devastated? Or relieved?

A planned pg at 43 and an accident aren't comparable

how is your mental health, relationship, work situation like? How big is your car? Your house? Will you be able to support 4 dc through university? Take the holidays you usually take?

of the 40-somethings I know who unexpectedly found themselves pregnant with their third or fourth child, the really rich ones kept the baby as they could still afford the private school fees, and the not so well off ones terminated (that’s just the handful who confided in me. I suspect there are a lot more terminations in my wider circle of acquaintances than I know about)

I think it sounds like you want a baby deep down. Most people who have completed their families and are secure in that decision would opt for permanent or long acting ,contraception rather than the pill, which is notorious for user failure.

I had my last dc aged 42 and I certainly don't feel too old., also had a TFMR aged 41 due to genetic abnormalities. There's a higher risk over 40 so you might find the decision is out of your hands. Miscarriage is very common over 40 too, it didn't happen to me but it has to most of my friends who conceived over age 38ish.

rather than the pill, which is notorious for user failure.

on mumsnet
not in RL

Absolutely in real life. The NHS quotes a typical use failure rate for the pill of 9% per year, which is frankly shocking. Even if you're reasonably well informed and careful the failure rate is going to be way higher than gold standard contraception like Mirena.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/how-effective-contraception/#:~:text=than%2099%25%20effective.-,Fewer%20than%201%20in%20100%20women%20will%20get%20pregnant%20in,get%20pregnant%20in%20a%20year.

9/100 if not taking properly

of taking properly, 99% reliable

It is a difficult issue, but I would also recommend considering the possibility of special needs.

Everything might be fine, of course, but the risks are known to be greater, and I personally know three women who had children in their 40's with husbands also in their 40's, and the children have special needs. They manage, of course, but I think it is something to be aware of in making your decision.