43 and pregnant

[bellaroo92]

Aibu to be absolutely devastated and no idea what to do!

So I've just found out I'm pregnant at 43. I already have an 18 year old, 5 year old and 4 year old.
I am in total shock and have no idea what to do. I feel I am too old to have another baby but also the thought of a termination just breaks my heart.

I'm on the pill but I did have covid a few weeks ago and was really ill and think I missed a pill due to not being able to get out of bed and totally forgot about it.
Dh says it's totally my choice what I do and will stand by me either way.

Someone please give me some advice

You have to do what's right for you. ^

I'm 43 with a 19 and 24 year old, the thought of a newborn would fill me with dread. Now they are independent, drive, one has graduated and ones in the 1st year of uni I couldn't go back to a dependent person. They still cost me a fortune! But mentally i couldn't do it as much as I'd like another one. The sleepless nights, primary school, evening activities are all gone by now for me. But then thats me! You have to do what you want.^

There's so many reasons not to carry the pregnancy on and I know deep down I shouldn't.

I have enough going on with the 3 I have and the different life stages they are at. I feel exhausted by it all already.

It's just the thought of a termination. I look at my younger ones and I just think how could I just get rid of something that could grow up to be like you two.

I know it's just a bunch of cells and anything could happen but it's hard not to look at my other kids and think these things

More people need to take it continuously if that's possible on the pill that they're on.

It's even more effective than the traditional way, and you can miss 7 pills and still be protected (because obviously you can take a break for 7 days the regular way and still be protected) and you couldn't really forget to take it for 7 days anyway because you'd start to bleed after a couple of days.

My mum had me at nearly 43. They tried for years, so a bit different, but there are loads of reasons why it’s not a great idea to have a baby in your mid-40s. I was born w a massive health issue (which was treated successfully), idk if it was due to maternal age, maybe not, but my mum told me when I was older that she was so worried her baby would be disabled. Also,
if nothing else, you’ll have peri/meno with a reception-aged child - I can’t think if much worse. I’m 52 now and so glad I have young adult children as I’ve got quite a few health issues now, I’m not the person I was 10 years ago.
I loved my mum but she died when I was in my late 20s & my dad died young too so I’m not really the person to recommend older motherhood.

If it were me then a termination would be sorted asap. The thought of having a baby now, with my kids now grown and not needing me in the same way is terrifying. We also couldn't then afford to support our children through uni and into young adulthood as will be paying huge nursery fees for the next 4/5 years and beyond.

That is me though. Only you can make this decision.

I would have a termination.

I had a surprise pregnancy at age 40. I already had 3 kids under age 7 and my husband and I both thought we would terminate the pregnancy. But like you I just couldn’t bear the thought of it. In theory I’m very pro choice and believe the logical thing to do is to terminate. But emotionally I felt connected to my child already. This may be due to prior losses I experienced, including a full term stillbirth. Or it may be because I somehow consider pregnancies conceived during my marriage to be automatically a part of our family and to have a purpose. (I had a termination when I was younger and the guy was just a fling and it was a rather easy decision I have no remorse or regret over. Going through with it for the new pregnancy felt very different though and I just simply ended up not wanting to do it.)

Our fourth living child just turned 3 and he rounds out our family. It hasn’t always been easy but I can’t imagine our life without him. I’m very glad I chose to continue the pregnancy (and glad that I had the choice. I am American but luckily live in a state with very liberal abortion laws). Sometimes my husband and I still talk about having another child maybe and I’m your age now- 43. I have friends and family members who have had babies when they are this old or older. I don’t think it’s THAT hard, personally, but everyone is different and everyone should be allowed to make the choice for themselves. Best wishes no matter what you decide.

what is your relationship like?
what are finances like?

at 43
with 3 children, varying ages and one with Serious SEN
it would be more about head than heart

Someone at work had a baby at 47! She already had a 25 year old from a previous relationship. Last I heard, she was fine.

My exHs Grandmother had a baby at 45 in the 1950s. I didn't know she was at that age until researching DDs family tree.

I'm 46 and would not want to continue an unplanned pregnancy at my age but I'm not going to tell OP what to do because it's for her and her DH to decide. Every woman, every marriage, every family is different.

I was 40. Am now menopausal with a 17 year old and much older dc. It's been fantastic and kept me young

So the opposite of the situation the OP would be in then 👍

I look at my younger ones and I just think how could I just get rid of something that could grow up to be like you two.

@bellaroo92 that is a very natural thing to think, but those two (and your older child) are a product of nature and nurture - their health but also the time you could give them as babies and toddlers to love them and give attention to them. Would another baby impact on that - particularly for your oldest child who may need more emotional support?

I guess my thinking is also coloured by being 60, and being unable to imagine having a 16 or 17 year old living with us!

I'm sure you will cope with whatever decision you make. Good luck.

i really can’t see how you would think a 17 year old is the same as a 5 and 4 year old

I think this would actually put a strain break a lot of strong relationships. I mean childcare for all 3 DC and all the rest of the finicial costs. As sad as it is I wouldn't keep the baby. At 40s I would look at a better form of contraception also!

My youngest was born when we were in our forties - as surprise pregnancy which I originally thought was an early menopause.
Best thing that could have happened. Has kept us young in mind by not letting us join the daily fail club (DC not fussed about having old parents as has older siblings - and nephews and nieces at quite a young age)

You need to work out what is right for you. I'm a similar age with primary children and couldn't start again with a baby, I'm exhausted already, have nothing more to give and enjoying getting my life back again. But that's me, it needs to be your decision.

She said she was 40. Surely she means she had her now 17 year old at 40.

I guess my thinking is also coloured by being 60, and being unable to imagine having a 16 or 17 year old living with us!

It's rather lovely actually. I can understand it not appealing if you had your DC younger but I'm 60 with a DC at uni and enjoyed having teens around in my late 50s. And having a primary aged child at 50.

I’m your age and would definitely terminate.

i hope you don’t find this offensive - but I also believed I could never had a termination. I didn’t judge people that did, but I was sure I would never be one of ‘those people’. Then I found myself in a situation where it was the only logical choice.

I honestly hated myself for walking through the door of the clinic. I opted to be knocked out because I thought it would be less traumatic than a medical abortion. I was crying so much they wouldn’t put me under until I calmed down, because it would have been dangerous to do so with the mucous. Anyway, I did it, and I felt shitty about it for a good few weeks.

But then I began to see the positives of the decision I’d made. I had some counselling. And life moved on, and I didn’t have 18+ years of rearing another child. I guess what I’m saying is it definitely won’t be the best day of your life if you terminate, but if you concentrate on the positive reasons why you did it, you can put it behind you.

Now many years later I’m beyond glad I made that decision, for a multitude of reasons. The guilt I felt has completely gone. I think for now, to calm yourself down, you need to remind yourself than it’s not that both options are awful, both options are ok. Just work out which is more ok for the situation you’re currently in, in your life. Whatever you choose, you’ll manage.

You’ll be living with the emotional fallout from an abortion more than anyone else will, and it sounds like you’re not really okay with the idea. Whatever decision you make, you’ve got to live with for the rest of your life.

OP, what a difficult situation.

I know some women who have found themselves in your situation and none of them have regretted continuing the pregnancy.
But then, it's quite probable those who didn't keep it haven't told me. So they might feel happy with their choice too.

I would say that since termination can't be undone, the emotional fallout will depend largely on how you feel about it. If you already feel guilt, that won't go away afterwards. In a way, the ship of the life you had imagined has already sailed.

It does not have to be negative though, nobody gets the life they planned - or very few.

Deeply personal decision. You do need to consider special needs too. I will be 43 next year with 18yo, 15yo, 10yo and 8yo and would be gutted if it happened but that's because I genuinely feel like a dinosaur and I have various chronic health issues.

You might be fit as a fiddle! Which changes everything. Do what is best for you OP, and your family.

Whatever your decision it will be the right one for you and you have to believe in that.

Thank you all for your comments and advice. After having spoken to each other I've (we) decided it's best to have a termination.
It's been a hard decision but we are happy as we are and adding another child to it would just be too much.

It's going to be really hard for me but I know it's the right choice