43 and pregnant

[bellaroo92]

Aibu to be absolutely devastated and no idea what to do!

So I've just found out I'm pregnant at 43. I already have an 18 year old, 5 year old and 4 year old.
I am in total shock and have no idea what to do. I feel I am too old to have another baby but also the thought of a termination just breaks my heart.

I'm on the pill but I did have covid a few weeks ago and was really ill and think I missed a pill due to not being able to get out of bed and totally forgot about it.
Dh says it's totally my choice what I do and will stand by me either way.

Someone please give me some advice

Yes, if you're perfect the failure rate is less than 1% but people are human. That's what "IRL" means, rather than "in lab conditions under full medical supervision".

The OP presumably thought she was taking it properly, but it only takes one bad day.

No one can answer this for you, its a totally personal decision.
But for me, it’d be no. We just couldn’t afford to give four kids the life we’d like to. And I’d also be concerned about the baby having additional needs which increases with parental age as I know I couldn’t cope with that either.

Hi OP, that's a really tough situation. I had a termination at 40 a couple of years ago and found the counselling/assessment beforehand to be very useful in helping me get comfortable with the decision. The door felt wide open to change my mind throughout and the nurse just asked kind and thoughtful questions. A call to BPAS to discuss your options might help x

I was almost 44 when gave birth but very much planned and wanted via ivf

So Age isn't an issue as such

If worries about sn due to age then get a harmony test done

If results showed an would it make a diff

You have young children but understand when baby is here both young will be at school so starting again for 5yrs till at school

The fact you say a termination will break your heart

Can you afford another baby /have room - car likely needed to be upsized plus bedroom space when older

It's early days so give yourself a few weeks space to think

No way would I go ahead with this you have enough on your plate stop feeling guilty and make the right decision for you think you know what’s best or you would need to ask plus you don’t need to justify your decision to ANYONE good luck

My dd has severe mental health issues. I am 43. I couldn't imagine dealing with her issues at nearly 60.

Again just something to consider how you would cope if it wasn't all plane saling.

Its a difficult one because its so hard to be objective with hormones telling you to prepare for motherhood, and sentiment making you think it would be heartbreaking to not have a child that was 'meant to be'. However, being practical, there's no such thing as meant to be when it comes to things over which we have agency and fate doesnt get us pregnant for some unknown higher purpose. Your family was complete, and you were happy with that, and are now devastated for a reason. Of course if you go ahead it will work out, because you'd make it work. But that doesn't necessarily mean its the best life you and your family could have, and that it's best for your existing children to have your time and resources stretched further. Or for you and your DH to have your life taken in an unplanned direction. If I sound overlly negative I don't mean to be, but you'll have a whole weight of 'it's meant to be' to balance it out, and it's a decision that needs making with your head as well as your heart.

OP may say thought of termination breaks her heart but she's also devastated at being pregnant in the first place. Its up to you OP. I really hope if you choose to continue you have a healthy pregnancy and baby. It is worth saying that risk of abnormalities will be much higher for you now at 43 than in your previous pregnancies so you do need to think about that and impact on your existing kids. Risk of multiple birth also much higher but still unlikely! You already have a 5 and 4yo so yes, 3 under 6 would be tough but it's not as much as if you had an 18, 15 and 14 year old. I can also understand 4 kids would be a lot, you may not have room/car/finances etc to handle that and with an 18 yo you've already been parenting basically your entire adult life and may not wish to extend that. It's your choice, take the time you need to choose. Don't feel guilt/ pressure either way.

I hope I don't sound harsh @bellaroo92 but a termination is really the only thing you can do if you don't want this 4th child.

I know it is what I would be doing if I already had 3 children, (two under 7 and a teen.)

Sorry, but I would not be having a baby at 43, and especially not with 3 children already. I am not sure what options you have if you don't want it - other than termination... From your OP, you don't appear to be very far along. Think about it for a few days, but personally I would not be keeping it.

Sorry you are going through this.

I think you need to let the shock settle op. It sounds from your post, that you are not far gone at all yet if I am reading it correctly. So you do have time to think it over. It does sound like you have the support of your husband. So really, it depends on what you are ok with. You are still young really, and you just have to do what’s best for you. You will hear all kinds of reasons (perfectly valid) for each direction. If it was me, I would proceed but that would not be right for everyone. I wouldn’t feel that another baby at 43 would hold me back though, even if they had special needs and I know I would be ok for money.

Thank you all so much for your replies.
At the moment I am still in total shock.

I'm going to get my head around it then have a good talk with my husband about the pros and cons.

I think I'm about 5 weeks, so I know I have a couple of weeks before I make a decision

Good luck and just remember it’s not a baby yet it’s cells regardless do what is right for you sending huggs

firstly Congratulations.
I think give it time for the shock to leave and really think about what you want to do.
Personally i wouldent wont to go ahead due to having to still be parenting when im heading into my 60s.
Your been parenting all your life and now adding another 18 years to it.You do want your freedom back at some point.
My baby is 19 i cant imagine going back to stage one let alone already having a 5&4 year old the 18 year old is gonna be a second mum.
I wish you all the best with what you choose.

Rare? Apparently average age for perimenopause to start is 48, which means many women are older than this. If you have your children in your 20s then they'll likely reach adulthood before peri starts. Regardless this is a difficult choice for op.

I’d have a termination if it was me. Why does the idea break your heart?

I'm 43 and tbh I'd be distraught if this happened to me.We were one and done though so slightly different as my dc is 10 and you still have very young children.
Go with your gut would be my advice.

Im 43. Started in peri two years ago - it’s wrecked my life so far (mental breakdown, depression, anxiety, exhaustion, joint pain, night sweats, no libido etc….)

I’ve aged 20 years overnight.

Two years ago I said if I got pregnant accidentally it’d be fine - I’d have the baby. I was fit & strong. Felt young. Etc….Then perimenopause hit & I genuinely physically couldn’t look after a baby / toddler.

There’s nothing to say when peri will start, but you prob do need to think that you’ll have at best a toddler when yours hits…..

If all your kids were grown up, I'd be thinking you were mad to go ahead. However if your youngest is four, you are already going to be actively parenting small children for the next few years anyway....it's not like you'll be off having a fantastic child free time otherwise. You'll still be doing the school run and playground trips anyway

I am in the same boat op, I have a 23, a 6 and an 8 and I'm pregnant again.
I don't want this baby but dh is so happy I keep putting off what to do in the hope it won't actually happen but I'm 9 weeks now and an early scan has shown a strong heartbeat.
My eldest has ADHD and Autism as does my youngest and myself so I know I don't want to go through this again.
We also don't have any room so they'll have to be in with us until the oldest moves out but with his additional needs he may not.
If your dh is leaving it up to you I would suggest a termination, I'd have done it in a heartbeat but like you say it would break your heart, it would break my dh.
He was on and on about having a baby and then it happened now and he thinks he manifested it through the law of attraction.

It's your body @justlikethefilms, if you don't want another baby (which sounds very sensible given the reasons you've stated), please don't feel pressured into having it. Your body, your choice.

Take your time and let the shock wear off. There’s no easy answer but in time it’ll become clearer what is the right choice for you and your circumstances. As hard as it is, take the guilt factor out of it and take the time to think about your current health, your mental health, finances, the impact on your children and all the other practicalities. I found myself in a similar situation although younger. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make but I knew in my heart that going ahead with the pregnancy wasn’t in the best interests of our family and that I needed to prioritise the children I already had. It was incredibly difficult but I’ve always known it was the right choice for us despite being sad that I ever had to make the decision. Take advantage of the counselling available and be gentle with yourself.

Just because it has become more common, doesn't mean it is easier.

I wouldn't do it at 43 with so many kids already but it is ultimately your choice.

This happened to me at 43 - was a complete shock as my youngest was only 9 mths (I have 2 ). For me it was a definite that I didn't want another so I had a termination asap.

I appreciate this is not the position you are in as you are torn but I agree with people who said about counselling to help with your decision and if you don't go ahead with the pregnancy then make sure you get counselling afterwards. I was offered nothing and I just got on with things but looking back I was an emotional mess at the time and didn't realise I was trying to process it.

Definitely give yourself time to think through all the options. Speak to BPAS for some advice. You’re still in shock right now and it’s hard to think clearly. Good to hear that your DH has said he will support your decision.

honestly? i think your dh is a dick saying he'll stand by you either way. You don't need to be on mumsnet asking strangers what to do as if you are alone with this. you need to be talking with him, sharing your thoughts and feelings, and hopefully doing the thinking and decision making together. It sounds like he is abdicating any responsibilty rather than trying to support you (or at least that he is misguided in his attempt to support)> This isn't some heroic 'i'll stand by you' 1950s scenarios .. presumably he is your life partner and you have gone through many things before, and can get through this togehter too.. but some difficult thinking and conversations to be had. hope you find your way through it together and are ok with whatever decision or path you take.