43 and pregnant

[bellaroo92]

Aibu to be absolutely devastated and no idea what to do!

So I've just found out I'm pregnant at 43. I already have an 18 year old, 5 year old and 4 year old.
I am in total shock and have no idea what to do. I feel I am too old to have another baby but also the thought of a termination just breaks my heart.

I'm on the pill but I did have covid a few weeks ago and was really ill and think I missed a pill due to not being able to get out of bed and totally forgot about it.
Dh says it's totally my choice what I do and will stand by me either way.

Someone please give me some advice

I can't fathom being too unwell to take a pill but well enough to have sex.

Anyway, I do hope whatever you decide is the what you want. You are still early, take time to consider all your options and then follow your heart. How would your other children feel about a sibling?

43 isn't too old for a baby but 50 is old for a 7 year old, late 50s for 15 and 60 old to be seeing them through their A Levels.

It's completely your call but as you know the pregnancy and baby stage is the easy bit.

This is my first thought tbh. I know what my answer would be but you have 5o ask yourself the hard questions

I had a child a week before i was 45. When I got pregnant which again was a shock as i was taking contraception i truly didnt expect to have a baby without issues. i appreciate some cant be screened but I had invasive tests as i didnt want my three older children being left to look after a sibling who had additionale needs . He ended up being fine and is ten now. for me it was a surprise holiday from work

It's a very personal decision OP and only you can know your family situation. I'm 53, no sign of menopause whatsoever and have got 4 grandchildren.... I've just packed 2 of them home again after a weekend stay and I'm absolutely bloody battered. The thought of having them permanently gives me the eebie jeebies in truth.

There's also the practical considerations... needing a 7 seater car, holidays costing a fortune, extra childcare. You've got a lot to consider.

No way would i be doing it again you have your hands full as it is your gonna be parenting till your in your 60s .
Mums are getting older but some need to think about it.
Dont you want a few year to yourself before grankids come along.

Congratulations, it was meant to be. X
You will be OK.

I had my ds at 45, so I'm relaxed about being an older mum. However having 3 under 7 would be a stretch.

Good luck with your decision.

You got pregnant, therefore your not too old. Although I do understand how you must be feeling as you have thought that part of your life was over plus you are older than you were when you had your other DC etc etc etc....only you can make this decision-but I agree with a pp....let the shock wear off and get your head round it first before making any decisions.

Of course no one wants a termination, but your decision needs to be based on what is best for you and your existing children.

Other than saying he will support you either way, what is your dh's honest thoughts on it? While you will obviously have the final say as it is your body, he must have a preference too that should be factored into your decision.

Good luck.

What did you do when you had your 1st child, 2nd child ect...did you know what to do then??

This 💯 -%

Op I had dc in my teen's, 20's, 30's and 1 at 43.. Pros and cons and people comment on every age.. I didn't have any tests and now have an exceptionally bright and sporty 9yo..
No more shattered than when I had 3 under 3. My oldest was 25 when ds was born.

Of course it isn't but this is about already having an 18 year old and a 4 and 5 year old. Just getting a little bit of your life back and then having to go back to the baby days is hard. At 43 you are still full of energy at 53 you are knackered, menopausal and possibly looking after aging parents adding a child into that mix puts you on your knees.

i'm 40 with a 2 year old, 13 year old and 16 year old. my body literally couldn't stand another pregnancy and my 2 year old is feral so definitely i couldn't do it

I'm 45 and pregnant with my first who is due in two weeks. However - I think this is a decision only you can make and perhaps it needs some time and counselling to land on that decision. It would be awful if you regretted your choice in years to come because you were swayed by strangers on the internet. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Not quite the same, but I asked mumsnet if they thought I should have a third baby at 38 and the overwhelming response was an overwhelming no. Every reason under the sun was given. My age, the chance of abnormalities, that I wasn't grateful for what I had, starting all over again and even global warming. In the end I ignored all of it and have a beautiful, healthy, perfect toddler now. It felt very natural to go back to the baby stage despite the sleepless nights. My situation isn't yours, but I would caution advice against basing your decision on what strangers on the Internet would do.

You have an astonishing narrow social circle then! I know plenty of women having babies at 40 plus. Me included! It’s really not unusual in some circles. And of course it wasn’t unusual for all of human history until the pill was invented.

My advice is definitely don’t rush into anything.

I found myself in the same position at 42. By the time I found out I was very sick so it made it seem even worse.

I had a termination but I often feel this wasn’t the right decision and if only I wasn’t sick and could think more clearly. I rushed to have an abortion as I was further in and wanted to feel better. I was convinced I was too old.

Since then, I have realised that there are many, many women who have babies in their 40s.

This is good advice.

I'm 49, but at 43 it would have been a definite no from me, for the following reasons, aside from finances, concerns about my energy levels and whether we would have had enough room:

At that stage (my kids were 11 and 8, I was approaching a different stage (High School) and wouldn't have wanted to go back.

The baby would have been like an only child cause my others would have been so much older. I think the family dynamic would have been very difficult, for example finding activities and holidays to suit different age groups.

I would be at a different stage to everyone else. Most of my friends have kids of a similar age to mine.

TBH I don't think I would have felt equipped to go with a special needs child or a multiple pregnancy (more likely with age). Sorry if that offends anyone.

I would have had to go backwards workwise.

Elderly parents. My Dad was seriously ill whenn I was 43, again when I was 46 and again when I was 47, he died that time. I did a lot of going up and down the country to help look after him, he lived in the North West, I'm in South London. This wouldn't have been possible if the kids had been much younger (they were 15 and 12 at the time).

The impact on your existing children. Yes, they may love having a younger sibling, but it would have its downside.

Hormones. I started peri menopause when I was about 44/45. I've also recently had breast cancer, having to deal with surgery and multiple appointments would have been very hard with a small child who obviously wouldn't have understood.

By the way this is totally hypothetical cause it isn't something that happened to me.

I await my rapid physical decline in the next two years then. It sure will be rapid being as I won two competitive races last year

OP, the poster who said the advice from randoms on the internet won’t help is right. We are all different, have different fitness and energy levels, have different levels of support, different circumstances and different values and goals.

I wish you all the best in coming to the right decision for you.

Surely it depends on your age though, as most who aren’t 40+ don’t have circles that are older than that.

facts are only 4% of pregnancies are to women over 40 in the UK

so many people won’t know mothers in their 40s as the number is incredibly low

You’re not too old. I had DD at 42 and everything was fine through the pregnancy. ELCS, she came out with an APGAR of 10 and I recovered quickly. If you want this baby and your circumstances allow, don’t let your age worry you.

I asked MN the same question when I was considering my first baby at 22. I was told I was way too young but it was the best decision I ever made, and the pregnancy was a breeze compared with when I had my second later down the line.