43 and pregnant

[bellaroo92]

Aibu to be absolutely devastated and no idea what to do!

So I've just found out I'm pregnant at 43. I already have an 18 year old, 5 year old and 4 year old.
I am in total shock and have no idea what to do. I feel I am too old to have another baby but also the thought of a termination just breaks my heart.

I'm on the pill but I did have covid a few weeks ago and was really ill and think I missed a pill due to not being able to get out of bed and totally forgot about it.
Dh says it's totally my choice what I do and will stand by me either way.

Someone please give me some advice

The figure I read is 5% and that is one in twenty women, which is not actually that low. Only one of the women I know who had a baby 40 plus was a pre existing friend. The others I met from various ante natal groups. It’s quite common amongst certain socio economic groups. A friend who was pg at 39 commented to her midwife that she was surprised she wasn’t getting any special treatment due to her age. Her midwife exclaimed in response ‘Goodness! This is ( insert name of affluent part of the city)! You are one of my younger ladies!’

I was not particularly affluent btw, but lived in a city with plenty of affluent people.

Nobody knows that one until it hits them....

Only you can know what you want to do. I would have the baby, personally as 43 isn't really old any more. But I'm not you. Good luck.

@motherofdilemmas No I really don't. I just come from a poor area of the country where people have their kids younger.

This made me laugh! I am 50 with a seven year old! Do tell me what I am too old to do as a mother! It’s passed me by! Will be great to be able to cross it out of my to do list, so do tell me!

Anything else I’m too old for?! Because other than things like ‘join the army’, I’m not sure what it is I can no longer do!

At 43 and 3 kids already I wouldn’t proceed but completely your choice. Give yourself a bit of time to think about it

Don't they say you regret the children you don't have and not the children you do? i'd love to have another. Every child is a blessing IMO.

It’s 1/25

4%

Well exactly. That’s my point.

It would have been common for women from all social background to have children 40 plus for all human history too.

That’s still not that uncommon is it? From ante natal groups and classes, school mums, baby and toddler classes, most mothers will meet many multiples of 25 mothers.

Of course it is

If everyone’s antenatal classes were 100 women large there would only be 4!

Making the decision is the hardest part of but whatever your decision is op it will be the right one for you and you cannot allow yourself to feel guilty or regret, or what ifs. Take some time it's a bug decision but there is definitely no right or wrong.

Exactly, I was responding to a poster who claimed she knew no-one 40 plus with a baby, but being as most mothers will know 100 plus other mothers over their time, you’d expect them to know some. So it’s not uncommon. Unless you have some strange definition of uncommon that includes things nearly everyone experiences?

In terms of mothers around 40, I know my mum, my gran, my DH's gran, my gran on my dad's side wasn't much younger, a number of friends....

As for myself, I'm 41 and I've been TTC for 26 months now. Luckily I've 2 DDs.. they took 16 and 12 months to conceive, so I shouldn't have expected this to be easy, but the last few months in particular have been so difficult.

i don’t think you understand the word ‘uncommon’

4% of the mother population is by definition uncommon

Just looked up the stats and there are now more births to women 40 plus than those in their 20s. Presumably you only think there is one decade of life that women have where it is ‘common’ for them to have babies?

And yes, I think I definitely do have a different definition of uncommon to you. You seem to taking it to mean ‘ anything that is not the majority’. Whereas I am taking it to mean, ‘quite rare really, most people won’t commonly come across it’.

@motherofdilemmas no you said 'astonishing narrow social circle'. Which is simply not true

Well yes

based on the basic definition of the word common

4% of mothers is uncommon

I personally wouldn’t proceed. I’ve got a 21 year old and the thought of rewinding the clock, so to speak, fills me with horror. Just do whatever feels right though.

The thing is, as someone who has posted a lot on MN through the years, posters very often don't (and can't!) detect the nuance in your situation and everything is viewed through quite a statistical, often worst-case-scenario lens. Little room is left for emotional.motives for doing anything as everything has to be weighed up against the cold, hard percentages. It often feels quite absolutist.

In the end, I thought, actually I'm willing to take my chances, and I did. Not to say that MN isn't a hive of fantastic support and advice, but really only you, or me, or the OP can go away and think, no actually, they don't know me and all the layers inside me. I just think its worth noting that MN gives a lot of solid advice, but it also needs to be taken with a pinch of salt when making major life decisions. Most people know this, but it can be tricky when you're feeling very vulnerable and confused.

I don't know a single person personally (friends, family or work colleagues) near menopause with a dc younger than a teen)

Maybe they chose not to publicise their menopause. Women have been going through it for millennia whilst raising young children and teens and keeping it private.

Thank you. I'm in the same position and loving motherhood. I certainly don't feel "too old". I just can't understand that judgemental attitude.

Well you are entitled to your point of view.

I do disagree with it. To illustrate, if one in 25 people won the lottery jackpot, I think pretty much everyone would agree that it’s common to win the lottery jackpot.

You would still argue that if one in 25 people win the jackpot, that it’s uncommon to win.

So I reject your accusation that I don’t know what the word means, but I accept we have different interpretations.

‘even a previous poster claiming this was great for them admits their eldest became a second mum - nope nope nope’

complete misinterpretation of my comment- she became like a second mum because she chose to and absolutely loved it. The relationship they have is beautiful.

I didn’t go ahead with a pregnancy at 42 for a multitude of reasons. It was very early and the process wasn’t awful, but mentally I didn’t recover for about 18 mths. I know it was the right decision for me at that time now but it took a lot to move past it.

You heart can break but you still know it is the right decision. In these circumstances there is rarely total head and heart alignment