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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask you your biggest regrets in life

428 replies

ThefloorisLav · 03/03/2024 14:06

Just that really, do you have any major regrets from decisions you have made in the past?

Any words of Wisdom?

OP posts:
Cas112 · 04/03/2024 13:16

Getting into a serious relationship so young instead of travelling

Terraria · 04/03/2024 13:24

I too regret not to study hard enough to go to good university, I was too busy dating.

Sadly my 18 years old daughter is doing the same, it pains me when she thinks she knows better...

YankSplaining · 04/03/2024 15:16

Thepeopleversuswork · 04/03/2024 08:03

No such thing as a "great love". To be honest your setup, of having a child alone, while dodging the need to have a man involved, is probably the optimal environment for raising children. If they didn't bring money to the table there would be no point to them whatsoever. I applaud you.

My husband is my great love, and a great father who does so much more than “bring money to the table.” I’m sorry you haven’t had good experiences with men, but speak for yourself.

Thepeopleversuswork · 04/03/2024 15:53

@YankSplaining

My husband is my great love, and a great father who does so much more than “bring money to the table.” I’m sorry you haven’t had good experiences with men, but speak for yourself.

My experiences with men have been fine, thanks. But I think families without men are optimal for bringing children up. The majority of men (not all) drain the life out of families with their needs.

Butterflybillie · 04/03/2024 16:31

That's not true.

beguilingeyes · 04/03/2024 16:42

Not telling the love of my life how I felt about him and watching him marry someone else. I regret it every day.

Butterflybillie · 04/03/2024 16:44

Why didn't you @beguilingeyes?

ForeverDelayedEpiphany · 04/03/2024 16:54

Thepeopleversuswork · 04/03/2024 15:53

@YankSplaining

My husband is my great love, and a great father who does so much more than “bring money to the table.” I’m sorry you haven’t had good experiences with men, but speak for yourself.

My experiences with men have been fine, thanks. But I think families without men are optimal for bringing children up. The majority of men (not all) drain the life out of families with their needs.

That's a very sweeping statement, and I don't think it's everyone's experience.

Men can bring a lot of benefits to a family, and most children will be better with a father figure (ideally being a loving, caring dad obviously).

Why is it better for children to not have a man in their lives? 😳

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 04/03/2024 17:02

Thepeopleversuswork · 04/03/2024 15:53

@YankSplaining

My husband is my great love, and a great father who does so much more than “bring money to the table.” I’m sorry you haven’t had good experiences with men, but speak for yourself.

My experiences with men have been fine, thanks. But I think families without men are optimal for bringing children up. The majority of men (not all) drain the life out of families with their needs.

Growing up without a dad (because he died in an accident when I was tiny) I find this really hard to accept. I needed a male role-model in my life and only had my grandad which of course is great but he was quite a different generation. I find your statement pretty offensive tbh.

beguilingeyes · 04/03/2024 17:19

Butterflybillie · 04/03/2024 16:44

Why didn't you @beguilingeyes?

Cowardice mostly. We were 'mates' and I didn't want to spoil it (hollow laugh). I also did a couple of really stupid things and I also think I was out-manouvered by the opposition.

Thepeopleversuswork · 04/03/2024 17:25

@ForeverDelayedEpiphany

That's a very sweeping statement, and I don't think it's everyone's experience.

Men can bring a lot of benefits to a family, and most children will be better with a father figure (ideally being a loving, caring dad obviously).

Why is it better for children to not have a man in their lives? 😳

Firstly I don't think it's automatically better for children not to grow up with a mother and father. In an optimal situation a good, loving, father and mother is the ideal.

More often than not, though, it's not optimal living with a man. Family dynamics vastly benefit men over women: they force the woman into making unpalatable compromises in terms of finances and men usually innately come to believe themselves to be the "head of the family" (usually based on nothing other than their sex) which leads to them generally throwing their weight around in terms of roles and responsibilities, with the woman picking up far more domestic labour than is beneficial and this sets unfortunate role models for both male and female children. It doesn't always happen but it happens enough for me not to want to bet against it.

Also I didn't say (and I don't believe) that children will be better off without a man in their lives. I just think eight times out of ten its better if they don't live with the man.

Look I know my view isn't mainstream and I'm not saying no one should ever get married. I'm just saying regretting not finding "the one" when you've raised kids perfectly well on your own seems misplaced.

meatyryvita · 04/03/2024 17:25

Realising that I wasn't ugly, fat, or unlikeable (thanks Dad and Stepmum) and that I didn't have to sleep with lots of undesirable men purely because they wanted to sleep with me (and therefore I wasn't ugly, fat, or unlikeable - aha!).

Everything else? No regrets. It got me to where I am (family, friendships, and career-wise) and whilst I'm sure I could have done things better/differently, I'm happy.

Sunny1706 · 04/03/2024 17:43

HangingOver · 03/03/2024 14:51

I wish I learned to drive 20 years earlier ! It wasn't so hard after all.

Yep this is me.

user1471538283 · 04/03/2024 17:49

I wish I had taken a gap year between school and college. I would then have definitely studied English.

I wish I had given up college and got a job. I needed time to think but I just ploughed through because I didn't have anyone to help.

I wish I had either never met my ex or I had left when I had the first really vivid shiver with my gut screaming at me. And if I hadn't then the next time.

I think at any of these points I would have saved myself so much pain.

Enchanted82 · 04/03/2024 17:51

Wish I had had a stronger,more independent mind that didn’t always listen to my parents
and challenged them rather than follow their views.
being a people pleaser

NannaKaren · 04/03/2024 17:54

SoOutingWhoCares · 03/03/2024 14:59

I would have prioritised dating for marriage/children in my 20s over education and career.

I'm a lecturer with an alphabet of letters after my name but have found myself left on the shelf and childless at 40. I definitely personally wanted a family more than career success and am annoyed that I was discouraged from pursuing that by family/teachers/work while I still had time. I was ready for marriage and kids at 24/5 but was given the very clear message that I would have been seen as a failure had I done anything other than pursue educational and professional success prior to 30 (more like 35!).

Awww not too late - get on dating sites meet
your soul mate or go it alone - could you consider adoption ?
obvs lots of things to factor in !
hugs xxx

Airworld · 04/03/2024 17:56

Not realising how much my ‘D’M had dominated my life and destroyed all my confidence and self-esteem, which have never recovered. Eventually NC but the damage is done.

Not learning to drive.

Drifting along in jobs and having no career ambition.

Being a SAHM for far too long and it’s ruined my job prospects and confidence.

Jumpers4goalposts · 04/03/2024 18:00

Worked harder at school and given myself more options.

HeidInTheBaw · 04/03/2024 18:15

Getting married twice when I knew both times it was wrong, having kids with them, generally going from one disastrous relationship to another, being useless with money, doing jobs everyone else thought was amazing but I was miserable, being a crap mother.

Nextdoor55 · 04/03/2024 18:34

Moving to this god awful neighbourhood last year. Totally reversible but very expensive,

JuniperKeats · 04/03/2024 18:36

Wish I had gone on the pill at 20 and not had a baby so young and married an unsuitable man.

Mellowbear · 04/03/2024 18:37

Getting married too young and not having the guts to leave.

Pliudev · 04/03/2024 19:22

Marrying two men who really wanted mothers not wives. Frittering away the money I inherited from my father. Now living on attendance allowance and caring for older DH2 in the full knowledge that, if the tables were turned, he wouldn't care for me. And that I won't have the funds to enjoy what's left of my life when he's gone because my pension is so small.

Butterflybillie · 04/03/2024 19:24

beguilingeyes · 04/03/2024 17:19

Cowardice mostly. We were 'mates' and I didn't want to spoil it (hollow laugh). I also did a couple of really stupid things and I also think I was out-manouvered by the opposition.

I'm sorry. I hope you find happiness.

mumofgirl1 · 04/03/2024 19:27

Not forcing dr’s to listen to me when I was struggling with missed postnatal depression and anxiety. Giving up the job I loved when I was in depts of PND and not thinking straight I regret this every day