Who pays for holiday/holiday expenses? Is this fair or just stingy?

[KThughes]

NC/NA for this.

I’ve been dating a man for the past year (15 months to be exact). We both work full time jobs. We do not live together. I’ve never been married and don’t have children. He is divorced with 2 children.

He has always been wealthy. Earns over £2m+ per year. I have always been financially sound/worked. We take it in turns to pay for things and that works just fine for me. I have a good career, but obviously don’t make as much as he does. I pay for all my own bills myself and have never needed financial help from anyone, even my parents.

Since we started dating, he has acknowledged many times that he loves how independent I am as his previous partners were apparently ‘gold-diggers’. He repeats this sentiment often, but even if he didn’t, I love being independent and having my own income and career path. I have no debt and live alone - and within my means.

He’s since sold his company (which was after we met) and has become even more wealthy. Sunday Times Rich List wealthy. Not the top of such a list, but definitely on there.

He now wants to go on holiday to celebrate. As in a blowout celebration. I suggested somewhere more low key and not so crazy. He suggested St Bart’s etc…

He said he’d pay for my flight and we could ‘figure out the rest while we were there’.

I said no, as I am financially astute and would need to know what other expenses could amount to prior. Are we talking additional charges of £1k...? £5k…? £10k...? More?!

I also said I didn’t feel comfortable with this all. He told me to ‘relax’.

He acknowledged that I have a great career and job… but that doesn’t mean I should have to potentially put things on my credit card or dip into savings - for a destination that I didn’t choose. A destination that is astronomically expensive.

I’d happily pay my own way - even my own damn flight if the trip was less extravagant on the whole. I don’t even WANT my flight paid for, especially if it means I’m going to end up being ‘liable’ for many more charges as a result of this trip.

I also don’t want to be called a ‘gold digger’ by him. I can’t help but feel like this is almost a ‘test’ of sorts. It is a really bizarre situation and makes me feel… honestly… gross.

He sounds awful . Is he really calling the mother of his children and others ' gold diggers ' , to be fair not many women could match him financially so is anyone with less money a gold digger ?
This relationship wouldn't be good for me , think of all the financial problems down the line , doesn't sound very healthy .

So he thinks other women are good diggers but he expects you to fund his lavish trip?

In return for the airfare what does he expect you to pay for? Half the hotel? All the meals and alcohol? Both?

He's trying to pincer move you into your pride not letting him pay for everything. I'd be straight with him with your budget and he can either pay the rest or you go somewhere within your budget

But surely he could just treat you?

This wouldn't be for me. He has considerably more money than you and is putting pressure on you to be able to keep up with him without 'gold digging'. You can't. I'd move on and enjoy spending my own money or enjoy a relationship with someone who didn't see sharing money with you as a sign you were using them. The only way you can go halfsies with him is if he adopts your lifestyle. You can't adopt his and pay half. He has already made it clear that he sneers at his girlfriends who don't live his lifestyle with him and pay their own way. He has already told you it can't work. His loss.

i would think by sorting it out there means he’ll pay for everything and you contribute a token amount you can afford. I’d go and pay wheat I could afford.

@PingvsPong sums it up for me.

he wants to eat his cake and have it.

its a no from me….

No opion on this but I think you should start a thread "My partner earns 2 mil a year, AMA"

Well, if he wants to have a celebration he should pay for it.

He doesn’t have a clue, does he? He’s been earning mega bucks for too long to understand you can’t contribute to this holiday. Time to spell it out to him.

If you sint feel this is the case I wouldn't want to be with him personally, you'll never be compatible.

I'd say I'm happy to go on holiday and my total budget for all inclusive is £x

And see what he says, if he offers to cover the rest to suit him then fair enough. At least he knows where you stand.

Tell him your approx budget for your next vacation. He can either a) go 50:50 on a reasonable and enjoyable vacation with you b) go on his dream vacation alone or with friends from the rich list or c) work out a classy way of inviting you along and subsidising without making you feel obliged or inferior

IMO that's the less plausible option given how much he constantly goes on about gold-diggers. If he'd kept his mouth shut I'd give him the benefit of the doubt. Why can't he be direct and offer to pay?

It's like all the men who claim their exes are crazy.

If you've been together 15 months I would've thought you'd have passed any 'tests'!

I would feel (even though fiercely independent) that he could easily afford to 'treat' you to that holiday ffs🙄😳

If he's somewhere on the Sunday Times rich list he needs to up his game..St Barts is far too cheap🤣

It's plain and simple, he's not a stupid man is he. "I can't go on a holiday I can't afford" either he pays for you as his guest on his celebratory holiday, he goes alone, or you both go somewhere within your budget.

If I was that rich and I was celebrating being even more rich from selling a company, on this occasion it would be my treat and my pleasure. That doesn't mean it has to set a precedent but it sounds like in his head that it would. And that sounds like a problem. He has some kind of prejudice even though you're clearly independent. Either he can get over it or he can sod off.

Well he didn't get rich by sharing his wealth, did he OP? Rich or not, he sounds very stingy. And he's put you in a situation in which you feel 'gross' which sounds like the beginning of the end to me.

Easier said than done, but I'd be inclined to end it. He doesn't sound like a kind person to me.

Yep this.
He banks on you being proud independent by you proving you're not a gold digger. Only he benefits here. Hes playing mind games. You have no future with this man..if anything hes the goldigger. Hes got in your head OP.. tell him to pay for it if he wants you there...or go somewhere else on your own.... let him go where he wants...he gets sex...companionship..your time..you get nothing

Very stingy and ultimately not attractive as the reasonable and generous thing to do when you have had such an enormous windfall would be to treat your girlfriend of 15 months to a holiday, not pay for a flight. I would go off him and would find the "gold digger" accusations towards former girlfriends very off putting.

Go on TWO holidays!

He takes you on his choice if holiday and pays for it all, then you take him on your choice of holiday and pay

That way you have full financial control and can show him how to have am amazing holiday without spending a fortune!

OP I earn ever so slightly more than my DP (we don't live together) but I have a mortgage and two dependant kids. He doesn't. We both earn mid 30k. For the last three years he has covered all costs for our holidays together (just us) as we couldn't go otherwise. He loves me and wants to spend a week with me by a pool. I pay for some of the meals, drinks etc but we couldn't go if he didn't do this. It's low rent by most standards..a week with TUI in Greece or similar but he covers it so we can go. I wouldn't want to be with a man who acts as yours does. I'm all for independence and will maintain my own home etc always but something like a holiday? Not the same.

YANBU He’s already showed you that he resents money spent on previous partners. I’m always dubious about gold-digger claims, it’s up there with crazy exes. It says a lot that you’re worried that it’s a test. Don’t go and be open about why and how you feel. I doubt it, but he may not realise he’s playing games sending these messages or that he potentially has a habit of being generous and then berating romantic partners for it.

Good advice here to name your budget and say that is what you can contribute to any holiday. He can then decide - in a clear conversation - whether he wants to supplement you or change plans to somewhere you can go that will cost twice your budget.

Tbh given how wealthy he is I would find the latter option a bit cheeky. It's all well and good not to expect to support a partner you're not married to, but if he insists on you always splitting things equally, he's not going to be able to live a lifestyle within his relationship that accords with his levels of wealth. It's very rare for someone to have EXACTLY the same level of income/wealth as their partner and that's why most people come to arrangements that feel fair but not strictly equal. He's also not likely, statistically, to find a partner as wealthy as he is. So unless he's willing to treat his partner he will always have to live at their level. What's the point of having all that money and doing that?!

Does he really think everyone on a swanky St Bart's holiday is paying their way equally? Many people there will be there thanks to a rich partner, friend, or family member.

I'm also wary of his reluctance to actually be clear. Saying "don't worry about it" sounds like he might actually plan to treat you, but it isn't fair or kind to be so vague as obviously it leaves a huge worry hanging over you.

Never get in debt for anyone....let this guy go...sorry op x

Tell him you isn't afford it and you are not going to be so financially irresponsible that you'll get into debt for a holiday so he should go with his kids or some friends, have fun and you'll look forward to seeing him when he gets back

He sounds stingy