Who pays for holiday/holiday expenses? Is this fair or just stingy?

[KThughes]

NC/NA for this.

I’ve been dating a man for the past year (15 months to be exact). We both work full time jobs. We do not live together. I’ve never been married and don’t have children. He is divorced with 2 children.

He has always been wealthy. Earns over £2m+ per year. I have always been financially sound/worked. We take it in turns to pay for things and that works just fine for me. I have a good career, but obviously don’t make as much as he does. I pay for all my own bills myself and have never needed financial help from anyone, even my parents.

Since we started dating, he has acknowledged many times that he loves how independent I am as his previous partners were apparently ‘gold-diggers’. He repeats this sentiment often, but even if he didn’t, I love being independent and having my own income and career path. I have no debt and live alone - and within my means.

He’s since sold his company (which was after we met) and has become even more wealthy. Sunday Times Rich List wealthy. Not the top of such a list, but definitely on there.

He now wants to go on holiday to celebrate. As in a blowout celebration. I suggested somewhere more low key and not so crazy. He suggested St Bart’s etc…

He said he’d pay for my flight and we could ‘figure out the rest while we were there’.

I said no, as I am financially astute and would need to know what other expenses could amount to prior. Are we talking additional charges of £1k...? £5k…? £10k...? More?!

I also said I didn’t feel comfortable with this all. He told me to ‘relax’.

He acknowledged that I have a great career and job… but that doesn’t mean I should have to potentially put things on my credit card or dip into savings - for a destination that I didn’t choose. A destination that is astronomically expensive.

I’d happily pay my own way - even my own damn flight if the trip was less extravagant on the whole. I don’t even WANT my flight paid for, especially if it means I’m going to end up being ‘liable’ for many more charges as a result of this trip.

I also don’t want to be called a ‘gold digger’ by him. I can’t help but feel like this is almost a ‘test’ of sorts. It is a really bizarre situation and makes me feel… honestly… gross.

There’s a reason why he’s so wealthy….

Agreed with the idea he is a stingy sod. It's probably a different sort of amusement to him to have a woman pay for some things.

How much do you like him?

I'd be tempted to tell him that St Barts is out, but you'll treat him to fish and chips at the seaside. And since you at least are fortunate enough not to be paranoid about gold-diggers, this one's on you!

This is a very incompatible relationship when you feel so uncomfortable about money. If he's rich enough to be on the Sunday Times rich list he's potentially worth hundreds of millions of pounds. He should have said, 'I appreciate you want to retain your independence, but we're celebrating. So leave your cards at home - on this occasion you don't need to spend a penny'. And then you can book a nice country cottage break in the UK later in the year, and pay for that.

I think the amount of money he has is a bit of a red herring. This is essentially the same issue that any relationship between couples of unequal income/wealth have and needs discussion and compromise.

Having said that, I agree with everyone saying his gold-digger comments are a red flag. He’s clearly got some issues around his money and thinks it increases his value in a relationship. Does he think there’s any chance that he’ll meet a woman with the same level of wealth as him? Obviously that’s unlikely. He’d probably have issues with that too. It sounds like he enjoys the power and delicious-making that comes with being the one paying but is also worried about ‘being taken advantage of’.

If he still feels like this after 15 months, I’d assume he’ll never change his view. I think it’s worth having a serious conversation with him and explaining this and seeing what his reaction is. If he’s never going to see you as being of equal value to him, and expects you to always pay half despite the disparity in income, this relationship will never work.

I really hate when people (and it’s usually men) tell other people (unusually women) to “relax” when they ask reasonable questions.

Urgh - men whose ex’s were “gold diggers” and as such you have to bend over backwards to prove you aren’t. Fuck that shit, if he’s had a history of picking bad partners, that’s not your fault and you shouldn’t be made to feel bad about it.

I would say “my maximum holiday budget is £2k. Beyond that I can’t afford it, I understand you are paranoid about not being taken advantage of or ending up with a gold digger again. So St Bart’s or other expensive holidays are not options.”

he needs to decide - if he’s going to be in a relationship with a woman considering poorer than him, either he lowers his standard of living to match what she can afford 50% of, or he pays for most things without making her feel like shit or he’s being bountiful. The only other option is for him to only date equally wealthy woman.

If he's really that rich why is he making you bend over backwards to go halves on everything? Either he's not as rich as he's making out or he is terribly stingy. If he wants to go somewhere extravagant on holiday then I think he should foot the whole bill and be magnanimous about it, not make you feel inferior or 'poor' when you clearly aren't.

You sound very reasonable and sensible. I don’t like his attitude towards previous girlfriends, he is unusually rich, and he doesn’t seem to acknowledge that very few women could keep up with his lifestyle. You need to be clear with him that either you book a holiday together that is affordable for you - or if he wants a luxury trip, he pays for you both. That’s not gold digging. It sounds like you work hard and are sensible with your money, but you have a more average amount of money. He needs to appreciate that

So he's absolutely minted but can't treat you to this holiday that he chose & to celebrate his success? Nah, fuck that.
I'd put this one in the bin, he may be rich but that would, on the surface, appear to be all he has going for him.
Can't abide tight bastards.

If he wants you to come with him he can pay the full holiday. Really stingy of him to suggest anything else.

He shouldn't be suggesting holidays out of your budget unless he is paying.

Perfect response.

Mega rich and thinks paying your flight is generous? ffs you'd expect him to cover the whole bloody holiday. I'd be chucking him back.

Keep firmly stating this. If he wants St. Barts he goes alone.

id would categorically tell him you cannot afford st barts and would appreciate somewhere you can afford as you are not comfortable for him to pay for everything. if he insists then let him pay

I'd do it % based so that it is fair proportionately.

This ignores his other wealth now he has sold out, but gives you an equal way to contribute to this trip, sticking with your principles.

So…. and I may be incorrect, don't trust my maths, but you get the gist…

He earns £2,000,000, you earn, say £60,000 per annum.

You earn 3% of his earnings.

The holiday costs, say £20,000.

Worked as a percentage.

You pay 3% of the trip, in accordance with earnings.

Therefore you contribute the same proportionally.

Which is £600 to his £20,000 holiday!
Get packing☀️

Solved 🤣

When I read the original post my first thought was we’ll figure it out when we get there means he wants to treat you to the holiday.

He's a tight wad. Minted and a tight wad.
I'd dump him OP.

The fair way to do this is for him to pay for the holiday he wants for both of you. Then you choose and pay for the next holiday you go on together.

Simples.

Sunday Times Rich List wealthy

Refers to previous partners as gold diggers and has conditioned you to make sure you pay your way because he loves 'how independent you are'.

I wouldn't pursue this relationship OP. Yes he is testing you and the disparity of your incomes will always be an issue.

I don't see the point of suggesting somewhere that suits both of your budgets when you both know he could afford to pay for a team of you to fly to St Barts, all expenses, multiple times over. He doesn't want to cover you.

I like the PPs suggestion of paying in income proportions , suggest that to him and say "it's the only way I can think of to make it my fair share!"

Or, could you flip the offer on its head and say "I'd rather pay for my own flight and let you take the lead while we're there instead if that's OK, as you know much more than I do about where you want to go and what you want to buy etc"

Good luck but hopefully you get an amazing holiday either way xx

He sounds awful OP. Is this behaviour something you could cope with long term?

If you want to keep going for now then you have to put your foot down re the holiday. Tell him in now uncertain terms that you have a set budget, tell him what that is and that you are not able to spend anymore. You don't expect him to pay for you, so if the expenses on his flash trip come to more than your budget then he either goes alone, agrees to pay the extra (which is completely reasonable and not entitled / gold digger behaviour) or you go somewhere that you can afford to pay half for.

Don't put up with this shite. Just tell him, firmly and clearly, that you can't deal with "let's just see what happens" or "relax". Because you live in the real world where people do have budgets and spending limits. And tell him to stop being such a knob.

In fact, I'd call him out and tell him it feels like a test and you're not up for playing his stupid games.

I think this tells you everything you need to know.

How are you not seeing him calling his exs gold diggers as a huge red flag?

I used to date a very wealthy man, and found the best approach was to stage clearly what my budget is. So - “yes I’d like to go for a long weekend with you, I can afford to spend £500 on it” and then stick to that. So he can spend £500 as well and we have a £1k trip or he can choose something more expensive and pay the extra. I did the same for dinners etc, always made clear I was happy with the budget option and that was my limit.