To confront family tension due to how I feed my baby?

[Chunkychips23]

I’ve always had a great relationship with my MIL. I adored her and we’d regularly spend time together up until my pregnancy became high risk. I spent most of the 3rd trimester in hospital for monitoring due to complications and the need to be ready to deliver my baby at a moments notice.

On one of the days I was allowed home for the day, she popped over to visit. She asked me out of the blue how I was planning to feed my baby. I answered I was going to try breastfeeding but wouldn’t beat myself up if I didn’t like it/couldnt do it. She went off on one, which was so out of character. She said that I’d be selfish to breastfeed as nobody else would be able to feed baby, I’d get no support, young women do it just for attention, it starves babies, she formula fed all of her children and they were fine, none of her other grandkids were BF and they turned out ok so why do I need to be so special - she tried to BF and it didn’t work out, so she knows it’s best to formula feed. I was so confused that I’d said something wrong, I even went back and re-watched the conversation on our indoor security camera to see if I’d said something particularly triggering. I honestly don’t care how people feed or have fed their babies. You do what works/worked best for you and your baby. Fed is best! Formula fed babies are just as happy and healthy as BF babies. I really don’t see what the big deal is!

Fast forward to baby’s arrival. We’d asked for no visitors in the hospital as we didn’t know how I’d be after surgery. I did have a massive haemorrhage so was quite unwell, but MIL turned up to hospital anyway. I felt obliged to allow her in, but I was in a rough way. As soon as she arrived, she picked up the baby and commented on how he was so small, I’d need to formula feed him to make sure he didn’t starve, but I was ‘one of them’ so wouldn’t. (Baby was born purposely prematurely to save both of our lives, so was tiny) I was a bit taken aback, but didn’t say anything. My DH said that we’d need to keep the visit short as he wanted to ensure I got rest and time to bond with our baby. MIL said I was welcome to go back to bed as she was just there to visit baby anyway.

I put all that aside and tried to keep our relationship as normal as possible. I’d send her regular pictures and baby updates. As she lives close by, she’d pop over regularly and unannounced, expecting to be hosted. 3 days postpartum she walked in, took baby out of my arms and told me to put the kettle on and dig out the biscuits (DH had nipped to the supermarket - I could barely walk!) Every single time, I was met with negative comments. Baby become jaundiced and that was my fault as I was starving him. If only I put my own selfish desires to breastfeed on the back burner, I’d have a healthy baby. I was still very weak post delivery so really didn’t have the energy to say anything back. As baby wasn’t sleeping through the night (what brand new newborn does?!) she said I’d be begging her to help by the end of the week and she’d be happy to help me with formula feeding. On top of this, she bombarded my DH with messages about it saying she was concerned I wasn’t thinking of my child and just wanted to show off (I never BF in front on anyone but my DH or own DM)

I then started to get messages from my DH’s family trying to discourage me from BF. MIL was making out to the family that I was struggling to BF and being pressured into continuing (I really wasn’t, it was just the option that was working best for me and baby) It was so bizarre and stressful. DH stepped in and asked him family to back off.

A week after we were home, she brought round her extended family who I’d never met to meet the baby. It was so awkward as she sat there instructing me and DH to make drinks and get them food, whilst she showed off baby and how tiny and underfed etc. Her relatives were so uncomfortable. DH asked MIL to wash her hands before holding baby and she said ‘well I thought breastfeeding was superior and gave superhuman abilities against germs’

Over Christmas, she had a large family gathering and my DH and I made the decision it was best for baby to not to go, due to being a few weeks old and MIL’s hostility towards BF. I’d have been very uncomfortable trying to feed baby in her home and I wasn’t able to pump much at that stage to have enough for a few bottle feeds. I was made out to be horrible and blocking her family from seeing baby and DH should have just taken baby and gone via the shop to get formula and there would have been no issue. Baby was premature and vulnerable. Even if I wasn’t BF, we’d have made the same decision to keep baby away from large gatherings. I was mocked at that gathering, leaving my DH and SD feeling really uncomfortable and upset.

Months later she is still obsessed. Constantly asking about babies weight and comparing my DC to her formula fed ones. I pump so DH can give baby a bottle every now and then and the one time he did that in front of her, she got her phone out and started filming, then sat there sending it off to whoever, laughing. She tried to get my SD onside by saying ‘doesn’t it bother you that you can’t feed your baby sibling’ - SD was confused and said ‘no, why would it’ Ugh, it was just so uncomfortable!

I’ve just had enough of the comments. From accusations of starving my baby to trying to shame me in front of her family. Everything from ‘he wants a bottle, look, he’s begging for it’ to ‘you’re a smelly baby, mummy obviously doesn’t eat properly as BF baby poo isn’t supposed to smell’ and ‘you can stop doing it now. There is no benefits to BF past two weeks, now it’s just for attention’

I feel like I need to have a conversation with her about this, as I’m so tired of just having to ignore her and not respond, so I don’t risk upsetting her. I’ve had months of relentless digs and comments. My baby is happy, healthy and meeting milestones.

I do want to get my relationship back with MIL, which is why I’ve not retaliated or responded. She’s has access to baby whenever she’s wanted and I’ve not stopped her forming a bond with him. But for my sanity, I feel like I need to sit down with her and talk this through. DH says he’s handling it, but as it’s continued, i don’t think he is.

Would I be unreasonable to arrange a face to face with MIL and confront her?

She sounds insane, I thinks she is probably jealous because it didn't work for her. I know it is de rigueur on here to blame a man but let's be honest, this is a woman doing this and the blame should be firmly on her. Just tell her it's getting a bit boring now so can we discuss something else.

I think you are wrong about breastfeeding being weird in the 70s. I fed mine in the 70s, I also donated to the local maternity hospital and a midwife would collect my milk 3 times a week because we all knew it was the best thing for the small/sick babies. I had a wonderful health visitor who gave me lots of support at the beginning and I credit her with it working.

I don't think you need a Conversation at all. You or preferably husband should say 'baby's feeding and weight gain is now off thr table for discussion.'

Your Mil had a massive issue with her inability to BF her children, so she is projecting her belief that formula is best anyway to make herself feel better.

Its your choice how you feed your child not anyone else’s.

And tell your Dh to pull his big boy pants up and sort his mother out!

Yes I was bf in 60s as were my younger siblings and dm was supportive.

Dgm also did so seemed perfectly normal in my family

First off well done you for continuing breastfeeding despite all this opposition and sabotaging from MIL, you’ve done so well and given your baby a great start in life despite all her comments.

It sounds like MIL has some unresolved issues and trauma surrounding her own breastfeeding experiences and is bitter that someone else is managing it when she didn’t for whatever reason. She could probably do with some counselling herself but I guess that’s unlikely to happen!

Your DH really needs to step up and make it crystal clear that her treatment of you is completely unacceptable and he supports you breastfeeding 100%.

Bollocks…..this is this women’s MIL Not grandmother anyway …she’ll be BORN in 1960s or possibly 1970s, and feeding her own babies in late 80s and into 1990s! Not bloody post war!

I’m 60s, anssuming
y similar age to MIL, mum had me in early 60s, and my MIL had her children in 50s. Yep MIL didn’t breast feed, tried but couldn’t…discussion with me revealed she’d had no support around difficulties and gave up…my mum breast fed 3, despite PND and only gave up breast feeding me because she was hospitalised with postpartum psychosis ! I know many women in their 70 and 80s that breast fed, and may who didn’t…just like now.

yep, breast feeding social networks was lacking, but jeez up until mid 1960 women often stayed in hospital for their first birth for up to 10 days to get nursing established. Subsequent births were often home deliveries in time when midwives visited women’s homes for pre and post natal care

some social group have always been adverse breastfeeding, and have socially pressured women to bottle feed - even if not explicitly ranted like this women, but more breast feeding rates in socilety is more based on education attainment levels in first world countries, as research shows and still shows.

There are just some women who can’t shut up and keep their options and experiences to themselves when helping their daughters or DIL. She is being a bully, full stop, has nowt to do with post war.

She sounds a nightmare. I wouldn't be having a conversation with her, honestly,I'd go ballistic.
You husband sounds pretty useless, I understand he may not want to cause issues with his family but he needs to be supporting you and shutting her down.

The number of women who feel they are responsible for keeping the peace when someone else is being incredibly rude and disrespectful is depressing.

If you decide to talk to her I would be clear about what is unacceptable behaviour and the consequences of her failing to respect you, your home and the choices you make regarding your baby. I would ask her to leave every time she starts talking about your feeding choices and I would not let her in if she turns up unannounced.

I also think this is who she is and I would not make excuses for her or accept excuses from her, she sounds really unpleasant.

Can you not just say, ‘Thank you for your opinion. The Health Visitor is very pleased with baby’s progress and so am I, so I’m not engaging further in this nonsense. You do not get a say in how we choose to feed our baby. It is none of your business’.

Stop allowing her so much access to you and the baby. She is abusing you, encouraging others to do the same and your husband is letter her. I can't imagine how your mental health is after all of this.

For all those saying 'medical professionals are fine with babys progress'. That tactic doesn't tend to work (or at least in my experience it doesn't). You and your DH need to have a united front, lay down a boundary or two and not be afraid to act on them. Or it will as others have said colour your relationship once she gets back to 'normal' . You won't be able to forget it.

She sounds completely barmy. Please realise this is her problem, nothing to do with you at all. She has a severe obsessional problem.
I don’t understand this “ random family people you barely see have to see and hold your baby” , it crops up a lot on MN.
Your DH needs to get tough with her, tell her she can hold all the opinions in the world but you and he do not want to hear them ever. TELL her when she can visit and for how long.
She’s being stroppy with you, get stroppy back.

And congratulations on your baby. 💐

This is so wild there is clearly something else going on here. Without knowing her at all I wonder if she has felt personally attacked by the very sizable anti-formula movement as it's become a very loud voice in society, and is now taking that out on you. Inexcusable of course! It's just such a preposterous, rude, outsized reaction that there has to be something bubbling underneath or why would she care so deeply.

I agree with others who have said that a) your DH needs to put up a total show of support for you, loudly and consistently, and that b) you need to shut these conversations down. Tell her this topic is off the table from now on and absolutely refuse to be engaged on it. Even if you have to repeat that calmly and cooly multiple times a day!

You've been way too patient here OP. How on earth you didn't say "will you shut the fuck up!" before the baby even arrived I do not understand.

Your husband really needs to putt his finger out too, and make it clear that his mother won't be seeing the baby at all if she keeps this up.

I will never understand posts like these. Trying to appease MIL to ‘get the relationship back’. I would have just put it in the ‘omg she is a batshit bitch’ category and told her to fuck off. But that’s me.

The way you lay it all out here is very clear. I think you should write her an email and include all the comments she's made, like you have in this thread, so she can see it from your point of view. Explain that it feels like she is badgering you and that it needs to stop. Don't make it seem like you're begging or pleading with her to be nice. Just tell her it's not welcome and she needs to change her behaviour.

If you include all the examples then if she gets mad and forwards the email to people they'll all see that you're right.

She's horrendous. Your DH should have nipped this in the bud immediately btw - he is a very weak man.

Id tell her to fuck right off tbh!!!

I put YABU as why would you still want a relationship at all with this crazy woman? I'd cut all ties - she sounds delusional!

She's utterly toxic, op. You don't need to get the relationship back, you need to get your dh to tell her to back the fuck off right now, or contact will cease. I don't say that lightly at all, as I don't agree with using children as ammunition. But in this case, you and the baby are part of the same unit and I believe your mental health is being harmed by this bullying. It will do your baby no good to have a mother lacking in confidence and self esteem because you're questioning everything you're doing because your toxic mil can't keep a civil tongue in her head. Please find your fire, op. She's an awful woman who doesn't deserve to have a relationship with you until she can button it and butt out. The fact that you're still trying to appease her tells a story in itself. She's obliterated your confidence with her bullying.

She has trampled so far over your boundaries with her opinions and also getting the rest of her family to join her on that escapade that your boundaries can only be seen in her rear view mirror as a dot!

Time to have a conversation with your DH. Tell him that he needs to stop this line of conversation dead in its tracks or you will.
You have had it with their snide and snippy comments about how to feed a baby.

Do you know something - it's a hell of a lot rarer for a baby to be allergic to its own mother's milk than some ingredient in a tin of baby formula.

Keep doing what you're doing but give your DH one final opportunity to get this sorted.

If they don't stop with this particular line of conversation, stop them visiting and stop visiting them.

Also don't leave the baby in their sole care for any length of time as they may have bought some pre-made formula and try to feed it to your baby, against your wishes.

I think it should be your DH that tells her to keep her stupid opinions to herself

I can't believe you've put up with it for so long. I'd not be seeing her again. Why do you WANT to get the relationship back? She's been VILE to you.

If she wants to see the baby she needs to shut up in your presence. I'd be telling her any disparaging comments about breastfeeding or your child's size or anything else to do with parenting and she will be leaving your house or you will leave if your out with them or at her house then follow through. Her behaviour is completely batshit and theirs something's seriously wrong with the whole lot of them. Once you finish breastfeeding whether that be in a couple of months or a year or two she'll find something else to attack you over. Then at some stage your child will be hearing and taking in her horrible words. It needs to stop now for the sake of your mental health, so strong boundaries and follow through. No child needs someone like that in their life.

The only unreasonable bit of your post is the idea you can get the relationship back to how it was before with MIL. This is either who she is or she's showing early signs of something serious like dementia, but given the fact the whole lot of relatives on that side are backing her bat shittery and madness I expect this isn't an isolated incident and possibly they're all like this behind closed doors. She's lucky she's still in her grandsons life at all after how she's behaved.

@Chunkychips23 - you wrote "Rather than telling her directly, he’s just avoiding as he doesn’t want to upset her"
so he'd rather the mother of his newborn child is upset than his mother?

Time to have that conversation with him and I'd really go with what @Moveoverdarlin has suggested. Give him one last chance to set it right and then go ballistic at MiL.

You have a massive DH problem, good to hear you will address it with him

But I think you’re being too passive as well, OP.

Don’t let her in when she turns up announced.

Don’t make cups of tea at her order.

When she starts on breastfeeding, tell her coldly and calmly that you will feed your baby how you want.

You need to tell this bitch to fuck off.