To confront family tension due to how I feed my baby?

[Chunkychips23]

I’ve always had a great relationship with my MIL. I adored her and we’d regularly spend time together up until my pregnancy became high risk. I spent most of the 3rd trimester in hospital for monitoring due to complications and the need to be ready to deliver my baby at a moments notice.

On one of the days I was allowed home for the day, she popped over to visit. She asked me out of the blue how I was planning to feed my baby. I answered I was going to try breastfeeding but wouldn’t beat myself up if I didn’t like it/couldnt do it. She went off on one, which was so out of character. She said that I’d be selfish to breastfeed as nobody else would be able to feed baby, I’d get no support, young women do it just for attention, it starves babies, she formula fed all of her children and they were fine, none of her other grandkids were BF and they turned out ok so why do I need to be so special - she tried to BF and it didn’t work out, so she knows it’s best to formula feed. I was so confused that I’d said something wrong, I even went back and re-watched the conversation on our indoor security camera to see if I’d said something particularly triggering. I honestly don’t care how people feed or have fed their babies. You do what works/worked best for you and your baby. Fed is best! Formula fed babies are just as happy and healthy as BF babies. I really don’t see what the big deal is!

Fast forward to baby’s arrival. We’d asked for no visitors in the hospital as we didn’t know how I’d be after surgery. I did have a massive haemorrhage so was quite unwell, but MIL turned up to hospital anyway. I felt obliged to allow her in, but I was in a rough way. As soon as she arrived, she picked up the baby and commented on how he was so small, I’d need to formula feed him to make sure he didn’t starve, but I was ‘one of them’ so wouldn’t. (Baby was born purposely prematurely to save both of our lives, so was tiny) I was a bit taken aback, but didn’t say anything. My DH said that we’d need to keep the visit short as he wanted to ensure I got rest and time to bond with our baby. MIL said I was welcome to go back to bed as she was just there to visit baby anyway.

I put all that aside and tried to keep our relationship as normal as possible. I’d send her regular pictures and baby updates. As she lives close by, she’d pop over regularly and unannounced, expecting to be hosted. 3 days postpartum she walked in, took baby out of my arms and told me to put the kettle on and dig out the biscuits (DH had nipped to the supermarket - I could barely walk!) Every single time, I was met with negative comments. Baby become jaundiced and that was my fault as I was starving him. If only I put my own selfish desires to breastfeed on the back burner, I’d have a healthy baby. I was still very weak post delivery so really didn’t have the energy to say anything back. As baby wasn’t sleeping through the night (what brand new newborn does?!) she said I’d be begging her to help by the end of the week and she’d be happy to help me with formula feeding. On top of this, she bombarded my DH with messages about it saying she was concerned I wasn’t thinking of my child and just wanted to show off (I never BF in front on anyone but my DH or own DM)

I then started to get messages from my DH’s family trying to discourage me from BF. MIL was making out to the family that I was struggling to BF and being pressured into continuing (I really wasn’t, it was just the option that was working best for me and baby) It was so bizarre and stressful. DH stepped in and asked him family to back off.

A week after we were home, she brought round her extended family who I’d never met to meet the baby. It was so awkward as she sat there instructing me and DH to make drinks and get them food, whilst she showed off baby and how tiny and underfed etc. Her relatives were so uncomfortable. DH asked MIL to wash her hands before holding baby and she said ‘well I thought breastfeeding was superior and gave superhuman abilities against germs’

Over Christmas, she had a large family gathering and my DH and I made the decision it was best for baby to not to go, due to being a few weeks old and MIL’s hostility towards BF. I’d have been very uncomfortable trying to feed baby in her home and I wasn’t able to pump much at that stage to have enough for a few bottle feeds. I was made out to be horrible and blocking her family from seeing baby and DH should have just taken baby and gone via the shop to get formula and there would have been no issue. Baby was premature and vulnerable. Even if I wasn’t BF, we’d have made the same decision to keep baby away from large gatherings. I was mocked at that gathering, leaving my DH and SD feeling really uncomfortable and upset.

Months later she is still obsessed. Constantly asking about babies weight and comparing my DC to her formula fed ones. I pump so DH can give baby a bottle every now and then and the one time he did that in front of her, she got her phone out and started filming, then sat there sending it off to whoever, laughing. She tried to get my SD onside by saying ‘doesn’t it bother you that you can’t feed your baby sibling’ - SD was confused and said ‘no, why would it’ Ugh, it was just so uncomfortable!

I’ve just had enough of the comments. From accusations of starving my baby to trying to shame me in front of her family. Everything from ‘he wants a bottle, look, he’s begging for it’ to ‘you’re a smelly baby, mummy obviously doesn’t eat properly as BF baby poo isn’t supposed to smell’ and ‘you can stop doing it now. There is no benefits to BF past two weeks, now it’s just for attention’

I feel like I need to have a conversation with her about this, as I’m so tired of just having to ignore her and not respond, so I don’t risk upsetting her. I’ve had months of relentless digs and comments. My baby is happy, healthy and meeting milestones.

I do want to get my relationship back with MIL, which is why I’ve not retaliated or responded. She’s has access to baby whenever she’s wanted and I’ve not stopped her forming a bond with him. But for my sanity, I feel like I need to sit down with her and talk this through. DH says he’s handling it, but as it’s continued, i don’t think he is.

Would I be unreasonable to arrange a face to face with MIL and confront her?

It isn’t easy to start with. Nothing new ever is at first. The first 12 weeks has many, many mothers practically on their knees with exhaustion. The natural process of cluster feeding to stimulate supply is often mistaken for the baby being constantly hungry because something’s ‘wrong’ with the supply and they are not getting enough milk. There are all sorts of things that can sabotage the BF relationship: tongue tie is unfortunately one of those things that commonly goes wrong.

I didn’t suggest otherwise. I also haven’t suggested that formula didn’t serve a purpose. Of course it does. Had my baby not gained enough weight I’d have used it in a heartbeat IF I deemed it best for them in the circumstances; this despite the unscrupulous ethical behaviour of some manufacturers. I merely pointed out that BF is nowhere near as impossibly inefficient as it’s frequently made out to be. UK BF rates are around the lowest in Europe; this tends to make us the exception that proves the rule.

Point out these straightforward facts and someone invariably gets offended. Next it will be references to the BF ‘mafia’. I couldn’t care less how others feed their babies and it’s not my intention that this thread turns into a tedious derail into the treadmill to nowhere that is FF -v- BF. Surely that’s been more than done to death on this forum.

Tell her to back the f&*k off or she will never stop. No negative comments about you, breast feeding or any of that other crap. If she does, then show her the door.

Buy a breast is best book and give it to her to read.
I'd be fuming..

I'd loudly sympathise to her about my breastfeeding is obviously triggering feelings in her but that if she couldn't shut her mouth she won't be invited to your house.

I'd also breastfeed until the child was at least a toddler, just to really piss her off

One word. Toxic!

I’d tell DH to buck the F up. I’d also be sending MIL a firm message telling her to STFU or say goodbye. Anymore comments and snarky bitching will mean she won’t be baby’s life. Children don’t need that toxicity.

In an oft-retold story in my family, my mum's mum (my father's MIL) said something rude/negative to my mum. Apparently my father bodily picked my MIL up, carried her outside the front door, said "that's my wife you're insulting" and slammed the door. She didn't speak to them for a year, then apologised, life continued as before and she was never rude to my mum again.

I'm now 😬 at my dad physically assaulting?her but it did the job and times were different.

I even went back and re-watched the conversation on our indoor security camera

Arsehole MIL aside, am I the only one to find this a bit weird? Is having indoor security cameras on while you’re in the house a thing?

Your husband has to deal with this. I had the opposite - couldn't bf and MiL went on about how I hadn't tried hard enough, formula poison etc. My husband was also a spineless dick about it and I've never really forgiven him for allowing it to happen to me when I was so vulnerable.

You need to gradually cut this toxic woman out of your lives.

It's not just any 'trauma' she may have experienced that's causing this vicious behaviour. She has recruited and deployed flying monkeys to attack you too.

I had a similar MIL. Thankfully I lived a long way from her and only had to see her a few times a year. But she found a way to be poisonous anyway.

You sound incredibly generous and patient, OP. Most women would not put up with this level of bullying. A lot would probably refuse all contact.

Ideally, your DH needs to handle this and he needs to tell her very firmly that the comments have to stop, completely and immediately. And he needs to tell her that she is risking losing a relationship with her grandchild entirely if she does not start to respect your decisions as the child's mother.

If he won't do it, and you feel inclined to do so, then by all means, confront her and tell her that you will not continue to tolerate this behaviour. And mean it.

If your DH won't deal with it, though, you're going to have to have a conversation to confront him about why he doesn't have your back.

Wow she really has some issues OP! Dh needs to have a stern word ASAP!

You hold all the cards so I'd politely but firmly tell her that this is your child and as the mother you will make the decisions and not her, and if she doesn't like it then you and her will no longer speak. Then she'll realise she won't see her grandchild.

Good luck but the previous poster was right in that she will never stop interfering unless you draw your boundaries now. She needs to treat you as an adult, you're not her child. And tell DH to grow a pair and back you up but I do believe you need to have the difficult convo as awful as that is.

think like a lot of people have said, this has come from her having her babies in the 70’s/80’s where formula was praised as the gold standard to feed babies. Breastfeeding was seen as weird. Her failure to BF, she’s likely projecting onto me

My kids were born 1979 and 1981! Breastfeeding was absolutely encouraged strongly; I was lucky as found it easy and Bfed both kids right through. Some who had difficulty had a lot of pressure put on because of the BF preference!

So not sure this an excuse for MiLs behaviour!

Why are you worried about upsetting her!? She's not worried about upsetting you! It sounds like she's jealous and she's also trying to relive her past parenting days through your baby!

Tell her to back off, wind her neck in, and stop harassing you; or you'll get a restraining order on her. Invite your Mother over to back you up! Will your own Mum tell her to fu*k off!?

If you upset her, it might also prevent her from visiting and chase her off for a while.

Make sure hubby is sat in the room with you while you face her down, breastfeeding at the same time, smile like a smug Mum, and then wave her off. Tell it to her straight, or it's gonna be court visitation access only.

When MIL has gone, turn and tell your hubby that's how you grow a spine and to go get you something nice for putting up with her crap. Don't let him off the hook just yet, though. Make him sweat.

Haven’t RTFT, but I just wanted to say that MIL’s opinions are nothing short of hateful misogyny. Without question. You owe her nothing.

This is awful OP

I’m sorry she and the family have been bullying you, especially during your recovery, there is no excuse for this behaviour

She’s ill informed as well as disrespectful, mean and controlling

You are doing the best by your baby, premature babies are often specifically given donated milk due to benefits over powdered milk

I don’t know how much I’d waste my energy confronting her, but agree there needs to be a boundary enforced with her and extended family.

For example, these type of judgements aren’t welcome and you will block their number if you receive these type of messages again and do it. The same in person - they won’t be welcome if they make comments like baby is smelly or underweight due to BF etc.

Congratulations for sticking to your principles! BF can be tough but it's so worth it. My MIL didn't think it was appropriate to BF in front of anyone. Which gave me the perfect excuse to go somewhere in peace for half an hour.

I didn't use bottles so pumped milk was given via sterile cups - it made me very unpopular with all those who wanted to bottle feed my baby.

I think you should ask her what her problem is but be mindful that I think she's just put out you're not hanging on her every word in terms of babycare.

You did so well to establish breastfeeding with all that negativity and incorrect info being spouted at you.

Fed is best and it’s up to you as the mother to make that decision. Her behaviour towards you is absolutely appalling. I would actually demand that DH doesn’t allow her to step foot over the threshold, knowing you were so delicate after surgery/birth, why wasn’t he controlling visitors and upholding your wishes? I think she’s seen you as an incubator to be fair. Keep you sweet until you provide grandchildren then discard you because you’ve given her what she wants. Disgusting on every level. I would have a serious conversation with DH and reinforce your boundaries. If he isn’t respectful of that, when you’re better I’d actually take off to my parents for a week or two. You don’t need this, totally unfair and you need rest. You’ve been through a lot and she is a huge manipulative twat. Please for the sake of your own sanity and your child, keep her out of your life as much as possible.

I cannot believe WTAF I have read here, this is utterly horrendous behaviour and you are a better person than me because I would have lost my sh*t by now. Some of the comments you’ve listed, smelly baby etc - she would not be entering my house again. And FGS don’t be leaving her alone with baby as you can almost guarantee baby will be getting a bottle of formula! I would say there is still some element of breastfeeding grief at play here from her side of things, as weird as that sounds. If you are feeling up to it, by all means arrange a f2f with MIL but the fact is you are doing what is best for your baby and that’s it. And sorry but breastfeeding DOES have benefits, particularly at such a young age. As pp have said, unless you really want to and really think you can handle it, I think this is on your other half not you.

I’m sorry OP but your MIL is a nasty bitch and is walking all over you, undermining you and basically ridiculing you in front of family. You need to be very firm and put some boundaries in there, it has gone on too long and she thinks she can get away with it. Have a really clear conversation with her and put her in her place now before it gets even worse.

I had the same trouble with my mother, I pulled away and just settled into my life, the stronger you stand for what you believe in, the easier it gets. Many years later when I asked why, she said that she had never had the opportunity to breastfeed and was jealous.
To feed your baby and watch them grow is beautiful, stop worrying about what other people say and believe in yourself. Less said sooner mended, you do not have to justify yourself.
Your mil has had her life and now it is your turn, don't let someone else push you away from what you want for you and your child.

Could she be suffering the beginnings of dementia? I say this because of the change in character?

As much as I appreciate your input MIL, I'm going to go on the advice of medical professionals, midwives and health visitors who recommend breast is best...

stfu...