To confront family tension due to how I feed my baby?

[Chunkychips23]

I’ve always had a great relationship with my MIL. I adored her and we’d regularly spend time together up until my pregnancy became high risk. I spent most of the 3rd trimester in hospital for monitoring due to complications and the need to be ready to deliver my baby at a moments notice.

On one of the days I was allowed home for the day, she popped over to visit. She asked me out of the blue how I was planning to feed my baby. I answered I was going to try breastfeeding but wouldn’t beat myself up if I didn’t like it/couldnt do it. She went off on one, which was so out of character. She said that I’d be selfish to breastfeed as nobody else would be able to feed baby, I’d get no support, young women do it just for attention, it starves babies, she formula fed all of her children and they were fine, none of her other grandkids were BF and they turned out ok so why do I need to be so special - she tried to BF and it didn’t work out, so she knows it’s best to formula feed. I was so confused that I’d said something wrong, I even went back and re-watched the conversation on our indoor security camera to see if I’d said something particularly triggering. I honestly don’t care how people feed or have fed their babies. You do what works/worked best for you and your baby. Fed is best! Formula fed babies are just as happy and healthy as BF babies. I really don’t see what the big deal is!

Fast forward to baby’s arrival. We’d asked for no visitors in the hospital as we didn’t know how I’d be after surgery. I did have a massive haemorrhage so was quite unwell, but MIL turned up to hospital anyway. I felt obliged to allow her in, but I was in a rough way. As soon as she arrived, she picked up the baby and commented on how he was so small, I’d need to formula feed him to make sure he didn’t starve, but I was ‘one of them’ so wouldn’t. (Baby was born purposely prematurely to save both of our lives, so was tiny) I was a bit taken aback, but didn’t say anything. My DH said that we’d need to keep the visit short as he wanted to ensure I got rest and time to bond with our baby. MIL said I was welcome to go back to bed as she was just there to visit baby anyway.

I put all that aside and tried to keep our relationship as normal as possible. I’d send her regular pictures and baby updates. As she lives close by, she’d pop over regularly and unannounced, expecting to be hosted. 3 days postpartum she walked in, took baby out of my arms and told me to put the kettle on and dig out the biscuits (DH had nipped to the supermarket - I could barely walk!) Every single time, I was met with negative comments. Baby become jaundiced and that was my fault as I was starving him. If only I put my own selfish desires to breastfeed on the back burner, I’d have a healthy baby. I was still very weak post delivery so really didn’t have the energy to say anything back. As baby wasn’t sleeping through the night (what brand new newborn does?!) she said I’d be begging her to help by the end of the week and she’d be happy to help me with formula feeding. On top of this, she bombarded my DH with messages about it saying she was concerned I wasn’t thinking of my child and just wanted to show off (I never BF in front on anyone but my DH or own DM)

I then started to get messages from my DH’s family trying to discourage me from BF. MIL was making out to the family that I was struggling to BF and being pressured into continuing (I really wasn’t, it was just the option that was working best for me and baby) It was so bizarre and stressful. DH stepped in and asked him family to back off.

A week after we were home, she brought round her extended family who I’d never met to meet the baby. It was so awkward as she sat there instructing me and DH to make drinks and get them food, whilst she showed off baby and how tiny and underfed etc. Her relatives were so uncomfortable. DH asked MIL to wash her hands before holding baby and she said ‘well I thought breastfeeding was superior and gave superhuman abilities against germs’

Over Christmas, she had a large family gathering and my DH and I made the decision it was best for baby to not to go, due to being a few weeks old and MIL’s hostility towards BF. I’d have been very uncomfortable trying to feed baby in her home and I wasn’t able to pump much at that stage to have enough for a few bottle feeds. I was made out to be horrible and blocking her family from seeing baby and DH should have just taken baby and gone via the shop to get formula and there would have been no issue. Baby was premature and vulnerable. Even if I wasn’t BF, we’d have made the same decision to keep baby away from large gatherings. I was mocked at that gathering, leaving my DH and SD feeling really uncomfortable and upset.

Months later she is still obsessed. Constantly asking about babies weight and comparing my DC to her formula fed ones. I pump so DH can give baby a bottle every now and then and the one time he did that in front of her, she got her phone out and started filming, then sat there sending it off to whoever, laughing. She tried to get my SD onside by saying ‘doesn’t it bother you that you can’t feed your baby sibling’ - SD was confused and said ‘no, why would it’ Ugh, it was just so uncomfortable!

I’ve just had enough of the comments. From accusations of starving my baby to trying to shame me in front of her family. Everything from ‘he wants a bottle, look, he’s begging for it’ to ‘you’re a smelly baby, mummy obviously doesn’t eat properly as BF baby poo isn’t supposed to smell’ and ‘you can stop doing it now. There is no benefits to BF past two weeks, now it’s just for attention’

I feel like I need to have a conversation with her about this, as I’m so tired of just having to ignore her and not respond, so I don’t risk upsetting her. I’ve had months of relentless digs and comments. My baby is happy, healthy and meeting milestones.

I do want to get my relationship back with MIL, which is why I’ve not retaliated or responded. She’s has access to baby whenever she’s wanted and I’ve not stopped her forming a bond with him. But for my sanity, I feel like I need to sit down with her and talk this through. DH says he’s handling it, but as it’s continued, i don’t think he is.

Would I be unreasonable to arrange a face to face with MIL and confront her?

It is your baby, your home, your call. If she wants to get her relationship back with you then she needs to learn some manners and respect said daughter in law. End of. Stand firm. (Not easy I know)

I'm YABU, only because you are even considering trying to persuade her out of her vile behaviour.
You have tried heroically to continue to engage with her but I fear you are wasting your time. I doubt she will change.

She must know that ‘breast is best’ but secretly feels that she let down her own babies by bottle feeding them. She seems almost jealous of the fact that you are doing what she herself failed to do. She is undermining your choice of BF in order to make herself feel better.
Your DH needs to tell her to stop and be absolutely firm with her.

She’s been bullying you, at your most vulnerable. Hand her a bunch of leaflets on why breastfeeding is so positive, and be really firm. I would spell it out, that you’d like to remain on good terms but after a traumatic pregnancy and birth her behaviour has been very unkind and judgemental. You will make the best choices for your child, just she did and nobody will ever dictate your choices again and if they do then you’ll be keeping your distance for everyone’s sake. Don’t let her round to yours and if you visit them, walk out and leave everytime she undermines you. She’ll soon learn if she wants a relationship with her grandchild.

I rarely comment on mumsnet posts but this one really got to me! I find that people who wanted to breastfeed and couldn’t for whatever reason are super sensitive to breastfeeding. I had this with my cousin, I literally never brought it up and did it in private but she knew somehow I was breastfeeding my baby and she went off on one claiming I was showing her up and thought I was better than her! I genuinely could not give a crap how people choose to feed their baby … but I do think *SOME who wanted to breastfeed and can’t are absolutely hideous! If I was in your situation I would go low contact with her and then when she complained would have a very frank and honest conversation with her. If it helps I’m also one of the rare people who get on with their mother in laws so I’m not a MIL hater x

This.

When someone is either so completely lacking in self awareness that she can't understand how she's coming across, or so full of herself that she doesn't care how much she's hurting you, you can safely say she's a lost cause, and for the sake of your own sanity, keep your distance.

I would keep your silence and distance until you are ready to stop bf or at least until well onto solids. Then hopefully it will have blown over. If she then leaps into other issues then you may have to have a chat with her.

Jesus. She’s batshit.

@Chunkychips23 please give yourself a break from her for a while. You’re being far too nice.

Congrats OP. Both on the birth of your new baby. And on your ability so far to rise above the relentless comments from a clearly deranged woman. Also on your strength of character in knowing your own mind and sticking to your choices on how to feed and raise your own baby. I think you've earned the right to say "thanks for your input but your continued comments about BF are not helpful, we have chosen to do things differently to you and we're sticking to it until further notice". Then the next time it comes up you can simply say "oh not that again, I thought we'd made it clear this is not up for discussion? It really is quite tiresome to have to hear you bang on about it." Good luck OP. I have a similarly mad MIL and I know how tricky this is to navigate with a conflict-avoiding DH... You've got this.

Your spineless husband needs to put the bin lid on this crap from his family. This is your baby feed it as you want. You are mum you know best.

If your husband lacks the balls to sort out his mother then don't answer the door to her. You don't need this grief

I breastfed my middle daughter til almost 5, tell the demon mil that one for the shock factor 🤣🤣 she never fed in public at that age etc but she was terrible for not letting it go!

My youngest preemie baby gets combi fed with preemie formula and my milk….. she’s 9lb at 11 months old& wearing 3/6 months clothes 💪🏻

So you are breast feeding for attention? Your mil sounds nuts. I'd go as lc as possible so you can enjoy this precious time with your baby.

This Nonsense should have been nipped in the bud DAY1. It wasn’t and DH hasn’t grasped what’s going on here: it is about BOUNDARIES and MIL is crossing them every day. I’d let your DH read your MN question. Don’t edit it or tone it down just say : this is what’s happening, now where do you stand? Sometimes grown men need to pick a side and confront bullying. Fence sitting is siding with the bully. This isn’t 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. His mother is not owed some weird supreme loyalty, this is YOUR CHILD, YOUR BODY and YOUR HOME. Either your MIL is crackers or she’s a desperate unpleasant bully and your motherhood has freaked her out. She’s telling you who she is and you and your DH need to be firm and united…and it starts with HIM telling her in plain language that her rudeness, her interference and her unpleasant unsupportive outbursts will NOT be tolerated. She needs to apologize and mean every word of it.
If he refuses to confront his mother, he’s telling you who he is …and you need to protect yourself and surround yourself with supportive, loyal, and kind people. Breastfeeding is your decision and not hers. If she can’t accept that with GOOD GRACE, she needs to absent herself. She has nothing to offer as a grandmother and MIL if she is undermining your happiness and marriage. You won’t get this time back, so be decisive. If your GP and midwife know about her behaviour they will advise you to ditch the MIL, so I wouldn’t be shy about telling the medical experts what’s going on.

My MIL was a bit funny about me BF, she eventually admitted it was because she was jealous she wasn't able to BF hers for very long. I've noticed some women can be quite hostile if you make different parenting choices to them, like they must prove to the world they are the best mother ever and everything they did was right.

This sounds terrible, I have a soon to be 4 month old and have had some struggles with my MIL since becoming a Mummy, not as bad as you though. It is 100% your choice how you feed your baby, you need to rest and look after yourself for you and your baby. Not her place at all, I can relate to what you say of wishing to preserve the relationship, I have felt the same with my MIL but in this case with how horrid she's being you don't owe yours anything. Good on you if you can move on and forgive and be the bigger person maybe discussing with your partner boundaries with his Mum and her family, agreeing some terms. I blew up weeks into having my son to my husband and in front of my MIL that people were invading my space and I couldn't stand it. My MIL was being a pain and an overbearing and interfering bat. They both got the message though I keep putting my foot down if my MIL is sticking her oar in...maybe writing your MIL a letter? old fashioned but atleast may avoid things becoming confrontational, in the way it might in speaking to her... She definitely needs it to be made plain in terms of boundaries and being respectful to you and her son as parents making your own decisions. She did it her way, you're doing it yours.

I would not want any relationship back she has shown her true colours she sounds so evil.Your partner is not dealing with it you need to tell her to not come to your house. I think she is using the excuse about breastfeeding but its something else.

Wow! I actually thanked you for your post as I had never came across this happening to anyone else. My own MIL accused me of being selfish and wanting to keep the baby to myself for breastfeeding. Thankfully she lives in another country. So I only has to take this abuse in small doses. Their generation were told formula is best but how stupid can one be not to have found out that that was all propaganda. Maybe find a documentary about that or articles to that effect.

I think I’d wait for the next comment then be ready with a ‘look MIL, I’m sorry you were unable to BF but this is my baby, she is thriving and hitting all milestones, the hospital and ALL medically qualified people are more than happy with both mine and babies progress & breastfeeding is going extremely well!….. I am happier breast feeding and a happy mother equals a happy baby…. Your comments over the last X months have been both upsetting and abusive and need to STOP as of now! I’ve put up with your unwanted opinion and nastiness and sadly all you’ve achieved is to ruin our once lovely relationship! …. Or just a simple ‘It’s such a shame you’re ruining this special experience for us all because of a silly obsession with formula feeding!’
then leave the room….. or get husband to say the above! She’ll no doubt get upset, defensive and gaslight the situation, but hopefully she’ll then have a period of reflection and apologise and amend her ways! It’s such a shame that such a beautiful time is being spoilt by MIL, I would be telling DH that unless this behaviour stops completely you’ll be going no contact as what should be the best time of your life is being ruined by someone who should be sharing in the joy!!
I breast fed and had similar comments from my mother (who weirdly also breast fed!)… Feeding baby is supposed to be an experience between mum and baby… I don’t know where or when this feeling of entitlement started that other family members should be enabled to feed someone else’s baby! My SIL BF for about 5 weeks and then went over to FF because she didn’t like it, and I never once fed either baby, and I wouldn’t want/expect to unless it was for the sole purpose of helping the mum. Covid meant I never even held my nephew… has it affected my bond with him?… NO… he’s actually more cuddly than my niece who I got lots of baby cuddles with!
I would also expect the comments to also family members to stop. DH needs to tell them all this is his mums issue and not yours and ask them to a little a supportive too and to address it everytime MIL talks about it, even if that’s just a gentle reminder that this is YOUR baby and YOUR choice!

I think you need to be as blunt as possible, because leaving it all to your dh is not working.

Why should you and your baby put up with this bullying behaviour. Treat her as you would any other bully, shine a spotlight on her behaviour and call her out. If she makes a nasty comment when your dh is out of the room, ask your dh what he thinks of x y z when he comes back into the room - 'dh mil said x y z, what do you think' . She knows what she's saying is out of order as she does it mainly when your dh is out of ear shot.

Sorry, I wouldn't allow her access to your baby or home till she learns to shut her mouth. Quite honestly, I would have barred her long before now. And your husband needs to get a grip, man up deal with his awful mother.

Literally the more I read. The more angry I got. Absolutely can’t believe someone would go on like that what a tool!! I honestly don’t know why you would want to continue a relationship with her she sounds toxic AF, tell her she’s upset you for months now and enough is enough. Either she backs off with the nasty comments or you won’t allow her in your home and DH will have to arrange visits. What a witch!

Personally as long as baby is happy healthy and gaining weight nobody dictates to mum or dad how that baby is fed. Make sure you are getting support regarding youre breastfeeding dont give up just to please her. go low contact or none have any of the other family members who were bottle fed got allergies if so you could throw that in the mix. Also breastfed babies are slightly more intellegant than formula fed.

I think you need to talk with her , she made her own decisions and she must allow you to make your own , I would leave baby with your husband and talk to her on your own without distractions , she’s unreasonable and shouldn’t be trying to undermine you!

You and MIL both seem to have massive problems. Are you an ethnic minority? Why do you have indoor camera security monitoring? When DH says he's handling it? Handling what exactly? Sit down with DH immediately and discuss how you're raising this child and what family involvement you want. Be clear about your boundaries - and then work out what roles close family members will want to have and/or you want them to have. Your problems aren't just breastfeeding - they're interfering MIL. You set boundaries - like no visitors in hospital. She breaks them. You accommodate her breaking them. Again. How exactly is your husband supporting you?

Accurate, and straight to the point. Don't give her ANY more access until she can learn NOT to be a cunt. And tell your DH to grow a spine.