To confront family tension due to how I feed my baby?

[Chunkychips23]

I’ve always had a great relationship with my MIL. I adored her and we’d regularly spend time together up until my pregnancy became high risk. I spent most of the 3rd trimester in hospital for monitoring due to complications and the need to be ready to deliver my baby at a moments notice.

On one of the days I was allowed home for the day, she popped over to visit. She asked me out of the blue how I was planning to feed my baby. I answered I was going to try breastfeeding but wouldn’t beat myself up if I didn’t like it/couldnt do it. She went off on one, which was so out of character. She said that I’d be selfish to breastfeed as nobody else would be able to feed baby, I’d get no support, young women do it just for attention, it starves babies, she formula fed all of her children and they were fine, none of her other grandkids were BF and they turned out ok so why do I need to be so special - she tried to BF and it didn’t work out, so she knows it’s best to formula feed. I was so confused that I’d said something wrong, I even went back and re-watched the conversation on our indoor security camera to see if I’d said something particularly triggering. I honestly don’t care how people feed or have fed their babies. You do what works/worked best for you and your baby. Fed is best! Formula fed babies are just as happy and healthy as BF babies. I really don’t see what the big deal is!

Fast forward to baby’s arrival. We’d asked for no visitors in the hospital as we didn’t know how I’d be after surgery. I did have a massive haemorrhage so was quite unwell, but MIL turned up to hospital anyway. I felt obliged to allow her in, but I was in a rough way. As soon as she arrived, she picked up the baby and commented on how he was so small, I’d need to formula feed him to make sure he didn’t starve, but I was ‘one of them’ so wouldn’t. (Baby was born purposely prematurely to save both of our lives, so was tiny) I was a bit taken aback, but didn’t say anything. My DH said that we’d need to keep the visit short as he wanted to ensure I got rest and time to bond with our baby. MIL said I was welcome to go back to bed as she was just there to visit baby anyway.

I put all that aside and tried to keep our relationship as normal as possible. I’d send her regular pictures and baby updates. As she lives close by, she’d pop over regularly and unannounced, expecting to be hosted. 3 days postpartum she walked in, took baby out of my arms and told me to put the kettle on and dig out the biscuits (DH had nipped to the supermarket - I could barely walk!) Every single time, I was met with negative comments. Baby become jaundiced and that was my fault as I was starving him. If only I put my own selfish desires to breastfeed on the back burner, I’d have a healthy baby. I was still very weak post delivery so really didn’t have the energy to say anything back. As baby wasn’t sleeping through the night (what brand new newborn does?!) she said I’d be begging her to help by the end of the week and she’d be happy to help me with formula feeding. On top of this, she bombarded my DH with messages about it saying she was concerned I wasn’t thinking of my child and just wanted to show off (I never BF in front on anyone but my DH or own DM)

I then started to get messages from my DH’s family trying to discourage me from BF. MIL was making out to the family that I was struggling to BF and being pressured into continuing (I really wasn’t, it was just the option that was working best for me and baby) It was so bizarre and stressful. DH stepped in and asked him family to back off.

A week after we were home, she brought round her extended family who I’d never met to meet the baby. It was so awkward as she sat there instructing me and DH to make drinks and get them food, whilst she showed off baby and how tiny and underfed etc. Her relatives were so uncomfortable. DH asked MIL to wash her hands before holding baby and she said ‘well I thought breastfeeding was superior and gave superhuman abilities against germs’

Over Christmas, she had a large family gathering and my DH and I made the decision it was best for baby to not to go, due to being a few weeks old and MIL’s hostility towards BF. I’d have been very uncomfortable trying to feed baby in her home and I wasn’t able to pump much at that stage to have enough for a few bottle feeds. I was made out to be horrible and blocking her family from seeing baby and DH should have just taken baby and gone via the shop to get formula and there would have been no issue. Baby was premature and vulnerable. Even if I wasn’t BF, we’d have made the same decision to keep baby away from large gatherings. I was mocked at that gathering, leaving my DH and SD feeling really uncomfortable and upset.

Months later she is still obsessed. Constantly asking about babies weight and comparing my DC to her formula fed ones. I pump so DH can give baby a bottle every now and then and the one time he did that in front of her, she got her phone out and started filming, then sat there sending it off to whoever, laughing. She tried to get my SD onside by saying ‘doesn’t it bother you that you can’t feed your baby sibling’ - SD was confused and said ‘no, why would it’ Ugh, it was just so uncomfortable!

I’ve just had enough of the comments. From accusations of starving my baby to trying to shame me in front of her family. Everything from ‘he wants a bottle, look, he’s begging for it’ to ‘you’re a smelly baby, mummy obviously doesn’t eat properly as BF baby poo isn’t supposed to smell’ and ‘you can stop doing it now. There is no benefits to BF past two weeks, now it’s just for attention’

I feel like I need to have a conversation with her about this, as I’m so tired of just having to ignore her and not respond, so I don’t risk upsetting her. I’ve had months of relentless digs and comments. My baby is happy, healthy and meeting milestones.

I do want to get my relationship back with MIL, which is why I’ve not retaliated or responded. She’s has access to baby whenever she’s wanted and I’ve not stopped her forming a bond with him. But for my sanity, I feel like I need to sit down with her and talk this through. DH says he’s handling it, but as it’s continued, i don’t think he is.

Would I be unreasonable to arrange a face to face with MIL and confront her?

Agree x 10000000.

I've had a lot of this from older relatives - with DS1 I was told he was too small due to BF then with DS2 it switched to me making him fat (he was 8 weeks old) because my milk was 'too rich' 🤯

@Feelinadequate23 has a perfect reply to her. I would have lost it with her already.

I wouldn't be arranging a face-to-face. I'd be blocking her and anyone else in the family and going NC with the lot of them, and your dh should be supporting you. However you feed your children (one of mine was ff and the other bf), she sounds like a nasty piece of work. This won't be the end of it.

Family whatsapp chat......

Tell them all straight, and that until they show respect for you and your child, they won't be seeing you. DH can see them on his own separately.

The posters message above is perfect.

She is making you feel bad because she couldn't do it herself back then

True. The human race would have died out millennia ago were breastfeeding as impossible as people today make it sound. This is even accounting for wet nursing and villages/tribes raising the children.

No one would think infant formula was such a recent invention in human history. Of course it's a perfectly viable alternative, but it is an ultra-processed food, and we are only now beginning to unpick the health implications associated with those.

I just don't compute this supposed generation of mothers/MiLs waving bottles of formula at their younger female relatives and telling them breastfeeding is the devil incarnate - not least that ultimate female pejorative: 'selfish'. My MiL made her own obvious disapproval covertly known, but that this topic wasn't on the table for discussion and at least she had sense enough not to raise it. If she had, she probably knew perfectly well she'd have been told by DH to butt out. My own DM breastfed her children in a period when it wasn't particularly fashionable.

OP's MiL sounds fixated, and sadly this relationship sounds unsalvagable. It's no accident that so many relationships turn sour once children appear on the scene, nor a coincidence that this is the stage at which some people's controlling tendencies emerge. And once these come out of the box, the bad news is that they are rarely put back in.

Your MIL is completely out of order. You and your husband need to present a united front, sit her down and tell her that she needs to keep her opinions to herself.

Cut off contact - what a nasty MIL

I think this is actually very unfair. I'm 1.5 years into breastfeeding ds but we really struggled and he had a late diagnosed tongue tie. When that was cut it resolved our issues but up until that point he was starting to drop weight drastically. Let's not forget that infant mortality rates were much, much higher in the past and it was common for women to use wet nurses or for other women in their family to induce or continue lactation to support and help a new or struggling mother because sometimes it doesn't come naturally. Breastfeeding certainly isn't easy and I've friends who desperately wanted to be able to do it and after a very traumatic early birth, baby in nicu and months of torturing themselves trying they eventually accepted it wasn't possible for them to get their baby to latch. It's very unfair to mothers to present breastfeeding as something simple they should be able to do. There was also much better support and more community support for breastfeeding women many years ago as it was more common place. Formula absolutely serves a purpose and fills an important gap, the problem is around financial gain, advertising etc. When you think back to those myths you're talking about, it's because companies worked so hard to promote formula without regulation. It's not because breastfeeding was ever easy.

This !

I don't think this is about breastfeeding at all. I say this as someone who bf 2dc to 2 years old each, and had to give up at 2 months with DC3. Feeding is feeding, whatever works for each baby/mother is just fine.

This is all about control. She's being nasty to you at one of the most vulnerable times of your life. And for that, she needs to get in the bin. Personally I would cut contact - indeed I have cut contact with my MIL, as has DH - because of some nasty behaviour while I was pregnant.

I'm that generation and BF my three. This isn't a generation problem it's an ignorance one. I would tell her that unless she stops her attempts to undermine you,she won't have contact with you or your baby. Make sure your DH knows how much she is upsetting you and agrees.

I think it's gracious of you to want to have a conversation with her. At this point I would be telling her she either drops the criticism or she is not welcome in your home. I would also tell her that going forward drop-in's are uncomfortable for you and should start planning visits, not just drop in.

She has absolutely no right ! That generation and some people in general are completely against breastfeeding I have no idea why??
I got absolutely no support breastfeeding and it was toxic rubbish like you described. I learned to ignore and soldier on . With my second I was super confident, my health was good and I took no rubbish from anyone .
big hugs to you I feel for you .
yon need to cut toxic people out of your life , trust me it seems difficult but once they are gone you will love your life ! Nobody has a right to bully you , or feel the need to comment on how you feed your baby .
my baby was “small “ but met all his milestones and he’s 5 now . My second was a more chubbier , funny how I didn’t hear these dumb comments this time .

Your MIL needs therapy & is in great danger of causing forever damage to her relationship with you & your DS.

you are being much nicer than I would have been. I would have stopped letting her in!

I had my children in 1969 and 1970, breastfed both of them, we were really encouraged to do so then.

Lots of misconceptions here. My babies were born between 1973 and 1982 and all four were fed until they were around 2. Everybody else that I knew did the same. Truby King and rigid timetable feeding was 40s and 50s, into the 60s, but even then breast feeding was not unusual. My MIL told me she used to sit there crying with her breasts leaking milk waiting until it was the exact minute for the designated feed. But that was just after the war (1944).
My generation were all hippies and earth mothers. The bible of baby care was Penelope Leach, who was all natural childbirth, breast feeding and trust your maternal instinct. Babies were never left to cry, feeding on demand was the gold standard.
I know MN hates talk of class but in my era of having babies, formula feeding tended to be a working class choice, and middle class women were expected to BF, to the extent that it put terrible pressure on those who genuinely couldn't.

This is pure jealousy from her

Definitely get your DH to watch some of the conversations and lock front door with key in - how is she walking in if it’s bad enough that you have security cameras but she can just walk in? I’m assuming she has a key? - if she turns up unannounced just ignore her

This is the worst case of a mother in law I have e ever heard of!!! God bless you! You are clearly a fantastic Mum and well done you for not being bullied by this absolute witch! You are a saint for not getting her by the scruff of the neck and chucking her out of your house. Your husband is being incredibly spineless though. So upset for you, keep doing what you're doing and do not give in to her. Hopefully one day she will realise how absolutely appallingly she has behaved.

This was my mum. Tbh. But a bit different. I had a ten pound baby. It was all. You can’t possibly be giving him enough food. Blah blah blah.

but I was as evidenced by the fact he was growing.

it’s somehow easier with your own mum to say

wind your neck in.

hut it needs to be said.

if you’re able to breastfeed. Baby is growing. Baby is meeting milestones etx. Others should mind their business x

Huge sympathy OP, I had almost exactly the same from my MIL. We weren't as close as you were with yours, but before Dd arrived I thought we'd always got on very well.

My SC had been born when my DH first wife was much younger than me, so I wondered if she'd been able to persuade her to do things much more easily. Either way she didn't give up.

Leaving her to cry was another issue she had. I'm a pick up and cuddle the second they look like they're going to cry type (not judging anyone who isn't obviously) especially when you don't want to have to comfort feed because of the atmosphere and so she started with the "oh your one of those mothers, it does them good to cry you're going to be making a rod...."

I was made to feel like a perverted exhibitionist every time I fed dd (in the car because in her house it made everyone feel uncomfortable)

One day when Dd was about 3 months old we were there for dinner and she'd been having a cuddle with grandma. I went into the kitchen to wash up my plate for literally two minutes and came back to DN feeding DD mashed potato mixed with gravy, grandma was telling her how it would put some meat on her poor little starved bones.

That was the point where I just thought I can't do this any more. I had been as nice as I could be, but I was absolutely fuming. We were a long way of weaning and salty bloody mash with greasy gravy off an unwashed finger would never have featured!

DH had been dealing with it up to then in his own way (like yours she'd been great when Sc were small, and a big support when he got divorced). When we left I told him in no uncertain terms that I wasn't going to bite my tongue or be a pushover any more.

If I had my time again I'd have spoken up before the potato incident. It doesn't do you any good waiting until your furious. Even if you try and fail then you can at least say that you've tried.

My Dd is older now, but because of me not wanting her at mil without dh or I when she was small it does mean she's not as close to that side of her family, which is a real shame because that has translated in to a bit of distance from SC that wouldn't have been there had they been at grandma's together perhaps.

What an absolute freak….
She sounds like she’s had some form of trauma or issue with breastfeeding her own children in the past and now she’s unfairly projecting it onto you.

Your DH definitely needs to step in and you should avoid her for now. What a shame for her to ruin the relationship you had!

Sorry you’re going through this 🤍

I used to think I’d miss that I didn’t have a MIL as she is estranged from my DP, but the more posts I read on MN, the more grateful I feel haha

Tell her every single health expert knows BF is the best for the baby and that you are lucky enough you can do it and expect others to respect your decision . It’s nothing to do with her , it’s not up to her to even discuss this issue and she is a rude cow ! Sorry but people like your MIL come across as deranged! I would actually be scared to leave my child with someone like her .

All this suggesting that mothers in the 60s, 70s, and 80s were encouraged to formula feed is just plain wrong! In our various NCT and NHS groups in the 70s, breast feeding was considered both desirable and normal, and FF was second-best, something only to be considered if -for some truly unfortunate reason!- you couldn't BF. The Truby King regime was much, much earlier - 20s to 50s. He died in 1938.

The only feeding advice we were given was to try to get our offspring into a regime of 3 to 4 hourly feeding. My small, very hungry baby couldn't wait for 3 hours before a feed - so I made sure he didn't have to.