To confront family tension due to how I feed my baby?

[Chunkychips23]

I’ve always had a great relationship with my MIL. I adored her and we’d regularly spend time together up until my pregnancy became high risk. I spent most of the 3rd trimester in hospital for monitoring due to complications and the need to be ready to deliver my baby at a moments notice.

On one of the days I was allowed home for the day, she popped over to visit. She asked me out of the blue how I was planning to feed my baby. I answered I was going to try breastfeeding but wouldn’t beat myself up if I didn’t like it/couldnt do it. She went off on one, which was so out of character. She said that I’d be selfish to breastfeed as nobody else would be able to feed baby, I’d get no support, young women do it just for attention, it starves babies, she formula fed all of her children and they were fine, none of her other grandkids were BF and they turned out ok so why do I need to be so special - she tried to BF and it didn’t work out, so she knows it’s best to formula feed. I was so confused that I’d said something wrong, I even went back and re-watched the conversation on our indoor security camera to see if I’d said something particularly triggering. I honestly don’t care how people feed or have fed their babies. You do what works/worked best for you and your baby. Fed is best! Formula fed babies are just as happy and healthy as BF babies. I really don’t see what the big deal is!

Fast forward to baby’s arrival. We’d asked for no visitors in the hospital as we didn’t know how I’d be after surgery. I did have a massive haemorrhage so was quite unwell, but MIL turned up to hospital anyway. I felt obliged to allow her in, but I was in a rough way. As soon as she arrived, she picked up the baby and commented on how he was so small, I’d need to formula feed him to make sure he didn’t starve, but I was ‘one of them’ so wouldn’t. (Baby was born purposely prematurely to save both of our lives, so was tiny) I was a bit taken aback, but didn’t say anything. My DH said that we’d need to keep the visit short as he wanted to ensure I got rest and time to bond with our baby. MIL said I was welcome to go back to bed as she was just there to visit baby anyway.

I put all that aside and tried to keep our relationship as normal as possible. I’d send her regular pictures and baby updates. As she lives close by, she’d pop over regularly and unannounced, expecting to be hosted. 3 days postpartum she walked in, took baby out of my arms and told me to put the kettle on and dig out the biscuits (DH had nipped to the supermarket - I could barely walk!) Every single time, I was met with negative comments. Baby become jaundiced and that was my fault as I was starving him. If only I put my own selfish desires to breastfeed on the back burner, I’d have a healthy baby. I was still very weak post delivery so really didn’t have the energy to say anything back. As baby wasn’t sleeping through the night (what brand new newborn does?!) she said I’d be begging her to help by the end of the week and she’d be happy to help me with formula feeding. On top of this, she bombarded my DH with messages about it saying she was concerned I wasn’t thinking of my child and just wanted to show off (I never BF in front on anyone but my DH or own DM)

I then started to get messages from my DH’s family trying to discourage me from BF. MIL was making out to the family that I was struggling to BF and being pressured into continuing (I really wasn’t, it was just the option that was working best for me and baby) It was so bizarre and stressful. DH stepped in and asked him family to back off.

A week after we were home, she brought round her extended family who I’d never met to meet the baby. It was so awkward as she sat there instructing me and DH to make drinks and get them food, whilst she showed off baby and how tiny and underfed etc. Her relatives were so uncomfortable. DH asked MIL to wash her hands before holding baby and she said ‘well I thought breastfeeding was superior and gave superhuman abilities against germs’

Over Christmas, she had a large family gathering and my DH and I made the decision it was best for baby to not to go, due to being a few weeks old and MIL’s hostility towards BF. I’d have been very uncomfortable trying to feed baby in her home and I wasn’t able to pump much at that stage to have enough for a few bottle feeds. I was made out to be horrible and blocking her family from seeing baby and DH should have just taken baby and gone via the shop to get formula and there would have been no issue. Baby was premature and vulnerable. Even if I wasn’t BF, we’d have made the same decision to keep baby away from large gatherings. I was mocked at that gathering, leaving my DH and SD feeling really uncomfortable and upset.

Months later she is still obsessed. Constantly asking about babies weight and comparing my DC to her formula fed ones. I pump so DH can give baby a bottle every now and then and the one time he did that in front of her, she got her phone out and started filming, then sat there sending it off to whoever, laughing. She tried to get my SD onside by saying ‘doesn’t it bother you that you can’t feed your baby sibling’ - SD was confused and said ‘no, why would it’ Ugh, it was just so uncomfortable!

I’ve just had enough of the comments. From accusations of starving my baby to trying to shame me in front of her family. Everything from ‘he wants a bottle, look, he’s begging for it’ to ‘you’re a smelly baby, mummy obviously doesn’t eat properly as BF baby poo isn’t supposed to smell’ and ‘you can stop doing it now. There is no benefits to BF past two weeks, now it’s just for attention’

I feel like I need to have a conversation with her about this, as I’m so tired of just having to ignore her and not respond, so I don’t risk upsetting her. I’ve had months of relentless digs and comments. My baby is happy, healthy and meeting milestones.

I do want to get my relationship back with MIL, which is why I’ve not retaliated or responded. She’s has access to baby whenever she’s wanted and I’ve not stopped her forming a bond with him. But for my sanity, I feel like I need to sit down with her and talk this through. DH says he’s handling it, but as it’s continued, i don’t think he is.

Would I be unreasonable to arrange a face to face with MIL and confront her?

Chunky: you are a great mum. You're also a better and far more forbearing DiL than your MiL deserves.

It's a very hard realization to come to terms with that your relationship with your in-laws is as it is, rather than as you'd ideally want it to be. It's all the more difficult when you had a positive relationship before. But this is who she is. For whatever reason, she's simply chosen not to show her teeth until now and the birth of a garndchild evidently triggers this behaviour, since your DH says she has form for it. Once they're set on this path, the unfortunate precedent is that they don't change.

It also isn't that unusual. I've lost count of the number of threads I've read on MN where the DiL claims to have had no issues in her relationship with her MiL - until children came into the picture. This was the point at which, for whatever strange reason was setting them off, they became overnight monsters.

Your desire for your daughter to maintain a good relationship with her grandparent is commendable. In most cases this is beneficial to a child, but if MiL is as toxic as she sounds, there may come a point where this is no longer the case. If she's this intent on undermining your parenting to your face, she might have no compunction about doing the same thing to your daughter.

Unfortunately I'd be keeping a wary distance and reducing - but not eliminating - contact with her. Given the circumstances, this is about more than setting boundaries. It's a simple matter of self-preservation.

Agree she seems to be carrying her own trauma around young babies/breastfeeding etc which she is projecting. Not your problem. She has a MASSIVE chip on her shoulder. Pity and ignore.

There might be more things like this that you weren't exposed to or didn’t notice before you had your own baby, but which will now be coming your way. Perhaps she just hates the new permanence of your relationship with her son - she will no longer be given saviour status if you and he are doing well with your baby and the SC…

Frankly, as there are other children to consider, I would simply ignore, try to keep her at arm’s length and simply say “this is my choice” if absolutely pushed. (Your husband’s comment about her behavior around new grandchildren suggests she has form for this or similar).

But if there is event one more issue that she starts fixating/criticising on I’d call it and minimize contact as best I could.

In the meantime I’d also try and disabuse myself of any idea you can get your relationship back... She is showing you who she is, and the dragging other people into it/entitlement/catty comments etc etc are all unforgivable. Don’t ever confide anything to her - she is not to be trusted. Awful.

Fuck that. She wouldn’t cross my threshold again. Never let her be alone with your baby

It’s hard because prior to this, she was fantastic. A little bit of a worrier at times, but we had such a good relationship.

What you've subsequently described though puts me in mind of the frequent story you hear from women whose partners morphed into abusive monsters - oh, but he was as nice as pie until I got pregnant/the baby came and then out came the cloven hoof...".

Perfectly nice until they've got you in a vulnerable position and then the gloves come off and you see the real person behind the mask. And it may be the person you're seeing now IS the real her - the person you knew before was just an act.

She’s batshit crazy.

I concluded YANBU within the first third of your first post.
Your MIL is a nightmare. I would confront her with your DH there backing you up. You both need to set her straight as a unit, and if she calls any bluffs like if you say last chance or we are going no contact with you be ready and willing to carry it out.

I don’t think MIL has any trauma about breastfeeding.

Her generation was told and fully believed that bottle is best. They were told breastfeeding is disgusting and animalistic, might as well piss in your baby’s mouth as all bodily fluids are foul. MIL did what her generation was told, and typically has not changed with the times so still thinks she did it right and breastfeeding is disgusting, attention seeking, nonsense that harms babies.

We weren't told that at all.

It wasn't so common though. And you didn't dare do it out of the house, as it attracted filthy old men to watch.

All of her outdated thoughts are those created by formula companies. You are doing the best for your baby and she knows it! I never understand why its okay for anyone to suggest that breastmilk that is created specifically for human babies is inferior to ARTIFICIAL MILK!!!!!!

Tell her to do one. And I'd breastfeed til minimum age of 4 to piss them all off

My mum was. As was my MIL. And aunts.

I do want to get my relationship back with MIL, which is why I’ve not retaliated or responded.

@Chunkychips23 This is where you’re going wrong, I’d have nothing more to do with her, and DH would be on thin ice too.

After all you’ve been through I would honestly just tell her to do one.

My MIL (and quite a few of my own family) have been negative about me breastfeeding but I have a happy child with a secure attachment and get a little oxytocin myself.

If you give in about how you feed YOUR child , there will be other criticisms.

I don't use the word lightly but that woman is a complete and utter cunt.

And your husband is a wet lettuce.

Do you have parents, siblings, friends?

She is waging a bullying campaign against you and dragging her extended family into it.

She also seems to want your baby.

Time for stern words with your husband. He needs to man up, step up and and speak up in defence of his wife and both his children.

The great thing that happened to me when I had a baby was that I became more 'selfish'. Maybe it was the tiredness, or the protective mother instinct, but I didn't care at all what other people thought. I did what I wanted to do and said what I needed to.

Regard it as your right to protect yourself and the little one. Do what you need to do to get this negative presence away from you. Your MIL might change if you take a stand, she might not but who cares? It's about your wellbeing and the baby now.

Ive had ssimilar with my mil recently, but not as bad!

I even posted about it on here for advice.

She was only supportive of bf until 6 months and then became very judgmental, rude and offensive. Even blaming my miscarriage on me srill breastfeeding at 15 months pp!

We both laid into her massively, together, calling her rude, offensive, and ignorant. We quoted WHO recommendations of bf minimum 2 years. Told her that we would be cutting her out of our lives in future due to her having and anti breastfeeding agenda.

In the end, she apologised profusely and took it all back.

Im still not speaking to her (why should I?) But dh speaks to her on the phone.

You and your husband need to be a team and I'm aghast he doesn't believe your word about your mil.

He needs to be apologising to you first, and then he needs to deal with his mother.

Thousands of mothers? Billions of mothers have breastfed their babies.

You make it sound like some very niche club. This is too soft. The time for softness has passed. This mil needs her arse handing to her.

If DH was "handling it" then it would have stopped. Her behaviour is totally unacceptable. Stop accepting it. Summon up some fierce mumma-bear wrath and start defending yourself.

You must have a patience of a saint and your approach would be working in an ideal world where all people actually mean well and are also capable of seeing their own flaws.

As many people (unfortunately) this example of MIL is simply egocentric, evil, enjoys putting others down and is absolutely convinced she is right (very likely on every topic, because you really do need experience to be able to torture someone for so long with them still wondering if they can somehow mend this?!?).

As someone whose approach to life throughout my 20s and well into 30s was just like what you describe, essentially a people pleaser, if I can just say something...
Imagine you are working hard at work, like really hard, it's affecting your private life and all...but you really want a promotion and frankly you are doing an amazing job.
And a colleague uses every opportunity in front of management to emphasize you are doing a shit job (while in fact you are more capable then the colleague). He also goes and deletes your files off your computer essentially setting you back so you need to redo work. He is also trying to get others from the company to bully you the same way. And, oh yeah - he is also accusing you how you are just trying to show off by working hard and tells you to stop being so good at your job every single day.

So, tell me - would you say to this person let's try and be friends again? When were you exactly friends?
This is literally identical situation.

I think all the times in the past that you thought your MiL was being nice and you were getting along, she was holding her tongue and it is only since you've had your baby that she literally couldn't hold it any longer and now you're seeing the true MiL coming out.

You will never have the friendship or relationship that you had with her in the past ever again - she has seen to that.

So, my advice at this stage is to do what you want, how you want and if she comments, you leave (unless you're in your own home and then you kick her out) and you don't ever have to see her again.

All these useless men too afraid to speak the truth to their mothers (I’ve been married to two of them).

I have an adult son. He and my other children have been raised to be able to speak to me about anything. To tell me if I’m overstepping or acting like a dick.

My children know that I am not some scared cow to be revered at all costs. They can tell me if I am out of line.

The only actual important relationships in my life are with my children when it comes down to it. And in time, that will extend to their partners and their children.

I would not jeopardise that in anyway by acting like a dick. In some ways , I am glad that I have had two sets on inlaws who have as it’s taught me a lot of lessons in life and made me grow as a person. I know how not to act, basically.

Screw that, next time she uttered a word I'd be telling her to fuck right off with her opinions and not come back until she can be reasonable.

Christ, please tell her to fuck off. How dare she?!

OP I would honestly bring this up with her directly, if you feel up to it. I would be straight to the point, no pussy-footing around.

"MIL, I'm very sorry for you that you were not able to or weren't encouraged to breastfeed your children and that you clearly have ongoing trauma from that, even all these years later. I'm so grateful and DH is so happy that things have changed now and that I'm able to give my children the best possible start in life.

However, whilst I pity your circumstances and empathise with your undealt with trauma, I will not allow you to continue to use it against me, and try to make me feel like a bad mother. Given we had such a good relationship prior to me having DC, I was really looking forward to that bond strengthening when DC arrived and seeing you be a brilliant grandma. But instead all you've done is belittle and insult me, both to my face and behind my back, and continuously tried to undermine my parenting.

My mental health is now starting to suffer from your horrendous treatment of me and I am therefore not going to see you going forward, or allow LO to see you, as no child benefits from spending time with someone who is so deliberately awful to their mother. The only thing that benefits DC at this age is having a well-supported mother. Thank goodness my own family and friends have been nothing but supportive and DC is continuing to thrive.

Hopefully in time we can build our relationship again, but only if you give a full and meaningful apology to me, DH and DC. It will also take a lot of time to re-build the trust after all the hurt you have caused. The only reason I am willing to give you any chance at all is because this seems so out of character for you and I am therefore giving you the benefit of the doubt that this is linked to a deeply held trauma in not being able to breastfeed your own children. It is not too late to get counselling or therapy to help you through these feelings and I'll be willing to talk to you once you are able to address this issue with kindness. One more swipe or negative word from you on this and you will be out of lives permanently as nobody has the right to try to damage a mother-child bond, as you are doing and I need to set the best example to DC, not to allow her/him to be bullied."

Make sure DH is in agreement before sending it. If he isn't, read him the riot act. His ONLY role at the moment is to support you.

I think you need to accept that the relationship you had is gone. She's pushed things too far to get that back.
If DH doesn't deal with it then tell her straight. It's none of her business and she needs to keep her unwanted opinions to herself or risk having no relationships with you or the baby.

And send this! This is perfect!

Well she sounds completely unhinged.