To want to fly home with our DD?

[HomeWard93]

Backstory:
DD is 8 months old had started solids but is still breastfed.
I have very, very little to do with DHs side of the family. I don’t get on with them, I don’t like them and vice versa so I don’t believe in spending parts of my short time on this earth with them unless it’s a big occasion/will cause fuss if I don’t. Before anyone starts saying “LTB” over my DH- it affects about 5% of our relationship, the other 95% is all good so I’m not leaving my partner over wanting to spend time with his family

SIL announced at Christmas time she was getting married. It was DDs first Christmas so PIL and SIL came over from Australia, stayed in a hotel and I only had to deal with them for a couple of hours on Xmas day.

SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid which took me massively by surprise. I thought it was her way of trying to build bridges so I accepted. Then she said babies weren’t welcome at the wedding- I then pointed out it wouldn’t be feesable as I physically couldn’t leave my child for 2 weeks (which would of been the minimum we would of gone to the other side of the world for- those who have been will understand you need the first 4/5 days to get over the jet lag) as she relied on me for nutrition and I wasn’t comfortable leaving her for a prolonged period of time. Not to mention my parents are in their 80s and couldn’t cope with a near toddler for 2 weeks.

SIL at first caused a fuss, couple of days later ran and agreed DD as her niece would be welcome. Great- or so I thought.

Me and DH arrived here yesterday, the wedding is next weekend. We went round to PIL for dinner and to meet SILs fiancée, and she introduced me to a neighbour who “would look after DD while we were at the wedding”. I was gobsmacked.

Ask what she meant and she said DD would stay with this complete stranger I had only just met for the day while I was at the wedding. I believe my precise words in reply were “you can fuck right off”.

SIL is refusing to have DD at the wedding so I have three choices- a) try and get my DD used to a bottle while we are in a strange country, surrounded by people she doesn’t know and is struggling with jet lag b) I refuse to go to the wedding and let DH go (which of course I’m fine with) but enjoy the rest of our holiday with DH or c) I book me and DD flights home on our credit card and leave DH here to holiday alone, again which I’m fine with.

Apparently I’m unreasonable if I do anything other than option A. Couldn’t give a shit what the out laws think and DH is upset too and agrees I’ve been blind sided but understand he wants to spend time with his family.

AIBU to want to go home?

Was OP necessarily "tricked"? It's not entirely clear. She says she pointed out she couldn't leave the baby for two weeks, it could well be that SIL misinterpreted that to mean that she could leave the baby for a day, which at 8 months really wouldn't be surprising, especially given that SIL doesn't have children herself. It does sound like this could well all have been a misunderstanding, so it's a real pity that OP has burnt her boats - and forced her husband to burn his - without making at least some attempt to handle the whole thing diplomatically

Very different from making the journey with an 8 month old baby. And they didn’t come to the UK to be with the OP at Christmas. They came to be with their son. Not the same thing at all.

@Kjones27

Everyone does long journeys.

No they don't. That's a very narrow (and privileged) view of the world. Many many people just can't afford it. To many people it would be a major journey. I know friends and family who won't travel to Australia and New Zealand because it's such a long flight. My best friend would only go to Australia (to visit friends) if they went first class because she couldn't bear to be travelling for such a long time.

The OP HAS said that she will cut off the grandchild from her grandparents, and I have seen that in happen in my own family. And I have seen that happen in my own family. I have seen the devastation. It causes bot just the grandparents, but also it causes devastation the the grandchild.

My aunt stopped my granny seeing her grandchildren, after about the age of 6. My poor grandmother was devastated. She was cut off from her grandchildren for many many years.

The granddaughterSs came to see her when they were adults and could make their own choices to go see her. I was there at the reunion.

I saw my granny hug her granddaughters and she cried deeply , and she said to them "I never ever forgot you. I love you so much, i never forgot you".

I cried aswell. The granddaughters had always wanted to see her, but they weren't allowed. And they had missed her terribly

My granny passed away not long after that. So the granddaughters only got to see her for a short time.

They are angry and have had arguments with their mother about her not letting them see her. They always wanted to see her.

If you stop grandkids seeing their granny op , the children suffer. Please don't do it.

So, no then. Babysitting doesn’t give you an insight into weaning issues. Not everyone can express easily and not all babies take to the bottle having been exclusively breast fed. It takes time to even drop one feed to introduce a bottle, but her in laws are expecting the OP to do exactly that in time for the wedding.

I would do option D...
Turn up with said child and stay for the whole event! If they make a scene , it will be on them...

Are you really comparing flying from the U.K. to Aus with…flying from Ireland to the U.K?

That’s kind of the way AIBU works.

As I said before you don't need to be travelling to Australia to do a long journey.

I travel from Ireland to the UK to see family.

I live two hours from an airport in ireland.

They live two hours from an airport in England.

As we all know, you have to be at the airport two hours before flight time.

With bus and train delays aswell, it has taken me twelve hours sometimes to get to my cousins house in the UK.

I remember a couple of times leaving my house at 9 am in ireland and getting to my cousins house at 11 pm in the uk. That was due to train strikes /trains being cancelled in the UK.

It can take a whole day.

OP’s in laws live in Australia so unlikely that there would be much fall out even if she did follow through - which I don’t think she will when she calms down. She’s not insisting that her DH cut them off and is being reasonable about his need for a relationship with them - that makes me think it’s been said in anger.

Even if that were the case, SIL could have still asked OP beforehand if she would have minded someone watching her daughter for the day before they flew over. It is not something you just tell someone, regardless if you are childfree or not.

And? That is still nothing compared to travelling to Australia and being on a plane for over 15 hours, one-way.

Had that been the case, surely before they travelled SiL would have at least mentioned that they had arranged for someone to look after the baby on the wedding day. If OP was part of the wedding party it’s very short notice to replace her - easier to make her think baby will be coming to the wedding to get her there, and deal with the fall out afterwards. I don’t think her DH has been forced to burn his boats - OP hasn’t asked him to cut his own contact with his family.

Even if that were the case, SIL could have still asked OP beforehand if she would have minded someone watching her daughter for the day before they flew over. It is not something you just tell someone, regardless if you are childfree or not.

Exactly!

They are having a holiday as well due to distance so presumably don't want to spend time getting baby used to the neighbour for the sake of a few hours!

I personally would be worried about leaving a baby with someone I didn’t know. However OP doesn’t say where this is happening. If the neighbour is going to the wedding too and is offering to watch baby , that’s an entirely different thing . As OP and her H would be constantly there .

In her own words OP doesn’t like her H family & even though they flew from Australia to visit their grandchild OP says she tolerated them for a few hours when after they returned to their hotel

The SIL asked OP to be her bridesmaid, has tried to build bridges . But OP has continued to be manipulative making everything about her .

I think we are hearing carefully selected highlights from an OP who delights in causing chaos.

Did they fly to uk to see you and baby and only spend two hours with you?

The entire thing sounds bizarre. I wouldn't leave baby but I wouldn't have gone and I'm surprised they even invited you if that's the amount of time they spent with you

You don’t arrange for childcare for someone else’s child without running it past them first,
especially someone they don’t know.

You don’t have someone travel across the world, without being crystal clear on what your plan is.

Most intelligent and genuine people would have suggested the babysitting idea, before the family even booked a plane ticket, let alone arrived in the country.

If you and DH are ok with it, stay and don't go to the wedding. If he kicks off, come home.

And you were right - they can fuck right off, separating mother and child.

Dont have time to read the full thread but can't help but feel we might not have the entire story here - sounds like there may have been a miscommunication rather than SIL being a total arse.

I've been to a few weddings that didn't want children so arranged for childcare either on or offsite for any younger babies that required it. Was this potentially what she meant all along but was misunderstood? You could have been talking at cross purposes.
Recognise if you didnt' know that then this would have a shock but please try not to entirely fall out with his family over it - it will just cause unneccessary friction for your DH so you can try to play nice from afar.

Agree with PP who suggested name where in Aus you are, plenty of us could have baby-friendly suggestions

No breastfed baby has to be breastfed from the breast though does it. Breastfed milk can be expressed and ready in bottles, to give to the baby.

What does being breastfed even have to do with anything. The mother doesn't have to be there to breastfeed the child. The baby can be given expressed breastmilk from a bottle for a day.

Wow, just wow!
What an ignorant couple of posts @Kjones27
You clearly know nothing about babies who are EBF.

Is anyone else on here beginning to think that the above poster is the SIL?

Another thing is everyone seems to be assuming the wedding venue is at a hotel where OP can park her child and babysitter in a room and pop up to visit/feed her in between proceedings. We don't know that's the case.

I disagree actually.

I've flown to Indonesia from ireland beforw .

Which is around the same flight time as UK to australia

I actually found it easier honestly than my trips to the UK.

As I slept a lot of the way and read a book the rest of the way.
And there weren't many changes.

And my hotel was near the airport when I arrived.

Ireland to uk I find harder honestly because there is such an amount of bus and train changes and waiting around for hours, and train delays in the UK. There always seems to be train delays /cancellations in the part of the UK that I go to, resulting in me sitting around in the cold for hours/ or rushing to find alternate transport.

Anyway the point is we all , everyone of us, make long journeys to see family.

I'm not ignorant. You are ignorant.

I have babysat toddlers and babies for a long time. I was also an au pair for young children for a year in Spain.

Breastfeeding mothers have gone out for a couple of hours, and have left me with expressed breastmilk in a bottle to give to the baby.

Are you saying that doesn't it happen? Of course it happens

Yes but as posters have pointed out - not ALL EBF babies take well to expressed milk in bottles. What part of that don’t you understand? OP herself said she’d need to get her DD used to a bottle.

and nobody will agree with you that travelling to Australia from the U.K. is essentially the same as flying from Ireland to the U.K.! Absolutely nobody. Especially with an 8 month old baby with you.

Are you seriously saying that women can't express breast milk , and put it in a bottle for someone else to give the baby?

Really? I mean that's strangely ignorant.

What do you think breast pumps are for?

My cousin pumps breast milk into a bottle and gets her partner to feed the baby at times.

Breastfeeding a baby does not mean that the baby has to be attached to your breast!