You're not the only mum who works full time...

[doyoulikeflowers]

Said my lovely, supportive husband today.

When I approached him about the fact that I feel like he makes me feel like I don't do enough housework / good enough housework.

I said in his tone, when he complains about the state of the house- I sense that he feels I'm the one who's falling short.

He didn't agree or disagree but told me I was once again nagging. I wasn't. I was just saying that I find it hard to keep up with everything.

I've barely slept an entire night for probably 3 - 4 weeks. My children have been unwell on and off for that time.

I've not been able to send them to nursery much either. This week, they were at home with me for 3 days whilst I tried to juggle work. Last week they were at home for 4 days. And on it goes.

My work is suffering hugely. I can't meet deadlines and I'm constantly under pressure.

Thankfully I work from home, but I'm not able to keep up.

I go to bed at 8 pm every night, as it's all so exhausting.

My H works in a demanding high pressure role and has no time off, no working from home time either. He leaves at 5:30 and comes back at 8:30 every day. He can't do much more to help around the house, because he's just not here.

However, I expect him to understand and not continuously complain about laundry not being done or not being able to find his clothes etc. or the general mess that children bring.

I loathe the weekends as we always end up having discussions and it's really getting me down. Unless I'm constantly clearing up and basically just shut up about it, he's not happy.

He's really upset me today by saying what he said. He always upsets me and then he says it's not a big deal and he didn't mean it. I feel like I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to make his life easier, but it doesn't work the other way. I think he thinks I'm just a bit rubbish.

Our kids are under 5. They go to nursery full time and I work full time from home. My job is pretty intense. It's all a lot. I'm a shell of former self.

Leave the twat. That is all

OP, he sounds awful, and actually quite cruel.
He’s manipulative, unkind and clearly thinks he’s superior to you.

Your self-esteem is on the floor, and can I ask? If your home was pristine and organised, would he be any different?
Or would he find other things to criticise and demean you for?

Honestly the amount of huge red flags is awful, there is a lot of emotional abuse going in my opinion, you need to leave. I think you’d manage fair better on your own with the children without the added man baby, if you left it might make him open his eyes a bit to everything you do when it’s his turn to have the kids.

I’m not usually one for saying leave him but in this circumstance it’s sounds like the only option for your mental health, however much you try not to argue in front of the children they’ll be picking up on the tension between the house so not being there would be healthier for everyone I think.

The sex comment is quite possibly the most repulsive thing and it speaks volumes about your husband. Get out or better yet seek legal advise and kick him out.

No! Don’t work less. Do not mage your job any more precarious than it is. You need to protect your own earning potential NOT make yourself financially vulnerable.

The simple truth is he’s being a selfish knob. You aren’t a 1950s little housewife at home all day greeting your husband at the door with his pipe and slippers. You both work full-time and are both equally responsible for the house and children. His work is not more valuable than yours. You aren’t the default skivvy. His need for relaxation doesn’t trump yours.

He either accepts standards will fall while the children are young or chips in with the household chores too. Next time he complains shove the mop up his selfish demanding ar*e

I realize I'm going to sound like an absolute asshole here and I don't mean to.

I work from home, self-employed. My partner works too. We have 3 kids under 5 and we cannot afford a cleaner, we manage to do it all, all by ourselves whilst working and looking after 3 kids under 5. 1 of my kids doesnt attend nursery and 2 of them only attend 2 days a week.

How messy is your house getting that you require a cleaner and cant keep ontop of it? And why is DH making out like he doesnt live there too? You BOTH should be contributing to household chores, not just one.

Who looks after your children and keeps your house clean while you're working?

@Sae3005

This isn't a simple case of having a lazy husband who isn't pulling his weight - it's a really quite a horrible situation of abuse. You probably need to read all of the OP's posts to get the actual picture.

Me. Unless its my partners day off.

Ill read through fully when I've got my kids to bed but if thats the case I hope she finds the strength to leave

How is your post helpful? To start with, you obviously don't work full time if your kids aren't in full time childcare. Secondly, as you yourself said, your husband contributes to the house. So yes you do sound like an asshole

All 3 children are home with you for 3 days a week so I'm confused - how can you look after 3 under 5s at the same time as working? How can you focus on your work or have meetings or calls? If you're concentrating on something important, how can you be interacting with and supervising 3 under 5s?

I run my own business. I'm a baker. So a good chunk of my day is spent staring at an oven.

I'm a baker, each cake on average takes 4-8 hrs a day dependant on baking times, so some days are slower but other days are not. But outside of the kitchen its documentation, social media, finance etc. So yes, I work FT thankyou.

What about the rest of the day? Presumably you have to create whatever goes in the oven and then box/wrap it and sell it and do your business admin.

How do you manage the cleaning and laundry and shopping while looking after 3 under 5s and running your own bakery business?

As I asked, on the days you have all the children home by yourself, who is looking after your 3 under 5s while you're doing your documentation, social media, finance etc?

I have no clue but I do. My kitchen backs into our garden so I can let them play out whilst I work which is helpful. Probably why my eye bags could carry your weekly food shop. I dont get to bed whilst 2am most days.

Social media etc i do when theyre in bed. The rest of the day unless my partner is home, is me.

Well that's not the same as a desk-based job with a boss to answer to and set hours, then, is it?

Did I say it was?

Then why on earth are you telling the OP she should be able to keep her house clean because you do when she is in a 6 figure salary desk job with meetings and you have a completely different type of role

Never mind missing the obvious signs of abuse in the OPs posts

Well, in posting that you can have a sparkly house while working so why can't the OP do it - yes, you did!

Respectfully this is weaponized incompetence. I haven't read much farther but to me, he sounds like he wants a babysitter, maid, cook etc not a wife.

He isn't going to change, you have a job and aren't 100% financially reliant on him, I personally would start thinking of leaving him and discreetly getting your affairs in order to do so.

If your very young children are unsupervised in the garden while you work and you have massive eye bags and don't get to bed until 2am most days, I fail to see how you can claim to "manage to do it all, all by ourselves whilst working and looking after 3 kids under 5".

I'm not trying to be unkind here but the OP has a job that appears to require her full attention and she's struggling with the workload, as most of us would on very little sleep while juggling sick children. Maybe you didn't mean to sound like you were crowing about how you can do it all without the help of a cleaner when in reality you're not managing it.

I think you took my context wrong. I didn't mean why can't she keep up with it, I meant how messy can it really be if she has a cleaner. I probably worded it poorly, my apologies.

They aren't unsupervised at all. My back door is in my kitchen and leads into my garden. I have it open and I also have a huge back window. Thats how we were always playing when we were younger.

I am managing, it gets done, does it not. If I didn't, I wouldnt be able to operate as a business nor afford to live. I am up to 2am most days but thats usually due to the fact I'm a part-time student with TheOpenUni. Needs must.