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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say no to childminding ....

117 replies

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 02/03/2024 19:18

I childmind my daughter's three children. It is two weeks since I've been because the last time I went her older child came out in chickenpox while I was there. I thought she was very quiet the day before she got it.

The last spot has dried and she wants me back on Tuesday. She's had to be working from home since chickenpox started. She has important meetings this week and has been told to go into work. But the twins look to be getting the first spots today. She's just asked if I can still come.

Can I pass this to others? I'm not bothered about myself but H is quite vulnerable health wise. I know I could have possibly passed this on since my last visit. I don't know how viruses work. I was just thinking about having two contacts in two weeks could be doubling the likelihood of passing some sort of viral load on.

Should I go and childmind? (Her MIL has refused contact with them this last two weeks.)

My daughter is getting married in two weeks and since this has cost us an arm and a leg I don't really want to risk either H or me being ill.

What do I do?

OP posts:

redfacebigdisgrace · 02/03/2024 19:20

I think with your daughter getting married I’d say no. Do you have a contract? How much do you need the job?

Didimum · 02/03/2024 19:20

Have you and your H had chickenpox? If so you can’t catch it from them.

Doveyouknow · 02/03/2024 19:21

If you have had chickenpox you will be immune. If not then you are at risk of catching it and need to keep your distance. If your DH is immuno compromised then, even if he has had it, he could be at risk.

Mmmm19 · 02/03/2024 19:21

Didimum · 02/03/2024 19:20

Have you and your H had chickenpox? If so you can’t catch it from them.

This! Unless as following poster said OH is severely immunoxompromised eg on chemotherapy

sprigatito · 02/03/2024 19:23

It's completely unreasonable to ask you to look after an infectious child, even without your DH's vulnerability. Unfortunate for your daughter, but she's the parent and the buck stops with her (and the children's father). Support from grandparents is lovely and very kind, but when something contagious strikes she shouldn't be expecting anyone else to put themselves at risk.

gemloving · 02/03/2024 19:24

I'm in awe when grandparents step up the way you do. I wouldn't ask anyone to come close when mine have chickenpox x

Sunnysal · 02/03/2024 19:25

You can get chickenpox twice! My dd did and it was definitely chickenpox.

Original poster

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 02/03/2024 19:35

I don't have a contract - it's nana rates. And I get her shopping while I'm there.

She doesn't work from home normally. She's just had to have two weeks off because of chickenpox and work around the children. It wouldn't enter her partner's head to stay home.

She feels like she's letting work down if she doesn't go in.

I'm don't think H is immunocompromised but I'm not sure if he is still vulnerable. He had his aortic arch replaced and frozen elephant trunk procedure to reinforce the rest of the aorta.

I look after my other three grandchildren on the other days. I get one day off a week (in theory, as my daughter's tend to arrange their appointments on my day off so they know I'm available).

Can I carry the virus and spread it to others? For example, can I bring the virus home and give it to H or my other grandchildren who haven't had it? (H had it in his early 40s, 20 years ago.)

If I pass it to my other grandchildren they could be infectious for the wedding. There are quite a few older generation going to the wedding.

OP posts:

Didimum · 02/03/2024 19:41

If you and your H have had it then you can’t catch it or spread it to others.

5foot5 · 02/03/2024 19:53

It wouldn't enter her partner's head to stay home.

Then somebody ought to put it there!!
Why on earth should you, the grandmother, be running herself ragged looking after his children while he behaves like it's none of his business.

I know this wasn't the point of your thread but it makes me so angry reading about men with this attitude and women just accepting it. FGS I am in my 60s but when I was a young woman I assumed these sort of out dated attitudes were on there way out and dinosaurs like this wouldn't exist in the next generation. Certainly DH never behaved like that. How depressing that some things just don't seem to change

XpelairHamPortal · 02/03/2024 20:03

OP I recognise you from previous threads. I say this with the best of intentions, you are running yourself ragged with all the demands your family are placing on you. Who is looking out for your interests and wellbeing? I suspected none of them. In my humble opinion, they need to start standing on their own feet a little, as difficult as that may be for them. And as for SIL and his "not occurring to him" to look after his own children...

Good luck, and please look after yourself

Treesnbirds · 02/03/2024 20:23

I think you are doing too much as it is, I really dislike the sound of them booking appointments for your day off.

Could you stop tonight and think honestly about how much childcare you ideally WANT to be doing each week, then, if it's less than you are currently doing, give them notice that in for example, 6 or 8 weeks time you will be able to offer xxx but you need more time to yourself / for other things/ to spend with your husband?

Please think of your needs. I would not ask anyone to look after my children when they are sick unless it was a very unusual situation, eg I was due an operation etc

Good luck ♥️

BloodyAdultDC · 02/03/2024 20:37

It wouldn't enter her partner's head to stay home.

SERIOUSLY?!? He needs to parent his dc and take some time off work to care for them - it should be 50/50 (many employers would absolutely expect parents to share dependents leave at times like this).

Yanbu to refuse to babysit op. Your (other?) daughter's wedding and your dh health are your priority - the kids have 2 parents AND another set of grandparents who aren't getting any grief for keeping away

Original poster

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 02/03/2024 20:42

It just spiralled - I stopped working to look after my oldest grandchild so mum could go back to work.

Now it's six grandchildren - between two daughters.

They both get two days a week.

I used to get one day off a fortnight - but I get double that now.

I do sleepovers every week also - it's my favourite day. Just three children. My older grandchild sleeps in my bed: we eat chocolate and we talk and laugh into the early hours. And when she falls to sleep I just love looking at her beautiful face. So peaceful and perfect.

I know this won't last forever.

OP posts:

NowYouSee · 02/03/2024 20:43

Time for the father to start doing some parenting.

ttcat37 · 02/03/2024 21:18

You can get chickenpox twice. I have had it twice, once as a young child and once as a young adult. It’s on my medical record and I have the scars to prove it both times! Absolutely don’t risk it. The second time was absolutely horrific.

ISeeTheLight · 02/03/2024 21:25

When I was pregnant my husband's colleague got chicken pox. They tested me and I wasn't immune (my mum also didn't remember me ever having it). My husband also hadn't ever had it so we were told by the GP he had to stay home from work, as if he caught it he could pass it to me.
However if he had had it he wouldn't have been able to pass it to me.

In short, if you've had it you can't pass it on to your husband.

Freshstarts249 · 02/03/2024 21:31

You sound amazing and your grandchild must absolutely adore you.

Mikki77 · 02/03/2024 21:32

You can get chicken pox twice and worse still you can get shingles. She should not have asked for your help and you should not go.

Member984815 · 02/03/2024 21:36

You can get chicken pox more than once , I'd also worry about shingles .

Wode · 02/03/2024 21:40

Dh had chicken pox twice once as a child and he was absolutely covered in them, my MIL kept a meticulous diary.

The second time was after we looked after my nephew who we knew had chicken pox but assumed we would be fine, and Dh had them again, all over, painfully, on his eyelids, ballsack, everywhere.

I would not baby sit, too much at risk with the wedding.

MzHz · 02/03/2024 21:46

I caught CP from a colleague whose kids had it. If you’ve had it, you can carry it.

don’t listen to anyone who says you can’t catch it from a 3rd party

if your h is at risk, just give it a bit longer and her DP needs to pull his weight.

Original poster

MyOtherCarIsAPorsche · 02/03/2024 22:18

I still don't know what to say to her.

I can't ask H what he thinks until Monday because he's on the stag (long) weekend. He's been gone three nights and when he gets back tomorrow he'll be worse for wear.

But H is always complaining that the grandchildren keep giving him bugs/making him ill.

She needs to arrange her week before that really.

H took to his bed when he got chickenpox - he was bad and thought he was dying. I had to get the GP to do a home visit. We had it as adults - neither of us had had it as children.

It's just really bad timing with the wedding coming up.

As an aside ....

For those who saw my wedding thread - we gave my daughter and her partner a lump sum for the cost of the wedding, which has since been topped up.

The groom generously decided that he would pay for all the groom's men's ushers', fathers' suits and shoes. His father decided he didn't want the shoes that all the others had. He picked a pair which were treble the price. H is saying that he's going to tread on the groom's father's shoes as often as he can, seeing how it's him who has paid for them. The groom's father thinks the groom has paid for them 🤣

OP posts:

CarrotOfPeace · 02/03/2024 22:21

Say no sorry can the kids dad not help.

She will be letting work down if she has another two weeks wfh while there is another adult who is presumably capable of doing their share

Kitkatfiend31 · 02/03/2024 22:45

Why don't you tell her you def can't have them Monday as will need to check with the doctor about your DH. And then only will if doc and DH are OK with it. Suggest her H has them. What happens to the kids on the days you don't have them?

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