To say no to childminding ....

[MyOtherCarIsAPorsche]

I childmind my daughter's three children. It is two weeks since I've been because the last time I went her older child came out in chickenpox while I was there. I thought she was very quiet the day before she got it.

The last spot has dried and she wants me back on Tuesday. She's had to be working from home since chickenpox started. She has important meetings this week and has been told to go into work. But the twins look to be getting the first spots today. She's just asked if I can still come.

Can I pass this to others? I'm not bothered about myself but H is quite vulnerable health wise. I know I could have possibly passed this on since my last visit. I don't know how viruses work. I was just thinking about having two contacts in two weeks could be doubling the likelihood of passing some sort of viral load on.

Should I go and childmind? (Her MIL has refused contact with them this last two weeks.)

My daughter is getting married in two weeks and since this has cost us an arm and a leg I don't really want to risk either H or me being ill.

What do I do?

The husband works in a school and will just gave to take time off work to look after his kids like every other teacher or head.

Your husband has had it so can’t be reinfected. If you do look after her kids look after them in daughters home so that you can strip off, shower, wash clothes on return. Bleach any touch points - door handles or whatever.

If you've had it there's no risk of you picking it up and giving it to others. If your daughter has to take another 2 weeks off work she may well be putting her job at risk, potentially 4 weeks off for chicken pox may well invoke at least a warning.

He works in a school and earns considerably more than my daughter tough shit.

If I were your daughter's employer I would expect sickness to be dealt with 50/50. While I can't enforce it that excuse wouldn't wash with me.

Not true. You can still catch it again and it’s much worse as an adult

I work in a school, everyone (including SLT) can take time off as careers leave.

I think you sound like a wonderful grandparent OP.

You are right, this phase won’t last forever but your bond with your daughters and grandchildren will.

however, I think you have to go with your gut on this. If it for whatever reason is making you feel uncomfortable, then I think in this instance you need to say no.

If you’ve both had it you’re fine, you won’t get it. But I don’t care how important and hard to take time off from your son in laws job in a school is, women teachers stay home with kids with chickenpox and men are parents too. He needs to step up.

from the sounds of it, they all work and should be putting your GC in nursery, not taking so much of your retirement time.

We can all empathise with how difficult and limiting it can feel as parents to be unable to sort childcare. But it's not helpful to them, they should be leaning on their partners/husbands to pitch in on sick days.

I do think your DH is vulnerable and you should err on the side of caution and stay home.

Maybe for spring you can reduce your days to one per family and spend some time relaxing ALONE at home with DH.

Working in a school does NOT mean you can't take time off if your child is ill. It's called Dependents Leave- it's usually paid for the first day and unpaid after that, but it still has to be granted. How does he think teachers who are single parents cope? Or families where both parents are teachers?

Another who thinks you’re doing too much, you must be exhausted. Tbh your daughters sound very selfish if they then book additional appointments on your ‘day off’.

Nah I wouldn't go and look after someone's highly contagious kids. You can get CP twice.

I also wouldn't dream of expecting anyone to look after my contagious kids either.

I also agree you're doing too much. They're taking the piss. And also booking appointments on your days off is absolutely disgraceful.

I'd drop it to one day a week per family after the Easter hols.

That’s very rare. Mothers, fathers and childcare professionals constantly care for children both in the incubation stage and full-blown stage, and very rarely are reinfected.

I would love to - this one is buggered. I also love to grow a new hip and knee. Oh and while I'm busy cultivating all this - a couple of big toe joints to replace the arthritic ones.

My day off is tomorrow and I have to conserve myself somehow despite having 1001 things to do.

I'm doing Sunday lunch for 8 today. I'll be having to lean on the worktops to take the weight off the bottom of my back.

I spent most of the early hours finishing off this and now I need to go to Duttons tomorrow.

OP, I work in a school and I still share the days off for the children with DP although I do fewer (I'm part time so that covers some). It's absolutely nonsense that your son in law can't take time off. Most parents working in schools have to take time off sometimes.

If I were you, I would say that you can't until their spots have scabbed over. And rethink how much you are doing: it sounds like too much for you.

Absolutely! If it was the mother who worked in the school she would take time off. It's clearly a hassle to be off, but can and should be shared between the parents. There's no way the dh doesn't know that other staff around him are off sometimes with sick children.

You must slow down! Tell your children that your doctor has told you to. Let them cook for 8 or everyone can go out. Please draw a line for your own sake. A family member who has health issues was always helping others. She died at 68. You must put you first as no one else will. They could pay a childminder for 2 days care a week or a nursery then only rely on family for 2 days. With also having some other back up childcare available. You are not responsible for them having twins. Please put yourself first.

But WHY are you doing Sunday lunch for 8?

I understand the childcare because the cost is right now so prohibitive and you are seriously helping your daughters.

I understand doing it for both because fairness.

I understand the sleepovers because it brings you great joy - sounds amazing.

But you don't need to give your son in laws father money for expensive wedding shoes.

You don't need to give anyone money for weddings at all.

You don't need to cook lunch for eight.

You don't need to knit the most complicated things ever unless specifically it is bringing you joy.

And you don't need to agree to do anything on your day off. Make your own appointments!

You sound like a dream grandma, a kind and generous mum, but you must realise that there is no martyr's prize and you need better boundaries!

kiwiane · Yesterday 22:49
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If you’ve had chicken pox before then I would go and help out”

Have you actually read OP’s posts?

Time for this to stop. You need to start prioritising yourself.

I still don't know what to say to her.

You say no, I’m not able to help out this week, you’ll need to make other arrangements. What those arrangements are is none of your business - she’s an adult and will need to work it out with their dad.

What’s the significance of the jumper, have I missed it?

The jumper is beautiful. Respectfully, do you always overload yourself and struggle to say no? Cancel lunch if you need time out.

I'm between a rock and a hard place.

My other daughter's (DD1) son was ill last week and I looked after him.

DD2 expects the same for the twins this week.

The wedding (DD2) is next week.

So I'll go and I will have to stop bothering who I spread viruses to - they just go round don't they?

Just bending over backwards to get it finished for someone. Was up most of night - to get another job out of the way.

I don't think you could spread the virus unless you contracted chickenpox yourself - or carried bits of their pox from their skin onto someone else which basic hygiene would avoid.
But I do think you need to draw a like in the sand for yourself and claw back your own life.
I would not want to leave my dd in the lurch but it's actually her dh who is doing that, they are his kids and he should help mind them.