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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should she have waited to see I got home safe?

133 replies

JourneyHomee · 02/03/2024 11:03

I went out on a date last night, it went extremely well, and I got the last train home. There were lots of stops and issues and delays, and I only got home 3 hours after I left my date.

She asked me to let her know I got home safely. I texted to say I got home but received no response.

Finally got a reply in the morning, she said she was waiting but kept falling asleep but didn’t allow herself to sleep until she saw my message.

She responded this morning with a “like heart” on my message from last night.

I had travelled a long distance to see her, and paid for our date because I wanted to and was happy to do so.

Now I’m feeling a little bit off about it all. Am I being unreasonable to not take her seriously in future?

We are both women, by the way.

OP posts:
Original poster
JourneyHomee · 02/03/2024 11:17

I knew she got home safe because we were texting during the first part of my journey. She arrived home minutes after I left.

I wouldn’t have expected her to stay up, only she insisted I must let her know.

And I think the bit I’m unsure about is her saying this morning that she DID stay up. If so, surely the “like heart” would have happened then?

I live in a bit of a rough neighbourhood, and I don’t usually stay out late.

If the shoe we’re on the other foot, I would have been concerned not to have heard from her… I may have fallen asleep, but I wouldn’t claim I hadn’t the next day.

OP posts:
Seeline · 02/03/2024 11:19

What time did you get home?

Original poster
JourneyHomee · 02/03/2024 11:20

Seeline · 02/03/2024 11:19

What time did you get home?

2:30am

OP posts:
Lateliein · 02/03/2024 11:21

Get over yourself.

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 02/03/2024 11:21

I always think these “are you home safe” texts are pointless. It took you 3 hours- that’s a long time to wait. Anything could’ve happened to you in that time (or any length of time).

What if something has happened? What’s the other person doing?! Ringing the police to say I haven’t received an “I’m home safe” text?

easilydistracted1 · 02/03/2024 11:22

I think you're being a bit high maintenance tbh. I'm assuming that you had someone else to make sure that you were home safe given you were in a date with a stranger. If not did you task her with emergency contact details so she could do something if you didn't get home safely. As that feels a bit much for a first date. She should have been so exhausted she literally wiped out as soon as she saw. It sounds like you're both keen on eachother and this isn't a red flag. Id just expect her to do the travelling next time. How far are you apart normally? As you don't sound super cut out for a long distance relationship

helpfulperson · 02/03/2024 11:23

DuploTrain · 02/03/2024 11:09

Because a man is much more likely to get home safely… obviously.

Show quote history

Actually men are more likely to get attacked, just less likely to be sexually assaulted or raped.Women and the Criminal Justice System 2021 - GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)

Women and the Criminal Justice System 2021

https://www.gov.uk/government/statistics/women-and-the-criminal-justice-system-2021/women-and-the-criminal-justice-system-2021

Ponoka7 · 02/03/2024 11:23

Tbh unless you live exceptionally rural, sack off the distance relationships. There's always going to be this angst and building resent about travelling. I don't think that dhe should have had to wait up. You're an adult.

User373433 · 02/03/2024 11:24

OP, it something everyone says when leaving friends etc 'message me to let me know you got home' but not everyone follows up on. They sometimes forget, especially if they've had a drink. Occasionally I will chase a message up from someone or their relative/partner etc if I think they were particularly vulnerable or usually message me when home, but with someone I had just met on a date I might not as I wouldn't want to disturb you if you've just fallen asleep and I wouldn't have any other numbers to check up on you.

I don't think I'd ever expect someone to wait up for 3 hours for my message. If you were so anxious, you should have asked her to stay on the phone to you. That would have kept her awake.

JJathome · 02/03/2024 11:24

JourneyHomee · 02/03/2024 11:17

I knew she got home safe because we were texting during the first part of my journey. She arrived home minutes after I left.

I wouldn’t have expected her to stay up, only she insisted I must let her know.

And I think the bit I’m unsure about is her saying this morning that she DID stay up. If so, surely the “like heart” would have happened then?

I live in a bit of a rough neighbourhood, and I don’t usually stay out late.

If the shoe we’re on the other foot, I would have been concerned not to have heard from her… I may have fallen asleep, but I wouldn’t claim I hadn’t the next day.

You did let her know. She got the text. Expecting her to stay up to check is what a parent does. Or a spouse. Not someone you barely know.

how do you not know your behaviour is not ok?

DevaleraSpawnOfSatan · 02/03/2024 11:24

How long should your journey have taken ?

When she asked, she was probably making a reasonable offer.

Your expectations of three hours are unreasonable.

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 02/03/2024 11:24

“I may have fallen asleep, but I wouldn’t claim I hadn’t the next day.”

Yes, that’s the crux. She lied, so you feel uneasy.

Zanatdy · 02/03/2024 11:25

I think it’s a bit unfair expecting her to stay up, when she asked you to let her know she probably wasn’t as tired as 3hrs later. Her saying she was awake and she wasn’t, that’s odd. But maybe she did wake up, see the message, go back to sleep. A relationship is going to be difficult if you’re 3hrs away, I’d throw that one back in

JJathome · 02/03/2024 11:25

I don't think I'd ever expect someone to wait up for 3 hours for my message. If you were so anxious, you should have asked her to stay on the phone to you

well no that wouldn’t have been ok. But she could have asked a friend or family member, that is not what you ask a first date to do.

and if she’s so anxious she shouldn’t be out late at night.

nadine90 · 02/03/2024 11:25

It’s pretty hard to stay awake until that time if you’re sleepy. I’m guessing she saw the message a while after you sent it and thought it was too late to text in case it woke you up. I wouldn’t text someone in the early hours of the morning either. Sorry op, you’re being a bit silly about this x

JJathome · 02/03/2024 11:26

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 02/03/2024 11:24

“I may have fallen asleep, but I wouldn’t claim I hadn’t the next day.”

Yes, that’s the crux. She lied, so you feel uneasy.

You don’t know that. Some of these responses are so bloody weird. She says she didn’t sleep properly but kept dropping off. Likely true. So possibly saw it later and thought too late to text.

User373433 · 02/03/2024 11:27

Well she might not have lied. She may have fallen asleep and everyone she stirred she checked her phone. If she was half asleep she may have just seen your message but not been awake enough to reply, but then slept more soundly. What was your message to her that made her feel like she had to say this? 'sorry to keep you waiting so long, I finally made it home?' Or something like that?

icallitasplodge · 02/03/2024 11:27

Nah you often read a message half asleep and then don’t respond till the morning. Calm down OP

Original poster
JourneyHomee · 02/03/2024 11:28

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 02/03/2024 11:24

“I may have fallen asleep, but I wouldn’t claim I hadn’t the next day.”

Yes, that’s the crux. She lied, so you feel uneasy.

This is exactly what I’m talking about.

It’s not unusual to fall asleep and that’s absolutely fine.

OP posts:
MintTwirl · 02/03/2024 11:29

so she was dozing on and off, saw a message to say you were home while half asleep and then let herself go to sleep fully. YABU you can’t expect someone who you aren’t even in a relationship with to be waiting up until 2.30am for you to message, I wouldn’t even ask my DH to do that.

IncompleteSenten · 02/03/2024 11:30

She says she intended to stay awake but kept nodding off. That's perfectly normal at that time of night.
Maybe she did see your message then immediately zonked out and replied later.
Or maybe she fell asleep and didn't wake up until the morning and she felt guilty and lied.

JJathome · 02/03/2024 11:30

JourneyHomee · 02/03/2024 11:28

This is exactly what I’m talking about.

It’s not unusual to fall asleep and that’s absolutely fine.

Show quote history

How odd.

look just end this if you think she’s lying and should have stayed up, find someone who can fullfill this level of neediness,

my daughter got him at 2.15 last night, I woke up and saw the message as it beeped , fell back asleep , and texted her this morning, it’s normal

but if you don’t like her and think she’s a liar and after one date she has to stay up for you like this end it and date your neighbour.

TiIIyM · 02/03/2024 11:31

I dont think you can punish her for falling asleep, but she clearly only seen your message this morning.

MintTwirl · 02/03/2024 11:31

icallitasplodge · 02/03/2024 11:27

Nah you often read a message half asleep and then don’t respond till the morning. Calm down OP

Absolutely this! My DH used to work nights and would sometimes message me late, I would often see it and then fall asleep without responding.

Meadowfinch · 02/03/2024 11:32

She's a new friend, not your dad. And I assume you aren't 15. You are perfectly capable of getting yourself home without depriving someone else of sleep.