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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed he never prioritises me (or child)

108 replies

Tulipsareout · 01/03/2024 22:48

I won't go into too much back story as what I'm asking today will got lost in the midst of everything else.

Basically when it's our DS's birthday we always his party on the Saturday closest to his birthday (party is family and a few friends over our house- I do all planning, cooking, cake etc). His birthday is end of April, today I said to my partner we will have to invite some school friends and he turns around and says that we can't have his party on the Saturday as he's going out drinking. I said I couldn't believe he'd booked to go out drinking on the day we'd be having DS's party. He said HE never does parties at the weekend, always on the day of birthday. Which is a complete lie. His night out isn't just Saturday night out then home or it wouldn't be be issue. He wants to go to his dad's house and stay there Saturday and most of Sunday as hell be hungover/he can't manage to get up or out of the house before 2pm.
He told me I'm a bitch and I'm trying to ruin his night out. I said that he's planning on going on a weekend piss up knowing we'd have had our son's birthday party (it's 2 days before his birthday which is on a school day). He know when our son's birthday is, he didn't even clarify dates or ask what we were upto. He's the most selfish person I know and it's always about him. He literally made plans not giving a shit about anyone else.

He's now saying we can have his party the following weekend. Which in some ways I understand and maybe I'm unreasonable but I don't see why I should not have his party on the weekend closest to his birthday so he can go out drinking for a weekend (and assuming I'm looking after our child the weekend without even mentioning it). I've said that as a compromise we can have his party the Sunday but he'll need to come home to our house after his night out because Sunday morning I need to do all the party food, sort cake etc. Apparently no, it's not good enough. He's told me I'm a bitch and selfish and he won't be coming back that weekend at all.

Oh and this is what he does. 2 weeks ago he went off to stay in the same family members house to watch rugby. He could just come home (it's 40 mins from where he's going out) but he told me he was going fri-Sun evening. I asked if he was planning to see our child at all that weekend and he said if I wanted him to have DS I'd have to drive him there but only after Saturday as he has plans! He doesnt even discuss, ask etc. I was unwell the weekend and he buggers off for 3 days to stay elsewhere whilst I'm looking after his child.

OP posts:
Tulipsareout · 01/03/2024 22:54

I think the issue is obviously a wider one. I also obviously do everything in the house and he regularly stays away a night or 2 to go out.
I'm up with our child every day despite him working less hours (although he does take him to school as I work earlier than him).
If I ask him to get up with DS so I can have a lie in he tells me I'm younger than him, so I shouldn't need a lie in. Obviously something is wrong with me and I need to go to the Dr if I need (so much??) Sleep.

He also complains if our son wakes too early. This week he's been up at 7.30 (usually wakes at 8) and partner keeps moaning at son saying he doesn't like him getting up early. I said it's not that early and he's been up at 7.30 all week and partner said to me "just because something has happened several times, it doesn't make it right. That's your answer to everything. It's a shit reason"- I've no idea what he was on about.

He said today to DS that he's exhausted and only had 5 hours sleep because he had woken him up early (yet he was playing Xbox until 2am and knew our son would be up at around 7.30). When I point out he was on Xbox until 2am, he aske why I'm I such a horrible, angry person.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 01/03/2024 22:55

Just have the party as planned without your partner. DH loathed kiddies parties and used to hide away in his office.

Long term I would be looking at why you stay with this poor excuse of your child's father.

2907fe9166a247bb9f7 · 01/03/2024 22:56

Why are you with this man?

Just leave him. He’s clearly a asshole and being alone would be easier.

Tulipsareout · 01/03/2024 22:58

@RampantIvy I've said I'd have the party without him. I said if he wants to go out, that's fine but I'm still doing the party. Again, told me I'm a bitch. He wouldn't allow that because he knows he'd look bad to his family.
He's basically just said his party will be on "x" date and that's what's happening. He doesn't even have to do anything for the party!

OP posts:
yellowcone · 01/03/2024 22:58

I would tell him to go away for the weekend for his night out and don’t bother coming back …ever .

2907fe9166a247bb9f7 · 01/03/2024 22:58

When I point out he was on Xbox until 2am, he aske why I'm I such a horrible, angry person

Should have said because you are a useless piece of shit and having you in my life is ruining it.

2907fe9166a247bb9f7 · 01/03/2024 22:58

Tulipsareout · 01/03/2024 22:58

@RampantIvy I've said I'd have the party without him. I said if he wants to go out, that's fine but I'm still doing the party. Again, told me I'm a bitch. He wouldn't allow that because he knows he'd look bad to his family.
He's basically just said his party will be on "x" date and that's what's happening. He doesn't even have to do anything for the party!

Just tell him no.
Its X date and there’s nothing he can do as he won’t be here … by his own choice.

JennyForeigner · 01/03/2024 22:59

Oh god, put him in the sea. Useless selfish lump of a man, what's the point of trying to build a family with a man who will teach your child to run and run after him and always be rejected?

Tulipsareout · 01/03/2024 23:09

But am I unreasonable for not just doing the party a week after? If there was a genuine reason I'd understand. However I'm hurt that he knows that weekend is 2 days before our son's birthday and has planned to be somewhere else the weekend without mentioning it to me.

OP posts:
2907fe9166a247bb9f7 · 01/03/2024 23:11

Tulipsareout · 01/03/2024 23:09

But am I unreasonable for not just doing the party a week after? If there was a genuine reason I'd understand. However I'm hurt that he knows that weekend is 2 days before our son's birthday and has planned to be somewhere else the weekend without mentioning it to me.

Why are you even second guessing yourself?

He knows the party is the closest weekend. He could of arranged his night out around his child birthday.

As for fucking off for whole weekends at a time too…. Why are you putting up with that as well?

Foxblue · 01/03/2024 23:11

You are not unreasonable about the party. You would be unreasonable to stay with this absolute waste of space.

TwylaSands · 01/03/2024 23:14

He's the most selfish person I know
why are you with him? Genuinely? He is selfish, aggressive, abusive, lazy and angry.

why are you choosing this life for you and your child?

DeeCeeCherry · 01/03/2024 23:15

Tell him not to bother to come back. & mean it. He's an absolute pig. Speaks to you disrespectfully, doesn’t care about his son. & his family are trash. If any of my brothers dared to lounge at my parents house after weekend binge drinking they'd be told to piss off out of it and go home take care of their family. You'll be better off without him, less mess and stress. Asking whether its unreasonable to have the party following week is not the point - the issue is your gross husband. Put your son 1st have the party on his birthday weekend.

jannier · 01/03/2024 23:18

Tulipsareout · 01/03/2024 23:09

But am I unreasonable for not just doing the party a week after? If there was a genuine reason I'd understand. However I'm hurt that he knows that weekend is 2 days before our son's birthday and has planned to be somewhere else the weekend without mentioning it to me.

Typical abuser has convinced you it's you and your son is going to learn that this is what a man is .....what do you get from this relationship with a lazy arse

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 01/03/2024 23:20

You are unreasonable for ignoring the bigger picture and staying with this wanker.

It will affect your child in the long run.

Why are you with him?

Codlingmoths · 01/03/2024 23:23

You are very unreasonable for letting him around and in your life at all. Have the party. Stop talking to him about it, he has zero right to tell you when a party he does absolutely nothing for is, you prep the party for when you want it and invite people. Use the party to tell everyone you’ve separated and he will probably never see his child again as he gives zero shits about him. Ask him not to come back. Call the police if he kicks off. Start your much better life.

Beezknees · 01/03/2024 23:23

So why are you still with him?

These threads about useless men pop up DAILY on this site. I'm beyond baffled as to why women continue to put up with this crap. Just bloody leave. I did.

Beezknees · 01/03/2024 23:25

You're doing your child a disservice by staying with this useless father by the way.

PaminaMozart · 01/03/2024 23:28

Surely you must be aware that you are fiddling while Rome burns?

What's the back story? Why are you with this useless man?

Natty13 · 01/03/2024 23:30

Oh come on you surely must realise this man is no good. What an absolute pig. You deserve 100x better.

Sobersally · 01/03/2024 23:32

Oh gosh he sounds such an awful person

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 01/03/2024 23:34

Are you actually married to this man child ?

If so, WHY ?

Mumsanetta · 01/03/2024 23:35

Tulipsareout · 01/03/2024 22:58

@RampantIvy I've said I'd have the party without him. I said if he wants to go out, that's fine but I'm still doing the party. Again, told me I'm a bitch. He wouldn't allow that because he knows he'd look bad to his family.
He's basically just said his party will be on "x" date and that's what's happening. He doesn't even have to do anything for the party!

Er, who died and made him the boss of you? Why does he get to tell you what’s happening? Buck up woman!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/03/2024 23:38

Irrespective of who was right or wrong in an argument, I wouldn't stay with someone who called me a bitch.

Why are you staying? He sounds genuinely a horrible selfish lazy man

RobertaFirmino · 01/03/2024 23:40

Are you certain he's staying with his Dad? Do you have any proof?