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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed he never prioritises me (or child)

108 replies

Tulipsareout · 01/03/2024 22:48

I won't go into too much back story as what I'm asking today will got lost in the midst of everything else.

Basically when it's our DS's birthday we always his party on the Saturday closest to his birthday (party is family and a few friends over our house- I do all planning, cooking, cake etc). His birthday is end of April, today I said to my partner we will have to invite some school friends and he turns around and says that we can't have his party on the Saturday as he's going out drinking. I said I couldn't believe he'd booked to go out drinking on the day we'd be having DS's party. He said HE never does parties at the weekend, always on the day of birthday. Which is a complete lie. His night out isn't just Saturday night out then home or it wouldn't be be issue. He wants to go to his dad's house and stay there Saturday and most of Sunday as hell be hungover/he can't manage to get up or out of the house before 2pm.
He told me I'm a bitch and I'm trying to ruin his night out. I said that he's planning on going on a weekend piss up knowing we'd have had our son's birthday party (it's 2 days before his birthday which is on a school day). He know when our son's birthday is, he didn't even clarify dates or ask what we were upto. He's the most selfish person I know and it's always about him. He literally made plans not giving a shit about anyone else.

He's now saying we can have his party the following weekend. Which in some ways I understand and maybe I'm unreasonable but I don't see why I should not have his party on the weekend closest to his birthday so he can go out drinking for a weekend (and assuming I'm looking after our child the weekend without even mentioning it). I've said that as a compromise we can have his party the Sunday but he'll need to come home to our house after his night out because Sunday morning I need to do all the party food, sort cake etc. Apparently no, it's not good enough. He's told me I'm a bitch and selfish and he won't be coming back that weekend at all.

Oh and this is what he does. 2 weeks ago he went off to stay in the same family members house to watch rugby. He could just come home (it's 40 mins from where he's going out) but he told me he was going fri-Sun evening. I asked if he was planning to see our child at all that weekend and he said if I wanted him to have DS I'd have to drive him there but only after Saturday as he has plans! He doesnt even discuss, ask etc. I was unwell the weekend and he buggers off for 3 days to stay elsewhere whilst I'm looking after his child.

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 01/03/2024 23:44

TwylaSands · 01/03/2024 23:14

He's the most selfish person I know
why are you with him? Genuinely? He is selfish, aggressive, abusive, lazy and angry.

why are you choosing this life for you and your child?

This. Really good question. You shouldn't put up with this shit OP

Original poster
Tulipsareout · 01/03/2024 23:45

Ok, thank you for the replies. I know that I'm generally not the unreasonable one because his behaviour is so shocking. Howeve this time I did genuinely wonder if I was being obstructive by not just having his party a week later.
I've had paragraphs of messages off him that I've not even read. He doesn't think there is an issue with him just buggering off when he feels like it. I'm generally at rock bottom but today has really upset me. I think because it's not about me, but our son and he doesn't seem to think he should have prioritised him.
I had a minor car crash a few days ago. I've terrible neck and shoulder pain and haven't slept for 3 days. So I've asked him which day is he getting up with DS! Tomorrow or Sunday. He's just text saying Sunday (he's is the pub) but I dread asking him. I also hate him going on constantly to.our son that it's his fault he's tired. He's never in bed before 1am. It's not even as if DS can tell the time and 7.30 isn't early. I think he acts like an arse so he gets out of things. I can't have a proper lie in because I'm stressed about what he's saying to our son. Hes only 4 and he sticks him on Xbox for hours, or has him watch whilst he has Xbox!

OP posts:
RawBloomers · 01/03/2024 23:45

On the one off issue, I think you;d be being unreasonable not to just have it on the weekend after if he’s already booked something up. I think parents should talk about commitments before they make them, but always sticking to the closest Saturday just because is a shit reason to stop one of you doing something you want.

However, it’s clear the really unreasonable thing here is that you’re still together. He sounds horrendous. Nasty and lazy and with no concern for you (and probably his son). In this sort of situation the reasonableness of him booking up the Saturday closest to your DS’s birthday changes because nothing is reasonable, is it? He isn’t pulling his weight so there’s no way for him to be reasonable.

TwylaSands · 01/03/2024 23:47

I'm generally at rock bottom but today has really upset me.
then you've nothing to lose. Leave him.

Original poster
Tulipsareout · 01/03/2024 23:49

@RawBloomers see this is what I was wondering, should I have just had his party a week after. It's more the face he's completely booked up the weekend when we would have had his party or at least done something for his birthday, plus he's not discussed or mentioned it to me, he also planned a night out knowing it's our son's birthday, it's not just a night out then home- it'll be him away the whole weekend for a few hours of drinking. It's the way he's told me he's doing it and I'm a bitch for ruining his night out and the whole dictatorship of "we are doing his party on X day instead" (when he does nothing to help. I do all the planning, food, cake etc).

OP posts:
Original poster
Tulipsareout · 01/03/2024 23:51

If his birthday weekend clashes with something important then fine. However he knowing chose a day that every year we would have our son's party and is going for.the full weekend.

OP posts:
TwylaSands · 01/03/2024 23:51

He is calling you a bitch for daring to call out his selfishness. And youve not left him. That isnt your line in the sand.

when he escalates and hit you, is that your line in the sand? Because by that time you will be so worn down it probably wont be

Northernsouloldies · 01/03/2024 23:52

So he gets to live the single life at wkends, gaming till two in the morning,can organise nights out etc but can do next to fuck all for you or his child.. he's not bringing much to the table is he.

Original poster
Tulipsareout · 01/03/2024 23:53

RobertaFirmino · 01/03/2024 23:40

Are you certain he's staying with his Dad? Do you have any proof?

He's definitely there but his dad isn't. So I've no idea what he really gets upto. He's cheated in the past...had sex with women in the bed I sleep in with our child when we stay at his dad's. So yes, I probably have other reasons for being annoyed.he disappears there at least every other weekend.
He says it's because I made him move away from his friends. I didn't make him.theae friends live 25 mins from his dad's and 35 mins from our house.

OP posts:
Northernsouloldies · 01/03/2024 23:55

Annoyed!!!! You should be fucking raging.

Original poster
Tulipsareout · 01/03/2024 23:56

TwylaSands · 01/03/2024 23:51

He is calling you a bitch for daring to call out his selfishness. And youve not left him. That isnt your line in the sand.

when he escalates and hit you, is that your line in the sand? Because by that time you will be so worn down it probably wont be

Oh I've been called much worse than a bitch and it's a regular occurrence. Part of me is desensitized to be honest. He's also told me he wants to punch me in the face. He's pushed me around a bit too but only once and it was last year. I tend to just keep quiet and avoid conflict.
However I can't call out his behaviour ever (even in the nicest way possible of trying to raise an issue) because he ignores and verbally attacks me. We can't discuss anything. I just have to walk away.

OP posts:
TwylaSands · 01/03/2024 23:57

Tulipsareout · 01/03/2024 23:56

Oh I've been called much worse than a bitch and it's a regular occurrence. Part of me is desensitized to be honest. He's also told me he wants to punch me in the face. He's pushed me around a bit too but only once and it was last year. I tend to just keep quiet and avoid conflict.
However I can't call out his behaviour ever (even in the nicest way possible of trying to raise an issue) because he ignores and verbally attacks me. We can't discuss anything. I just have to walk away.

Edited
Show quote history

Then why are you still with him?

what do you think your child gains from growing up watching his dad abuse his mum?

Original poster
Tulipsareout · 01/03/2024 23:58

Northernsouloldies · 01/03/2024 23:52

So he gets to live the single life at wkends, gaming till two in the morning,can organise nights out etc but can do next to fuck all for you or his child.. he's not bringing much to the table is he.

He has a higher hourly wage (despite working less than me) and therefore says I should be grateful, stop complaining or he will leave me, as he can't put up with someone so crazy anymore.

OP posts:
Mumsanetta · 01/03/2024 23:59

You don’t seem that bothered about his behaviour @Tulipsareout, what’s going on here?

Original poster
Tulipsareout · 02/03/2024 00:00

@Mumsanetta I don't know how I feel about anything anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tulipsareout · 02/03/2024 00:01

He's just in from the pub and now cooking his steak that I bought us for dinner. No doubt up all night then in bed until lunchtime 🤦 I wish I had family closer.

OP posts:
Northernsouloldies · 02/03/2024 00:02

I'm sorry you're in such a predicament, when I said not bringing much to the table I didn't mean in monetary terms and somethings you can't buy off with money such as love and respect and unfortunately you are getting neither.i really hope you can find a way out.you and your child deserve better in life.

TwylaSands · 02/03/2024 00:02

Tulipsareout · 02/03/2024 00:01

He's just in from the pub and now cooking his steak that I bought us for dinner. No doubt up all night then in bed until lunchtime 🤦 I wish I had family closer.

Why? Why do they need to be closer? Move to them.

Raspberrymoon49 · 02/03/2024 00:06

He’s abusive OP, you need to split

Original poster
Tulipsareout · 02/03/2024 00:07

I can't really due to school, work etc. I'm a bit stuck at the moment but I'm struggling so, so much.

OP posts:
PaminaMozart · 02/03/2024 00:07

Just in case any of this is real....

What do you think this family dynamic is doing to your child?

Several posters have asked you why you are staying with this horrible, useless person.

If you tell us why, we might be able to suggest ways of extracting yourself from this mess and start living.

TwylaSands · 02/03/2024 00:08

Tulipsareout · 02/03/2024 00:07

I can't really due to school, work etc. I'm a bit stuck at the moment but I'm struggling so, so much.

Youre not stuck. You are afraid.

Original poster
Tulipsareout · 02/03/2024 00:13

PaminaMozart · 02/03/2024 00:07

Just in case any of this is real....

What do you think this family dynamic is doing to your child?

Several posters have asked you why you are staying with this horrible, useless person.

If you tell us why, we might be able to suggest ways of extracting yourself from this mess and start living.

Yes it's real.
I don't.know why I stay anymore. Partly financial reasons; needing somewhere to live with my children and unable to afford bills on my own. Also, I think I'm so beaten down from being told I'm crazy, how can he put up with me, I'll never cope if he leaves etc and I just don't know who I am or where I am. I'm honestly so resentful and what to scream and cry in equal measures.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tulipsareout · 02/03/2024 00:15

He emotionally scares me. I can't even have a conversation with him or read his messages because he makes things up and is so awful. I honestly feel like I'm going to explode with the stress. It's what he wants though. He wants me to look crazy, he wants some objective evidence to show people. Like he did with his ex.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tulipsareout · 02/03/2024 00:21

I think I'll sleep with our son tonight.
Honestly, I'm messed up.
I hate him so much more than I'll ever describe but I also feel like I love him. I'm devastated he cheated. I have sex with him regularly as I'm worried he'll otherwise have sex elsewhere. I even know this is ridiculous and makes no sense.

OP posts:
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