To be annoyed he never prioritises me (or child)

[Tulipsareout]

I won't go into too much back story as what I'm asking today will got lost in the midst of everything else.

Basically when it's our DS's birthday we always his party on the Saturday closest to his birthday (party is family and a few friends over our house- I do all planning, cooking, cake etc). His birthday is end of April, today I said to my partner we will have to invite some school friends and he turns around and says that we can't have his party on the Saturday as he's going out drinking. I said I couldn't believe he'd booked to go out drinking on the day we'd be having DS's party. He said HE never does parties at the weekend, always on the day of birthday. Which is a complete lie. His night out isn't just Saturday night out then home or it wouldn't be be issue. He wants to go to his dad's house and stay there Saturday and most of Sunday as hell be hungover/he can't manage to get up or out of the house before 2pm.
He told me I'm a bitch and I'm trying to ruin his night out. I said that he's planning on going on a weekend piss up knowing we'd have had our son's birthday party (it's 2 days before his birthday which is on a school day). He know when our son's birthday is, he didn't even clarify dates or ask what we were upto. He's the most selfish person I know and it's always about him. He literally made plans not giving a shit about anyone else.

He's now saying we can have his party the following weekend. Which in some ways I understand and maybe I'm unreasonable but I don't see why I should not have his party on the weekend closest to his birthday so he can go out drinking for a weekend (and assuming I'm looking after our child the weekend without even mentioning it). I've said that as a compromise we can have his party the Sunday but he'll need to come home to our house after his night out because Sunday morning I need to do all the party food, sort cake etc. Apparently no, it's not good enough. He's told me I'm a bitch and selfish and he won't be coming back that weekend at all.

Oh and this is what he does. 2 weeks ago he went off to stay in the same family members house to watch rugby. He could just come home (it's 40 mins from where he's going out) but he told me he was going fri-Sun evening. I asked if he was planning to see our child at all that weekend and he said if I wanted him to have DS I'd have to drive him there but only after Saturday as he has plans! He doesnt even discuss, ask etc. I was unwell the weekend and he buggers off for 3 days to stay elsewhere whilst I'm looking after his child.

The party is the least of your issues. He sounds like a right useless areshole. Leave him so your son knows this behaviour is not right. You don’t want him growing up copying his dads actions and thinking that’s any way to treat people.

He sounds awful . He shouldn't be speaking to you like that and of course he should check before making plans.

With the party I would either donut that weekend without him or do if the week after.

I'd think about if you want this long term though. It will impact on your son.

So sorry to read this. You sound so ground down and the party is the least of your problems.
To check:
this man is a partner not a husband;
you have a job;
your home is rented;
your family is not nearby.
Have you told your family what is going on and would they be able to help you? Don't keep his nastiness to yourself - bring it out into the light with any allies you have.
Could you get a job if you lived near your family?
Your son/children would adapt to a new school and flourish away from this abusive man.
I hope you can get real- life support to get away and thrive with your children Wishing you the very best for your future.

This.

I couldn’t get past being called a bitch. The level of contempt he has for you.

Your with an abusive, cheating, selfish, bullying creature (hes not a man) who will never change because hes got you right where he wants you which is taking care of him and his child, doing all of the housework and majority of childcare, letting him go off for weekends at a time drinking and potentially sleeping with other women, and being too scared to call him out or question any of his actions. His life is literally perfect! I understand you feel worn down but you are responsible for making sure your children arent in a situation where they will see their dad treating their mum like a piece of shit and getting away with it. In the kindest way, you are enabling his behaviour and your children may start following in his footsteps if they grow up thinking this is appropriate and normal family life. You deserve sooo much more than this. Its down to you to put your foot down, start making some serious boundaries for yourself and get rid. Noone can tell you to leave him but id seriously recommend it in your situation. Start loving and respecting yourself and dont take ANY shit! You dont owe him a thing.

sweetie, you are worth so much more than this

His idea of childcare is plonking your 4 year old on the x box for hours at a time?

the party is a red herring, if you don’t get out you’re going to have an 11 year old addicted to gaming and picking up on the awful way his dad treats you. Teenage years are going to be horrendous.

Old superstition: you shouldn't celebrate your birthday before the day. Move the party to the next weekend.
Your DP is still a prick.

If you were my daughter I would come and collect you and your son right now and bring you back to a home where you would be loved and respected.

His constant gaslighting is making you doubt yourself.

Please contact Women's Aid and get out.

You can leave and you need to leave. My friend was in a similar relationship. She thought it must be her. He left anyway. Her children are very damaged g witnessing ten years of their mother being emotionally abused. They were also treated poorly and are in therapy. They havent spoken to him since and the thought scares them. School are involved. Other agencies are involved. They are all very damaged by him.

he is continuing his abuse through the school, courts, their joint mortgage which he wont pay towards and joint bank accounts, which he emptied.

your family being a distance away from him is a good thing. Go home.

Ok, if your husband got offered a once in a lifetime opportunity for the weekend before ie got a ticket to the Oscar’s. Then yes you would be unreasonable not moving the date to following week.
But. A regular piss up that he never told you about which means he goes away all weekend. No. Not ok.
He doesn’t respect you. He’s hardly winning father of the year from your description. Make plans to how you can take your son and leave. You’ll be happier.

Jesus Christ. 😔 he is a cunt. I really hope you can get yourself away from this horrible, horrible failure of a man.

Have you supportive family and/or friends, op?
This is all so hard to read as I can completely understand your confusion and reluctance to leave. If and when you do decide to leave, within a short time you will be able to see the situation clearly and see how fucked up it is.

Hes a bully and is breaking you.

Dont let him.

You’re like chalk and cheese. You’re a great mum and put your child’s needs first. Teach him right and wrong, you’re there for him 24/7. Your partner on the other hand couldn’t give less of a shit of he tried. He’s an absolute pig of a so called man and for some unknown reason you’re still with him. Save up, make plans, get gone. What a complete loser at life this guy is.

I would do the party the weekend after. It doesn’t have to be on the weekend closest to the birthday - a few days here or there doesn’t matter. so yes YABU in that regard.

but, with the wider context, YANBU as he clearly is a selfish asshole. My DH would ask to go away - not because he needs my permission, but because he knows it has an impact on me and he'd want to organise it to minimise that. And because he is fair like that I would want to accommodate him and let him have the “time off”. That’s what it should look like between partners who care about each other. You sound like you are in this alone, and sending hugs for you as that is not a nice place to be when you technically have a partner xx

OP contact women's aid when you can. Don't make rash decision's as your partner sounds a bit dangerous to me. Keep the peace including with the party and make plans to leave safely.

OP, you really must leave this man, he’s deeply abusive and is teaching your son some terrible lessons in how men behave and treat women. Do you have a supportive family?

What kind of a father puts his own likes/dislikes ahead of his own child/ren's birthday parties???

What use are Gingerbread?! Please explain precisely how to "make an appointment" with them?! I'm a widowed single parent and I previously reached out to gingerbread for support to which they flatly asked me what sort of service I thought they were!!!!

You need to leave. Take your child and go, seriously. This man is selfish, nasty, unfaithful, violent and probably an alcoholic by the sounds of it. And your little boy is growing up with this. Please get some help and get out of this relationship. Your life sounds awful and can be SO much better, honestly 💐

Ok so you need to get away from this man. You and your DS deserve much better from a partner and parent.

PP have suggested resources to help you plan how you can get away. That will take time but you are strong and can do it.

Since the party does not need to be on the weekend he is away I would shift the party. While you get your ducks in a row to get away you don't need all the extra antagonism that comes with the arguments. Know that you're right, he's a dick, then quietly go about your arrangements to get away for good.

Ohhhhh the abusive part-time doctor again!

Good to see you are STILL letting your sons live in an abusive home and desperate to keep this "man" in your bed.

You need SS involvement immediately. How can you put your children through this? Is your eldest son still there or has he managed to escape his abusive stepdad?!

Shocked if not at all surprised this is still going on.

He hates you
Leave him
Any nice ness is to get sex from you

Save yourself and dc

You rent so leave and rent elsewhere just you with UC top up

As so many have asked you, WHY are you still with this person? Not only is he really, really horrible to you, he is unkind to your child. It is your job to protect your child. Why are you not doing that?