To be annoyed he never prioritises me (or child)

[Tulipsareout]

I won't go into too much back story as what I'm asking today will got lost in the midst of everything else.

Basically when it's our DS's birthday we always his party on the Saturday closest to his birthday (party is family and a few friends over our house- I do all planning, cooking, cake etc). His birthday is end of April, today I said to my partner we will have to invite some school friends and he turns around and says that we can't have his party on the Saturday as he's going out drinking. I said I couldn't believe he'd booked to go out drinking on the day we'd be having DS's party. He said HE never does parties at the weekend, always on the day of birthday. Which is a complete lie. His night out isn't just Saturday night out then home or it wouldn't be be issue. He wants to go to his dad's house and stay there Saturday and most of Sunday as hell be hungover/he can't manage to get up or out of the house before 2pm.
He told me I'm a bitch and I'm trying to ruin his night out. I said that he's planning on going on a weekend piss up knowing we'd have had our son's birthday party (it's 2 days before his birthday which is on a school day). He know when our son's birthday is, he didn't even clarify dates or ask what we were upto. He's the most selfish person I know and it's always about him. He literally made plans not giving a shit about anyone else.

He's now saying we can have his party the following weekend. Which in some ways I understand and maybe I'm unreasonable but I don't see why I should not have his party on the weekend closest to his birthday so he can go out drinking for a weekend (and assuming I'm looking after our child the weekend without even mentioning it). I've said that as a compromise we can have his party the Sunday but he'll need to come home to our house after his night out because Sunday morning I need to do all the party food, sort cake etc. Apparently no, it's not good enough. He's told me I'm a bitch and selfish and he won't be coming back that weekend at all.

Oh and this is what he does. 2 weeks ago he went off to stay in the same family members house to watch rugby. He could just come home (it's 40 mins from where he's going out) but he told me he was going fri-Sun evening. I asked if he was planning to see our child at all that weekend and he said if I wanted him to have DS I'd have to drive him there but only after Saturday as he has plans! He doesnt even discuss, ask etc. I was unwell the weekend and he buggers off for 3 days to stay elsewhere whilst I'm looking after his child.

This man is a selfish, fucking piece of shit and you need to leave him. Think about the appalling role model he is for your son. You are desensitised because many people would have left the cunt for any ONE of the following:
-he disappears for weekend benders
-shags another woman
-in your bed
-moan at your son for waking him up
-put his alcohol addiction before you and your precious child
-threatens to leave you if you complain or request the smallest thing
-told you he wanted to punch you
-pushed you around
-called you a bitch
-told you when you would have the party- he is not the boss of you
-walks away from you
-ignores you

I am sorry, but I feel sick just writing this- it is really shocking behaviour. You need to move closer to you family, having collected all the documents you need and every last detail re salary for CMS.

You will have people who do love you around you and your child. Have a party whenever the fuck you want. And…best of all, never be beholden to his sorry arse again. Find your outrage, if not for you then for your little boy!

You are being abused.

Contact Women's Aid for help.
Make an appointment at the CAB.
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Check the Universal Credit calculator.

But you must act and take charge of your life.
For your children's sake if not your own 💐

I'm trying to save some money so I'm in a better financial situation.
@Fucketyfecketyfoo when I see it listed like that I know how it sounds (and obviously there's a lot more to this situation). However he honestly makes me feel like I'm crazy. Some of the things he says and does are so weird that I honestly wonder sometimes if I've imagined it. I know I'm not but it's as if he's not on the same planet as everyone else.

As our son is getting older, I can see the impact on him though and it does worry me. He tries to make me look bad and puts the blame on me. So tells our son I'm angry.
Partner calls me angry...yet he's the one that shouts and swears if he doesn't get his own way. I think it just makes him look good if he tells people I have anger issues. The problem for partner is that he has no evidence of this (which is what he wants).

I absolutely do not want my son growing up like this. He is already a polite, sweet and we'll mannered boy. I teach him the importance and helping around the house and looking after people but I know I need to get him away whilst he's still young. Although his father will still get to see him without me present, so he's always going to have an influence.

He’s a prize twat, ditch him and let him get on with it- you and your son will be better off without him if that’s how little he thinks of you both

I think you’ve asked the wrong question in you OP, Tulips.

In a normal relationship with a partner who cares about you and your son as much as you care about them and your son, then it probably would be an unreasonable thing to stamp your feet about. But you aren’t in that sort of relationship. In that sort of relationship your partner wouldn’t be going on a bender for a weekend without checking with you. Wouldn’t be leaving you with all the work bringing up your joint son. Would already have been thinking about your son’s birthday and talked to you about the party so you could decide together.

Your partner puts himself first and doesn’t give a shit about you or DS. So the whole question about your reasonableness over this party is moot, he is falling short in your eyes because he’s nasty. The party date is the thing you’re focused on, but it’s everything else that’s the deal breaker.

'Allow'? He won't even be there so he can't really stop you

Please plan to ditch this excuse for a father

Stop focusing on the party!

This is the least important issue

Why isn't your flesh crawling at the thought of him?

Please, look at what he's doing.

I know. It's just the question that I came here to ask but I ended up majorly digressing!

It does. Because he will be horrible, send nasty messages then an hour later try to have sex with me (happened yesterday - told me how mental and horrible I was, then wandered downstairs and asked for sex).

Just make sure you move over 35 minutes away from him, cos he's already said 'that's too far away from his mates' so he probably won't travel that far to see his son, so hopefully you and your ds won't see much of him.

Oh and usually I'll say yes because
(A) I worry he'll leave me
(B) I want to feel wasted
(C) if I don't it confirms I have personality disorder or am crazy because I'm being miserable
(D) I've been told to fucking leave his house if I'm not going to have sex with him.

' his house ' is it ?

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon well we rent but he pays more in total towarda house and bills as he has a much higher wage (he just refuses to work much).

Thousands of women leave cunts like this.believe in yourself.as for schools kids adapt.

That's an important point. Whether the house is his, yours or joint makes a difference in how you approach the break up.

You're allowing him to treat you like this, so it will just carry on (or escalate) until you leave him. He is not going to change. Do you want this to be the rest of your life? Do you want your son( who sounds lovely) to start copying him in his disrespect towards you. He isnt going to suddenly start treating you properly because he's a nasty pig and you need to take the emotion out of this and deal with the facts of the situation and what your gonna do about it. No point crying and asking yourself why he treats you like this- sorry to sound harsh, but it's because you're putting up with it.
Do you really 'want to feel wanted' by scum like him?

He's an abhorrent human being who is controlling and abusing you and gaslighting his own son. He cheats on you and forces you to put your health at risk every time you have sex with him. That makes me want to vomit. You do not love this man. You love the image you once had of him and what you hoped your relationship would be, but he is not that person and this is not that relationship. He is vile, disgusting filth.

Please leave. Your son deserves better. If you don't leave and show your son that this is not acceptable treatment, your son will, in all likelihood, abuse his partner also. Abuse statistics over many years bear this out. Please don't perpetuate the abuse cycle. Do right by your son.

I've posted before about growing up in DV household,it can take decades to reconcile with...don't let that be your boy op.

I sincerely hope this isn't a real thread because I don't want to believe that there are men out there who treat women like this. If it is real op, please run far and fast from this toxic man. Good luck.

I'm another who's thinking this can't be real. This man sounds like an embodiment of all the worst characteristics and behaviours you could find in one low life.

If this is real, just go op. Contact a friend or family, ask them to help you to leave this scumbag.

so actually it's neither of yours ' house ' but it's both of yours ' home '

is it a private rental or social housing, is the tenancy in both names or just his ?

Op, read up on trauma bonding. Then leave him.

He doesn't give a stuff about a kiddies party, which is fine. My Dad would make him self totally scarce at such dos, he'd be no use anyway. Grumpy man, wow kids favourite! So don't re-book it for the following week.
Just do it without him.
But, him calling you a bitch. Disappearing for days on end for "the rugby' and "drinks". Are you allowed to do the same and leave kids with him? Thought not. You'd be better off single. Then at least he might do ironically more parenting?!