To ask, why do people say marriage is hard?

[chickpea1982]

Just as the title says really. I was just watching something on TV and someone said, "marriage is hard", and I wondered, "how is it hard?" So I thought I would ask for opinions!

It’s hard when you are with the wrong person. If you are with the right person then I think life’s hardships are faced as a team whereby with the wrong person they become a battleground.

This made me laugh!

I've never found my marriage hard, but we don't have children and I think that can cause extra stress and worry which can shake even the most solid relationship.

I think this is quite rigid.

Even the “right” people don’t always behave perfectly. They get on your nerves or something is bothering them and they start a silly argument because they’re in a bad mood. They might even make a mistake, no one’s perfect. You don’t agree on everything.

Humans are flawed so all I can think is that people have different definitions of what a relationship being “hard work “ means?

It doesn’t mean it’s unhappy.

Yes I think the problem here might be defining 'hard'.

I'm the kind of person who would rather know that other people find things hard but continue because they're worthwhile than imagine that there's a magical love connection in which everything is always easy that I haven't found OR that there's something wrong with me that means I find things harder than other people. If you have a marriage in which absolutely no effort is required for either of you to always do the best thing for the relationship that's great but I think you're just not thinking about the effortful bits! Which is your right of course. Telling people who do think about the effortful bits that they have shitty marriages or are married to the wrong person isn't your right though is it.

I agree @Spinet

I think it’s a little short sighted to think that a happy marriage requires no effort or work?

I’d be surprised if all couples who were having a rocky patch and finding it hard to communicate and understand each other were told by a marriage counsellor:

”Sorry Mrs Smith but a happy marriage should be easy. LTB immediately”

Its all rather black and white 😬

It can be but only if you’re married to the wrong person. My first DH was an awful, violent man, and it was a terrible time in my life. My DH now is fantastic and we have an amazing life and our marriage is so easy 🥰

Really!

If that's the reason I'm in a marriage I don't find hard, then 🤷‍♀️!

I have professional qualifications and never ever thought of myself as less intelligent!

But of course the batshit crazy of MN would know better!

On a definitely unrelated note, I've always thought it's easier for less intelligent people to be happy. They spend less time evaluating their situation and often have less insight.*

Peak Mumsnet batshit!!

So funny 🤣

I personally think sharing your whole life with anyone is hard, and I don't see unless I was a really placid person how it couldn't be.

Me and DH are different people, we have different wants, needs and ambitions. I have to accommodate his and he has to accommodate mine in every life decision. And we have changed as we have aged

Both of us are quite ambitious with our careers and have both had to make sacrifices for the others career. Equally we've both had to make sacrifices in our careers to stay with the other.

I don't find sharing space with people easy, I've always found living with my parents and friends in the past difficult. I've had to learn to share my space with my DH and he has me. I like my own space

There have been points where I haven't time for a relationship. You need to spend quality time with your SO to keep a relationship going and happy, and if there's work stress, Ill health, caring responsibilities, Dc then thats not easy. Keeping the relationship happy when there's no time for each other again is hard

I don't mean marriage is a slog when I say I've found it hard. We've not argued every day at any point and generally our marriage is very very happy, but that does take work for me and I can't envisage not finding parts of it hard

For me staying happy in general takes work, keeping motivated and enjoying my career, ensuring to spend time with friends and family and stay in touch with people I care about, eating well, excercising. All good things take work

I see all sorts in my job, and one of them is how many women believe they are /were happily married until they found out they darlings were having affairs/secret sex fetishes, and allsorts, they had no idea and were utterly shocked. Wouldn't put too much stock on who says they are happy or not

On a definitely unrelated note, I've always thought it's easier for less intelligent people to be happy. They spend less time evaluating their situation and often have less insight.

I've just read this to DP and we both burst out laughing. We met at a Mensa event....!

To be fair I've been married twice, both marriages were hard and since then I've had 4 years of therapy- it's not hard living with dp. The hard factor ws probably my screwed up personality.

I mean yeah agreed that was a bit of a daft comment. That poster was retaliating to an angry poster protesting that if she found marriage hard work then she had a “shitty marriage”which was also a low blow.

MENSA doesn’t measure emotional intelligence - sorry to be a dick but just pointing that out 🤣

It's compromise. Never ending compromise. What's for dinner? What's on telly? Any children? How many children? Pets? Where to holiday? Which car? Which house? Those curtains are too short!! Which music? What time to wake? What time to sleep? Sod off, I'm trying to have my once a year lie-in!!

The older I get, the more I appreciate chewing on brown rice in in a pet-free home, whilst admiring my perfect-lenght curtains (just a millimeter off scraping the floor). And all of that - discussion free!! I like doing whatever the heck I want, without running it by someone first.

If you were living with someone compatible - you wouldn’t need any such thing. As you are both aligned to similar values, interests and tastes.

I don’t see it as compromise either - sometimes eating new food, watching new shows and being exposed to change and newness is very enriching.

Sharing your life and choices is fun, offers comfort and peace. I don’t always want to make every decision or cook every meal or look after myself when I am ill. It’s nice to have someone do to all of those things sometimes ( I would be on a steady diet of spaghetti hoops otherwise 😂)

I found marriage incredibly hard. Which is why I will never do it again.

My ex wasn’t right for me but my current partner is but I would never marry him. Marriage terrifies me.

I find the idea of being legally attached to someone unbearably stifling. I find cohabitation pretty hard even with my current partner and I love him to bits.

Does Mensa not measure reading comprehension..? Did I say it's impossible for intelligent people to be happy? No. But I do believe it's easier for less intelligent people to feel happier. Ignorance is bliss, after all.

@SpinetIf you have a marriage in which absolutely no effort is required for either of you to always do the best thing for the relationship that's great but I think you're just not thinking about the effortful bits! Which is your right of course. Telling people who do think about the effortful bits that they have shitty marriages or are married to the wrong person isn't your right though is it.

Yes, this. I think someone earlier said nothing worth doing is easy. I guess that's my philosophy. We can always improve, can always be better. If I got to the point I was putting no effort into my work, even if naturally good at it, I'd feel terrible and have no purpose. Same with my relationship, even when things are easy and going well I put the effort in to make time for date nights etc. I do suspect people are just thinking because this comes naturally they're not putting in effort, where actually they are. They're just not thinking about it as making an effort.

At the risk of people inevitably telling me my relationship must be really boring, I think the reason I don't identify with a lot of these comments is that DH and I don't really compromise because 99% of things people are saying they compromise on, we agree on. For that reason we don't really argue and we don't tend to get on each other's nerves either. We bicker a bit from time to time but that's all.

I grew up in a big family, hated sharing a room, hated having housemates at uni, always wanted my own space, but I don't really ever feel I need space from DH. That's not to say we are joined at the hip, but we don't get bored of each other. And we both WFH so we are around each other an awful lot day to day.

Yeah absolutely.

Easy doesn’t always = happy
Hard work doesn’t = unhappy

Id be bored to tears if I was in a marriage where we liked all the same things, had the same interests, shared everything ,never disagreed and always had sensible adult conversations.

Ive no doubt sometimes I’m difficult to be around. Sometimes I’m lovely sometimes I’m grumpy, irritable or annoying. So is my husband.

Id think he’d lost his marbles if he declared I was always “amazing” and a delight to be around.
Dh puts effort into being understanding, I like to think I do- or we both make the effort to make amends after a row.

We want our marriage to work at the crux of it.

What’s the difference between cohabiting in a long term relationship, is that also meant to be hard?

The difference is that with cohabitation it’s easier to get out! You have the security of knowing it’s not forever.

Marriage is a complete ballache to unwind.

Marriage isn't hard for us. It's a daily joy!

I don't see that long term co habitation when you own a house together and have children together is that different from marriage tbh.