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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask, why do people say marriage is hard?

272 replies

chickpea1982 · 01/03/2024 17:38

Just as the title says really. I was just watching something on TV and someone said, "marriage is hard", and I wondered, "how is it hard?" So I thought I would ask for opinions!

OP posts:
entropynow · 01/03/2024 18:00

MotherofGorgons · 01/03/2024 17:59

Why do you think anyone will be angry?

Presumably because we're all jealous or something. Or, y'know, not as lucky.

puzzledout · 01/03/2024 18:04

@MotherofGorgons because of people like @entropynow!

Do you think that in 36 years we have not had a load of challenges?

Still happy we're together and dealt with them.

ZZTopGuitarSolo · 01/03/2024 18:04

entropynow · 01/03/2024 17:59

Wait til it's 40, mate. Mix in a special needs child, redundancy and precarious self employment whilst you're at it.

I’m at 25 years, special needs child, precarious self employment and redundancy has all happened. What happens in the next 15 years to make it harder?

35965a · 01/03/2024 18:05

I honestly don’t know. We’ve been married for years and it’s never been hard. Life gets hard but the marriage has always been the easy bit.

whatisforteamum · 01/03/2024 18:06

It's hard if they don't look after their health.
Tbh sometimes life is hard and we think it's the marriage when in fact we may feel the same single.

fightingthedogforadonut · 01/03/2024 18:07

I guess it's about keeping that commitment going even on the ordinary days when life is mundane and repetitive..

I'll be honest, I don't find marriage especially hard. We've been married for 18 years and together for 25. Over time it's morphed from a 'rattling the headboards passion' to a very deep, mutual trust, respect and affection for each other. We're partners in every sense of the word. Can't imagine going through life with anyone else.

AmaryllisChorus · 01/03/2024 18:08

Well, if you want it to last, you have to be prepared to weather the storms. No one is sweetness and light 24/7 for 60 years. So you need to work at it to restore respect, love, affection and compassion during and after childbirth, job loss, ill health, family tragedies, children's issues, thwarted dreams and goals, preoccupation or workaholism. Inevitably there are times when you fall out of passion and lust for your spouse and they don't always coincide with their loss of interest in you. There's over familiarity too - you have heard all his best jokes, anecdotes etc in the first five years. By year 25, you are bored to tears of his best dinner party stories and can see in his eyes that he feels the same about yours. Snoring or nose blowing or leaving a cup beside the dishwasher is a little annoying at first. 30 years later it feels like grounds for divorce!

For marriage to work, both people have to really want it to work, to share the physical, emotional, financial burdens equally or divide them in a way that genuinely suits both people. You have to work at retaining fun and adventure and humour and affection and respect. You have to learn to be tolerant if they are ill or lose their job or descend into depression, and navigate through, deciding whether it's in both people's interest to stay or split.

When life is easy - no kids, small mortgage on a flat, loads of free time, it's so easy to be in love. Harder when a child has puked all over you for the fourth night in a row and the washing machine has broken down and your partner's been let go from work for the third time in five years but he's merrily snoring away while you handwash baby, self, sheets, clothes at 3am and wonder if you'll ever have fun again.

You have to adjust to change - one person becoming more successful or fitter, or less fit or less powerful in the world. The things you loved and admired at first may not last so you have to work out what else is worthy of the long haul.

PattySpringsteen · 01/03/2024 18:08

Because marriage brings many ups and downs. Anyone saying saying every day is all rainbows and butterflies isn’t telling the truth or is wearing rose tinted glasses. We’ve been married 37 years (married at 19) and there have been MANY times during those 37 years it’s been tough.

skippy67 · 01/03/2024 18:08

It just goes on and on and on and on....

Delphina17 · 01/03/2024 18:09

It's hard because life is hard. You might have to navigate bereavements, illness, mental health issues, financial problems, etc together.

strawberryjeans · 01/03/2024 18:11

Newly wed (well, in the last 6 months).

Mid 20s.

My two pence is that it’s easy if you are compatible. Which you might be forever. Or you might be until certain life stages happen… and there’s no way of knowing how long you will be on the same wavelength for and what life might throw at you.

I love my DH and would marry him again tomorrow, and every day! We get on well 95% of the time and have learned to communicate and worked on ourselves A LOT over the length of our relationship. You have to want to understand the other person, want to be there for them, want to compromise. In that sense it can be hard work making sure you’re always meeting each other’s needs. If you’re too passive, you don’t care enough. You have to wake up and choose to love each other every day if that makes sense.

Marine30 · 01/03/2024 18:11

Marriage is hard to impossible if you marry the wrong person. It’s hard to just about possible if you marry the right person! That’s just how it is.

MotherofGorgons · 01/03/2024 18:11

I think the fact that 42% of UK marriages end in divorce and 62% of divorces are initiated by women is proof that some do find it hard.

chickpea1982 · 01/03/2024 18:12

So interesting to hear everyone's responses so far. I am married - 9 years and counting. And I don't find it hard - life can be hard, but my marriage is one of the best, most foundational parts of my life, so it makes the rest easier. It just really strikes me whenever someone says (with much emphasis) "marriage is hard", that I don't know what they mean! Sometimes I worry it's something I've not got to yet..

OP posts:
Devicey · 01/03/2024 18:14

In my experience with friends/colleagues it's because they're in difficult/abusive relationships.

It's a pleasure to be married to my DH. Sure he's not perfect but no one is.

DramaAlpaca · 01/03/2024 18:14

I've never found being married hard. We've gone through some tough times in the last 30-odd years, yes, but marriage itself has never been difficult. I'm just glad we're together. I have to say though, that if anything happened to change that I wouldn't get married again.

Autienotnaughtie · 01/03/2024 18:14

The things that can make it hard are things like-

Unfair division of household responsibilities
Different spending habits
Different parenting values
Lack of respect
Mh issues
External stresses/loss/hardship
Different interests/hobbies
Issues with family/friends

We are never going to find a completely perfect match but sometimes people overlook things that if they thought it through are actually deal breakers for them.
Some issues dont develop until people move in/ have kids

In order to have an easy marriage you need to be a fairly laid back person , no major insecurities, with a good sense of humour who is lucky enough to meet someone very similar.

IncompleteSenten · 01/03/2024 18:15

It has its challenges.

It's a partnership.

Think of any partnership - a business for example. Is it always smooth sailing? Do the partners always agree on the best course of action? Does it requires good communication skills and compromise? Can you just chuck it in and close the business at the first hurdle? Etc.

When two people decide to combine to become a family unit they have to do things differently than if they were a single person making all the decisions.

BeaRF75 · 01/03/2024 18:18

I am long-time married, but sometimes you have to compromise. You may have to put the other person's wishes/career/health etc above your own. You may have to forgive things you aren't happy about.
Sometimes you may not like each other very much.
Sometimes you'd just rather be on your own!
None of this means that marriage is a bad thing, but it worries me when I see women in particular go into it with all these romantic ideals and expectations of being "adored" and "treated like a princess". That's not real life.

HemlockSoup · 01/03/2024 18:20

because all kinds of people get married, with all types of personalities and temperaments. sometimes these temperaments just co-exist easily together and sometimes there's more of a challenge in blending two lives in the long term.

WalterFence · 01/03/2024 18:22

Very happily married for 20 years. Life has been hard at times but marriage has been easy.

HemlockSoup · 01/03/2024 18:23

chickpea1982 · 01/03/2024 18:12

So interesting to hear everyone's responses so far. I am married - 9 years and counting. And I don't find it hard - life can be hard, but my marriage is one of the best, most foundational parts of my life, so it makes the rest easier. It just really strikes me whenever someone says (with much emphasis) "marriage is hard", that I don't know what they mean! Sometimes I worry it's something I've not got to yet..

it may be that your marriage becomes more challenging in the future. life can throw unexpected stuff your way.

or your marriage might continue to be easy.

no one marriage is identical to another

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 01/03/2024 18:23

For us, we have different parenting styles which we obviously didn't know when we got married.

Compromise everything.

It is just hard sometimes. It's also very easy too

whatwouldAnnaDelveydo · 01/03/2024 18:24

Because most marriages are shit.

(And people try to convince themselves that's the nature of marriages)

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 01/03/2024 18:24

chickpea1982 · 01/03/2024 18:12

So interesting to hear everyone's responses so far. I am married - 9 years and counting. And I don't find it hard - life can be hard, but my marriage is one of the best, most foundational parts of my life, so it makes the rest easier. It just really strikes me whenever someone says (with much emphasis) "marriage is hard", that I don't know what they mean! Sometimes I worry it's something I've not got to yet..

Do you have kids?