To ask, why do people say marriage is hard?

[chickpea1982]

Just as the title says really. I was just watching something on TV and someone said, "marriage is hard", and I wondered, "how is it hard?" So I thought I would ask for opinions!

Marriage isn't hard..it's just a legal state and reasonably straightforward to get out of.

Relationships are hard, co-habiting is hard, parenting is hard..maybe that's what they mean.

I’m finding the faux-puzzled comments “No idea why people say that, I’ve been happy for 25 years!” a bit disingenuous!

All relationships take work and that is hard at times. It also brings great rewards of course.

My husband fell from a roof at work a few years ago and our relationship was tested to the limit.
I was his carer for months,he couldn’t walk, had broken arms it was awful.
He hated the new dynamic and felt useless, a burden.

It was only because we both recognised how hard marriage can be and how difficult it is to always consider another adult’s feelings and needs, that our marriage “recovered”!

Dh and I have seen each other at our best and worst. It is hard to always get along and function as a couple. It’s human nature to be inherently selfish.

I honestly think if you don’t have the lows that evolve in a healthy relationship, you can’t have the highs, or appreciate the happy times.

Is anyone saying they don't have lows?

Marriage is hard was the question? As a response I said it wasn't, no faux answer.

Of course life is hard and what happened to your husband was difficult. But that didn't mean your marriage was hard surely? It meant that situation was hard.

If you'd rather have been without him then and end your marriage l, because it was hard, I'd find that quite difficult to understand? He didn't fall to test your marriage?

You clearly could, as you're spending so much time on here getting personal.

This thread isn't about whether you, as an individual or as the general you, are happy for not. It's about why people say marriage can be hard. You can acknowledge something is hard for people but that they're still happy. For example, working full time can be hard, making friends can be hard, maintaining good relationships with family can be hard, eating healthily can be hard, committing to an exercise regime can be hard. Acknowledging something can be hard objectively doesn't mean you're unhappy.

No idea why you're suggesting I need therapy. No unhappy or failed marriage here, but I genuinely don't care what you think of my relationship so I won't be providing details.

On a definitely unrelated note, I've always thought it's easier for less intelligent people to be happy. They spend less time evaluating their situation and often have less insight.

I think it depends on you as a person too. I think marriage is hard and it's also the best most foundational thing in my life. There have been a few forks in the road where I have made big decisions for the sake of the marriage that were not what I would have chosen otherwise. That's hard but not as hard as compromising the marriage.

There are also the petty irritations of every day which do build up! Maybe I'm more irritable than most people but I often find myself asking myself if my marriage is better than (whatever) is irritating/limiting/frustrating. The answer is yes so far.

I often wonder if people who report effortless marriages had parents with happy relationships. Mine did not. My husband's did. He is much better at seeming happily married than I am. It is second nature for him to prioritise the marriage over everything.

Of course I didn’t think dh fell off a roof to test our marriage. I’m not completely mad 😂

I was trying to say that in a long relationship of course there will be difficulties. I think that’s normal in healthy marriages? It doesn’t mean you don’t love each other.

Not just hard situations to cope with but moments where you don’t agree with a partner, don’t particularly like them or feel resentful or ignored. The relationship is hard?
Times where you feel an urge to push them away, times where you might feel pushed out or undervalued, times when you might need reassurance or to be “carried” by your partner for a while and all the difficult emotions that brings up.

The difficult “hard” part is putting in the effort to continually check in with the adult you live with, have difficult conversations about how you feel or what you or they need. To understand or forgive small mistakes and just the sheer effort (sometimes) of co operating as a team.

How to tell me you aren't married to my husband without telling me you aren't married to my husband.

its only hard if you make it difficult for yourselves.

marry the right person, trust, communicate, compromise.

The 'hard' comes in, in my experience with my ExH, when one tries to dominate the other, control the environment with an iron fist, or fails to support.

Marriage is give and take, and one sometimes having to carry the family, but knowing the other can and will take over when needs be. It's hard when someone just takes and takes and gives nothing back.

My Ex was an angry, domineering, shouty, selfish fucker who expected me to support him, but was NEVER there when i needed him if it interfered in what he wanted.

House had to be his way, meals when he wanted, silence if he wanted the tv on, he commanded when bed time happened, and would punish us all with threats and shouting and throwing things if he didn't get his way.

So yes, marriage is HARD, but only with the wrong person.

I've always thought it's easier for less intelligent people to be happy. They spend less time evaluating their situation and often have less insight. agree with this @innerdesign they usually have less choices too

I don’t think it’s hard, I think life is hard at times, especially throwing kids into the mix, and you need to compromise a lot. I think the reason people say marriage is hard, is the implication that your together for life through thick and thin…but nowadays that’s not so much the case.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with admitting marriage can be hard.
Acknowledging that or examining those feelings doesn’t curse your marriage.

I don’t agree that if you find it hard to rub along at times, it means you’re not compatible.

I always think it’s alarming when couples seem to morph into one person and assume they can read each other’s minds

Ups and downs are normal and it’s worth putting in the effort.
It takes effort to compromise, understand and consider another person’s feelings all the time.

Effort can be hard work.

I often wonder if people who report effortless marriages had parents with happy relationships. Mine did not. My husband's did. He is much better at seeming happily married than I am. It is second nature for him to prioritise the marriage over everything.

Yes, I did/do and so did DH - my parents are happily married after 46 years and his are after 48 years. I am sure that does shape our attitudes.

When I think of my parents and their friends (mostly in their 80’s). I don’t think any of them would say they have had easy marriages, even the ones who have had very good marriages. People have affairs, get ill, lose money, go through bad patches, become irritating, want to move, parent differently, develop mental health problems and much more.

On a definitely unrelated note, I've always thought it's easier for less intelligent people to be happy. They spend less time evaluating their situation and often have less insight.

🙄 Yes, you must be right, the reason my marriage is happy to an extent you apparently find unimaginable is because we're thick.

😂 and who are you? Not everything on the internet is about you, almost nothing in fact. I stand by what I said.

I always think this too. A healthy relationship feels easy, and makes your life easier. That's literally how I would define it.

And of course life will be hard and one or both of you will go through some shit - but a good relationship will be a means of getting through the shit with some support, not something that also drags you down.

If a relationship doesn't make your life better there's literally no point being in it.

I should note that while of course relationships require some conscious effort and compromise, this should not rise to the level of being actively hard work. The compromises I've made with DP have felt quite natural and they're not things I struggle to do. Ditto for him.

This is peak MN 😅😅😅. Only thick people have happy marriages.

I think that's the best reply so far (I haven't yet read the whole thread). For those saying how easy marriage is, they probably have easy-going partners and may be so themselves, whereas others have more difficult ones. So if they'd married a more difficult personality, marriage may not be so blissfully easy and yes, may be hard and need work. And if your own personality isn't always easy, there's always more friction to rub against, and work through.

It’s not one or the other is it?

Its possible to be in a happy marriage that you both put hard work into keeping “happy”

Happy is quite an over used vague adjective to describe a marriage. It’s the sort of thing trotted out in wedding or funeral speeches.
In reality no one is permanently in a happy state. That would be weird and frankly boring.

Even op admits it’s fine if her husband goes away for a while, maybe she enjoys a bit of peace 🤣
It’s ok to admit you’re not always best friends and lovers from a fairy tale where you live happily ever after.

Hey, whatever makes people feel better about their own shitty marriages..

A surprising number of people on the thread seem to be saying they find it hard work to ever have to consider someone else. I imagine it's not just marriage but all life that's trickier if that's your outlook.

I'm not sure marriage is hard but life is. We've been married 10 years and together for nearly 19.
Having children (2 with special needs) means we're often stressed and exhausted so we do argue some of time but I wouldn't be without him.

It’s a bit silly to declare “shitty marriage” just because people have been honest about finding their relationship hard at times.

Its weirdly bristly and defensive.

I think I have a happy marriage but we both put effort in to keep it working as we evolve through life.

Agree.

I’d add that what people consider hard work is subjective. We see it often here where some people would get irritated or bin certain people off claiming them hard work or intolerable over small, innocuous things others wouldn’t bat an eye over.

I don't think everyone who has said they find marriage hard has a shitty marriage. I absolutely think that anyone who has to tell themselves that only stupid people are happy has a shitty marriage (and life).