To ask, why do people say marriage is hard?

[chickpea1982]

Just as the title says really. I was just watching something on TV and someone said, "marriage is hard", and I wondered, "how is it hard?" So I thought I would ask for opinions!

Sorry! Not sure how I quoted entropynow…. I didn’t mean to!

Anyone that says they never had a single bad day in decades are the ones that are not paying attention, and when things fall apart are the most shocked in my experience.

‘But we were so happy’ you often hear, but there are two in a relationship and both voices have to be heard and differences and different views all overly compromised or ignored altogether does not bode well in the long term.

It can be hard if you change over the years but your other half doesn’t. Or if you both change but in a way that makes you less compatible. It can be challenging if one of you becomes ill or you encounter money problems. Sometimes one of you can develop feelings for someone else without wanting to, even if you don’t act on them, it can create a challenge again. I can’t think of any relationship I have with friends, family, colleagues that hasn’t involved a difficulty at some point or other. I am surprised by the couples who claim to have never had a problem in their marriage but it seems very lucky and probably not the norm.

It’s pretty high stakes and that in itself can make it nerve-wracking for people.

I think it's always remembering that your partner is a person in their own right and that it is a partnership of two grown ups.

That can be difficult to maintain when there is very close attachment and dependence- as there is in a marriage. Because we all have an infant part of ourselves which can slip into wanting our partner to revolve around us and meet our needs as if this was our right and entitlement and their only raison d'etre.

You see it all the time in here. A man feeling aggrieved because his wife doesn't meet his sexual needs.

A woman feeling aggrieved because her husband doesn't look after the children in exactly the way she does when it's "his" day of looking after them.

Some lovely posts on here, so refreshing to see 🥰

Also true that things that are worth doing are often hard and challenging.

Because their relationship is shit ( speaking from experience).

I really don’t think a relationship is hard with the right person. If you like and respect each other, care about each other’s perspective, it’s not that hard.

No idea been married nearly 25 years

You are so desperate for people on here to be jealous of you..! Hate to tell you, but nobody cares.

@BumpyaDaisyevnaI think it's always remembering that your partner is a person in their own right and that it is a partnership of two grown ups

This is such a good point. Did anyone watch the Canada series of Race Across the World? The young doctor couple said something along these lines, something about how they've been together so long and spend so much time together that she has to remind herself that her husband isn't her, and make an effort to check in with him and speak to him kindly. It seemed like a lovely relationship, but they admitted it takes work. It probably depends on personality and upbringing too, DH and I are both from families where people were grumpy, raised voices, spoke harshly to each other, so honestly marriage has been work because we're trying to break the cycle.

We have our own interests and we each have different tastes in books and tv shows etc. Sure we do a lot together but am still individuals

We've had all three of those things already, thanks.

It’s not hard when both parties are kind and fair and want the best for each other.

It’s hard when one or both parties have selfish natures or the ability to be nasty. Even just occasionally.

I’ve never heard a cross word between my parents. And DH and I can be grumpy but never at each others expense so an actual argument almost never happens (maybe once every 5yrs and involves drink so huffiness/directness comes out and lasts no more than 5mins).

But I believe that’s fairly rare to be so unargumentative even behind closed doors.

This hasn't happened in my marriage yet. I'm generally hugely intolerant of other people but DH is the one person I can spend endless amounts of time with without getting on each other's nerves.

Cool? That's like most people btw, not sure why you quoted me as your post bears no relevance to mine.

Marriage can also be very hard because sometimes you can end up as an unpaid carer.

Sometimes for life.

People who have disabled children are more likely to divorce

www.cerebralpalsy.org/blog/the-unfortunate-reality-of-divorce-in-couples-with-a-child-with-special-needs

Other people have talked about being a team - if your team has to care for a severely disabled child for life then some people do just decide they don't want to be on that team anymore.

Equally, if one partner gets seriously ill, people (more often men) do decide that actually they'd just like to change team.

www.cmlaw1.com/14-marriages-sick-spouse-divorce/#:~:text=The%20study%20revealed%20that%2021,likelihood%20that%20wives%20will%20stay.

And those people who don't change team would probably describe their marriage at that point as hard - it IS hard caring for someone.

Looking at the same person, every day, for the rest of your life…

It’s hard because life lobs lemons at you sometimes, it’s stressful, it’s frightening, and any evolution of a person has to be worked into a relationship because people change.

They’re your safest space so tend to feel the brunt of any offloading that needs to be done. Kids add to the ‘fun’. As do financial challenges, health issues, not to mention the peripheral aspects like elderly parents, employment, etc.

It’s all very hard as it’s the relationship that is chosen, not made, and is tested every day.

No idea either

It can be hard because you are negotiating life with another person and life can be hard at times.
My grandparents were married for a long time but for over 30 years of that my nanna was caring for my grandad who had a bad stroke at a young age and was physically disabled as well as not being able to communicate properly, she was amazing but of course that was hard on her.

I feel a bit sad reading this. It's lovely that you all have happy marriages, don't get me wrong. But it does make me sad that in the one fundamentally huge choice you make in relationships, mine did not turn out as hoped. My relationships are lovely - my children, my parents, my siblings, my friends, my partner - but I didn't have the relationship with exH that you lot have. We co-parent really well. So I feel very lucky in life and I know no-one has everything. But just reading these - my marriage wasn't like that. I suppose there are loads of us thinking this.

I've often wondered this as well. Been with DH 28 years now, even if he is annoying me by breathing 😄 I'm always pleased to see him.

Some people are difficult to live with. I'm one of them, better apart.

Married 34 years. In that time we’ve come through long term infertility, MH issues on both sides, elderly parents with caring needs on both sides. But we are still very happy.

@innerdesign I couldn't give a damn what people think of me and my relationship on here.

But I'll respond to your snarky comments and put you right....

Any particular reason why you think I can't be happy? Do you have issues relating to an unhappy or failed marriage?

Maybe seek some therapy and stop trying to tell me we've not grown and changed and that we annoy each other.... I'm so really sorry to disappoint you and all that.

Good to hear