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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask, why do people say marriage is hard?

272 replies

chickpea1982 · 01/03/2024 17:38

Just as the title says really. I was just watching something on TV and someone said, "marriage is hard", and I wondered, "how is it hard?" So I thought I would ask for opinions!

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 01/03/2024 17:40

Having to compromise. Being legally attached to someone.

Pludoniyum · 01/03/2024 17:41

No idea tbh. Married 15 years and very happy.

screendown · 01/03/2024 17:41

DustyLee123 · 01/03/2024 17:40

Having to compromise. Being legally attached to someone.

Compromise is probably the hardest bit.

Or is that because of the cohabitation rather than the marriage?

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 01/03/2024 17:42

I think you have to not take the other person for granted, you have to make sure that you're not leaning on them too hard, or drifting away from them. You have to make sure you always choose them, and keep communicating all the time. I think when you have kids and jobs and life goes at a million miles an hour it's easy to just leave your marital relationship ticking along in the background, to forget that you need to put time and effort into the relationship some times.

Thatsasfarasitgoes · 01/03/2024 17:43

I’ve been married nearly 30 years. It’s never been hard. It’s been an absolute joy and the best thing that’s ever happened to me. He makes me laugh every day. He’s the best man I’ve ever met and such a credit to his single mum.

DingDongDenny · 01/03/2024 17:45

Me and DH have often commented on this when someone comes out with that line. I mean life is sometimes hard and yes we sometime argue. But I haven't found marriage hard. In fact having someone on your side makes things so much easier

MillshakePickle · 01/03/2024 17:47

It's hard when it's with the wrong person. It's hard when things change, it's hard when you both have to grow and adapt for those changes (mortgages, children, illness etc)

It's hard as you nature and grow as person if the other doesn't with you or if your values change.

There isn't one single answer.

Boomer55 · 01/03/2024 17:48

I was married twice. The first time for 30 years, which ended in divorce. The second for 20 years, which ended with my DH dying. Marriage, like life, can be hard, but the best marriages endure any stresses. 😉

puzzledout · 01/03/2024 17:50

Pludoniyum · 01/03/2024 17:41

No idea tbh. Married 15 years and very happy.

Married 36 years and the same..... awaits anger from others!

BMW6 · 01/03/2024 17:50

Because sometimes in a marriage you get on each other wick for a time and you ponder whether you actually still love them.

In those times you have to decide whether to split with all the difficulty that entails, or keep going in the hope that the bad time will pass and you will rediscover your love.

Some people will claim that they've never had a cross word and they are both still totally in love with each other. I think that's rarely completely true.

If my DH dies before me I would never get married (or have a bloke live with me) again. Because sustaining a relationship IS hard work often.

puzzledout · 01/03/2024 17:50

Thatsasfarasitgoes · 01/03/2024 17:43

I’ve been married nearly 30 years. It’s never been hard. It’s been an absolute joy and the best thing that’s ever happened to me. He makes me laugh every day. He’s the best man I’ve ever met and such a credit to his single mum.

Snap...... but 36 years...

So lovely you feel the same!

puzzledout · 01/03/2024 17:53

BMW6 · 01/03/2024 17:50

Because sometimes in a marriage you get on each other wick for a time and you ponder whether you actually still love them.

In those times you have to decide whether to split with all the difficulty that entails, or keep going in the hope that the bad time will pass and you will rediscover your love.

Some people will claim that they've never had a cross word and they are both still totally in love with each other. I think that's rarely completely true.

If my DH dies before me I would never get married (or have a bloke live with me) again. Because sustaining a relationship IS hard work often.

It's not really hard work!

I've been married 36 years and have cross words of course, but never the thought to walk away.

bellocchild · 01/03/2024 17:53

puzzledout · 01/03/2024 17:50

Snap...... but 36 years...

So lovely you feel the same!

54 years. Perfectly happy.

BeyondMyWits · 01/03/2024 17:53

Married 25 years and would say marriage is fairly easy if you are with someone you cherish.

puzzledout · 01/03/2024 17:54

@bellocchild oh my goodness I hope our health makes us reach the same 💖

Elphame · 01/03/2024 17:54

DP and I have been married almost 40 years now.

I can't say I've found it hard. He of course may think differently!

stargirl1701 · 01/03/2024 17:55

It's hard at certain points. Small children, elderly relatives, serious health issues, etc. But, that is life!

Gowlett · 01/03/2024 17:55

My DH is a difficult person, from a dysfunctional family.
It would be a lot easier if he was a more stable person…
Also, I was quite happily not-married before him. I think I’ll enjoy life after him, too. Whatever shape or form that may take.

NothingVenturedAndAllThat · 01/03/2024 17:56

Just wait, you'll find out 🤣
No but seriously, you're not always going to see eye to eye on everything. Perception is so subjective, too, which will mean that you might perceive a lack in some areas, or he might perceive a lack in some areas, and both or neither of you will be correct to some extent.

So then you have to negotiate that perception from an objective standpoint to ensure everyone's needs are being met and you might not have the capacity to give more of yourself.

Also, everyone likes to say marriages are 50/50, but that's the biggest crock of crap. Marriages are 50/50, 80/20, 100/0, and every iteration you can imagine. Spend enough seasons with someone and you'll see that energy levels, wellness, serious health conditions, mental health, workload, children - just about every variable you can think of - will alter the amount of effort you and your partner can put into the relationship and family more broadly. So then you have to learn to navigate a situation where you might be giving more, taking a broader view in the long term to make sure you're not just being perpetually exploited.

Marriages are practically complicated so they're going to be emotionally difficult. It helps enormously if you have similar systems of value in the first place, but none of us is ever identical. You'll rub up against friction sooner or later, and there isn't always an easy solution.

puzzledout · 01/03/2024 17:56

Elphame · 01/03/2024 17:54

DP and I have been married almost 40 years now.

I can't say I've found it hard. He of course may think differently!

I'm sure he doesn't Grin

TheYearOfSmallThings · 01/03/2024 17:56

Sharing a bathroom?

SecondChancesAtLife · 01/03/2024 17:57

I take it you’re not married op?😂

SomeCatFromJapan · 01/03/2024 17:58

I’ve been married nearly 30 years. It’s never been hard. It’s been an absolute joy and the best thing that’s ever happened to me. He makes me laugh every day. He’s the best man I’ve ever met

Same for me although it's been 15 years only. He makes my life better and easier every day. Being married to him is the opposite of hard.

MotherofGorgons · 01/03/2024 17:59

puzzledout · 01/03/2024 17:50

Married 36 years and the same..... awaits anger from others!

Why do you think anyone will be angry?

entropynow · 01/03/2024 17:59

Pludoniyum · 01/03/2024 17:41

No idea tbh. Married 15 years and very happy.

Wait til it's 40, mate. Mix in a special needs child, redundancy and precarious self employment whilst you're at it.