To ask, why do people say marriage is hard?

[chickpea1982]

Just as the title says really. I was just watching something on TV and someone said, "marriage is hard", and I wondered, "how is it hard?" So I thought I would ask for opinions!

i have never been married but when I was in a relationship with father of my DC I found it very hard. Never knowing what kind of mood he would be in, and once he got into a sulk it could go on for days. He once didn’t speak to me for 6wks. I found it really difficult living with him as it took me back to my childhood when I’d come home not knowing if my parent were going to be arguing (mum had mental health issues which massively impacted on many years of my childhood). So I think I reacted badly to his moodiness and it wasn’t a nice environment. Since it’s just been me, the kids and the dog, we have a harmonious household and despite two teens no arguing whatsoever. It’s important to me for my kids to never come home and wonder if there’s an atmosphere. I even get on with my ex much better these days. No-one is perfect and I was no saint but I think for me a relationship can be very hard. Great if you find marriage easy, probably means you’re married to someone who isn’t immature or abusive

@MotherofGorgons another example 🤷‍♀️

I think marriage is hard if you marry the wrong person. And unfortunately finding the right person is like trying to find a fart in a jacuzzi.

So lots of people settle for "good enough" and have to work hard to keep the relationship ticking over through all life's hardships. They're happy enough when life is smooth sailing, but when life gets hard, the marriage gets hard too. It's rare to find someone who just happens to dance to exactly the same drum as you in every single situation life might throw at you. Many aren't so lucky.

I don't find it hard with dh. I found it hard with my exh who never wanted to compromise, was always right, liked the sound of his own voice, had two affairs.... I think it's hard if you aren't with the right person and you yourself can't compromise or put the others persons wants first half the time ( in return for getting the same back)

I don’t find it hard either, but we have always been equal from childcare to chores and we both work and financially contribute, We also share the same values.

however I think many marriages are hard. Hence why so many divorces. As well as so many abusive marriages, or ones of convenience, where they both know it’s over, but they stay for the lifestyle.

So many start to resent each other, but again stay, money, division of labour , be it paid employment or housework, different social lives, and sex can be an issue, appearance changes, weight gain, personal grooming, appearance, lack of affection.

so for many I think it is hard, navigating, accepting compromise, overcoming resentment,disdain, lack of attraction.

I've been married the same length of time as you OP and like you never find it hard. Life has sometimes been hard in the 15 years we've been together - in that we've been through job loss/unemployment, mental health issues, recurrent miscarriage and (happily, but not always easy!), two children - but I can honestly say there has been nothing that would have been easier if not married, and a lot that would have been much harder without DH. But looking around me it's pretty obvious that a lot of the time people don't find this - that lots of people find their spouse adds to rather than lightens their load.

Well, in 16 years we’ve been through bereavement, redundancy, self employment challenges, and two house moves. We’ve set up a business, been landlords, had ill health in a close family member who lives 3 hours away.

maintaining a relationship, compromising, accommodating each other, allowing each other space to breathe, change, and grow all requires work and emotional intelligence. We’re very happy and we do that work and adjustment together, but it isn’t always easy.

I don’t get it either. Life is hard. Marriage is not. Unless you marry the wrong person. Then it is. We had 5 years infertility, death of a parent, other parent with MH problems and recurrent miscarriage. That was hard, but not my marriage.

Yes, 3 kids. They make life hard! I don't know how I'd manage without my husband. Though I do notice that, when he goes away for work occasionally, my life isn't very much harder...!

If you focus on all the little niggling bits, like compromising or pressure on your time or maybe just the fact that as you get older you & your partner change, then yes, I guess marriage can be hard.

But if you look at all good bits, like he gets up with the dog on a Sunday (DC are teenagers!) or wasting our time watching a mediocre movie and laugh about it, or just sharing bad times rather than being alone, then marriage is great.

One thing I have learnt after 20 odd years is, communication is key. You need to be able to tell your partner what pisses you off in the same way that you let them know what you like. If your partner does not listen or tell you things then your marriage is probably over.

Dh had severe and enduring mental health problems. I found marriage with the illness involved so hard at times it just meant putting one foot in front of the other. I thought of marriage at those times as a decision I made every morning, to do another day.

Oh well, that's good then! You must both must be very aligned :D

Marriage isn’t hard. Marriage to the wrong person is hard.

Marriage isn't hard as I've experienced it. With my husband 16 years and married for 8 so far. The relationship can be challenging when we disagree etc but it's not a hardship, we just figure it out.

I'm one of those women who initiated divorce. I had a shit marriage and I'm happier now, alone. I believe some marriages are good and make life easier and better - and that's how it should be.

I'm 20 years married and I've never found it hard being married but he truly is my other half , we've always had a very easy going relationship the whole time no matter what life has thrown at us that might be hard our marriage never has been

I've had two marriages. First one was hard because he was a complete arsehole and I wanted out. Second one is hard because he's absolutely lovely and I don't want to lose him.

You have to have hope, faith and trust in another human with marriage. And as we've all seen on here, that's hard because you never really know somebody and they can blindside you, fuck you over and tip your life upside down within a 5 minute conversation. Even if you've been happily married for decades. That hope is hard.

This is exactly how I feel about it.
Life gets bloody hard yes, but you’ve always got someone on your team against the rest of aresholes world

This is so lovely and I wish you many more tears of happiness!! Has it ever been hard through the 54 years or has it been continuously great? I just wonder if you had children and when they were little, how on earth did you manage to keep your relationship great?

I don't find my marriage at all hard.
Been together 52 years and married nearly 50 !! I can't believe where thevyears have gone and can't imagine my life without him.
Someone said to me that you have to work at marriage every minute.Eh ??
It shouldn't be that hard.She said it with clenched fists and her body language was that of control.
I am, well we are both very lucky to be in a happy successful marriage.
No disrespect to any parents, but we have no children, a traumatic miscarriage at 28, was the only pregnancy.
Because of this we've not had the pressures of parenthood and concentrate all our love on each other and our families.

Marriage shouldn’t be hard.

Well, happy marriages anyway.

I found marriage relatively easy for a long time, but throw in some severe mental health challenges for young adult kids and it put us under a lot of pressure. We were panicking and disagreeing about how to go forward, cue therapy for us as a couple and letting the health care professionals manage DC and us staying out of it (except financially, which was colossal) and we are motoring along again.

My DH makes me laugh every single day and we are generally on the same page about most life values.

But compromise can be challenging. And throw in illness, unemployment, financial difficulties and marriage can indeed be hard work.

I have little children and think my marriage is great - but I think that maybe another factor here is what people think a great relationship is? We've always been friends first and foremost - we've never been a couple that's much into romance, big gestures, etc. I have seen from friends that I think if that's the kind of relationship you really value then it is much harder when you have children because it's just so much harder to maintain. We've also always been as even as possible in how we split things and I also think that's helped a lot with the kids - but again the way we've done things (shared parental leave, both going part-time) isn't how a lot of couples want to operate. It all looks a lot harder to me if you do a 'traditional' split but obviously lots of people think the opposite.

Two things can be true at the same time.
You can be very happy, have no regrets etc and still find it hard at times.
Much like being a mother.

To me there's no comparison - of course being a mother is hard at times because it entails a lot of work. Quantifiable, often exhausting work - work that you have to pay someone else to do if neither parent is doing it. Childcare is a profession. I honestly don't know what the comparative work is of being married - there are no professional wives!