To have told my niece she won’t make it into Oxford uni?

[Awfulaunt]

Hi all,
first off sorry if there’s typos I’m typing this on my phone.
for context, I’ve been a private tutor for years, mainly English and History. Over the years I’ve helped with lots of UCAS and applications including a few oxbridge ones. My niece is at the age where she’s thinking about uni and her parents asked me to tutor her for English and History, I agreed. She is bright, gets Bs and the occasional A or C. She asked me if I think she should apply to Oxford and I said “No not for your undergrad. Maybe if you work really really hard at uni and do extracurriculars and things while you’re there and come out with a first you could try for your masters if you want to do one, but it’s not really an option at this moment in time.” All seemed fine, we carried on and she seemed okay. Fast forward to now and I just had SIL on the phone shouting at me that I crushed her dreams and that she was going to apply and get in and show me (etc). I said I’d love it if she did, I’d be absolutely thrilled if she got in to spite me.
I don’t think I was harsh when I told her, I don’t think it was cruel. I think it’s kind of my job to tell her. I didn’t rule it out in the future because I feel like once she’s at uni she will flourish academically because she will have more freedom etc and I’ve told her this many times. I feel horrible that I’ve upset her but I genuinely think it was the right thing to do.
I sent her a message saying I am sorry if I came off harsh or anything I just want what is best for her. Also spoke to DB who said SIL was just angry because niece was upset and that he thinks I did the right thing. Bit miffed that he let her speak to me like that, but also when she goes off best thing to do is stay out the crossfire.
Am I in the wrong and just blind to it?

They should be grateful to have an involved Auntie who is able to offer informed advice. Chances are her own school would have told the niece at some point that Oxford is unlikely.

Only dozens?

Snow plough parents love to remove every obstacle from their child's path in life, but then come up against the hard reality that what the top universities are interested in, is selecting student who are problem solvers, which little poppet isn't because all problems have been removed from their path.

Yanbu op. ‘Crushing of dreams’ 😂

Dreams need to align with what is attainable. Oxbridge look for a special stamp of academic brilliance, I’ve already explained that to my year 10 dd. She’s very academic but unless something hugely changes she won’t deliver what they are looking for at interview.

Success in life is about dreams and reality merging, sad but true.

@Hollowgast
I'm ashamed to say that I was one of those parents. I told DS not to bother applying because he didn't have a clean sweep of grade 9s at GCSE and, in my head, it was for ultra brilliant posh folk. He ignored me, applied anyway , and was accepted. I believe now that the biggest barrier to admission is not having the confidence to apply in the first place.

I did not make it clear in my previous post that my son did get into Oxford.
According to him, the PAT test (Maths and Physics) he had to sit were much more challenging than his A level Maths and Physics exams.
Also, he had to do 3(or 4?) interviews - which were also very tough (compared to interviews at other leading Universities) - he was convinced after 2 of them that he had messed up and would not be getting in.. In fact he did not get an offer from the College of his choice - but thankfully was made one by another College and had to interview for them as well..
He is home for end of term and I asked him how it felt being at Oxford. He has several friends attending other top (mostly London) Universities and having discussed his course with theirs, he just sees Oxford as very good Uni - just like the ones his friends are attending....

It’s not about lacking brilliance - there could be many reasons why the niece got Bs and Cs in her GCSEs. (An A in music, but apparently she is not taking that forward).

It’s about the timing of the admissions process and the LACK OF EVIDENCE, at this point, to demonstrate that she would be suitable.

With the best will in the world, universities do not have time to review every student who doesn’t have the grades on paper, but might be an undiscovered gem.

I don’t see how OP could have crushed her dreams by simply saying she didn’t think she’d get in to Oxford. If that’s all it took to dash her dreams then that’s probably a characteristic Oxford is not looking for. The mum is the issue here, and the niece’s lack of conviction, not the OP.

Exactly right, someone who is determined would use it as a motivation.

And you had such motivation when you were 17/18 that the verdict of “expert” adults went right over your head?

Nope, didn't go right over my head. Quite the opposite, spurred me on to prive her wrong. My school careers adviser explicitly told me not to bother applying for Law and not to bother applying for the leading University in Law.

I was the same as you.
I was always clever though, but had a baby at 19 (planned, because I was 19 and knew better than anyone else!). Everyone said I’d ruined my life. Used that as my motivation to finish my law degree and training contract while renovating a house I’d bought with my then boyfriend, now husband.

Everyone said “you’ll never be able to manage uni with a baby” - I did.

Then everyone said “you’ll never be able to buy a house with a baby” - me and my DH did.

Then everyone said “you’ll never be able to work as a lawyer with a baby” - I did.

Then everyone said “you’ll never be able to travel the world with a young child” - we did.

Then everyone said “you’ll never be able to make your relationship work, you’re too young and there’s too much pressure with the baby” - we did (married 19 yrs).

I am glad everyone - I mean everyone - told me I couldn’t do stuff as it motivated me. Now I just don’t listen to anyone 😂

But yeah, anyone doubting your post is just like one of those naysayers that I look back on now with a mixture of
pity for them, but gratitude they inspired me to be motivated and not like them.