Third child or divorce AIBU

[Stephjea]

Hello all,

This is a long one so please bare with me.

My whole life I have wanted daughters. I can remember being a little girl picturing my adult life with 3 daughters by my side.

Fast forward and of course it's sods law that I have ended up with two boys (who I absolutely adore and wouldn't change for the world).

However, this longing for a daughter has not and will not ever go away.

I am now 35 and desperately want to try for a third.

My husband is point blank refusing - according to him due to financial, emotional and logistical concerns.

I appreciate the first 3 years will be tough but I can only see passed this and my longing for a daughter.

I am absolutely broken and just can't see how we can get passed this.

I don't want to break up my family and don't want to put my children through divorce but can't see how I am going to move on from this.

I feel absolute resentment towards my husband and I spend my days crying. I just can't accept I will never have a daughter of my own.

Please no comments on trying for a third won't guarantee a daughter - I know this and don't need to hear it.

To add some back story. My husband is a few years older than me and wanted children before me. I wanted to wait a few years before having our first but understood his want and need to have one there and then. I feel like I compromised for him but now he won't for me, which adds to my resentment.

AIBU to be so disappointed and resentful that my husband won't budge for something that means the absolute world to me?

I appreciate I can't force someone to have a child and appreciate his concerns are equally valid. But right now all I feel like doing is leaving him which I can't and won't do due to my boys.

OP I understand how you feel. My first born was girl and I was over the moon, I had wanted a girl and was so excited. Unfortunately she passed away during labour and was stillborn. I went on to have DS1 a year later and then earlier this year DS2. I was desperate for DS2 to be a girl. I felt my daughter had been snatched from me and I wanted another one so badly. I wanted to use some of my daughter’s clothes, maybe the same middle name and I felt that another daughter would somehow be a comfort to me. When we found out DS2 was a boy, I cried my eyes out in the scan and was terribly upset for about a month afterwards.

DS arrived and is just the best thing ever, I wouldn’t change him for the world now. The intensity of those feelings did fade although I still have those pangs of wishing for a girl and i’d consider another baby but DH is adamant we’re done for many rational and sensible reasons and I won’t force him as deep down I know hes right.

Some have said that therapy would help you understand why you are desperate for a girl and work through those feelings. I couldn’t agree more. I know why I was so desperate and they’re different reasons to you but I think your first step is to talk to someone and unpick this need and process your emotions. Then have a rational conversation with your DH. But you need to put that work in first. It sounds like you want to maybe make up for the relationship you had with your own mother and that’s not exactly the best reason to have another baby in my view.

I don't know where to begin with this, but I'll try
The husband doesn't want a third child.
His reasons for not wanting one are all perfectly reasonable, the main one being financial.

We don't know if the OP works, but if she doesn't then adding a third child places a huge burden on the husband. It will place a huge burden on the family regardless in terms of resources emotionl, physical and financial, so yes it is selfish.

(((Shefliesonherownwings)))

I agree that some sort of counselling would be helpful to the op. Your post was heartfelt and lovely.

Yes, many, many people don't get the family they wanted. Most of them are grown up enough to realise that is how life works and deal with it. Not saying they are broken and crying every day and unable to get over it.

I would say seek some counselling OP.

This is absolutely dreadful behaviour towards your poor DH. I am gobsmacked reading it, it’s that bad. Imagine if this was a man to a woman. Have we regressed back in time 70 years ago where people thought sexes of babies were important? To divorce a good man and upheave the stability of your family because you want a girl? Your poor poor family. You get over this with counselling and put your actual babies you do have over your fantasy idea that having a girl is going to magically change your life for the better. YADBVU.

You can divorce for any reason you choose. Your happiness matter too. Why should his happiness override yours?

I have never let another human control my fertility. I would 100% tell him what my plans are to come off birth control and let him come up with a solution to solve this issue. It may be divorce is a solution.

Trying or not Trying to get another baby is not a one person decision.

Well this is how I feel.

I compromised in many ways.

I wanted marriage before children which was met with a definite no. I wanted to wait longer for children which would have meant him leaving me at the time.

Perhaps that adds to the resentment.

I'm sure I will be told that the above are all trivial but in my mind they were important to me and I compromised.

Now the shoe is on the other foot...it's a blanket no (again).

I had said 2-3 children prior to starting a family and made clear I longed for a girl.

Why do you want a girl so much @Stephjea?
You may not get the girly girl that you envisage. What if your daughter turns out to be a tomboy and not want to do girly things with you?

😂
what the OP doesn’t realise is this is no less rational an idea than all of hers (genetic selection / adoption with a preference etc).

I have a close relationship with my mum. We do things together that my brother doesn’t. I see this dynamic in most of the relationships I know.

But I would ensure I was having a girl - within reason and won't be going in to detail.

Well, it’s clearly gender-selective IVF.

I find the idea of a baby girl ‘to order’ really repulsive. Stomach-churningly so.

You need to find a way to get over this obsession for a girl, or it's going to cause your boys serious damage. Right now, you're looking at three possible outcomes for your sons futures:

• You continue obsessing over having a girl. Your sons catch on, and suddenly their mental health will be trashed because, no matter how much you try and convince them otherwise, they'll always feel inferior because you wanted a girl instead of them
• You have a girl, whether that's with your DH or someone else. Inevitably, no matter how much you'll convince yourself it won't happen, you'll be so elated to have your girl that you will sideline your boys. You'll still love them, but they'll always be second in line. They will notice, and it'll make them feel like shit. It will affect your relationship with them no matter how much you try to make sure it doesn't
• You accept you have two amazing children and move on. Your boys have a loving mother and you have a close relationship with them. Perhaps one day you might have a granddaughter you can dote on and have a special nanny-granddaughter relationship with

Please don't pick options 1 or 2. My own mother didn't want my brother because she was obsessed with having a girl. My brother is amazing, but will always suffer significant mental health issues as a result. My mother and I aren't close in the way you dream of a mother-daughter bond because I am old enough now to be thoroughly unimpressed with how she treated my brother. Don't let that be you. It won't work out how your imagine it will.

You do know the sex of your baby is determined by the sperm don't you? So if you already have boys....

However, I have a fourteen year old girl who called me a cunt tonight so you are welcome to her. She was a lovely child and now I am having to find somewhere to hide her confiscated phone and think up another punishment that isn't actually one for me.

Cherish your boys.

Your husband sounds like a twat too, but that’s probably another thread.

”No, I’m no marrying you. And if you don’t get pregnant now, I’m leaving you.”

🖕🏻

I know someone who had 8 sons. And a few people who have got 4 boys. Your third child might be another boy. Your 4th child might be another boy. You could divorce your husband, have another kid with so random man and.....it might be another boy. Time to grow up little girl.

I know it's not helpful, but your husband sounds like a total asshole. I really hate that in this day and age that some men think they can dictate everything in a relationship.

I'm sorry you're married to a total asshole, you have my sympathy x

Not quite as harsh as this but yes marriage before children was out of the question as was waiting 5 years to have children.

I chose to leave all of this out of the post because it is something that I was happy to compromise on at the time and felt no resentment. I understood how he felt and could see it from his perspective - he's 7 years older than me so was the age I am now when we had our eldest. My son's are 5 & 7. I know a few people have asked.

It is only now that it's me who is longing a child that I feel I am the only one compromising and feel resentment.

And yes, having a child isn't something to be taken lightly and not wanting one for whatever reason is perfectly valid. I know you can't force this on someone but it hurts nonetheless - I would never "accidentally" fall pregnant as some have suggested.

Really, I had no idea. I'm a Foster Carer and they ask you which sex you'd prefer to foster. I thought it would be the same for adoption particularly as a friend has an adopted DC and she said she'd like a boy and was given a boy.

Weird post.

Well the sex attacks were 20yrs ago and girls are much more vulnerable to this kind of thing than boys. My son didn’t want a lift anyway, he walked even when his sister started at the school. She also has permanently low iron which has required a full blood transfusion and it’s a very steep hill fully enclosed by woods not just a small section. I told my boys to walk the long way round but none wanted to. So very difficult circumstances and not because I wanted a girl so decided to give her preferential treatment.

Girls are at risk in many situations much more than boys, you know there’s no signs on the tube telling girls that it’s inappropriate to rub up against the opposite sex. Women and girls are more vulnerable in many situations and as a parent you do distinguish between genders for this kind of thing. If you think boys have the same risk for sex attacks then you need to take a look at statistics. My son has a lift to activities in the evening when it’s dark due to the area he goes to and fact I think it’s risky a boy walking through that area in backstreets that he insist on cutting through. It’s all swings and roundabouts with kids and ridiculous to suggest I’m giving preferential treatment (that’s not justified). My boys have both said to me I’m right to not let her walk through the woods in the morning so not like they sit there thinking they are hard done by 🙄

Boys and girls might both have a risk of being mugged of their belongings, boys don’t have the same risk of being raped or sexually assaulted. If you they do then there’s a lot of stats that will show you otherwise, it’s ridiculous to suggest a boy has the same risk of a sex attack (which is specifically what I’m trying to avoid). I don’t wrap them up in cotton wool but I don’t feel comfortable sending my daughter through a full on wooded area in the dark mornings, especially when our local commons have signs up warning about a local man with mental health issues who is exposing himself to women. She has also has health issues and would struggle to walk up the hill. But if people want to change the narrative to show I’m favouring my daughter over my son’s go for it. I am well aware of the risks boys face which is why I pay for his Uber’s at Uni so he isn’t walking home late at night

Definitely preferential treatment, that's why I had to flag this up. That's very wrong.

Haha, that's exactly what I am like. My DM only has one daughter, and I have never been girly. I won't be moulded into a stereotype and wear pink. Never did as a kid.

It's a fantasy world OP. Watch Barbie to get your pink fix. At least that is guaranteed.