Third child or divorce AIBU

[Stephjea]

Hello all,

This is a long one so please bare with me.

My whole life I have wanted daughters. I can remember being a little girl picturing my adult life with 3 daughters by my side.

Fast forward and of course it's sods law that I have ended up with two boys (who I absolutely adore and wouldn't change for the world).

However, this longing for a daughter has not and will not ever go away.

I am now 35 and desperately want to try for a third.

My husband is point blank refusing - according to him due to financial, emotional and logistical concerns.

I appreciate the first 3 years will be tough but I can only see passed this and my longing for a daughter.

I am absolutely broken and just can't see how we can get passed this.

I don't want to break up my family and don't want to put my children through divorce but can't see how I am going to move on from this.

I feel absolute resentment towards my husband and I spend my days crying. I just can't accept I will never have a daughter of my own.

Please no comments on trying for a third won't guarantee a daughter - I know this and don't need to hear it.

To add some back story. My husband is a few years older than me and wanted children before me. I wanted to wait a few years before having our first but understood his want and need to have one there and then. I feel like I compromised for him but now he won't for me, which adds to my resentment.

AIBU to be so disappointed and resentful that my husband won't budge for something that means the absolute world to me?

I appreciate I can't force someone to have a child and appreciate his concerns are equally valid. But right now all I feel like doing is leaving him which I can't and won't do due to my boys.

One minute you have a cat, next you don't. You really are confused!

I have an older cat from before I met my husband. I have never said I don't. I wanted a second cat and my husband refused.

So sorry you lost your daughter.

It sounds like your husband dictates all the big decisions in your life, I think that is something you should explore in therapy.

Marriage is about compromise. You've compromised on a lot of things that are not minor. What has he compromised on? He's told you he'd leave you if you didn't have kids at X point? Those are things you should be working on with your marriage and think joint therapy would help.

Even if it is a theoretical scenario I would play out what a divorce would look like (selling family home, could you afford to stay in the same area, potentially 50/50 custody with your boys who may resent you eventually for ending your marriage, maybe having a girl via IVF/sperm donor who would be 100 percent yours, maybe eventually meeting someone else). Even have a one off meeting with a divorce solicitor so you'd get an idea of your settlement. I would work it all through just to see how you feel about that life.

I think feeling that you have a choice and you are actively staying in your marriage as overall that's better for you would help you find peace, or alternatively you may decide to make a different choice. I think the fact that the marriage has been quite transactional at times (ie he threatened to leave if you didn't have kids at X point) then naturally opens things up to you thinking that way as well.

There has not been an answer about why the OP is so desperate for a daughter. What is it about having a daughter that will give her more than having two sons?
What is the gap in her life?

What do you imagine you will have from a girl that you can’t have with a boy?

Some daughters have awful relationships with their mothers. My best friend from school was much closer to her dad than her mum, spent more time hanging out with him than her mum, certainly wouldn’t have gone on shopping days, coffee with her. It wasn’t that she didn’t like her but those sort of things were not for her.

How would you cope if your daughter favoured your DH over you?

Do you dream about being the mother of the bride, what if she never gets married?

If you had 2 girls instead of 2 boys would you have tried for a third child? Or would you have stopped because you had all that you ever wanted

You really need to get some counselling. If you're "broken" and "spend your days crying" then you need help. You may not want to divorce, but you'll end up breaking up your family with your unreasonableness.

You seem to be dismissing therapy without being willing to try it, maybe because you want to wallow in your own misery and want to "punish" your DH for his refusal to have a third.

I think you should seek one to one counselling to work through your feelings. I’m not sure unqualified strangers on the internet can really deliver what you need.

Imagine how your sons would feel growing up knowing you broke up their family because you wanted a daughter more than you wanted them.

Imagine how they’re feeling now knowing you’re crying because they’re not what you really want.

You will be doing irreparable harm to your poor sons if you carry on like this. You need to find a way to get over it.

You cannot and should not try to force your husband to have another baby this way.

I do feel like major decisions have been somewhat dictated and you are tight this is something that needs addressing.

Just to clarify, my husband threatened to "break up" prior to being my husband and prior to having to children because he wanted to start a family sooner rather than later. He felt, being older, that time wasn't on his side.
I wanted marriage first and children perhaps 5 years down the line. I conceded and understood and validated his points at the time. I wasn't resentful. It was my choice to make and I made it.

I do still feel like it is me making the concessions the vast majority of the time.

If you're spending your days crying OP (as you said yourself) then whether your boys see that actual crying or not, they are being directly affected because their mum is unwell.

I really think counselling needs to be the first step here because even if he changed his mind tomorrow (I know he won't, but hypothetically) the wounds you're trying to heal with a daughter are obviously very deep so need to be tackled.

We earn £200,000-250,000 between us.

And you want people to 'bare with you'? Fucking hell, why did I bother going to school?

I'm guessing if your dh is so adamant that he doesn't want a third child that he is booked in for the snip?

Boatload of assumptions there. Could be gay. Could be childfree/less. Could be determinedly single. Children do not exist to produce grandchildren.

Someone up thread has made a good point, even if you have a daughter there's no guarantee she'll marry. DH's sister is single, has no interest in having a partner, getting married and doesn't want children. She doesn't like them. She's mid 40s now. I would imagine that MIL is disappointed that she has a daughter who didn't live up to usual expectations of a daughter.

You chose to have kids when you had them. That doesn't mean he owes you another kid now. You were whining about not being allowed a cat, then later revealed you already have a cat...
He wanted kids before he got too old, now you're surprised he doesn't want to start over with a new baby when he's 7 years older at 42? You're being massively unreasonable.
Kids and pets should really be something you are in agreement on from the start otherwise you end up in a mess like this...

Here is my first post regarding cats "Not allowed a second cat either. I wouldn't want a dog at this stage in our lives."

I have never said I don't have a cat. I think my mention of a SECOND cat makes it clear I have one.

I have also said, that fair enough, he didn't want a cat. I accepted and moved on. Absolutely not a big deal. Just wanted to point out this wasn't an option either.

I have wanted a third since my second was 1 or 2 and he kept putting if off saying "not right now".

I told him I wanted a daughter before we started a family.

It is now that I am begining to feel that it's now or never, that I feel shattered.

It also now that he has said it will never happen.

Maybe he doesn't want to start over with all the lack of sleep etc? The cost of nursery? I can't blame him there. Your kids are getting easier now.

Maybe he doesn't want to start over with all the lack of sleep etc?

I think this is often the main reason why people don't want more children. They simply don't want to go back to that stage of life.

Just supposing the OP gets her own way, I envisage her doing all the care and extra work involved. The husband would just say "you wanted the child, I didn't and I'm not supporting you". That sounds extreme, but unfortunately I know a few women that this has happened to.

@Stephjea you can cry and stamp your feet and say "I want" as much as you like, but as I used to say to DD when she was little - "I want" doesn't get.

Oh OK. I'm confused now because you wrote this:

'Puppies and cats very much not allowed either. Not that I want either. I did want a cat for a while. But accepted he doesn't want one.'

This isn't about her wanting more children.
She specifically wants a girl.

Yes, these are his concerns which I've said are valid.

But you specifically want a girl though. Can you explain why?

He doesn't have to agree to a 3rd child just becuase you want one. You seem like you'll never be happy tbh. One cat not enough. 2 kids not enough. Boys not good enough.
A daughter is not something you tell someone you want and expect them to provide. Human beings should be produced to order.

So what are you going to do OP?