Third child or divorce AIBU

[Stephjea]

Hello all,

This is a long one so please bare with me.

My whole life I have wanted daughters. I can remember being a little girl picturing my adult life with 3 daughters by my side.

Fast forward and of course it's sods law that I have ended up with two boys (who I absolutely adore and wouldn't change for the world).

However, this longing for a daughter has not and will not ever go away.

I am now 35 and desperately want to try for a third.

My husband is point blank refusing - according to him due to financial, emotional and logistical concerns.

I appreciate the first 3 years will be tough but I can only see passed this and my longing for a daughter.

I am absolutely broken and just can't see how we can get passed this.

I don't want to break up my family and don't want to put my children through divorce but can't see how I am going to move on from this.

I feel absolute resentment towards my husband and I spend my days crying. I just can't accept I will never have a daughter of my own.

Please no comments on trying for a third won't guarantee a daughter - I know this and don't need to hear it.

To add some back story. My husband is a few years older than me and wanted children before me. I wanted to wait a few years before having our first but understood his want and need to have one there and then. I feel like I compromised for him but now he won't for me, which adds to my resentment.

AIBU to be so disappointed and resentful that my husband won't budge for something that means the absolute world to me?

I appreciate I can't force someone to have a child and appreciate his concerns are equally valid. But right now all I feel like doing is leaving him which I can't and won't do due to my boys.

Thank you

Wonderful to read a perspective from a man. It may indeed be cliché but it does give insight.

I do feel he doesn't quite grasp how strongly I feel about this.

Finances is only one reason. We have gone over this and even if we could afford a child he still wouldn't want one - I have vaguely covered this in my original post.

I did try to keep to the emotions for this one so as to not go off topic.

I was in the same position as you, except I didn’t feel as strongly. But I had always wanted a girl.

I wouldn’t have left my husband over it because I know that research shows divorce is damaging to children, and I didn’t want to do that to my sons.

In my case I did have nieces.

Yep! ⬆️🤦‍♀️

Maybe I'm in a minority here but I'm wondering what's wrong with going for gender selective IVF if you do really want a girl?

A former colleague of mine had a late miscarriage of a girl and then went on to have 2 boys with her DH, she then in her 40's had her daughter but she'd always really wanted a daughter, I have no idea if she did gender selective IVF with her daughter though, she did not do this with the sons.

I can completely sympathise with how you feel!!! I have no advice at all but I’ve felt this. I’ve always always longed for a daughter. My 2 boys are effect in every way don’t get me wrong but ever since I was young I’ve been desperate to have a daughter!

Maybe I'm in a minority here but I'm wondering what's wrong with going for gender selective IVF if you do really want a girl

Because her husband doesn't want a 3rd child regardless of whether its a boy or girl

True. But why does it have to be his choice only?

My husband is point blank refusing - according to him due to financial, emotional and logistical concerns.

I'm not surprised. He probably knows that if you get a third boy you'll go into a massive depression over it and start whining and pleading for a fourth try.

I know you said you don't want to hear about the risks of having a third boy, but the simple fact is that you have a 50% chance of that happening. What then? Where will it stop? I know someone who ended up with six boys because she felt exactly like you. She never did get a girl and I always feel sorry for her last four boys because they were clearly surplus to requirement.

At 35 there's no guarantee you'll find someone else half decent in time to have another baby with anyway. You don't want to be flinging yourself at any man who'll have you just so you can get knocked up at the first opportunity. To allow an otherwise good marriage to break down just because of this is very, very unfair on your two sons, as is rushing into having a baby with someone new or on your own. Both those scenarios will have a negative impact on your boys. Their happiness and wellbeing and their right to live with their father deserves to be put ahead of your osessive desire for a daughter.

Focus on raising your sons as good men, and chances are you will get at least one lovely daughter-in-law to enjoy when they are adults.

I have two daughters, we would have liked a son but it would hugely negatively impact our daughters to go for a third (financially, emotional bandwidth, time etc). I like to think I’ll have at least one lovely son-in-law and perhaps a strapping grandson or two to enjoy in future.

My friends mum kept trying for a girl and ended up with 5 boys before she gave up.

I understand how you feel to some degree as I was devastated my partner didn't want a third child. It almost broke us up. But ultimately there is just no way you can guarantee a girl. Im sorry

You need to be pretty behind bringing an actual person into the world. Fs, give me strength

Doesn't the % actually rise if you have already had boys?

I think you need to up your dosage. That’s insane. Your husband has made points on financial and other elements where its not feasible to have another child ( boy or girl). Listen to him.

This.

But I’d also love to here from the boys in families where their mother always wanted a girl and then had one and the girl in families where their father always wanted a boy then had one.

I bet they wouldn’t be agreeing with IVF to select a gender.

I’m curious OP as to what you want or envision about having a girl? No judgement from me, I’d always imagined and wanted 4 little boys and I’m ashamed at how disappointed I felt when I found out my second was a girl. I got over it after a week or so but you have to almost grieve the life you imagined and focus on the one in front of you. I then felt further grief (and this has been harder to get over) that a third pregnancy would be very dangerous for me so I’ve had to completely reimagine my future as a mum of two. It sounds ridiculous written down but I completely understand how hard it is to let go of the future you imagined.

No need to be rude. I do know it takes two, in this case unless OP F's off and finds another man or sperm donor.

Because the person who doesn't want one always wins that discussion. If he doesn't want another baby then he can take steps to ensure it never happens

Read any thread on here about someone wanting another child or pet & it's always agreed if someone doesn't want something you can't force them

I always wanted at least 6-8- boys i stopped at 2 boys.
They are my world very much wanted its nice to no im the only girl in my home.
No stealing my things yep im queen.
I do have a wonderful soon to be daughter inlaw.
Be happy with what you do have not what you dont have but your sons will pick up on it and think they was never wanted.

True dat.

Please no comments on trying for a third won't guarantee a daughter - I know this and don't need to hear it

I know you said this, but you also said what your earn collectively.

You can travel to Europe and do gender selection. It isn't beyond the realms of possibility. I've friends who did just that.

Your husband would need to be onboard though.

Doesn't the % actually rise if you have already had boys?

I think it does yes, but I wasn't sure enough to state it as a fact.

Yes. I tried not to cover this topic too much because (as has already happened) the post will become about how ethical this is.

But I would ensure I was having a girl - within reason and won't be going in to detail.

The issue is he doesn't want a third, not he doesn't want a daughter.

The posts about how my sons may feel "less that" after having a girl are helping me overcome my grief. I would never want to hurt them in any way. As are the posts regarding the pressure the girl may feel (although I can guarantee there would be no pressure from me)

No problem. Felt it might help.

He probably doesn't grasp it, and he might never grasp it. He can appreciate it but will never understand fully. Just like how we will never understand what it's like to physically bear a child. We just aren't built the same mentally. You might have to come to terms with this. Equally, you may not be able to fully grasp his mindset - we have a habit of sounding like logical creatures when we communicate but he may be quite torn himself and it's worth bearing that in mind.

Your feelings are justified because you feel them. Other people may say they are unreasonable and what you then choose to do and say off the back of them may become unreasonable, but the feelings are yours.

I found the wording interesting when you said "feel like leaving". That tells me that you really really don't want to but the desperation is such that your brain is forcing you to think of every way around the situation.

I'd sit and talk to someone (about the desperation, not DH's reluctance - keep engaging him about that if you don't have all the answers you seek) who's not a family member or mutual friend about it and get another perspective, as a view to the therapy angle.

Best of luck to you, DH, and lovely boys.

As an aside...i really wanted a 2nd child, preferably a daughter with my ex partner. I have a beautiful boy who I love very much - but i have eventually come to terms with the fact I may never have any more, which I actually found very difficult. The problem was very much in my own head on how I dreamed my life would be from a very young age. It can be hard to let that go.

@Dottytea IVF is like a rollercoaster - highs, lows and very hard to get off.

It’s physically, emotionally and financially, draining. However, it did work in the end for me. If you have children already, I do not see why you would put yourself through it to be honest …

I know you don't want to hear it but I'm going to tell you anyway - My aunt wanted a boy ... she had five girls first!!

Divorce won't get you a girl either so don't go down that route unless you've got other good reasons.

Enjoy your boys - and who knows what the future will bring.