Third child or divorce AIBU

[Stephjea]

Hello all,

This is a long one so please bare with me.

My whole life I have wanted daughters. I can remember being a little girl picturing my adult life with 3 daughters by my side.

Fast forward and of course it's sods law that I have ended up with two boys (who I absolutely adore and wouldn't change for the world).

However, this longing for a daughter has not and will not ever go away.

I am now 35 and desperately want to try for a third.

My husband is point blank refusing - according to him due to financial, emotional and logistical concerns.

I appreciate the first 3 years will be tough but I can only see passed this and my longing for a daughter.

I am absolutely broken and just can't see how we can get passed this.

I don't want to break up my family and don't want to put my children through divorce but can't see how I am going to move on from this.

I feel absolute resentment towards my husband and I spend my days crying. I just can't accept I will never have a daughter of my own.

Please no comments on trying for a third won't guarantee a daughter - I know this and don't need to hear it.

To add some back story. My husband is a few years older than me and wanted children before me. I wanted to wait a few years before having our first but understood his want and need to have one there and then. I feel like I compromised for him but now he won't for me, which adds to my resentment.

AIBU to be so disappointed and resentful that my husband won't budge for something that means the absolute world to me?

I appreciate I can't force someone to have a child and appreciate his concerns are equally valid. But right now all I feel like doing is leaving him which I can't and won't do due to my boys.

The fact you would end your marriage over this and put your boys through that. Get a grip

OP, I was desperate for another child after our DD was born. DH was adamant he didn’t want another. I found it very, very hard to accept. But I knew my choices were stay together and accept no more DC — or split up and have another DC (via IVF) if possible, but go it alone. I opted for the first and in time, I came to terms with it. I don’t feel any pain or resentment now, and am very grateful for what I do have, rather than thinking about what I don’t. I didn’t get there immediately but I did get there. Hopefully you can too…

Op, this isn't really about whether you will have a daughter or not because I think you know you have no control over that. Your husband has also made it clear no more children. Which as you know is his right.

I think you are looking for opinions and maybe to confirm that the above is true. I also think you are hurting so much that you want someone to understand how you feel. I know it feels like such a loss and it is, there's obviously milestones with daughters you wanted to have.

I think therapy would really help you because you are in so much pain and I can see that. Do engage with it, I think it would help unravel a lot of the pain you are feeling. You sound like you have a good family.

Thank you for taking the time to post. These comments help

What if it's twin boys?

Your replies are very "me, me, me. I want this and don't care what anyone else thinks"

You can't understand your husband doesn't want a 3rd child

You can't understand there's a difference between "we both WANT children, just at different times but I'll go with your time frame because I still get a child" and "I want a child but you don't and you should give in to me!"

You can't see that if you are making such a fuss about wanting a girl that you CRY about it and make a post which at least a little bit suggests you'll divorce your husband then your children will work out and realise they aren't good enough for you

You can't see that you talk about this Dream of having 3 girls in a way that makes it sound like you don't want the boys

Seriously. Therapy.

This is similar to my situation I wanted a girl I looked at gender selection but what if something happened to me who would look after my boys or if something happened to the baby my boys would miss out on time with me. I fully believe if it was meant to be it would of happened & that’s coming from some one who cried when I found out my youngest was a boy (no I wouldn’t change him for the world but gender disappointment is real) I’ve come to terms with it now it’s took a while but my boys are my world and i wouldn’t jeopardise being with them for anything another labour may not be straight forward another baby may tip me & there father over the edge & then my boys wouldn’t have that family unit they love there’s lots of things too think of not just you want a girl unfortunately it doesn’t just work that way otherwise many moms would have one of each

You need to grieve your loss, and I think therapy might really help you with that process. Working through your emotions, their roots and the resentment that you are feeling is important so that you can move forwards, and that your marriage and family can be happy.

Please don't think that adoption might be a possible way to guarantee a child of one gender or another. Adoption is a whole different kettle of fish, and would not be an option for you in your circumstances. Another poster talked about the pressure she felt in trying to be her mother's longed for daughter- children need to be able to be themselves, not completing their parents vision.

It sounds like you have two wonderful boys, a good husband and a good income between you - you could be living your best lives. Try to find some peace.

What is your plan if you don't have a daughter and it's another boy? Will you then divorce with three children in tow?
You won't have the dream of three adult daughters, you have two sons. Maybe you need some counselling if you are crying every day over this

Thank you Ella for acknowledging that's it's not as black and white as some harsher posters seem to believe

OP I think there is a difference between longing for a 3rd child and longing for a girl. It would really help for us to understand where this longing comes from (and how reasonable you are being) if you would be willing to give us some context on why you want a girl specifically.

I once worked with a woman whose parents really wanted a girl. She had 8 (yes EIGHT) older brothers (plus two younger brothers).

Thank you. It is very real

@Stephjea You're having a hard time here due to people not having read all of your posts and the provocative thread title that has garnered so much attention.

For what it's worth, I think your first step should be some therapy to help you understand why you have this longing for a girl and why you believe that you'd stop at 3 if the next one was a boy. I think you'd benefit from it.
I know you've said that you don't think you will, but if it helps smooth the relationship with your husband then surely it's worth giving it a good go.

Wishing you every happiness, in time.

Thank you. Your posts and the ones you mention really do help.

Really, really, try and put things in perspective if you can. You are very lucky to have two healthy boys and a husband. Your husband isn’t being unreasonable.
My dear sister died of metastatic breast cancer when she was around your age . Previously, she had been through several miscarriages trying to have a family and had carried them to about 23 weeks or thereabouts. She would have loved to have a healthy family and a healthy long life and she wouldn’t have cared whether she had borne girls or boys.

I just wanted to bring a bit of nuance to this for DH's sake as well, as a viewpoint that's not been talked about.

Us men tend to think very differently and experience things very differently. We can feel unrequited longing and desire but rarely in the same context as women and so we can struggle to understand the all encompassing nature of the 'feel' of something similar to what you're going through. I hope that's not too controversial a statement and the gist of what I am saying is understood.

It's not an unfair observation to say that economically you are in a decent place, but if there is reluctance on his side, have you asked him why? Is there an opportunity to sit down and look at the maths of it; maybe he has a set idea for retirement or doesn't want to pay for 3 lots of university fees. If you can get some concrete clarity here that will help you understand his side a bit more. Also, if you crunch the numbers in black and white together then you get the opportunity to discuss it. Once you know where you stand on this, you might find there's another issue lurking underneath which is the real reason. Which he may not even be aware of!

Because i think from where you are that might be helpful. They do say in negotiation training its helpful to know everything you can about the other side!

Also a quick one on the IVF - much like childbirth, different for everyone. I have watched close friends and family go through it a few times and it is not a journey for everyone - not doubting your will and resolve but it may be more difficult than you anticipate.

For me the aspect that is key is the communication between you and DH, work on having some healthy non blame conversations and certainly entertain joint or single therapy - it can only help and is not going to hinder you. I wouldn't consider it wasted money because it'll help with perspectives in other areas of your life too.

It sounds like a very difficult situation and the inner conflict must feel awful.

Thank you.

In hindsight the provocative title was a bad idea and I appreciate my initial post may not have been as clear as it could have been.

I haven't said I wouldn't consider therapy. My husband I were already discussing this before posting.

I was in your shoes once.
I have two boys and was desperate for a third. Not so much to try for a girl, but partly that. DP didn’t want a third.
It nearly drove a wedge between me and my DP and it was very very hard for both of us. I can’t honestly say it didn’t badly affect our relationship 😞 we’re ok now though.

At times my drive for another baby was overwhelming and heartbreaking. It has taken years to feel better.
I’m late 40s now and on the whole as my hormones have decreased due to peri it has gotten so much easier and I’d say I’m 95% over it now. I still have the odd pang but overall I finally feel happy that it didn’t happen actually. 2 is a lot easier and simpler than 3 and my boys are my absolute world! They are sweet, funny, loving & there is nothing I can think of that would have been much different having a girl. Girls are great but in terms of being a mum I don’t see how it would be a better or more elevated experience. I’m truly happy they are healthy and happy and that I didn’t add extra stress to our lives 😆 (by having 3!).

I would suggest OP that you have some therapy for this issue. It will eat you up otherwise and you’ve got a lot of years ahead of you fertility-wise. Hope this helps 💐

Agree with all of this. Harsh but fair. OP - why does a child's genitalia bother you that much? What would a vagina provide that a penis doesn't?

How long does he have to support her quest for? 4 children? 5? 6?! Come on. They’ve got two healthy children. I’d like to be a lady of leisure, should I demand my husband support me in that?
Marriages are compromises. At what point does the OP compromise and get herself some therapy?

There's never any guarantee of either sex. Look at the Osmands, eight boys and one girl. How would your boys feel if you had a girl and she was your obvious favourite? You must come to terms with this.

My mum wanted a boy she had 4 girls.
But growing up was awful all we ever heard was if i had a boy i wish i had a boy why couldnt you lot be boys.
She got her son in the end but she lost all her girls. (we all went NC with her)
She left and went with someone else.
New man left her and her son is out of control.
Be careful what you wish for.
You have a loving family and cant see it but you are willing to ruin it for a fantasy that may not happen.
What if you end up with son number 3.
My sister has 2 boys and loves it.

Also, the words ‘ended up with two boys’ are really telling. I feel sorry for those boys. You were granted with two healthy boys, you didn’t ’end up’ with them.