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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not fund this particular child’s school trip?

115 replies

Oxpenswife · 29/02/2024 14:18

I need some objective advice on whether I’m being petty here.

I have 2 children, my DD is at a local independent school, when my son reached schooling age he started at the same school but due to his SEN it wasn’t a good fit, our local primary however has an amazing SEN set up, and he has flourished there since starting in year 1. He has been there for 1.5 years now.

Since he started I’ve always made sure to spend what I would have spent on his school fees to help support his current school. Although it’s a nice school, like many they’re underfunded so I contribute financially in various areas, the head teacher usually sends me each class teacher’s ’Amazon wish list’ at the start of each term and I will usually buy all the items needed (craft supplies mainly or spares for stationary) last year I arranged new laptops for the class library as many children do their homework there instead of at home etc. and last summer I covered the cost for their Forrest school area to be redone. I have no issue with supporting in this way as it benefits my son at the end of the day.

Now onto my AIBU

DS is due to go on his first school trip in 6 weeks time, I’ve been asked by the deputy head if I am able to fund the kitty that’s used to pay for children who can’t afford the trip to go. I was more than happy to say yes until I overheard when picking DS up yesterday that one of the boys from the year above would also be joining this trip if the kitty could be covered, he is not allowed to go on trips with his year group due to concerns around supervision (and he has been violent before on trips according to playground gossip)

I emailed the head straight after leaving and asked for clarification around what the kitty would be used for, she admitted it would be for those whose parents can’t afford the cost plus the cost for an extra TA so this older child could attend.

AIBU to say no to funding the additional resource so a child from another class can gatecrash this trip?

OP posts:
idontlikealdi · 29/02/2024 14:21

I like the sentiment of what you are doing but I think you are a bit mad for doing it. They see you as a cash cow.

Can't you just make a donation to the PTA or direct to the school at the start of each year and they can do what they want with it? I think it's out of line directly asking you to fund this.

airforsharon · 29/02/2024 14:22

YABU. Either contribute happily and allow the school to decide which children go on the trip, or don't. YabVu to listen to playground gossip.

LivingRoomTiger · 29/02/2024 14:23

I think you’ve worked yourself into a very unusual position that now requires some management.
It sounds like this isn’t a small amount of money or short term. If so suggest you have a short meeting each term/ year to set out funding ideas formally to avoid these kind of conflicts.

Spirallingdownwards · 29/02/2024 14:24

I would like to know the understanding behind why he isn't able to attend school trips with his own age group but suddenly come with your son's. Is it because they think you will stump up for this trip but not his year group because even they aren't cheeky enough surely to ask you to do that.?

I would say no because you don't want to put your son and his group to the detriment of having to have this child on their trip when there is no reason for him to be there.

Dahlietta · 29/02/2024 14:25

I agree that the real issue here is the absolutely bonkers situation where they just ask you to pay for everything they want and you do it.

AppleKatie · 29/02/2024 14:26

Either you trust the school to spend your money or you don’t.

I don’t think you can start laying conditions on your donations which effectively ask the school to exclude an individual.

it’s a very murky area.

sonjadog · 29/02/2024 14:28

Spirallingdownwards · 29/02/2024 14:24

I would like to know the understanding behind why he isn't able to attend school trips with his own age group but suddenly come with your son's. Is it because they think you will stump up for this trip but not his year group because even they aren't cheeky enough surely to ask you to do that.?

I would say no because you don't want to put your son and his group to the detriment of having to have this child on their trip when there is no reason for him to be there.

Edited

This, pretty much.

If you want to keep on this funding arrangement for years to come (frankly, I think you are mad), then I think you need to manage expectations and what you are prepared to fund somewhat. Things for the general school community = fair enough. Things for individual children that are not your own = school or their own parents can pay.

Lorelaigilmore88 · 29/02/2024 14:28

I think this is waaaay OTT. The head sending you an amazon wish list?
But no i don't think you are being unreasonable not to fund this child. There's no benefit to your son to fund the kitty for any children that cabt afford to attend.

Herdinggoats · 29/02/2024 14:29

I think you would be better of paying for
extra curricular activities away from the school for your son or putting the money aside for future provision for him if you want things to be even between him and his sibling. I kind of see how craft supplies and better facilities help your son- I don’t understand how funding other kids to go on school trips help in the slightest.

Happyinarcon · 29/02/2024 14:30

I would get more involved in the schooling decisions if I was you. It seems peculiar to put a known bully in with another younger more vulnerable group of children.

Lorelaigilmore88 · 29/02/2024 14:30

AppleKatie · 29/02/2024 14:26

Either you trust the school to spend your money or you don’t.

I don’t think you can start laying conditions on your donations which effectively ask the school to exclude an individual.

it’s a very murky area.

People can absolutely stipulate where they want their donations to be spent.
Op isnt excluding this child.

Original poster
Oxpenswife · 29/02/2024 14:31

idontlikealdi · 29/02/2024 14:21

I like the sentiment of what you are doing but I think you are a bit mad for doing it. They see you as a cash cow.

Can't you just make a donation to the PTA or direct to the school at the start of each year and they can do what they want with it? I think it's out of line directly asking you to fund this.

I was thinking about this but, selfishly I like knowing what the money is going towards and having some control over it.

For example the revamp of the Forrest school I ensured that there were areas DS would particularly enjoy, if it just got pooled into the PTA funds it would no doubt be put into their usual crap (an extra vendor at the fete type thing)

I know that probably makes me a bit of a crap person but I’m not 100% trusting of the PTA and their decisions in previous years left a lot to be desired (I also don’t have the time or patience to join it myself!)

OP posts:
nutbrownhare15 · 29/02/2024 14:31

Presumably this child doesn't usually get to go on school trips. And they will provide 1-1 supervision from the sound of it. I would be sympathetic in terms of the schools aims with this one.

Original poster
Oxpenswife · 29/02/2024 14:33

LivingRoomTiger · 29/02/2024 14:23

I think you’ve worked yourself into a very unusual position that now requires some management.
It sounds like this isn’t a small amount of money or short term. If so suggest you have a short meeting each term/ year to set out funding ideas formally to avoid these kind of conflicts.

Thank you for this, I totally agree, I think I went into it without considering the longer term implications. It totals about £15-£20k a year so it does often get spread around where needed.

I’ll speak to the head about setting up a more formal arrangement each year from next year onwards to avoid issues cropping up again!

OP posts:
Mustardfan · 29/02/2024 14:33

I think that it’s really really touching that the school are trying so hard to enable this boy from the year above to go on this fun school trip that he missed out on. What a caring school.

KittyMcKitty · 29/02/2024 14:33

I think you either give money to the school or you don’t. What you can’t do is enter conditions as to what / who the money is used for. This is for the school to decide and nothing to do with you.

I think perhaps your method of giving is what has muddied the waters - it would be much more appropriate just to set up a direct debit and give £x pm (which is what many schools ask parents to do in terms of donations) - this money could also be gift aided so the school would get more.

Original poster
Oxpenswife · 29/02/2024 14:34

Spirallingdownwards · 29/02/2024 14:24

I would like to know the understanding behind why he isn't able to attend school trips with his own age group but suddenly come with your son's. Is it because they think you will stump up for this trip but not his year group because even they aren't cheeky enough surely to ask you to do that.?

I would say no because you don't want to put your son and his group to the detriment of having to have this child on their trip when there is no reason for him to be there.

Edited

Due to the relatively high number of SEN pupils they don’t often do trips each year, looks like he missed out on his trip last year (the same one DS is going on soon) and his current year group isn’t having a trip. So they see this as the chance to let him catch up on the trip he missed due to no 121 in place last year

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 29/02/2024 14:34

So you'll be happy to fund the trip if this one child doesn't go?

I'd be absolutely fucking livid if a parent was allowed that sort of control or input at my kids school?

Can you not see how exclusionary this is?

LipstickLil · 29/02/2024 14:35

AppleKatie · 29/02/2024 14:26

Either you trust the school to spend your money or you don’t.

I don’t think you can start laying conditions on your donations which effectively ask the school to exclude an individual.

it’s a very murky area.

I disagree - it's the OP's money and she can pick and choose what (and who) she chooses to fund! The school are doing very nicely out of the OP's generosity, but she can absolutely say 'No' to funding things she doesn't agree with.

Original poster
Oxpenswife · 29/02/2024 14:36

Happyinarcon · 29/02/2024 14:30

I would get more involved in the schooling decisions if I was you. It seems peculiar to put a known bully in with another younger more vulnerable group of children.

This is my main concern

even with a 121 I’m a bit worried about the safety of DS on the trip, it’s his first one and I am probably being a bit ott but I’m so worried already about how he will cope with the change of routine etc. and that’s before putting an older and stronger child into the mix

OP posts:
Karatema · 29/02/2024 14:37

AppleKatie · 29/02/2024 14:26

Either you trust the school to spend your money or you don’t.

I don’t think you can start laying conditions on your donations which effectively ask the school to exclude an individual.

it’s a very murky area.

But the school have already excluded the individual from their own year group trip!

Personally I'd be peeved to know an older child is participating in a school trip that's not their year group - funding or not!

I can say this because I have a DGC who is regularly excluded from such trips because their behaviour is erratic.

Original poster
Oxpenswife · 29/02/2024 14:38

Crunchymum · 29/02/2024 14:34

So you'll be happy to fund the trip if this one child doesn't go?

I'd be absolutely fucking livid if a parent was allowed that sort of control or input at my kids school?

Can you not see how exclusionary this is?

Yes, apologies if the post wasn’t clear

I was fine to fund the kitty until I knew that some of the kitty would go towards a TA to enable this other child to attend. I’m concerned for my sons welfare based on what I’ve heard and am not confident that a TA would fix the issue around safeguarding

OP posts:
Silverbirchtwo · 29/02/2024 14:40

If the extra child was likely to ruin the trip for the children it is intended for (including mine) I wouldn't fund them. An older disruptive child could cause havoc even with a 121.

mydogwantsabone · 29/02/2024 14:40

OP can make donations as she sees fit, and the school can choose to accept or not as they see fit.
If OP doesn't want to fund this school trip, school are free to fund it. They can potentially use SEN or pupil premium funding, and presumably their budget is less tight as a result of her donations.
What OP can't do is get into operational decisions concerning the school and how it manages its pupils. Even as a school governor and member of the finance committee I wouldn't be able to do that. There's also a risk here that confidential information about the pupil has been shared inappropriately by the headteacher.

Original poster
Oxpenswife · 29/02/2024 14:40

AppleKatie · 29/02/2024 14:26

Either you trust the school to spend your money or you don’t.

I don’t think you can start laying conditions on your donations which effectively ask the school to exclude an individual.

it’s a very murky area.

well I’ve never had to trust them to spend the money before as all other donations were for specific items or projects

this is the first one where it’s a bit of a general fund

OP posts:
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