To not fund this particular child’s school trip?

[Oxpenswife]

I need some objective advice on whether I’m being petty here.

I have 2 children, my DD is at a local independent school, when my son reached schooling age he started at the same school but due to his SEN it wasn’t a good fit, our local primary however has an amazing SEN set up, and he has flourished there since starting in year 1. He has been there for 1.5 years now.

Since he started I’ve always made sure to spend what I would have spent on his school fees to help support his current school. Although it’s a nice school, like many they’re underfunded so I contribute financially in various areas, the head teacher usually sends me each class teacher’s ’Amazon wish list’ at the start of each term and I will usually buy all the items needed (craft supplies mainly or spares for stationary) last year I arranged new laptops for the class library as many children do their homework there instead of at home etc. and last summer I covered the cost for their Forrest school area to be redone. I have no issue with supporting in this way as it benefits my son at the end of the day.

Now onto my AIBU

DS is due to go on his first school trip in 6 weeks time, I’ve been asked by the deputy head if I am able to fund the kitty that’s used to pay for children who can’t afford the trip to go. I was more than happy to say yes until I overheard when picking DS up yesterday that one of the boys from the year above would also be joining this trip if the kitty could be covered, he is not allowed to go on trips with his year group due to concerns around supervision (and he has been violent before on trips according to playground gossip)

I emailed the head straight after leaving and asked for clarification around what the kitty would be used for, she admitted it would be for those whose parents can’t afford the cost plus the cost for an extra TA so this older child could attend.

AIBU to say no to funding the additional resource so a child from another class can gatecrash this trip?

If the school is good for SEN then possibly this kids has SEN? My SEN kiddo has not been able to do anything really because his needs are difficult to meet so he has challenging behaviour. He's bad enough he's not got a school place but when he was at school he wasn't allowed to go to clubs or out to break because of his behaviour. I've had to give up work to care for him so I can't afford for my daughter to go on the school trip or cubs trip etc. Having a Sen child can really impact a whole family. Even if he's not SEN he's a child who will be being failed possibly by his parents if they don't instilling boundaries etc. Obviously it's your money and it's up to you to pay for what you feel you wish to. If you pay for him and your child doesn't enjoy the trip because of the behaviour how will you feel then? I think it's amazing you contribute to the school as you do you are a thoughtful good person.

This all sounds very irregular.

You and the school have wandered into a wierd set up.

Yes, due to budget cuts they are probably very pleased to get the extra money.

However, it isn't your place to be enquiring about the set up for trips, who is going and why unless your have a specific issue for your own child irrespective of the donated money.

If you don't want to give the money then don't.

I disagree with this. I regularly get contacted by my old school asking for donations for particular projects and things. Over the years they have got a fairly good grasp of what kind of things I am happy to give money for, but every so often I’ll get a request which isn’t so much my thing and I won’t donate. You aren’t obligated to give donations so giving them for particular things only is fairly standard .

I think it's a very grey area.

Actually no I think its downright dodgy.

As a parent you cannot have this level of control in school business.

What happens if your child falls out with someone is his class, are you going to leave them out of the next trip?

I'd be incredibly uncomfortable if you were a parent at my school.

Yes YABU. If the school think he will benefit from the trip and they’d like him to go then that’s their decision and if you think they’re not capable of making this kind of judgement your child shouldn’t be at the school. It’s not clear from your messages but TBH it sounds like he’s exactly the sort of child who would benefit and the school know what he’s capable of much better than you/ playground gossip. You chose that school because if its good attitude to SEN but your attitude seems to be that only certain types of SEN or other needs should be accommodated.

The thing about him being outside his year group is a red herring, there could be children within his year group with similar difficulties. You WNBU to raise with the teacher how this is being managed but if he’s got a 121 then it sounds as though the risk to your child is going to be minimal.

You don’t know this child though? Only playground gossip?

The other side of this surely is a small kid who’s SEN means that he missed out on a lot of things potentially getting an opportunity if the school can fund a TA to help him access the trip safely.

Given your Son’s SEN and your willingness for your donations to be used to support other children as well as your own it isn’t an unreasonable leap that the school have made to want to use your money to support another child with SEN.

You say that you don’t think a 1:1 TA for this child would be capable of keeping your son safe from him? Just how big a risk is this child? The school - who are the professionals in all this - obviously think the TA would be able to manage the child’s behaviour.

To be honest it sounds like you just don’t like this other boy which is distasteful.

I’d bet money on that being the case, obviously I’ve not been told but the fact he requires a 121 to go on any trips gives me a bit of an inkling that those needs might be there and be higher than the average across the school.

its hard as this particular issue has put me from funding for DS or his indirect benefit, to more of a donation for the school and its hard to know what’s best. I don’t think I’d necessarily mind a bit of the money each year to be used as a general donation but this child going on the trip might negatively impact DS

I think you are very generous, but bonkers!

The school are viewing you as a magic money tree.
I too would not be happy to be subsiding a violent and bullying older child to potentially ruin the class trip.

I think my reply would be that I am dipping out of this one. They can hardly ask you to give your reasons.

I would also seriously rethink the whole arrangement.

An individual funding a state school like this is nice but entirely inappropriate. Fundraising for items no problem and the children can get involved but using you as a cash cow is not. Nor should a private' investor'be able to dictate to a school how they spend their money on or on which children.

but this child going on the trip might negatively impact DS

Sorry but you should not be making donations on this basis, it’s completely inappropriate. Basically because you might be richer than other parents you’re asking for a say in day to day management of the school and skewing things in favour of your DS. If you want a say in how the school is run become a governor. Otherwise you should give for the good of the school as a whole, not just your own DC.

The PTA must have some other funds and some other parents must be donating and the school doing other fundraising. If the OP is donating thousands each year, surely this must free up some funds for this child to be sent on the trip is OP chooses not to pay. If they are 100% reliant on the OP and can’t possibly find the money from anywhere else I’d say the school has bigger issues that one overly keen donor

I think you are being very generous and you should decide what you want to fund and what not.

I’m not trying to dictate, just trying to get a grasp on whether saying no to the kitty as a whole is a dick move.

I want to help those in DS’s class to attend, but also don’t want to if it means some of the money will be used to get an older child on the trip.

Agree with this. this agreement you have with the school is bordering on unethical! How can you get to decide who does and doesn't attend a trip? Either the money is there or it isn't. I would feel very uncomfortable with you making decisions for my child.

I imagine if the OP won’t fund this the school will find the money from somewhere else anyway.

Has your child had any negative interactions with the older child in the time he’s been at school?

What would you do if they hadn't asked you to fund it but you found out this child and a 1-1 was going on the trip. Would you be happy to let the trip go ahead then when you've got absolutely no control over the matter?

I think the level of your input is quite astounding to be honest.

I don’t get to decide who does and doesn’t go

If I say no to funding the kitty unfortunately a few children won’t go this child included

But you are trying to dictate, even if that isn't your intention. You are effectively saying, I will fund it, but only if it doesn't mean that that child comes.
As others have said, it's very murky. What will happen when your child appears to get any special treatment and the other parents find out that you give thousands of pounds to the school?

I’d have raised concerns with the SENco and decided after discussing whether to pull DS from the trip.

I think it is really rude to ask you to fund a TA for someone in a different year.

One the one hand this is your charitable giving and it's reasonable to pick and choose where your money goes. But in the other hand it's not anonymous and you clearly have a positive relationship with the school that you want to continue. So I think if you decide to say no you need to make it about your principles around giving and not any this specific child. E.g. I prefer to fund resources that benefit larger numbers, benefit DS personally or last a long time.
Personally though I think it sounds like you were going to say yes before the boy was mentioned and it seems like a good use of money. Unless he's been violent towards your DS personally I would go ahead and assume he will be well supervised by his 1:1.

I’m not though

I would never refuse to just refuse the one aspect of the kitty

As rightfully so I can’t do that

My debate is funding the kitty or not. If not then this child and a few in DS’s class will miss out

If I say no to funding the kitty unfortunately a few children won’t go this child included

Thats not usually how it works. With school trips, if there is not enough parental contributions and the school cannot cover it, the trip is cancelled-they don’t just leave a few children out.

I want to help those in DS’s class to attend, but also don’t want to if it means some of the money will be used to get an older child on the trip.

Why not? You do realise that the difference between one school year and the next one down is a matter of 24 hours in some cases? Plus my kids have friends all across the school years. If the school think they’d all be fine together do you really know better?