To not fund this particular child’s school trip?

[Oxpenswife]

I need some objective advice on whether I’m being petty here.

I have 2 children, my DD is at a local independent school, when my son reached schooling age he started at the same school but due to his SEN it wasn’t a good fit, our local primary however has an amazing SEN set up, and he has flourished there since starting in year 1. He has been there for 1.5 years now.

Since he started I’ve always made sure to spend what I would have spent on his school fees to help support his current school. Although it’s a nice school, like many they’re underfunded so I contribute financially in various areas, the head teacher usually sends me each class teacher’s ’Amazon wish list’ at the start of each term and I will usually buy all the items needed (craft supplies mainly or spares for stationary) last year I arranged new laptops for the class library as many children do their homework there instead of at home etc. and last summer I covered the cost for their Forrest school area to be redone. I have no issue with supporting in this way as it benefits my son at the end of the day.

Now onto my AIBU

DS is due to go on his first school trip in 6 weeks time, I’ve been asked by the deputy head if I am able to fund the kitty that’s used to pay for children who can’t afford the trip to go. I was more than happy to say yes until I overheard when picking DS up yesterday that one of the boys from the year above would also be joining this trip if the kitty could be covered, he is not allowed to go on trips with his year group due to concerns around supervision (and he has been violent before on trips according to playground gossip)

I emailed the head straight after leaving and asked for clarification around what the kitty would be used for, she admitted it would be for those whose parents can’t afford the cost plus the cost for an extra TA so this older child could attend.

AIBU to say no to funding the additional resource so a child from another class can gatecrash this trip?

You know there are charities the school can apply to who will fund minimum of 70% of the costs of school trips for the children that cannot afford it. Some cover the full cost. They also get pupil premium funding from the government for every child who has parents with a low income, and can use that to cover trips or TAs.

No he hasn’t, the school is quite split for reception and year 1 compared to the rest of the school (different playgrounds etc.) but I have heard a lot of bad stories from other parents

And I know it’s just gossip but I’m just a bit scared for DS, it would be his first trip and he will already be a bit out of sorts with the change in routine etc.

Say no
Donate to specific projects that are long term for everyone only eg Forest school, expensive technical equipment, sports equipment etc
That way no one can ever say you are favouring (or discriminating against) anyone and it can’t become personal or make anyone feel you have any control with school decisions
You are buying specific things for the whole school only - as straightforward as that

I agree. If I was found out this was happening, I would report the school to OFSTED and complain in writing to the governors. Even if the excluded child wasn’t mine. What you are doing and what the school is allowing is immoral. You and your child aren’t more important than any other child just because you’ve got money to throw at the school.

I think a private individual donating this amount of money to a state school sounds incredibly off.

Have you ever seen their accounts, OP? How are these donations reported? What do other parents think?

I'm sure this isn't your intention, but it does look as though you are playing - or at least have the opportunity to play - kingmaker here and I would be wary of how that sits with other, less wealthy parents.

This is a ridiculous situation. I can’t believe you’re giving the school £15-£20k a year. That’s just crazy. I bet the school can’t believe their luck. Giving you an Amazon wish list and you buy everything on it?!

You either give the school a set amount a year for them to do with as they wish or you don’t give them anything at all. You really can’t start attaching strings to your donations. I think you’ve got yourself into an untenable situation. Personally, I think you should spend that money on extra-curricular activities for your son or even put it aside for his further education.

That’s not true.

In most cases (I think even all now in England at least) parents are told of the trip and the cost e.g. £20, parents either give permission for their child to attend or not, if they do then they pay for THEIR child, they don’t “contribute” more than the cost for their own child to attend. Most schools have a “hardship fund” type situation which is typically money from fundraisers etc and if there are children in a class who’s parents would like them to go on a trip but can’t afford it then they can apply for money from this fund to cover it. That is what’s happening here basically, theres people who want to go but their parents cannot afford to pay it so they are relying on “hardship fund” to cover those children, if OP doesn’t want to pay the “kitty“ then the money isn’t available for those kids to go.

It really isn't appropriate and could lead you unwittingly into very difficult situations. Is this a Local Authority school and do they know this is happening?
You're already being pressured into giving money for something you're not comfortable with. Focus on your son's needs and stop playing Lady Bountiful.

I think your overthinking it op. This child won't be allowed to go on a rampage hurting other kids just because he's on a school trip.

You have inadvertently wandered into a highly inappropriate situation where you are buying influence on school policy without being elected to do so by any other parents. Fine to make a one-off donation for a specific thing, but you can't start dictating school policy with your money.

If I were you I wouldn’t fund the kitty and just use the money for a great educational and fun day out for your own children. If the trip gets then your kids still get a great day out. If the few kids in the class don’t go your son gets 2 nice days out.
It also sets a line in the sand for the school that you are happy to donate but they can’t take the piss.
if this was a child in your sons class I agree it would be wrong to exclude him- but it sounds like he is an expensive child to look
after and his own class kitty can’t manage it so the school are changing the parameters to get the resident cash cow to stump up. I think the school have behaved quite improperly here. Knowing you will pay for your son and his peers- essentially moving temporarily a child that needs additional funding so you will end up covering it.

I'm with you, OP. That money could fund a child in that year who can’t afford to go

You say the SEN DC who is 1 year older than your sons class could not go the year before because there was no TA to support him. If you really want all DC to feel included you'd not refuse the general kitty so several DC in your DS's class and the 1 older DC can not go. I'm assuming the older boys parents will find his place it's just the TA you will fund. I think it's really odd you pay for so much at your DS's school but as you do it's not nice to be discriminatory against the older DC who couldn't attend the year before through no fault of his own other than no TA available to attend. All the other DC will get to experience this trip except one. One day your DC might be the difficult DC who needs a TA and other DC might not want your DS to attend.

But there’s no precedent for donating to help only kids in her son’s year that has been established?

I can certainly see your point but the other POV is that OP was asked to fund one thing (money for the kids in her ds's class to go on a trip) and the school were sneakily planning to use the money for something slightly different (a child in a different class to attend).

In which case I don't think it's U for the OP to want the current arrangement - the school asks for money for specific purposes and she then agrees if it's something she wants to spend money on -to continue and not see this as the start of a slippery slope whereby school thinks its ok to ask her for money for something, she agrees but they then spend the money on something else.

The argument regarding whether the whole thing is morally ethical could be debated for a while - if you took a utilitarianism or "greatest good" philosophy it would be the case that the OP providing this funding positively affects many pupils therefore is better to continue it even with her conditions meaning one child might be treated unfairly than to stop it with the consequence multiple children lose out.

However I suspect if you said "I'll pay for the kids in ds class to go but not for x" then the school would say "Great! We've put your money towards those kids and we've funded x from elsewhere." So if you're adamant you don't want x to go then you'll probably have to refuse funding the trip at all.

The other option is to separate the 2 issues - if you really think x attending will be of detriment to your son (sounds unlikely tbh) then ask the school what their plans are to ensure this won't happen, regardless of how he's funded to attend the trip.

I see what you're doing and it's lovely of you but I do think it sounds like you are their own personal wallet
I would cut down the amount in future and put the rest aside for things your child would like ??
I do think it's a bit off, older child on the younger children's trip - unless the TA that you would be paying for is very attentive and keeps him on track ??

I agree with this and also with the point that by asking you to fund other specific DC's places on a trip (and thereby giving you a veto on whether those DC get to attend or not), the school has wandered into inappropriate territory.

I think, if I were you, I would tell the school in writing that from now on you wish to make it clear that you will only fund things that benefit the school and the pupils as a whole and not things for individual DC. Hardship funds that pay for disadvantaged DC to go on trips should be raised via school fundraisers/PTA events that are labelled as such and not rely on the generosity of any one parent.

So you're helicopter parenting and throwing your money around and they're accepting bribes? 🥴

YABVU - it's great that your local primary has a "great SEN set up", apparently it is also inclusive for SEN dc other than your DS. Do you really listen to school gossip about other, probably SEN dc? The school probably thought you might more understanding of SEN.

It's still early days OP, be careful, one day it might be your ds that is the subject of schoolgate gossip.

This just seems too unlikely to me, the amount of money involved, and that a school would get into a situation like this with such an obvious moral hazard.

You're completely mad to do this and it isn't really even benefitting your son. Use the money to pay for tuition for him or clubs or trips he would enjoy and put the rest into a fund for him when he's older and might want to go to university.

That's the problem with a bit of a god complex, it grows the ego.

Youve got yourself into a weird situation. It needs better handling by the looks of it.

Like a daydream.

So why not pay for an extra TA just to accompany your son, or even better an extra 2 TA's to be with your son, and your son only - then you will have no worries at all regarding this other child being there with his TA because with 3 TA's available they will be able to keep both children very separate.

Then stop listening to playground gossip !