To not fund this particular child’s school trip?

[Oxpenswife]

I need some objective advice on whether I’m being petty here.

I have 2 children, my DD is at a local independent school, when my son reached schooling age he started at the same school but due to his SEN it wasn’t a good fit, our local primary however has an amazing SEN set up, and he has flourished there since starting in year 1. He has been there for 1.5 years now.

Since he started I’ve always made sure to spend what I would have spent on his school fees to help support his current school. Although it’s a nice school, like many they’re underfunded so I contribute financially in various areas, the head teacher usually sends me each class teacher’s ’Amazon wish list’ at the start of each term and I will usually buy all the items needed (craft supplies mainly or spares for stationary) last year I arranged new laptops for the class library as many children do their homework there instead of at home etc. and last summer I covered the cost for their Forrest school area to be redone. I have no issue with supporting in this way as it benefits my son at the end of the day.

Now onto my AIBU

DS is due to go on his first school trip in 6 weeks time, I’ve been asked by the deputy head if I am able to fund the kitty that’s used to pay for children who can’t afford the trip to go. I was more than happy to say yes until I overheard when picking DS up yesterday that one of the boys from the year above would also be joining this trip if the kitty could be covered, he is not allowed to go on trips with his year group due to concerns around supervision (and he has been violent before on trips according to playground gossip)

I emailed the head straight after leaving and asked for clarification around what the kitty would be used for, she admitted it would be for those whose parents can’t afford the cost plus the cost for an extra TA so this older child could attend.

AIBU to say no to funding the additional resource so a child from another class can gatecrash this trip?

I would NOT pay for that child to go along. Unlikely one TA would make enough difference to ensure no trouble.

Wow, this sounds very weird and controlling OP. Donating to a charity but then wanting to dictate how the donation is spent, down to input on the garden design? Now you want to exclude children from trips.

You honestly sound off your head.

100% this.

If it were an independent then I would accept nepotism as a fact of life.

But another parent ploughing money into a state school and then using it to personally influence the decisions of staff. Absolutely not. I hope your donations and the way they are spent are clear and transparent for all the parents

"I would get more involved in the schooling decisions if I was you."

I think the head/governors would be putting themselves in a completely invidious position if they gave a parent that sort of involvement. I am amazed they are happy with it situation as it is, never mind taking it further.

Do you think what the money is being spent on directly helps YOUR child? If not, is it better to do something that will directly help them? An extra member of staff directly employed for your child? A private tutor? Music lessons etc?

The money you spend on your other child's schooling is directly for that child not just for a teachers Amazon wish list.

You’re talking about a year one child when you say he’s a violent bully? Yeesh.

This all sounds extremely unusual.

If there aren’t enough contributions towards the school trip the whole trip will be cancelled. Individual children can’t be excluded due to lack of finances. The school shouldn’t be making you feel that if you don’t pay then some children will miss out.
I think the amount you are contributing is insane. I don’t know how much spare money you have but it would be better spent on private Ed psych/OT/S&LT assessments, therapy as needed, a solicitor to get a really strong EHCP, after school clubs etc.

I wonder if a physically violent child should join older rather than younger kids? It’s a strange decision anyway. Surely his behaviour needs to be managed in his own peer group.

Do other parents know you do this OP? If what you have written is true, it’s unusual enough to be very identifiable to teachers and parents at your school.

That’s not the process in any school I’ve ever worked in. Are you a teacher?

I think you are utterly insane to donate this kind of money. For clarity, this is some people's yearly wage!

You are being far too generous and kind and the school are taking advantage of it.

E.g. if I had the money, I would maybe do a couple of "one-off" projects such as building a SEN area or revamping the playground, but it certainly wouldn't be happening on a recurring basis.

Or one of those hand-wringing "problems" so beloved of The Guardian.

Smells off to me.

I have only read the first two pages of replies but I am horrified that a principal spoke to you about a pupil who is not your child.
This sounds highly unprofessional it not illegal,

If I were that child’s parent and I found out my child’s personal information had been discussed with another parent I would be complaining.

It’s up to you if want to fund this or not.

A separate issue is whether or not you discuss this particular child’s involvement in the trip with the school.

If you don’t fund it, you’d be wise not to mention why.

If you cross the line and try to discuss this child, the school would be wise to no longer accept your money for any purpose.

The school shouldn't have discussed another child with you.

It's fine to state that you don't want donations to be spent on staffing. It isn't fine to say the donation cannot be used to fund staff for a particular child.

It isn’t fine when it is a class trip for the school to move kids that aren’t in that class into it for the day to benefit from the fact that that particular class kitty is more generous! How about next year when the school moves two kids into the class for the day because they missed out on trips because their own kitties couldn’t cover them. The school have put the OP in an awful position.

”Will you fund the kids in the class who can’t go?”
“Yes”
“great we’ll move another one over so you can pay for them too”

Abysmal, cheeky fuckery by the school

I think the most diplomatic line to take here is similar to the stance of most PTAs, which is that you are happy to fund children's places but it would be inappropriate to pay staff wages. Because it would.
I nearly said it is what I would do, but I'm not sure I'd ever get involved in this crazy arrangement.

But op is funding it directly. A violent child with a group of younger pupils what could go wrong?
Trips like this are usually to bond with classmates so it won't help with that either.

YANBU your money your terms. But is it so bad that the boy can finally go on a school trip when he usually can’t?

So firstly, I think it's genuinely admirable that you choose to use your money this way.

But - I don't think you should expect personal input on how it's spent cos that comes a little close to bribery. What you've done so far will have benefited so many kids, and that's brilliant, but it shouldn't be conditional imo.

Maybe think of it as though you were funding a study whereby your input on the study itself would be considered a conflict of interest & render it useless. You've an invested interest in the outcome but you've to trust others to get the results, not interfere with the process.

It seems to me the easiest way is to agree that you donate at start of the year or then end ready for next year and the money is to be used for physical resources

This is how I feel ⬆️ though it is generous and kind, op. It opens up all sorts of grey areas.

I would rather give the money to an educational charity and avoid any conflicts of interest. I am surprised the school are allowed to accept such a large sum from a parent.

i would rather give it to an educational charity though understand you want to help improve things for your DS’s school.

You're doing a fabulous thing OP and I really respect you for it. But, your generosity doesn't buy you any decision making authority. It would be completely unethical for the school to allow you to influence their decisions about other DC because you help fund them, so you are going to have to either accept this and allow them to do their jobs, or if you have strong views on how you want your money spent and don't trust their decision making, stop funding them, or fund only specific items.

Then I think he should go

It might be very generous of you to donate all this money but you absolutely shouldn't have ANY say or control as to what happens with the children

That is appalling

With a one-to-one it has a high chance of success

This is a state primary. There should be no exclusion on the basis that's proposed here