To not fund this particular child’s school trip?

[Oxpenswife]

I need some objective advice on whether I’m being petty here.

I have 2 children, my DD is at a local independent school, when my son reached schooling age he started at the same school but due to his SEN it wasn’t a good fit, our local primary however has an amazing SEN set up, and he has flourished there since starting in year 1. He has been there for 1.5 years now.

Since he started I’ve always made sure to spend what I would have spent on his school fees to help support his current school. Although it’s a nice school, like many they’re underfunded so I contribute financially in various areas, the head teacher usually sends me each class teacher’s ’Amazon wish list’ at the start of each term and I will usually buy all the items needed (craft supplies mainly or spares for stationary) last year I arranged new laptops for the class library as many children do their homework there instead of at home etc. and last summer I covered the cost for their Forrest school area to be redone. I have no issue with supporting in this way as it benefits my son at the end of the day.

Now onto my AIBU

DS is due to go on his first school trip in 6 weeks time, I’ve been asked by the deputy head if I am able to fund the kitty that’s used to pay for children who can’t afford the trip to go. I was more than happy to say yes until I overheard when picking DS up yesterday that one of the boys from the year above would also be joining this trip if the kitty could be covered, he is not allowed to go on trips with his year group due to concerns around supervision (and he has been violent before on trips according to playground gossip)

I emailed the head straight after leaving and asked for clarification around what the kitty would be used for, she admitted it would be for those whose parents can’t afford the cost plus the cost for an extra TA so this older child could attend.

AIBU to say no to funding the additional resource so a child from another class can gatecrash this trip?

Donate to the PTA or whatever charity set up they have, your money will benefit all the children, they can claim gift aid, you have no responsibility for "if you don't then this particular child will miss out...."

I think this is one of situations where favour becomes expectation and you should extricate yourself from it.

For example the revamp of the Forrest school I ensured that there were areas DS would particularly enjoy, if it just got pooled into the PTA funds it would no doubt be put into their usual crap (an extra vendor at the fete type thing)

So you’ve already used the influence your money buys you to ensure the school caters to your child. I guess it’s a short step then to effectively make a decision that excludes other children.

It’s for the school, who know the pupils well, to decide about the appropriateness of this child attendance on a trip. And it’s for the school to fund it. You’re happy to provide a kitty for other students - so the donation isn’t about benefit to your son - but won’t fund one particular child based on playground gossip and the fact that he needs 1:1 support. I’d tell you to keep your money and decline any further donation on the basis that you shouldn’t have any more influence over what happens in school than any other parent.

I think you need to say that you have concerns about paying the wages of a TA for the day and about funding things specifically for other children. So far you have funded projects or facilities that make a material and permanent difference for all children, including your son. This request is different. A trip kitty should be covered by the fee they charge to all parents and should be restricted to the basic needs of the children on the trip. It is for a transient experience and not for school infrastructure.

He missed out last year as they didn't have money in the kitty last year to cover additional TA, they're just wanting him to do as he should've done last year.
Teachers still being CF for asking for this though

I think what you've done in the past is admirable, but quite different to being asked to contribute to a trip kitty.
The things you've described in the past benefit the entire school community, and would be something lots of PTAs would fundraise for years to achieve. Personally, I'd think that this level of investment into the school does warrant a bit of input, eg helping to choose things for the forest school area, or choosing the kinds of laptops and books you're helping to buy.

The trip kitty is quite different, but what others are saying about the school just cancelling the entire trip if there's not enough money in the pot isn't accurate generally. If this is a curriculum trip, then it is the case than no child can be excluded, and parents make a 'contribution' for the trip (not pay a fee for a place). For non-curriculum trips, this isn't the case, and schools are able to charge a fee and only allow pupils a place if the fee has been paid.
I think you need to remove the other boy from the equation a bit - you've chosen the school for your son and seem to have lots of faith in them, so you need to trust that they're also able to look after your son on a trip too, no matter who else is there. I understand why this is a factor, but I think you've accidentally (with the best intentions) dug yourself into a hole here where you're making a decision which you shouldn't be.

Personally, I'd say something along the lines of 'Thanks for reaching out, unfortunately we've already reached the maximum we're willing and able to donate for the year, but we will consider making a contribution to the trip kitty/ hardship fund at the start of next year.'
If you don't want to do that, or don't want to be specifically asked again, you could add; "Largely, we're interested in funding large scale projects which impact the entire school community, such as the library equipment and the forest school"
Then if you feel like contributing to this trip kitty fund is something you'd like to do in the future, you can do it with a clear head and no knowledge of who it will allow to go on the trip. (Again, think this is very admirable that you want to help these children attend, but I think you should do it not knowing which children it would benefit).

I think the school on on dodgy ground in the way they are trying to fund things. But you aren’t the school with an equal duty to all the children there. It’s fine for you to say you only want to fund things that you think are going to benefit your DS. You aren’t obliged to benefit other students in the school if you don’t think it will also help your child any more than you are obliged to fund other schools in the area. And if, as you seem to be hinting, you think it will make the trip worse for your child, of course you aren’t obliged to help make that happen.

As a SEN parent I see another SEN parent judging a SEN child. YABU, IMO you should be supporting this (likely) SEN child going on a trip they were previously unable to.

Is this real? How can a state school accept £15,000 a year from a parent? Gifts or donations at this level must need to be reported to the LA.
There would be the concern that the donor is using this to gain some sort of favour with the school or to exert undue influence over the school, which the OP seems to be suggesting is happening.
Contribute or don't. But don't make your decision based on playground gossip.
Another poster makes an excellent point that perhaps your SEN child may one day be the subject of the same sort of playground gossip by parents who do not understand. You should tred carefully here. There's no reason for you to contribute to the trip, but to make a decision based on gossip seems wrong. However, you should not be privy to information about pupils in the school.

Everything about this situation is nuts.

But the school were discriminatory in running a trip last year that wasn’t accessible to this child. Legally, they needed to fund a TA (going into deficit on their SEN budget if necessary) or not run the trip. The way school are approaching this isn’t ok.

I think you need to listen to the ‘Nice White Parents’ podcast ASAP. Not sure about race but there seems to be a lot of similarities…. Basically a group of rich parents set up an alternate PTA because they don’t trust the existing PTA to spend the funds in a way that they would approve of.

If I was a parent at this school I would be reporting to ofsted, or at the very least to the schools governor's. It’s completely inappropriate for a parent to have such intensive involvement in school management.

As a former chair of governors, I am stunned that this "loose arrangement" is in place (however it benefits the school financially). There should be proper scrutiny of spend to ensure that value for money is being achieved. Where are the checks and balances when a Head is emailing a current parent wish lists for items to be purchased?

Should another parent be funding this anyway? I would say No.

I’ll speak to the head about setting up a more formal arrangement each year from next year onwards to avoid issues cropping up again!

I think that would be very sensible, OP; £15-20,000 is a lot of money and personally I wouldn't have allowed it to get to the point where it was going into some general fund

And you're not selfish at all in wanting some say in how it gets spent - he who pays the piper and all that - but as a PP said I'd certainly worry about being seen to have become some sort of cash cow