Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

I wonder how many people replying here are in a blended family situation vs those who aren't.

You may not like it and it is sad for the elder child but it's a fact of life that you can't control how other people think or who they are interested in.

It's actually not that weird for biological siblings to only be interested in the biological children of their sibling. Unless you have an unusually close set up (say families next door to each other), a "step" nephew or niece is going to be nothing to the sibling. An exceptionally polite one might invite the step niece to participate but it's not that odd to underneath it all not give a monkeys.

Look at it this way, if you had an unmarried man or woman who had biological nephews and nieces via a sibling who had step children, no one would expect that person to leave their money to their sibling's step children, you'd expect it all to go to the biological children. The step children are unconnected biologically or emotionally to the inlaw sibling - unless you have spent a lot of time together or have an unusual set up.

It's may be unpalatable if you have a blended family but for a lot of people there is a difference in attitude to biological children and a step child - a child of an inlaw that is nothing to do with the sibling. Plenty of aunts/uncles are barely interested in the biological nieces or nephews anyway. If there is no relationship with a step child, you are expecting way too much for a SIL to want her involved in the wedding.

@Bananasandtoast agree, a few ideas here are a "fuck you" to dd2 most of all. A city break/older child thing is fine but emotionally manipulating is not on.

Im part of a step situation (DH parents are split up) and when it comes to stuff with kids etc you just have to accept it's not straight forward/that there are different views to consider. Getting upset only makes the kids more upset ime.

Well you'd know she wasn't his now, wouldn't you? He isn't responsible for his family's behaviour but he's absolutely responsible for going along with it. Its quite clear the arrangement in your family is that your DD is treated as his DD (whether people here agree or not, thats your set up) and he needs to keep to that regardless of the circumstances. So yes, I'd be saying the same as you. Either he honours your family arrangements or I'd be reconsidering whether to be a family at all with him.

MN is always telling SM they don't need to consider their SC as their own...

And it sounds like his words were said in an angered reaction to OP's angry declaration he wasn't allowed to go to HIS OWN BROTHER'S wedding

DH even assumed DSD would be invited so he hardly sounds like he doesn't consider her family really

Your DH’s first loyalty is to his family, not you and your DDs. Tell him to go himself. I’d not speak to his family again and I’d be seriously considering my marriage to such a disloyal man if I were you.

OP, is this a child free wedding, bar flower girls, or are there other children invited? So, is it just your DD excluded, or other children are not invited either?
It is important.
Me, personally, I would not attend a child free wedding. Just, not my thing. I may pop in to congratulate the couple, but I would not go without my child.
They are constantly making a difference between your eldest and your youngest, not even acknowledging your eldest. That is the problem.
Does your eldest have a relationship with her paternal grandparents?

I might be wrong but I think you are overreacting.

Are there any other children other than the flowergirls being invited? This is important, omitted information.

Poor MIL - she did nothing wrong and no wonder she didn't want to get involved. Running to someone's parent when both you and they are an adult is ridiculous. Adults sort issues as adults- they shouldn't need to get a "Senior" adult to adjucate.

Also lost as to what you mean by distinguishing your children? Do you mean acknowledging or something else?

Also

I think you're massively rude and unreasonable to say that just because the other two are in their 30s it doesn't matter

You don't think they'd be hurt to find out their younger sibling and the "other" stepchild in the family were being included but they weren't because they were too old?

I don't think you have to be in a blended family to think about the feelings of a ten year old, whoever they are. If they are your own niece's sister, even more so.

Do not do this! That is so unfair on the younger child (who is clearly under 10!) and actually quite nasty.

I agree with you OP.

It's everyone attends or no-one.

If DH was fully hands on supportive and acts like a proper dad to the eldest, I'd relent and let him go on his own but no way is he taking the youngest with him and leaving the eldest at home.

You need to tell him if he's as good a dad as he thinks he is, he should be thinking about this from your eldest daughter's perspective. Her feelings must take priority over his selfish brother.

Yeah, it's crap and rude.

This family has no manners, even if it is a child free wedding, go the whole hog and don't have flower girls, especially if there is a step daughter who wouldn't be able to attend with her mother.

If I were the step daughter and my mom left me at home I don't think I'd speak to her.

Op, you have married into a family of idiots, lose them before they offend your daughter any further, you have a responsibility to protect her.

Would I divorce, yes I think I would such is my loyalty towards my offspring, chances are this family will continue to allienate your daughter and probably you. You won't be able to reason with them, so the only thing to do would be to cut them off, which is fine but then your relationship with your husband is ruined.

His choice is important in this as he has effectively chosen his family above you. You now know where you stand.

I don't think you would be happy if she was invited and wasn't asked to be a flower girl. Just judging by you commenting about an Easter egg and the play date with two cousins who likely are closer in age and your dd not been invited. You seem to expect your dh wider family to accept your dd on the same level your dh has.

It also sounds like it's a childfree wedding minus the brides dd and a niece. Out of interest how old is your youngest? You don't get 10 year old flowers girls that's moving towards bridesmaids terrority.

Id never do this to my stepchildren, I’d never accept my family treating them differently either. My family have met my step children only a few times (live far away) and still buy birthday/Christmas presents etc etc, they’d always be invited to anything like that.

Nope.

That's going to cause a rift between her and her sister, whether intentional on their part or not. Youngest would feel awful in time when she understands the dynamic.

I wouldn't be allowing the youngest to go.

Sorry OP, your husband and his family are shits.

Yeah, exactly.

He hasn't stepped up.

Calling them out for excluding his daughter would be stepping up.

Can't have it both ways.

I half imagined my then dh's ex on here with her version.. When we got married she refused dsd to come dress shopping as she wasn't being at the wedding. So my dd's got their dresses.. On the day mil turned up with dsd in her own chosen outfit..we were well chuffed and no issues with outfit at all. Ex kicked off they weren't all matching...
Your bloke is a sap of he allows this to happen to their benefit..

She isn’t his daughter, and although the girls may be sisters they don’t have all the same family in common. You can’t force him to consider her his daughter, and nor can you force his family to consider her a niece/granddaughter.

As much as mumsnet gets irate about the subject, this isn’t an uncommon scenario.

If you wouldn't know that your eldest isn't your DHs child, then his attitude would be different.
Your eldest DD is "his" to an extent, that extent falls short of having to say to his family, actually, I have two kids, you can't treat one as family, and the other as a 3rd/4th rate person.

If someone tried this with my DD, my husband would not be best pleased, and he would be telling them he wasn't going let alone being part of the wedding..
And neither would the welcome child. ...and I don't think he would be forgiving and forgetting even if they backtracked

And it sets precedent.

That's like saying aside from the children going, it's a child-free wedding.

No, of course it isn't but they just want kids they can use to look cute for the photos.

I don't mind child-free events but it's pretty selfish to just handpick the certain kids you want to come - especially then excluding a sibling. It's awful behaviour and there is no need for it.

As for the DH, he stepped up, did he? So what's he doing now? Stepping back?

He's a stepfather - one of the closest relatives that child will ever have, and he's really let her down here. I agree with OP's sentiments entirely. This is incredibly cruel and there is absolutely no reason for it. Especially inviting the child without prior agreement from the parents - that's well overstepping.

I understand why you're livid, OP. I would be too.

Yup. If SIL is as spiteful as she sounds, once she has created this fissure in her brother's family and knowns he will allow it, she can go to town. I imagine the OP has this very much in mind, and is foremost in her thinking about divorce.

She is his stepdaughter - that's still an important relationship. He will be one of the most important adult males in her life. People get irate because they don't like seeing children treated like this when there are easy ways to get around it. My family had blended families going back to the eighties - it's not like it's a new thing. No one was ever excluded and people were bridesmaids/page boys etc no matter whether they shared DNA or not they were family.

Blended families are just that - families. You don't get to excluded people because they don't have 50% of your DNA. It doesn't mean OP's DH has to step into the father's shoes because she has a father, but he does have to treat her like family because she is his family.

So your BIL wants to have his Niece at his wedding and that is an issue? I think I am little lost

I think your marriage will survive this, honestly, although it's always going to be a sore point and you are always going to have a frosty relationship with BIL and SIL going forward.

I don't think it's "spiteful" if you step back from the wedding preparations and leave DH to sort it out. Fittings, rehearsal, everything. DD2 is going to get a lot of attention from the whole side of the family. I think you can emotionally and practically distance yourself from the wedding plans and, as others have said, make sure you do something lovely with DD1 without it emotionally damaging the younger one.