Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

So DH is close to his brother and is the best man. So if he doesn’t go his brother is likely going to be annoyed and who knows what the outcome of that will be for their relationship. If he does go the OP is going to divorce him.

None of this was his choice. All a bit of an over reaction isn’t it.

Who said she wasn’t family? Not inviting her to the wedding doesn’t mean she isn’t family. She is indeed his stepdaughter, which isn’t the same as being his daughter.

Well they can get on with getting irate then, can’t they? It hasn’t and won’t change the fact that you can’t force people to consider blended families the same as nuclear ones.

Your family isn’t everyone’s family, obviously, and isn’t required to emulate it.

Op you are completely right to be considering the future of this relationship. There's no way I would have any child of mine growing up in a family where they are treated like an outsider. I don't think people realise how damaging it actually is.

I could possibly get over the flower girl thing, but no invite at all is unforgivable and shows what they think of your dd. If your dh can't see how cruel and callous this is then he is part of the problem.

Of course she's not family, of course the father will always favour his child, of course his family will favour their grandchild/niece.

As to be expected but all the more reason for mom to protect the child.

Total equality for children, this girl is already at a disadvantage living within a family unit of two blood parents and a step sister who is unconditionally loved by both parents, add into that the dynamics of a stupidly rude family with little empathy and you have the recipy for a very allienated child.

Ok well I agree with you then !
Also tell him he is leaving and the dc won’t be leaving with him and certainly not to go to a wedding.

It looks like it’s a child free wedding, apart from the flower girls. You can’t stop your husband and biological daughter going.
I wouldn’t go though - I’d be having a jolly with the older daughter giving them the f you. I’d also mention that anything involving your daughters gets passed by you first. The way the sil separated your daughters and asked your younger child, without running it past you is out of order. I’d be keeping my distance and letting everyone know exactly why.

I can categorically say that my dh would never allow eldest child to be left out.

So, I wouldn't have to threaten divorce.

Saying that - I would divorce him if he were the type of man who allowed his child to be treated in such an awful way.

Yanbu but I'd just go and explain to your kids why you don't think it's right. Feel sorry for your DH and MIL, I know you didn't ask for this but it's not their fault either.

@BackITD

Absolutely agree. Which is why the immediate parent and step-parent in any situation have to agree their tolerances and communicate their expectations to the wider family. The DH here is setting an appalling precedent for how he will allow his SD to be treated in future.

@KeenHiker is the wedding child free bar the two girls in the actual wedding party?

Am I reading this wrong? You think a man's loyalty should be to his parents and siblings over his wife and children?

Haven't read the full thread. But the "kid-free wedding apart from flower girls" thing is a bit icky. That would bother me, as if my child were part of the scenery or just seen as a prop for the photos. Either have kids or don't but don't use them as a decoration.

There is a HUGE difference between not considering SC your own (they aren't, after all) and allowing your SC to be disrespected, snubbed or otherwise mistreated.

I think I’d be contemplating divorce too.

DH and youngest go to wedding. You and oldest go to Euro Disney. DH will have a day of youngest complaining that she doesn't want to be there......

This is a difficult situation. Your husband doesn't really have a say on who is in the wedding or not and I do understand the reason for not inviting other children bar the kids in the wedding. However, it's very upsetting that your older daughter isn't invited. I do imagine there would be upset if she was
Invited and the other Children wernt.
Your husband is in between a rock and a hard place but shouldn't have sid nothing about your ex etc.
I imagine your younger daughter would be very upset that she can't be in the wedding because your eldest isn't invited and this could be as much an issue ,then your youngest going and your eldest not going.
I personally would book something fun for you and your eldest daughter to do or somewhere to go and let your husband sort out the all the things that come with getting the flower girl ready and he will also have to mind her during the reception etc so won't be able to have a drink etc.

Bit of an underreaction on the DH's part. "Bro, you want me to be your Best Man, but you want me to leave one of the kids at home on the day?! WFT man, howvdo you think that is going to happen?"

If he's that close to him.

Most families do not have family events such as weddings and exclude half of a single family. This idea that that is okay is honestly ridiculous. Your family is supposed to love and protect not exclude.

Tbh, most blended families I know really try hard to be inclusive and put kids feeling above their own most of the time.

Other don't. Perhaps you don't.

You're right I can't change that. But I can't help feeling sorry for that kids in that situation.

I think there's a huge difference between a family not inviting a stepchild who is there every other weekend and a resident child (and by resident i mean anything from 40% ish upward). I would never invite one sibling and not the other who lives with them.

I'd have absolutely nothing to do with BIL and future SIL, after all it's fine to be a shit to non blood relatives. Anyone who made my daughter cry over something like this would be dead to me. No xmas cards/gifts/birthday cards/popping in for coffee/invites to your events - nothing. They would be gone from my life. If your husband wants a relationship with them he does it completely separate to you.

He facilitates everything for the wedding for your DD. You don't even brush her hair on the morning. I'd suggest making yourself scarce the day before and of (so take your eldest DD away) because he will be busy with beat man duties, your MIL will be busy being MOTG so someone has to facilitate DD getting around etc. Your H and the bride can coordinate that, it's not your problem, you won't be there. It also means your youngest won't have the feeling you are avoiding helping her.

And I say this as someone who considers her step niece who lives at the other end of the country her niece just as much as her sisters are. When my ex SIL asked if her daughter was invited to my wedding I was confused because I'd put DB, Ex SIL and kiddos on the invite (they had 4 together!) and of course she was included!!

As for the taking her on comment, i would absolutely hand him his arse and ensure she's legally protected in your will, just to be on the safe side.

My sentiments entirely.

@DaniO2

Perfectly put. DH here iscallowing a spiteful SIL to create a fissure, and is showing that he will allow his SD to be excluded without a fight. I'd be gone by the time the last wedding champagne bubble had popped.

Absolutely

His mum will be told to look after her.

While PPs are right that you can’t force your BIL to treat your eldest daughter like their niece, you can choose who you’re married to - and need to be especially selective about this when you already have DC from another relationship, of course - and your husband sounds like a dickhead.

I get that some only want the little ones in their wedding party. I only had two young flower girls BUT that’s because they didn’t have siblings. I’d never have a flower girl but not their sibling but I have emotional intelligence and actually like my family and in-laws and don’t want to ruin my relationships with them. They sound horrible. Looking on the bright side: you’ve got an excuse to not have anything more to do with them and you don’t have to spend Christmas and stuff with them.

Does your partner have any children from a previous union ?