Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

Agree. I'd be furious too and feel so sorry for your daughter.

Sounds shit. My youngest DB is a half-sibling and all of us older siblings have always been invited to things on his Dads side of the family. We were not treated differently by them because we are not their blood relatives. Blended families has been a bit of a minefield though, no end of weird dynamics to navigate.

My DSis has 2 biological kids and 2 step kids and they were all invited to my wedding, wouldn't have dreamed of doing it differently. And it wasn't a case of all children were invited, as non-relative kids weren't invited due to numbers.

Also a bit weird to invite your youngest outside to ask her directly rather than doing it through you and DH. That feels a bit underhand and cheeky, like they knew if they mentioned it directly to her you then wouldn't be able to say no.

Let your DH and the youngest go. It isn't fair on the youngest to stop her being flower girl. I would be doing something fun with my eldest though.

Don’t go. Book something really fun for you and DD1 - l mean, like Disneyland or closest you can afford - and then tell DD2 it’s her choice, she can go to wedding with Dad or come with you guys. Tell DH all wedding prep, booking hotels, childcare, transport, gifts is on him and he can go, but you want to hear no more about it from now on.

Agree 💯

Tell DH all wedding prep, booking hotels, childcare, transport, gifts is on him and he can go, but you want to hear no more about it from now on.

I'd absolutely be doing this. Fuck no would I facilitate anything if he goes and takes the younger child.

I am really shocked at some of the comments, your DH chose to take on your daughter and treat her and your shared daughter the same. And rightly he should of done if he wanted a relationship with you.

But the rest of his family do not have to treat her has their family or equally.

Would people expect the dad’s family of the eldest child as equally as her half sister? Buy her half sister Christmas gifts, birthday gifts? Invites to family events? I suspect not.

I am my bio nephews aunty, and to my brothers finances kids I am their brothers aunty. I do things with my own nephew independently and step kids do things with their own aunties etc independently

Is the wedding in school holidays?
Could you and 10 yr old afford a holiday in the sun that week? I can imagine there will be a lot of family excitement and build up which may be tricky to avoid

I hope you have a will that leaves your half of the house (if you own - and the house will need to be held as tenants in common not joint tenants), your death in service payment, your life insurance directly to your kids 50:50 as you cannot rely on your husband to look out for your elder daughters interests - he has proved that to you. I expect your younger daughter will inherit from your husband and possibly family but not your elder daughter.

Get in touch with your pension/death in service provider and any life insurance providers and nominate your daughters 50:50. Keep confirmation letters/emails and give copies to a trusted friend or relative (as well as copies of the will). Please don’t trust your husband to look after your daughters’ interests. You could also try to nominate a relative to act as appointee/trustee to manage their money if under 18.

I’m with you OP. No way either of my daughters would be going, how dare they exclude your eldest. Poor girl 😠

He isn't excluding her!

I'd be livid if someone asked my daughter to be a bridesmaid without clearing it with me first. I'd be even more livid if they left my 10 year old out of the wedding invitations.

Your DH is going and will take the youngest whatever you say so I agree with others who have said he must do all the organising etc. I would also book a fab weekend away with your 10 yr old.

@Screwballs

I see it as the OP not opting in, so as not to.isolate her upset older daughter. Younger daughter probablybdoen'tvunderstand fully all the complcations; but the older daughter. from what the OP says, is fully aware of the snub/exclusion. She needs her mum.on her side, and that means a big fat F@ck the Wedding message.

Jesus Christ, the hysteria on this thread!

@Winter2020 I hope you have a will that leaves your half of the house (if you own - and the house will need to be held as tenants in common not joint tenants), your death in service payment, your life insurance directly to your kids 50:50 as you cannot rely on your husband to look out for your elder daughters interests - he has proved that to you. I expect your younger daughter will inherit from your husband and possibly family but not your elder daughter.
It's not unusual though for the dhs inheritance it ti go to his step daughter. Presumably the step daughter's father's inheritance won't be going to the younger dd either.

Its unbalanced don't you think that a step child would inherit from 3 families whilst the younger child only from two no?

How does he expect to look after your daughter when he is the best man?

Deleted as it was pointing out a misunderstanding that you realised and edited your post to correct while I was typing!

I would have fuck all to do with the lot of them.

Where is everyone getting that it's a childfree wedding from? I can't see that anywhere?

The thanks I get for stepping up

I don't know that I'd ever forget this. It's so... ugh. Like you and your eldest are charity cases.

Don't do this unless you want to outplay everyone else to be the biggest arsehole in the tale.
I don't like child free weddings as a concept but that's all this is really.
You'd be creating the real problem if you start trying to suggest you are ultimate authority over your daughter and won't permit her father to take her to her uncles wedding.

100% this

Is it a "child-free wedding" (ugh) OP?

I think what generally happens is the spouse would inherit pretty much everything from OP if she dies first - and if that happens in this case, when the relationship with OPs eldest breaks down/fizzles out the husband will leave everything to his biological daughter and any future children.

Worth noting that step-children don’t automatically inherit under laws of intestacy so if husband died after OP without a will everything would certainly go to the biological child - assuming there is not a new wife to inherit of course in which case both children are unlikely to receive anything.

Also “inherit from 3 families” - who is the third family - there is OP, and there may be a bio father - doesn’t look like the husband’s family will be leaving her eldest anything - they don’t even acknowledge her existence.

So it’s child free apart from flower girls so that’s not a slight unless you was expecting your 10 year old to be a flower girl too.

How old is the other niece, because for the play date if your youngest is say 5 and she’s got a 4/5/6 year old niece then again I don’t see that as a big issue it’s taking out two children around the same age.

As for expecting dh to decline unless you can all go is bonkers. He and your joint DD should still attend even if you decide not too.

This isn’t a case of only your oldest daughter being not invited no children apart from the two little girls who are flower girls are invited full stop.