Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

Oh jesus please read my actual posts or stop commenting on them. Im not explaining myself again. Its quite simple.

Also.... who on earth asks a young child to do something without permission from parents first!?
Did your husband know in advance?

What the hell? She’s his kid too, he can make that clear all he wants. Just as the op can make it clear to the contrary. But saying a father has no right to decide is bullshit.

How dare he? Do you think the mum is the only one allowed to make decisions for their joint child?

Well, it is his child so he does get some say. Are any older children of your eldest age going to be there?

Why?

She'll be part of the wedding prep and the day

She'll have a lovely time

Im no longer responding to you until you bother to read what I've already written.

Because presumably the OP can forsee all sorts of other events that her DD will be excluded from

And someone's got to look after her. So that's the OP excluded too

gosh, family is family I think excluding a 10 year old is very cold and it will be really hard for them to understand. My DH would be going bonkers if one of our children were invited but not the other.
On the other side, you'll have a much better time out with your daughter than at a wedding where it has started out this way.

Take a couple of days to calm down.
you cannot make other people see your daughter as family.
but, for me, it would be a calm “no, of course I am not going, of course you and DD2 can go”.
and then I would not get involved in anything wedding wise, and I would take older child away for the weekend.
and then monitor very closely how DH treats your older child.
and once the wedding is over I would consider whether I would want anything to do with bil or sil.
but at this point I would not threaten that he has to do all the work around the wedding - he’ll find out.
I would tell him though that you are disappointed.

@Janehasamane @Screwballs Not a chance! He lost that right when he 1) Behaved like a dick about OP's eldest! But more importantly, when he failed to stick up for the eldest child who will be irreparably hurt by her little sister being flower girl - as demonstrated by the crying over it in the car.

Either involve them both or not at all. If he's not onboard with that then OP should put her foot down!

Having a childfree wedding is absolutely fine.

Having a childfree wedding but having 2 flower girls is a very odd choice. Usually people want childfree weddings because they don't want children being distracting during the service/speeches or because they would rather that seat was occupied by a close friend or because they want their close friends and family to be able to relax, have fun and not be rushing around after small children making sure they've eaten, kept their clothes nice, not touched the cake, not messed with the gifts, not ruined decorations etc.

Sounds like they haven't asked your DD to be a flower girl because they love her and wants her to have a special role in the wedding, but purely to be a prop and to make people go "awwww, aren't they a good auntie/uncle".

Your DH will not be able to adequately supervise your DD on the day without you. The best man is with the groom prior to the wedding, the bridal party is with the bride. So who exactly will be dressing your DD or styling her? Who will be making sure she doesn't get into the makeup or mess up the flowers? Who will be making sure she isn't nervous and knows what to do? People she doesn't really know. This isn't fair on her. Who will be sitting with her while he does his speech? You need to remind him of all of his.

Anyone with common sense tells you that in this situation, you invite both DDs to the wedding because by doing this, they've basically uninvited one of their parents. Of course a mother isn't going to leave a 10 year old DD while the rest of the family goes off to a wedding.

This. OP this is absolutely disgusting and honestly makes it clear he does not really think of your dd as his. I'm so very sorry I can imagine how upset she is and you as her mum. If he does this I don't think I could look at him the same again.

THIS

Unfortunately I see it’s the stepdads responsibility to ensure his own family views his stepchild as an integral part of his immediate family.

Personally, I think it's not a nice thing to do....to put your brother into a situation where he has to choose (the OP's BIL, putting the OP's DH in this situation).

For the OP herself: you can't foist your child by another man onto your new husband's family. If their definition of family is blood, well, YOU chose to marry into this family. YOU did this to your first child. They may be batshit, and morally in the wrong, but YOU chose this for you and your child. You should have not allowed your daughter to be put in this position. It's on you.

By the same token, your DH CHOSE to marry a woman who already has a child. He CHOSE to be put in a situation where he might have to choose between his daughter and his stepdaughter, and risk distressing the latter and his wife.

Your MIL, BIL and SIL have no part in this. They didn't choose to take on a stepdaughter/step-grandaughter/step niece. Your DH made that choice for them. Your anger should be directed at your DH and only your DH: either he stands up for his step-daughter, treats her the same was as his daughter, or he doesn't. It's 100% on him and nobody but him.

Rubbish, you cannot force the wider family to accept her as blood, so long as she is not mistreated, there is nothing wrong here that cannot be managed by her mum explaining that she has her own family and aunties and uncles etc.

They had absolutely no obligation to make her a bridesmaid or flower girl, I do think she should have been invited but thats not really my business either way.

Why do people keep saying it’s a child free wedding - I can’t see where the OP has written that - it just seems to be a step-child free wedding. Two of the four excluded stepchildren are adults in their 30s.

This sounds like just another blended family who didn't discuss expectations beforehand. Look, it's great that your DH treats your daughter like a daughter. That should be expected when there is a stepchild involved. But that is all you have control over. No one else is obligated to accept your first daughter as family. You can't force them to see her as a niece.

This isn't your DH's fault. This isn't your youngest child's fault. It really isn't anyone's fault. It's just life. You have an idea in your head of what you think family is. Other people think differently.

Children are children and should all be treated fairly in life. I can’t stand this blood bullshit that pops up on MN is so outdated and backwards.

I feel very sorry for your daughter.

Your child is nothing to do with your DH family.

Whether people on here say the man should treat the child as his own etc etc that's his choice to get into the relationship in the first place.

Just because you are with him doesn't suddenly make the child their relation.

It's not nice for the child but some people don't care about that.

It is their wedding they can invite who they want.

This! I've brought up DSD since was 2.5, (she's 31 now). I've always treated her as my own and never distinguished between her and dd1 and dd2. I treat DGD (her daughter) as my own, she certainly feels like my own granddaughter! The only time it's ever come up that she's actually my stepdaughter is when people have queried the age gap between us (I'm only 14 years older).

Your DH should not be making you feel as if you should be "grateful"! Cheeky fucker!

So his loyalty is with his sister and not his wife. Can he explain this please?

Just like it's an invitation, not a summons and if the OP doesn't want to go or have her youngest go because her eldest was excluded, she doesn't have to go. She's also allowed to set her boundaries in her marriage. If her DH going to the wedding despite his DSD being excluded is a dealbreaker for her, then she's perfectly within her rights to divorce him.

You nor your DP can make your dh family, especially his db, see your eldest as part of their family. It’s blindingly obvious they don’t. It’s not going to change. Your mil is not going to get in the middle of her sons.

ignoring the step up comment for one moment, how is DP with her normally? You say he treats her the same ? If he really does, every single day, then I think his anger is at the situation. He also initially thought you were all invited and was unhappy that that isn’t the case but he also loves his brother and wants to be at the wedding.

you know Dp best, is the stepping up comment more of a Ffs I’m caught in the middle of a shitty situation (eldest is his dd for him and not extended family) or do you think it’s more- I wouldn’t stay if eldest isn’t loved too. Try to remember he can’t change his family and he loves them even if they are idiots.

Depending on dh answer, let him and youngest go. Take eldest on a special day out, somewhere you couldn’t take youngest.

tell dh that he’s now in charge of all family interactions on his side. They apparently only see blood relations as family so your out. You’ll be polite but that’s it… he does birthday, Christmas etc but not to detriment of your family unit.

you Are rightly angry op, and if you need Dp to choose your family unit or it’s over then that’s ok but don’t make the choice when you are angry. Its also worth considering if your anger is really at Dp or if you are angry at his family and he is taking the fall out for it