Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

I’m coming over as a dick. I know I am. The whole extended family know that she wasn’t wanted and is there under sufferance. She will see her sister being called for a photograph with her great-grandmother along with every other child in the family apart from her. The concern that they have is my reaction to this photo and that it’s executed properly not that my child will be upset and why the fuck can’t she be in it anyway?
They want to stop the upset but they’re not sorry for it, they don’t think that they are fundamentally wrong for doing what they did. Fucking flattered that she’d want to come like she’s nothing and nothing to them. MiL got involved to stop awkwardness not because she thought they were wrong. I am fucking raging. He genuinely doesn’t get it other than the logistics and that she might feel left out. He doesn’t see why his brother would want her there as she isn’t his niece even though he says he sees her as a daughter.

YABU now. "You don't feel it conveys the hurt you feel". That's a you problem. She is trying to fix things. You were upset eldest would be upset by no invitation, now she doesn't have to know. Are you now going to dig your heels in and intentionally upset her by not allowing her to attend the wedding and tell her she wasn't invited so you're off to do something else? Or how else you going to explain not going to her? By all means rip your DH a new one that his mum cared more to step in than he did and how ashamed you are of him for not stepping up but don't hurt your eldest out of spite.

BIL appears to be a dick but in fairness SIL is trying to fix things.

Let go of the anger.

Just take your older daughter for an ice cream or something while the photos are being done. She will be guided by your reaction so if you don't make it an issue, it won't be one for her.

This. The bride seems to be doing her best!

I do think that your DH is extremely unreasonable to be angry at you for not going! Is that because he knows that he’ll actually have to look after her (aka be an active parent) if you don’t come?

Take a deep breath. I know you’re mad and I understand why. But you will regret this. Accept the bride’s offer with grace and think of what’s best for your daughter here. You not attending is just going to
look like you throwing a strop and imo makes you lose the high moral ground. Deal with your husband separately.

The fact is, your eldest isn't related to the great-grandmother so if she just wants her descendants in that photo then you have to live with it.

I would ask if you can have an additional photo with the great-grandmother that includes both of your girls, you and your DH.

You have to let go of your rage or you'll damage your marriage, which would be the worst outcome for both of your children.

Ah Jesus I can’t think straight! I don’t know what to do.

Yes you are coming across as a dick. Which I kind of get.

But your Mil did you asked. Now it’s not goods enough because she didn’t do it for the reason you wanted her too.

A mil would be of her her head to start being the go between, between her sons and her daughter in laws and take any sides. Any mil posting from her pov would have been told to stay well out of it. Telling one son and dil they are being awful about how they arranged their wedding would cause massive issues. There’s no great options for her.

But she did it anyway. And you are still pissy.

I think you may need to think about if you might be part of the reason there’s issues here. If this is par for the course they may feel they don’t know how much to involve her or not involve her. Everyone did what you thought they should. But they didn’t do it how you wanted. now you want your eldest to also be a bridesmaid. And still won’t go.

Relationships are 2 way. Especially with adults. There’s a good chance they find you a tricky character and feel it’s never quite right.

You are coming across as a dick. One that’s entitled.
Your husbands whole family don’t have to include her in every aspect of their lives. She is not related to them.
Your DH can see her as his daughter but that doesn’t mean everyone else must follow suit. She is not your BIL niece. She is a child that has come into the family and that’s it.

Great Grandmother wants pictures with her actual bloody grandkids. Your eldest is not her grandchild! Surely your daughter at 10 knows this. Why would she want her in a picture with her grandkids!

You married your DH, he is the one that has to be kind to your eldest and treat her the same. The rest of his family don’t have to do it to the same degree.

@KeenHiker ding throw in the hand grenade. This is not the hill to die on

Don’t

You're a loving Mum who fights for her girls and you've been deeply hurt on your eldest's behalf that she wasn't treated the same as your youngest. I expect the 'rage' will take a while to simmer down but it will cool and the very best thing for your daughters is that they don't absorb your emotions about it all.

Try to picture the wedding day where your little family have a lovely time together, your eldest in a gorgeous dress could present a lucky horseshoe to the bride (photo op). Your youngest will look as cute as a button and you make sure you have some good photos taken with you as a foursome.

@Shetlands is right!

You are raging because you essentially picked a shit dad & family for your eldest and you can see how nice family can be with your youngest and you want them to treat your eldest the same as your youngest but she isn’t their family. She isn’t your BIL niece or the grandmothers grandchild. She’s a child that has been introduced into the family that they had no say in.

They are being kind and inviting her but you are expecting too much from them when she isn’t related to them.

OP, the only dicks are the people who would exclude a 10-year old child from a family event and the people who think that's perfectly reasonable! However, I agree that you should all go to the wedding now, otherwise you're the one excluding her.

Deal with your DH separately as he's the one that should have made it clear that excluding your eldest was unacceptable.

I can understand how you feel and I would certainly be re-thinking my relationship with the in-laws going forward. You now know they don't see your dd as family. That's their prerogative but it's also yours to decide your own relationship with them.

However, I really think you and your older dd should attend the wedding graciously. Wrt the photo, I would just make sure you and your dd are somewhere else when it is being taken. So maybe pitch it as you go to check out something interesting in the garden while the photos you're not needed for are taking place. There will be plenty of photos neither of you are in and as your dh and other dd are in the wedding party, they will be needed.

Going forward, you need to have a serious discussion with your dh. His stepping up comment was out of line but may have been said in the heat of the moment. Him not telling you he had been asked about the flower girl thing is also a bit unreasonable. However he did assume your other dd was invited at the time.

Ultimately, you need to know he will advocate for both you dds equally. However, he can't make his family accept your older dd but he needs to be aware of how their treatment will impact and call it out when it is unreasonable.

Flattered.... I still wouldn't go on this basis. I wouldn't mind the picture so much, fair enough. But the whole thing just doesn't feel right. Nah

SIL has offered an olive branch as soon as she found out about the upset. My advice would be to take it and go with good grace. I would also delete her message to you from the thread before someone who knows you all sees it.

Your main issue is with your husband here, as a PP said he's clearly painted you as the problem and should have told you beforehand your youngest DD would be asked to be a flower girl. There is a wider issue you need to resolve in your marriage but you won't aid matters by deepening a family rift.

Succinct...i like this resolution

OMFG!!! Now you are kicking off about a photo with the direct decendents of the great grandma. Congratulations OP - after years of reading mumsnet you have riled me more than any OP ever - Poor bride and groom, MIL and DH - you are utterly impossible

You’re going too far now with the photo. The grandmother is allowed to want a photo with only her actual grandchildren. I think you’re projecting a lot because your elder daughter doesn’t have that paternal family side but that is not your in laws fault.

The bride reached out as soon as she knew there was an issue and has rectified it, leave it as that else you’ll come across as nitpicking and trying to cause issues.

Think you need to take a breath and go do something that makes you feel good OP.

I mean some of this may be factually incorrect, and probably someone who could phrase this much better, but maybe you could have a word with SIL? Explain the situation more, you appreciate the olive branch and you're aware its not her problem but you'd like to find a way of doing this without upsetting oldest.

"Hi SIL, thank you for your text, I appreciate you reaching out and trying to alleviate some upset. I don't know if you're aware of this, but 'eldest' doesn't have any contact with her biological fathers family. 'DH' has been in her life since she was (I'm guessing around 3?) and has always told her he loves her just the same as 'youngest'. She calls him dad. I appreciate you never wanted to cause any upset, but 'eldest' didn't understand why she was being treated differently when her dad has always told her she is loved equally. This is why she was so upset when 'youngest' was asked to be flower girl, and I know she would be absolutely devastated to be told she wasn't invited either. I think she will be very upset by the great-grandma picture for the same reason. If you would like eldest not to be in the picture, can you please give me a heads up just before the kids are called so I can take eldest to the bathroom or something to remove her from the situation? I know this must be stressful for you, but I'm trying to manage doing whats right for both of my children."

This is just anecdotal, but never in my experience has somebody changed a guest list just because someone got upset. I think she genuinely realises that they were out of order even if she doesn’t say it outright. Give her some grace, she made genuinely be ashamed of how thoughtless they were towards a child’s feelings. I actually think it’s so bad, she’s had to be the one to reach out instead of the groom. I’m glad your MIL stepped up.

Mull it over for a while if you have time. Unlike other posters, I don’t think you need to automatically go because of the olive branch. You’re being unreasonable about the photo, but because they have excluded her previously, it may not be the best environment for her. At the same time because they’ve been called out for their behaviour, you may genuinely notice an improvement. Shit people are sometimes shit because they assume their behaviour is normal.

FWIW I don't think you are being a dick - you are just a mum who has had it made very clear by her husband that the 2 kids you thought of as equal are not entirely, in his eyes. That hurts like hell. Lashing out at extended family won't get you anywhere though - the important issue is the dh one.