Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

And there’s no evidence the family are using the child as a weapon or testing to exact revenge or indulging in ‘tactics of war’.

You are ridiculous.

WTAF 😱
Some of you really do hate men don't you.
And if some random spouse of one of my siblings said that to me I'd tell them I would be very very happy that my sibling was no longer married to such a controlling arse of a human being.

And if some random spouse of one of my siblings said that to me I'd tell them I would be very very happy that my sibling was no longer married to such a controlling arse of a human being

Takes two - a married couple is not some random and a 10 year old is clearly not welcome.

who excludes a child at bear minimum was 3 when she joined the family.

If its a child free wedding apart from the 2 flower girls then unfortunately there's nothing you can do however this should have been stipulated months ago... to tell your husband he can't be best man is a bit a-hole-ish as alot of people opt for child free wedding to cut down costs and allow the adults to relax without having to chase around after children all night.

That's really hurtful behaviour of your husband's brother

Poor ten year old 😢

Why have flower girls at a child free wedding

Odd

I think it's time to end the thread 😂

Did u say the other children haven't been invited either though 🤔

Eldest is now invited but much to my husband’s anger I’m still not going.

I have attempted to attach screenshot of SiL’s long message but the scrubbing out of names probably makes it confusing.

Re: youngest being asked to be flower girl. Husband knew she was going to be asked beforehand and thought it would be a nice surprise.
He didn’t think eldest would be jealous of this.

When invitations arrived I asked him to clarify re: eldest not grovel for invitation.

He was completely shocked that eldest wasn’t invited at all.

I wanted us all to decline NOT ask for her to be given an invitation.

MiL did speak to them in spite of telling me she wouldn’t.

He has told them of our rowing, doesn’t seem to have stressed how upset he was about her exclusion, and cousin was clearly present when this conversation took place.

SiL sent a WhatsApp to me yesterday afternoon. I don’t feel that it conveys the hurt I feel.

I never said that wedding was child free as I didn’t know, some people assumed but clearly cousins’ kids are invited. Initially it was said that stepkids on SiL’s side would have to be invited, she hasn’t mentioned them at all in her message.

She mentioned my eldest by name just once. Husband has 94 year old grandmother and it’s clear eldest would have been excluded from photo with her and grand kids and great grandchildren.

Eldest doesn’t know she hasn’t been invited.

I won’t take her to Disney or anything as that would imply that not going to wedding needs some sort of compensation. We will go to my brother’s to walk the dog on the beach and eldest’s idea of fun is to sleep on sofa bed in his kitchen!

I think the bride is trying her best here to fix things - keep in mind that she's marrying into this family and it's their lead she will be following. Groom is just thoughtless imo - he doesn't seem to actively favour his biological niece over his step one (doesn't seem to care much about either tbh).
While I think it's appalling g behaviour to exclude step children who live full time within the family unit, it does seem they have now seen how this comes across and bride is trying to resolve it.
So I would let that go and would attend the wedding so that the extended family isn't gossiping about you and so their wedding day doesn't become about this situation. That's if you intend to remain with your husband.

I still believe the real problem here is his fundamental attitude to your oldest dd - this wedding has just been the flashpoint for an underlying issue if your h not really seeing dd as his.
I think this is what you need to work on, privately and outside of the gaze of this wedding.

Idk, but perhaps her becoming his legal dd is something you two should talk about. Is he reluctant? That's what you've got to get to the bottom of and then decide what you want to do long term.

I disagree with this. It’s nothing to do with her. I think BIL and SIL are inconsiderate but it sounds like, apart from the flower girls it’s a child free wedding. If MIL interfered her new DIL would probably have plenty to say about her interference. I would be upset though about your husband’s comments about stepping up etc. I hope he’s just saying it because he feels angry and stressed at being in the middle of this.

Just seen this update. I think you’re being unreasonable to dig your heels in now.

That’s frankly disgusting and I’m cross on your behalf that adults can do that to a child.

Well done for standing up for your DD.

I would have done the same. It’s all of you or no one.

If it comes to it let your H go on his own.

Just seen your update - YABU

Exactly. You got what you wanted. Stop throwing a strop.

very bad form posting SIL's message on Mumsnet. She is likely to find out and then there will be proper theatrics. you sound silly,entitled and vengeful I'm sorry for your DH's husband. Thank goodness we don't have hysteria like this in my family

YANBU before, YABU now.

Sorry OP, now’s the time to play the peacekeeper game. Annoying, but it’s your DH’s family.

If your eldest doesn't know she wasn't originally invited and she now is invited, but now you won't attend with her then the whole thread about the hurt feelings of a 10 year old child was a joke because it seemingly was never about the child's feelings? Or it's fine for her mother to cause her to feel left out but not other people?
Struggling to understand your digging your heels in to be honest.

You are even more unreasonable now than you preciously were (imo).

This.
And also OP, pretty sure I can read what your eldest's name is.
Nice name, was on our list if youngest was a girl 😊

So don’t go.

A parent knew she was going to be asked. The fact that your dh didn’t bother to tell you, is an issue with him. No one else. They don’t need to run everything by you. That’s not bil and sold fault.

MIL didn’t want to get involved, but did because she doesn’t want the upset. Mil has done as you asked

Sil clearly didn’t mean it to come across how it has and has rectified.

Your dh has told about the impact on the marriage and blamed you, from what you said. He is your issue again.

If you want to cut them off and create distance, that’s up to you. But you will be staying with your husband who seems to be a big part of this issue. And only causing more problems between the children and his family. You will be part of the issue. Both your children are going. That’s a good outcome. If you don’t want to go, don’t go. But accept that the situation is now what it should have been and you are now carrying it on.

Come on OP... you can relax now and see both of your girls enjoy the wedding. I know you're still furious about what happened but it will be so much better if you let it go. You'll be attending as a family, your eldest will have a lovely new dress, your youngest is a flower girl. Go to the gym or go for a run and let off that steam.

You got what you wanted, just go to the wedding. Unless your intention is to continue bad relations with the in laws? What does it achieve? Stop being a martyr.

You should now attend the wedding. Going forward you and your husband need a long talk about how the children are being treated but dont annoy SIL, who is offering an olive branch.

I think op that you should go if they’ve invited your eldest after all. It’s an olive branch, you’re still hurt and bitter but the mature thing to do is take the olive branch. The only scenario on which still not going is the right one is if you’ve decided to divorce your husband and never ever see his family again- if you’re giving them a chance you have to give them a chance. So go, be gracious, make sure eldest has a great time, don’t take the photo with grandparent personally, smile , hug eldest and say I hope we can get one like this with your grandma too this year.