Just told DH I will divorce him over a fucking wedding

[KeenHiker]

This is my first post. I think my head’s going to explode.
BiL has shown no interest whatsoever in my daughters, not my eldest who isn’t my husband’s or his actual niece!
We first met SiL at a baptism of cousin’s. She brought personalised Easter eggs for cousins’ kids and my youngest. I immediately went over and said my eldest would be jealous in a jokey way but she had no idea that my eldest even existed!
Three years on neither kids have been distinguished by them at all.
Husband is close to his brother.
One Sunday last month we are at in-laws’ and eldest said that SiL had taken youngest out in rain and told eldest to give them a minute. When I went out to see what was happening she had just asked youngest to be a flower girl. MiL knew and everyone was happy. 10 year old was really struggling and burst into tears in car.
Sister-in-Law has a sister with three stepkids. Two lads virtually same age as her, both have partners and one has baby, as well as fourteen year old who lives with them. Her own daughter will be other flower girl.
invitations come but my eldest isn’t invited. DH is best man, he assumes she is invited but just not on invitation. Clarifies! No! It would mean 5 others plus baby would have to be invited.
I went mad and said none of us are going or I am off. All he could do was slag my ex off and this was the thanks he got for stepping up.
He has stepped up. You wouldn’t know she wasn’t his but this is too much. If eldest is invited I could see how they would have to invite the 14 year old step niece but not the two eldest step nephews who are independent.
I did ring MiL but she’s not getting involved. I am fucking fuming.

Exactly. DH should be defending his family set-up - the one he's chosen, and which the 10-year old had no say in.

Would you feel differently if the step child was the husbands natural child.

Could you see that leaving a 10 year old at home if she was blood would be equality distressing for the child.

What do you think would happen in those circumstances, I would wage a bet that the husband would fight for his eldest to be not left out.

It's the entitlement of this family, thinking that because they are blood they can do whatever they want, they absolutely don't care about a child's feelings, so I wouldn't care about theirs.

And the one his family had no say in either. You can't just declare "This is now my child" (while cutting her out of your will...) and make other people accept her as their relative. That's not how it works.

It’s their wedding that they’re paying for and hosting, of course they are entitled to do what they want. She isn’t his natural child, and as such she isn’t considered to be a grandchild/niece. It isn’t their fault that she doesn’t have a relationship with her paternal family, and it’s not their responsibility to provide one. You may not like it, OP may not like it, but that’s the reality.

I doubt they’re going to be too worried about OP or you not caring about them/disliking them tbh.

This is the hill THEY will die on.

If op separates, she will not miss any members of that family.

The family may miss the child though, a child who belongs to a woman who dislikes them, cant they not see how shortsighted this is.

Utter fools.

@InterIgnis

You havn't answered the question.

Do you think they should invite the 10 year old if she were blood.

You're being shortsighted yourself. They're not going to miss a child they don't have much to do with. But the child will miss her stepdad, her family home, her family unit, her sister etc if the OP separates over this. In fact, both children will suffer way more than anyone else in this situation.

I don’t care either way tbh, I don’t have strong feelings about the weddings of strangers. I imagine they would invite the ten year old to be part of the wedding party were she their niece though, but given that she isn’t it’s a moot point.

“This is the hill THEY will die on.

“If op separates, she will not miss any members of that family.

The family may miss the child though, a child who belongs to a woman who dislikes them, cant they not see how shortsighted this is.

Utter fools.”

That you would want this to be the case doesn’t mean it would be.

Why would OP leaving mean they miss out on her youngest daughter? Presumably they’d continue a relationship through her father, no OP needed. As far as the couple getting married go, it doesn’t sound like they have a particularly close relationship anyway, so again whether OP leaves her husband or not is unlikely to have any tangible impact on their lives.

Which child are you talking about? They’ll see the one they are related through via the DF.

The other one they are not likely miss considering they have no relationship now, and don’t consider her family?

I imagine they would invite the ten year old to
be part of the wedding party were she their niece though, but given that
she isn’t it’s a moot point.

OMG, you do actually believe this is about blood and do not give a shit about a child's feelings.
Honestly that's bordering on evil, how can you not see your views are unkind, needlessly unkind.

*so again whether OP leaves her husband or not is unlikely to have any tangible impact on their lives.

It may not have an impact on the bride's life, but for the husband and the grandparents it may have, but so long as bridezilla got her pictures, ffs.

You sound like the bride.

The grandparents will still see the child via their father. They'll be able to focus on just her, and treat her, and spoil her. Just her.

Conveniently, you keep ignoring the impact separating would have on BOTH children. Separating is not the trump card you think it is.

The grandparents will still see the child via their father. They'll be able to focus on just her, and treat her, and spoil her. Just her.

Wow, that's nasty! Like the older girl is currently getting in the way. An inconvenience. Poor kid!

They’re just making the point that divorcing isn’t going to end anything for the younger DC and the family. The only people who will be cut off are OP and the elder DC, so to do so in any kind of revenge-seeking guise would be pointless.

I don't think revenge comes into it. I think it's about OP prioritising her daughter and making it clear to her that she's not a second-class citizen in the family. Not that I think divorce is necessarily the answer here either - just that the DH should be left in no doubt that he should be putting both children's feelings above those of his brother and future SIL.

They’re just making the point that divorcing isn’t going to end anything
for the younger DC and the family. The only people who will be cut off
are OP and the elder DC, so to do so in any kind of revenge-seeking
guise would be pointless.

It's not revenge it's op recognising these people's values are not the same as hers, the relationship with op has already been destroyed, fair enough but this will affect their relationship going forward with their niece and grandchild, whether you think it won't is rediculous.

Op may remarry, take the child to live abroad, any number of things that they will have no say over, Christmas, forget it, she will be in another household, not theirs.

It is short sighted and the worst thing is the grandmother doesn't see this, she is placing the feelings of one DIL above the other.

What I believe is that I don’t get to dictate what anyone else’s values are, and as such I don’t have strong feelings about it the subject. Getting outraged online about a non-event seems pointless. What I believe is that there is a difference between a grandchild/niece and a step grandchild and niece, yes. That’s evidently the case, just from reading about the breadth of experiences on here.

How can I not see x, y, and z? I can see that you think those things, I’m just not bothered or offended by you thinking those things. Go for it.

The husband and grandparents can still have a relationship with their own daughter/grandchild. OP doesn’t own her child, the father is an equal parent.

And nope, not the bride, be a bit awkward if I was given that I’m already married.

take the child to live abroad, any number of things that they will have no say over, Christmas, forget it, she will be in another household, not theirs.

The father will have a say in that. If they take it to court, the court will have a say in that. It may be hard for you to believe this, but mothers don't have sole control over what happens with their children.

No, you’re definitely indulging in a revenge fantasy where Op walks away triumphant, leaving the parties that have supposedly wronged her wailing and gnashing their teeth with regret.

In reality OP could find herself sharing 50/50 custody. She certainly isn’t free to walk off with her youngest child and dictate the relationship she has with her father or her father’s family.

Presumably the husband’s mother recognises that it isn’t her place to involve herself in this, as if her son is a child she can tell what to do.

Yes. Thank you. If the thought is that ending the relationship will end that side of the family's involvement with the youngest child, that is wrong. It will only cut off the OP and her eldest daughter. In fact the OP will have even less say in what happens when the kid is with her dad.

Op can’t just take both kids abroad. It’s really not that simple.

every other Christmas the child won’t be in ops household either. That’s what happens.

The mil is just refusing to get involved. Her sons are adults. Why should she need to?

Blended families really aren’t that simple. It’s always complex. Take op as an example. Ops dh meets a woman with a child. Op and dh expect the family to treat the child as their own. They do. Op and dh split up and the dh and his family never see the child again. if the child is a child between op and dh, they will see the child and continue to have a relationship.

I have seen this situation play out several times in RL. While I think leaving the oldest one out was always going to cause a problem and I wouldn’t have done it. I think it’s unrealistic to expect people to always treat children from a previous relationship the same.

Regardless of the tactics of war beyond the divorce, this war had no need to occur, if the bridal party had been reasonable people.

What on earth are you talking about.

’tactics of war’? Thats what fucks kids up post divorce. Not yeh divorce itself. But one or both parents thinking that post divorce life is a war.

It’s sickening. These are children. Not weapons to be used to try and exact revenge on people who you feel have done wrong.

‘Tactics of war’

Oh calm your tits, General Patton.

It’s sickening. These are children. Not weapons to be used to try and exact revenge on people who you feel have done wrong.

Exactly.

And here is a 10 year old who has not harmed anyone.

Just as well no one actually is, or proposing to, using her as a means to get revenge on anyone, attempting to deny her a relationship with her parent/parents family, or plotting to spirit her out the country (and dump her on a desert island somewhere?) then isn’t it? You’re the one that apparently thinks doing that to her younger sister is a good idea.